My first Not Awesome ever was a Miley Cyrus song. But that doesn’t mean I hate all current songs.
As mentioned several times before, I don’t have an ipod.
I don’t listen to pop radio if I can help it. Especially since an alt rock station was added to my area in September 2010.
I hate people for making these songs popular.
And I think I hate myself more for liking these- well, some of these. Others I’m just plain ashamed that I like them. Only a few things at work here- let’s see the rules!
1) The song must have INITIALLY CHARTED in the HOT 100 in 2010.
2) The song must have been in the top 20 at some point.
3) I must be embarrassed by them.
These songs are ranked by only three things, the combination of how much I actually like them, how terrible the song actually is, and the amount of personal disappointment I hold from liking them. Each of those is on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the highest rating.
5) “Mine” (Taylor Swift)
I debated this one for a while, because for some reason, this seems to be the one artist right now that it’s okay for anyone to like. So why I am embarrassed by it?
Well, the song isn’t that bad. It’s catchy. And unlike the other songs on the list, there’s some pretty quality music and lyrical content.
But I am ashamed.
BECAUSE HOW MANY TIMES IS TAYLOR SWIFT GOING TO RELEASE THE SAME SONG WITH A DIFFERENT NAME?
God, it reminds me of listening to polka songs. Sure when you’re playing them they’re different (I assume) but to the common listener (me) they’re all the same.
One of these days I will write and record a Taylor Swift song. You heard me. I, starckie, a twentysomething male, will WRITE and RECORD a Taylor Swift song. I even came up with a flowchart to even help me do it…. And if you’re my facebook friend, you can see it.
And that’s my only real gripe on the song. I like it… just I liked other songs with the exact same themes, lyrical content, music, etc. that Taylor Swift has come out with.
I know better.
LIKE: 4
TERRIBLE: 2
EMBARRASSED: 3
TOTAL: 9
4) “Cooler than Me” (Mike Posner)
Every so often a club song comes out that I am powerless against. And this is it. I have no idea who Mike Posner is- it’s probably cause I think I’m cooler than him- but nevertheless, this is such a guilty pleasure.
I think its allure for me is that I can relate to being around tons and tons of people than think they are the shit, when they’re not. And I’m not saying that I am, but like, what’s up with the attitude?
I’m not saying the song is all that deep either. Just saying I know the feeling.
And they’re almost nothing to music… everything I like about this song can be attributed to Mike Posner’s vocals. He could be singing about cat shit, but with that smooth of a delivery, who the hell cares? The song’s like a trance.
And I’m not really that embarrassed by it. Sorry for the short entry.
LIKE: 5
TERRIBLE: 3
EMBARRASSED: 2
TOTAL: 10
3) “Take It Off” (Ke$ha)
Alright, I mean it, this is the worst song on here. I mean, I don’t love the song, but I do like it, and that’s pretty terrible.
Kesha never really sings, but she gets close with this one. Still most of it is that weird trashy talking thing.
You know what? I freaking hate Kesha.
I hate her.
I mean, the other artists on this list I don’t necessarily like, but Kesha I genuinely hate.
And she’s from Nashville?
Okay, wouldn’t have guessed that.
She’s the female equivalent of Andrew W.K. on the dance scene. Now there’s an image. But Andrew W.K. is a genuinely interesting person- I mean, he goes on motivational speaking tours- has a personality and yet still loves partying.
Kesha appears to love getting felt up by every guy in the room, getting trashed beyond oblivion, and making shitty music. And partying. I mean, which is fine, but Goddamn it, do you guys have to keep encouraging her by making every song of hers a hit?
She’s nothing special. If a way better artist in Andrew W.K. can’t get the hits, Kesha shouldn’t either.
Todd in the Shadows has described Kesha as the only artist who has been “Auto-tuned off-key”. I mean, you can give any other artist on this list the chance to record a Kesha song and it would be better. And that includes Taylor Swift and (SPOILER) Pitbull. I’m dead serious.
Alright, so the song “Take It Off” is about Kesha’s ambition to become a pilot.
No?
“Take It Off” is about Kesha’s outrage at the things Family Guy gets away with, and her desire to have it pulled from television.
Not that either?
“Take It Off” is about…. Taking… your clothes off.
THAT’S SO SUBTLE OH MY FREAKKKKKKKKIIINGGG GAWDDDDDDD
Actually, that’s not entirely true. Let’s have Kesha explain it. “(It’s about) when I went to a drag show, and how really turned on I was by these transvestite men taking clothes off. I was like, What does that even make me?"
I can see how that was displayed through your lyrics Kesha. I can only assume that you convey this message through the lyric “There's a place downtown, where the freaks all come around.”
That’s nice. You’re fascinated by them, you’re turned on by them, and you call them freaks.
