You know what? Several people had to approve an Alvin and the Chipmunks live-action sequel. And the best title they could come up with was “the Squeakquel”. I have just one word for the people responsible for this: FUCK YOU.
Also, 500 Days of Summer is coming out on DVD. If you haven’t had a chance to see this movie, you really should. Great, great movie.
AWESOME: Amusement Park Accidents
I am really surprised I didn’t write about this earlier. Everything about amusement park accidents is awesome; the ride it happened on, why it happened, who was involved, just everything.
Now before you go calling me an asshole, let me say that if I could choose how I am going to die, I would choose amusement park accident. They’re just really interesting, and it would be cool to have that legendary distinction as that-guy-who-was-killed-on-Spaceship-Earth or something. Don’t deny it- you want it too.
We’re in the slow period for accidents, as most parks are not active during the winter. But you never know. Maybe Disney or Universal will have something awesome go on in the slow-months.
Plus I think the increased suicide rate makes up for the amusement park accident deaths.
Alright, that was uncalled for. Sorry.
Now I don’t like to see people die. But survival of the fittest says a lot of these people should. During the summer, some kid got decapitated by a roller coaster because he entered a restricted area to- ironically- get his baseball cap. Unless that cap was autographed by Jesus or something, I’d have to say it wasn’t worth it. Here’s what should have happened when the kid was going to do this:
HEART: I do love that cap so. I think I’m going to get it- “Restricted- employees only.” Eh, no one will know. It’s not like I’m going to die or anything.
REASON: Wait, maybe you shouldn’t go back there. It looks like the coaster is awfully close.
HEART: But I’d be so upset if I lost my cap!
REASON: Wouldn’t you be more upset if you were dead?
HEART: Oh, yes, I would. Thank you, reason, maybe someday I will become a politician.
REASON: That’s the spirit! Then you can take the common folks’ heads off instead of your own!
What actually happened…
Well, I don’t need to really describe that. Let’s just put it this way:
Coaster 1; Dead Boy 0
Even when somebody smart gets killed, there’s a good story behind it. Some college student, operating a monorail for Disney World, was killed in July. As with protocol, he called ahead to the station, to ask if the coast was clear. The employee there assured him there was nothing there- from the luxury of a break room where he was hanging out with his girlfriend. Turns out there was a parked monorail there.
Oops.
Now, wait a minute, where’s the accountability? Surely there was a manager or authority figure there that could have prevented this from happening! Well, he was at a local Perkins- I hope the pancakes were good enough to justify death-by-monorail!
Priorities, people! Those stories do get to me a little- the people whose mistake caused the accident rarely get the consequences- at least, physically. But it is still funny in some sick way.
Nevertheless, my condolences to all the families of those harmed in amusement parks accidents.
But, still…
Buyer beware!
Now, remember I said if I could choose how I die, it’d be an amusement park accident.
Well, here are my Top Five Attractions it would be awesome to be killed on:
1) Jurassic Park (Universal Studios Hollywood/Universal Islands of Adventure)
Can you imagine the other riders’ reaction?! They would be scared shitless! Oh my fuck that would be funny.
2) Some Goddamn Stunt Show
So many possibilities! Plus stunts are awesome in general. If it killed me, that’d be a really cool story to share in heaven. Or hell.
“How did you die?”
“Vietnam.”
“What about you?”
“Black Plague.”
“And you, new guy?”
“I was a volunteer for the Indiana Jones Stunt Show Spectacular at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, and I got in the way of that big fucking boulder. It was totally worth it.”
“But you’re dead now.”
“Yeah I know. Fucking sweet.”
3) The Carousel of Progress (Tomorrowland in Disney’s Magic Kingdom)
The irony would be awesome. “There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow….”
4) One of those anti-gravity spinning rides. You know the kind I’m talking about. (Wherever)
The funniest incident wouldn’t be an accident, per se, more like a medical condition. Say the spinning dislodges something in my brain and causes a fatal stroke or something.
The thud of my body falling off the wall would be pretty damn epic.
5) The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror (Disney’s Hollywood Studios)
Wouldn’t you want to go on this ride even more if somebody DIED on it in some mysterious way?
