Who the fuck writes these Skittles commercials? They lock a bunch of writers in a room and deprive them of sleep until they hallucinate an idea?
AWESOME: Machete
Have you not seen the trailer for this movie?
Holy fuck!
Like many things that kick ass, the trailer alone makes me want to go out and start a fight with the first motherfucker who looks at me the wrong way.
And that motherfucker will be the first motherfucker I see, cause no matter who looks at me after this trailer, it’s going to be the wrong way.
I mean, LOOK AT THE CAST FOR THIS MOVIE.
Jessica Alba (high five!)- I think everyone knows how I feel about this woman. Nuff said.
Michelle Rodriguez- the badass Latina chick who always plays that badass Latina chick!
Cheech?! Playing a priest who brandishes what looks like two shotguns in the trailer alone?! Sign me the fuck up!
Robert de Niro. Uhh…. Yes! More badassery is always appreciated, especially from this good of an actor. Like this is the first A-list actual ACTOR I’ve listed here. (Jessica, I love ya, but… you’re very attractive).
And lastly….. it’s…. that fucking outlaw looking Latino guy who always plays that outlaw looking Latino guy who would make me shit my pants instantaneously if I saw him at night alone! Fuck yes!
YOU CAN ALL BET YOUR ASSES THAT THERE WILL BE AN AWESOME REVIEW ON THIS MOVIE.
Gratuitous violence? Check
Sexy women? Check
Sexy woman engaging in gratuitous violence?
CHECK.
This is going to be a classic!
NOT AWESOME: Toaster Ovens
Imagine how the toaster oven was pitched.
NED: Hey Frank!
FRANK: Yeah Ned?
NED: What’s that thing you invented?
FRANK: The internal combustion engine?
NED: No, no, the other thing.
FRANK: Oh, the oven.
NED: Yeah, that’s it. What’s it good for?
FRANK: Cooking shit.
NED: What kind of shit?
FRANK: Uh…. You know, meat. Pizza. Macaroni and cheese, maybe?
NED: Aw dude, that sounds sweet.
FRANK: Yeah I like it.
NED: You’ll never believe what I invented!
FRANK: Okay, what did you invent?
NED: It’s this shiny box looking thing. You put bread or shit like that in there, and it toasts it!
FRANK: That’s really cool man, congratulations. What’ll you call it?
NED: I call it, the “TOASTER”.
FRANK: Original.
NED: Hey, fuck you!
FRANK: I’m just saying that’s a great name. The thing that toasts, the toaster.
NED: Yeah, the name gives it a character all of its own. I’m going to pitch a movie about it, something like the “Courageous Diminutive Toasting Unit”.
FRANK: You really need to work on names man.
NED: Anyway, you got something good, I got something good, how about we combine them?
FRANK: Fine, but I get to name it. How about “toaster oven”? It will toast and it will oven!
NED: BADASS!
Now, you’d think that if the oven cooks well and the toaster cooks well, the toaster oven should cook great.
EXCEPT NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN IT BURNS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF WHATEVER YOU’RE COOKING TO THE POINT WHERE EVEN DOGS WOULD BE LIKE “NO THANKS.”
(And by the way, the last time out of ten, it comes out freezing cold because I forgot to plug it in.)
The biggest problem that I have is for most food the microwave kicks the ever-loving shit out of the toaster oven.
It’s so unnecessary!
I’d rather eat shit that the blackened pile of fuck coming out of the toaster oven!
That pile might be a slice of pizza, some pop tarts, OR AN ABORTED FETUS.
And that’s a risk I can’t afford to take!
Because I will not eat that slice of pizza if there’s a chance there are mushrooms on it!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-24-10)
Guys, if you read this blog regularly and you like it, PLEASE let me know. I know it’s kinda …. Douchebaggy, but you seriously don’t know the thrill I get from people actually reading and enjoying this shitty little blog of mine.
AWESOME: Hot Dogs
With summer winding down, today I pay tribute to the great American classic that is the hot dog.
Hot dogs are made of ….
Beef…
Pork…
…
Dog?
……
What the hell are hot dogs made of?
Well, who the fuck cares! Cause hot dogs kick ASS.
You can put all sorts of shit on hot dogs, ketchup, mustard, relish, pickles, baked beans, nacho cheese, I’m telling you, you name it and it will probably taste good on a hot dog and bun.
(This does not include dipping your hot dog in Schmelch’s Schmape Schmuice.)
I’d estimate that I ate probably 50 of these babies this summer, and THAT’S 50 TOO FEW!
My personal favorite topping for hot dogs is “Texas Meat Sauce” and if you were worried that I didn’t know what hot dogs are made of, then you’re probably sweating bullets because for all I know “Texas Meat Sauce” is made of coyotes, armadillos, and illegal immigrants.
BUT DAMN DOES IT TASTE GOOD!
It’s not too late! Summer’s not over yet! Go out and get yourself some good ass hot dogs!
Make Joey Chestnut proud!
If he can eat 237 of them in 11 seconds, then one of them in 3 months won’t kill you.
Unless of course they use bad illegal immigrant.
NOT AWESOME: Inspirational Quotes
Listen.
We get it, okay.
