Awesome/Not Awesome (10-9-09)

Originally posted 10-9-09

Were you all afraid I was going to miss Friday's post? Oh, ye of little faith!

AWESOME: Security Cameras

We're going to go about this one a little differently. When are security cameras NOT awesome?

1) You are robbing a place.
2) You are caught doing something really embarrassing.

Sometimes, you get both of those at once. And then you're in really deep shit. But, logically, that means that security cameras ARE awesome when

1) Someone else is robbing a place.
2) Someone else is doing something really embarrassing.
3) And every other time and place!

Security cameras are the SHIT. They account for some of the most original comedy ever seen. Okay, shows like Candid Camera were funny at times (even Punk'd had its moments) but nothing comes close to the uninhibited, natural, often unprovoked, sheer human stupidity to be found from security camera tapes.

They have them on TV from time to time- the World's Most Amazing Videos and shit like that. Here's one I remember:

Shot of the interior of a store. Glass, and cieling pieces fall to the floor as a man jumps down into the store. He begins grabbing things off the shelf, and putting them into his bag. He's really going at it- he wants to get this over with quickly. Putting his bag back on he walks to the front door of the store. He tries to push it open- but, alas, it is locked. That's right- he was locked out before and now he is locked in.

Oops.

So then we see him pace around the store, and try to climb back up to the hole he put in the cieling, but there's no way he's gonna make it. He could break the glass on the front door- but that would trip the alarm, so he'd be screwed.

Fast forwarding a little bit, we see him sitting in a chair in the middle of the store, waiting for the owner to come in the morning to open his shop and have him arrested.

Best part about this:

It was a liquor store.

That better have some been some pretty damn good booze!

I know if I was caught in that situation, I'd have drank the stuff well before the owner got there. Of course, the security cameras would have caught me drinking, but maybe I could play it off that I had already been drinking when I decided to break in.

I don't know if that would legally help my case, but I think it would probably make me look like less of an idiot.

You break into the store, but you can't get out. Fucking genious. You can't write that shit. It can't be done.

And that's not all.

Security cameras are great when cars crash through a store, or an animal goes into a berserk rage and terrorizes the customers and employees for a few minutes, you know, shit like that.

And from what I understand, they can deter and stop criminal activities.

But we all know that the real reason for secuity cameras to ensure we catch people at their dumbest.

And that's just plain awesome.


NOT AWESOME: "4 out of 5 _____ recommend"

This phrase is stupid.

Most often the blank is filled in with "doctors", but I've seen other shit in there.

But suppose it is doctors. Well, I don't care what you're advestising, an 80% recommendation rate ain't all that good. And that's just recommend it, that doesn't mean that it works for the people who took the recommendation and tried it.

How much would you pay for something if only 80% of the people who used it liked it enough to recommend it?

Think about the conversation to be had between 5 doctors, on say toothpaste:

Doctor 1: Yeah, that toothpaste was pretty good- my mouth feels clean and fresh.

Doctor 2: But I somehow feel like my mouth could be- oh, I don't know 15%-20% more clean.

Doctor 3: 20% sounds about right. Yes.

Doctor 4: But it wasn't bad.

Doctor 5: Oh, of course not. Wasn't bad.

Doctor 2: But maybe there's better toothpaste on the market right now.

Doctor 3: Yeah, could be. The price was a little steep too.

Doctor 4: Yeah, really? What do they think I'm made of money?

Doctor 1: You're a doctor. What's a tube of toothpaste to you?

Doctor 4: Shut up!

Doctor 5: Okay, so did we like it?

Doctors 1,2,4: Yes.

Doctor 5: Would you say you'd recommend it?

Doctors 1,2,4: Yeah.

Doctor 3: Nope. Can't do it. My mouth- well, to be honest, it just needs MORE.

Doctor 5: Oh, well look at you. Fucking diva. Yeah I recommend it too.


I imagine that's how it would look if 5 doctors actively debated the merits of some product. Or at least I hope that's what happens.

Then they could clarify their claim:

"4 out of 5 doctors recommend Shitty Toothpaste Company, Inc. because Dr. Steve is a pretentious dick."


You know what- wait.

How many of you honestly care how many doctors recommend something? Tons of them recommend against smoking and drinking, and advocate getting 8 hours of sleep a night, but how many of us actually follow their advice?

I don't need no fuckin' doctor telling me how to live my life.

I would be more interested in a product if they said something like this:

"No doctor on earth would recommend this product."

or better yet

"4 out of 5 crack-whores recommend Shitty Toothpaste Company, Inc."

That would certainly get my attention-

"Well if it works for crack-whores...!"

And so I leave with you this, and hope you all have a good weekend:

4 out of 5 doctors agree that this Awesome/Not Awesome is indeed awesome.