Yo, if I could, I would totally haunt the TZ: TOT. That’s how I’d like to spend the afterlife. Man, that’d be cool!
Sorry to be so unoriginal with this last entry. Let me reiterate: any amusement park death I could have would be awesome. These 5 kinda stand out for me though.
LASTLY, in case you were wondering, the coaster crash in Final Destination 3 was complete bullshit! Physically impossible in many ways.
Amusement parks accidents are AWESOME. Maybe it’s cause “amusement” and “accident” are in the same phrase, but I love ‘em.
Can’t wait for the summer!
NOT AWESOME: Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry
Some of you may have heard me bitch about this in the past. But bear with me.
I don’t know who this Jared is, but fuck him! And fuck his shitty commercials!
Their big pitch nowadays is to popularize the phrase “He went to Jared’s”. He went to Jared’s! OH BOY!
Like their one commercial is something like this:
WOMAN ONE: Anything happen last night?
WOMAN TWO: Hold on. What’s a thirteen letter phrase for marriage proposal?
WOMAN ONE: I don’t know.
WOMAN TWO: He went to Jared!
Then the women give each other kinda “WAH?” looks, and jump up and down all giddy and shit, because now woman two is engaged. I have a few problems with this:
1) I’m not going to deprive people of their excitement upon getting engaged, but I have to wonder what was going on BEFORE the few lines we heard in the commercial. I realize the whole thing is only 30 seconds or so, but shit! Way to build the suspense there, woman two! The dialogue could have been replaced with this:
WOMAN ONE: Anything happen last night?
WOMAN TWO: Nooooo. I mean, yes!
That would have about the same effect. What shitty-ass writing.
But anyways, before this conversation, they’re both just chillin’ in the kitchen or something. Woman two is doing a crossword puzzle. Woman one is standing around.
So I guess my question is, just how long did number two have to wait around before number one would ask her that question? And who the hell vaguely asks whether he proposed last night? What if she didn’t bother to ask at all? Would woman two simply not tell her, and sit on her most exciting news?
Whatever it’s a piece of shit.
2) “What's a thirteen letter phrase for marriage proposal?”
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF BULLSHIT QUESTION IS THAT?
NO FUCKING CROSSWORD PUZZLE ON EARTH WOULD HAVE THAT AS A CLUE!
I got a thirteen letter phrase for “Why don’t you die?”
WHY DON’T YOU DIE!
And all woman one can do is say, “I don’t know.”
I buy that, I guess. I sure as hell didn’t know. But it’s interesting to note the first woman didn’t say something to the effect of “That’s a really, really, hard question!”
3) He went to Jared.
How do “every kiss begins with Kay” and “He went to Jared” differ?
At least there is implicit romance in Kay’s.
He went to Jared. What a shitty slogan. You know where I like going? Taco Bell. But I’m not going to hear anybody say with any sort of excitement
“He went to Taco Bell!”
I mean, it doesn’t really even advertise anything. And it takes for granted that I know what the hell Jared's is and what they sell! But whatever, enough of that. I’m no marketing executive, I just don’t get the commercials.
By far though, the worst Jared offense is the GPS commercial.
Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a69eC7ldAcI
Here’s my issue:
“I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Perhaps the most famous line from 2001: A Space Odyssey, uttered by a GPS unit all for A FUCKING DIAMOND NECKLACE IN A JARED’S COMMERCIAL. I mean, come on!
Way to take a shit on one of the most acclaimed movies of all time, Jared!
But worse than that, who is this commercial aimed at?
Clearly, men who wish to get engaged or for some other reason need to buy (presumably) a woman some jewelry.
Now, plug in your shitty reference. Who will get that joke? WHO?
I mean, it took me like 3 views to go, wait a minute, Jared’s pissing me off more than usual!
So you’re pitching to men with women who have seen 2001: A Space Odyssey?
That’s kind of a small demographic, don’t you think?
And for the record, I have never seen 2001: A Space Odyssey. I just know HAL’s famous line.
Summing up, people who go to Jared’s, work for Jared’s, or write the commercials for Jared’s, I hope all of them go to hell!
I mean, they already went to Jared’s, so hell’s not far off.
Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry: the definition of Not Awesome. Well, maybe they’re not that bad. But still-
Fuck you Jared!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
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