I’M BEING TOLERANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In all honesty though, am I surprised? No. I’d be more surprised if it didn’t. It sounds like a pile of dog shit would turn Kesha on. If there’s an earthquake in Mongolia, Kesha gets turned on here 2 days later.
By the way, I’ve got nothing against transvestite men, or their ability to take their clothes off. I just feel bad that I have to mention them in the same sentence as Kesha.
LIKE: 3
TERRIBLE: 5
EMBARRASSED: 5
TOTAL: 13
2) “I Like It” (Enrique Iglesias featuring Pitbull)
Now, THIS is embarrassing. The music’s horrendous, bland-ass, stupid club music with no hint of thought process. But that’s not what gets me.
I’m sorry Enrique. I know you’ve had other songs since “Hero” but I’m going to perfectly honest with you. I don’t listen to you. So that’s the last song off the top of my head that I know you had. And I have a real hard time connecting the epic cheesy-ness of “Hero” with the guy who says, “My girlfriend's out of town And I'm all alone Your boyfriend's on vacation And he doesn't have to know.”
“I can be your hero, baby…
I can have a one night stand with a washed up Latin singer that ruins my stable relationship and likely my life because c’mon do you really think you’re the first girl Enrique’s said that to?”
God, these lyrics… I’m not expecting much here, but I had more respect for Enrique than this.
Round round round
Give a low low low
Let the time time pass
'Cause we're never getting old
What the shit? I thought this was Enrique, not Rihanna.
But despite my disappointment in myself and Enrique for this one, Pitbull takes a song than would have still made this list, and made it ten times worse.
The city of Miami should do themselves a favor and publicly disown Pitbull. He’s just plain terrible. The random Spanish interjections should embarrass Americans everywhere. Mainly the “Fiesta!” Forever!” part. My hands are shaking with rage. I also like the shout out to Barack and Michelle… I’m sure they’d love to party with … Pitbull. He should have been sitting next to Biden at the State of the Union.
Speaking of, you know what I don’t get? Obama gets a shit-ton of shout-outs in songs- many of them party/dance songs, and yet has done nothing to suggest that he’s ever been a partier. I was a lot younger, but I don’t remember Clinton getting shout-outs like that. In fact, artists were making fun of him! DOUBLE STANDARD.
LIKE: 4
TERRIBLE: 5
EMBARRASSMENT: 5
TOTAL: 14
1) “California Gurls” (Katy Perry)
This was really a toss-up between “Teenage Dream” and “California Gurls” but in any case, I am BAFFLED by my enjoyment of Katy Perry. Nothing says “manufactured pop” like Katy Perry. Her vocals aren’t very good, the music isn’t very good, the songs as a whole are not very good. BUT WHY IS IT THEN THAT I LIKE ALMOST ALL OF THEM?
Seriously, I think I’m getting sick. I liked that one about Vegas, too, and I liked “Hot and Cold” before it got ridiculously overplayed. Why is it though, that no matter how much I hear “California Gurls”, it doesn’t get old for me?
The music is so freaking terrible. Just awful. Nothing memorable about it at all.
And Katy Perry’s constant “O-o-O-o-O” is the stuff I hear in my nightmares when loved ones are getting tortured.
I have weird dreams.
But anyways… these lyrics- who the hell writes this?
“West Coast represent- now put your hands up”
“So hot we’ll melt your popsicle”
What lazy ass writing. Not that I expect lyrical genius from the Katy Perry camp, but good God, everything in me should want to hate this song.
Not to mention Snoop Dogg, proving once and for all that he’s lost all street cred he’s ever had. This might be his biggest sell out, and that’s really saying something. His verses are absolute trash, that kind of stuff said by anyone else would get that person thrown out of recording. But Snoop can do this because… f*** you, that’s why! Just getting a paycheck with this one. Bastard.
Although I will say, as a heterosexual male, when Katy Perry does her … noises during Snoop’s verses…
I approve.
Anyway, the music video is a whole ‘nother story. While Katy Perry looks pretty freaking awesome (at least- in the clouds), it’s trash too!
Did you know that in California, the streets are paved with candy and instead of the palm trees she’s singing about giant lollipops grow from the ground? Yeah! For real!
No wonder the state’s budget is so bad! They spent how many millions PLANTING LOLLIPOPS.
But I digress. The song is complete shit. I mean, I don’t like Lady Gaga or anything like that, but at least she's original. This? Nothing about this is original. Not a damn thing.
Wait- maybe not. I’ve never seen a woman fasten giant bottles to her boobs and fire cream from them akin to a squirt gun. By the way, I know that sounds pretty hot, but trust me, it’s not. Just keep her naked in the clouds.
LIKE: 5
TERRIBLE: 5
EMBARRASSED: 5
TOTAL: 15
This might have been the most difficult to write entry on this blog. You all better enjoy it. Later.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
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