You have dreams.
And if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything (Dr. Emmitt Brown).
But I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE POST QUOTE AFTER QUOTE OF FEEL GOOD SHIT DAY AFTER DAY WITHOUT EVER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!
There’s only so many times I can see you write about how you don’t care about what other people think, or about how you’re going to accomplish great things before I start to think you have serious self-esteem or motivation problems.
Now, I don’t mind people who post inspirational quotes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I’m not completely against feeling good, or more specifically, other people feeling good.
But for fuck’s sake, at least do something worthy of feeling good before or after.
Plus, inspirational quotes are a dime a dozen, and it’s always the same dozen.
Literally, all inspirational quotes differ only in the most minute details.
AND they’re misleading!
People seem to think that if they suffer enough and believe hard enough that good things are coming, that their hopes and dreams will come true. SIMPLY by reading inspirational quotes, many people think that they can avoid any of the work that comes in feeling good about themselves or finding love or any of that horse shit.
You want to do something then fucking do it. End of story.
If you need a quote to get you started, then God bless.
But don’t fucking play me or yourself. I don’t need it and neither do you.
Cause none of the people who said those quotes stopped after saying them, or accomplished nothing before saying them.
If that were the case, we wouldn’t have the time-traveling DeLorean or George McFly’s successful sci-fi books.
As Virgil said, “They can because they think they can.”
NOW GET OFF FUCKING FACEBOOK AND GO DO IT.
After all, a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single footstep.
And if you won’t take that single footstep, consider this shitty blog post a kick in the ass! Let’s go!
AWESOME: Hot Dogs
With summer winding down, today I pay tribute to the great American classic that is the hot dog.
Hot dogs are made of ….
Beef…
Pork…
…
Dog?
……
What the hell are hot dogs made of?
Well, who the fuck cares! Cause hot dogs kick ASS.
You can put all sorts of shit on hot dogs, ketchup, mustard, relish, pickles, baked beans, nacho cheese, I’m telling you, you name it and it will probably taste good on a hot dog and bun.
(This does not include dipping your hot dog in Schmelch’s Schmape Schmuice.)
I’d estimate that I ate probably 50 of these babies this summer, and THAT’S 50 TOO FEW!
My personal favorite topping for hot dogs is “Texas Meat Sauce” and if you were worried that I didn’t know what hot dogs are made of, then you’re probably sweating bullets because for all I know “Texas Meat Sauce” is made of coyotes, armadillos, and illegal immigrants.
BUT DAMN DOES IT TASTE GOOD!
It’s not too late! Summer’s not over yet! Go out and get yourself some good ass hot dogs!
Make Joey Chestnut proud!
If he can eat 237 of them in 11 seconds, then one of them in 3 months won’t kill you.
Unless of course they use bad illegal immigrant.
NOT AWESOME: Inspirational Quotes
Listen.
We get it, okay.
You have dreams.
And if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything (Dr. Emmitt Brown).
But I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE POST QUOTE AFTER QUOTE OF FEEL GOOD SHIT DAY AFTER DAY WITHOUT EVER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!
There’s only so many times I can see you write about how you don’t care about what other people think, or about how you’re going to accomplish great things before I start to think you have serious self-esteem or motivation problems.
Now, I don’t mind people who post inspirational quotes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I’m not completely against feeling good, or more specifically, other people feeling good.
But for fuck’s sake, at least do something worthy of feeling good before or after.
Plus, inspirational quotes are a dime a dozen, and it’s always the same dozen.
Literally, all inspirational quotes differ only in the most minute details.
AND they’re misleading!
People seem to think that if they suffer enough and believe hard enough that good things are coming, that their hopes and dreams will come true. SIMPLY by reading inspirational quotes, many people think that they can avoid any of the work that comes in feeling good about themselves or finding love or any of that horse shit.
You want to do something then fucking do it. End of story.
If you need a quote to get you started, then God bless.
But don’t fucking play me or yourself. I don’t need it and neither do you.
Cause none of the people who said those quotes stopped after saying them, or accomplished nothing before saying them.
If that were the case, we wouldn’t have the time-traveling DeLorean or George McFly’s successful sci-fi books.
As Virgil said, “They can because they think they can.”
NOW GET OFF FUCKING FACEBOOK AND GO DO IT.
After all, a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single footstep.
And if you won’t take that single footstep, consider this shitty blog post a kick in the ass! Let’s go!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-23-10)
I hope in Transformers 3 they introduce a new kind of transformer…. The emoticon. >:-(
AWESOME: Bad Editorials
I love when I have time in the morning before I have to go to class or work.
I get to eat breakfast.
Take a nice long shower to wake me up.
Maybe watch a little TV.
And best of all, I get to read the newspaper.
And best of all the newspaper, are the editorials.
Holy shit. I mean, I’d like to think that my blog entries are funny.
(They are, right?.... Please?)
But man, I could never be as funny as some of the editorials I get to read every now and then.
There are two types of bad editorials:
1) The kind about a relevant topic, but written about with an absurd logic or no logic at all. These are often marked with statements of fact that are complete and utter bullshit, or basically two paragraphs worth of fear and hate mongering. They often have no closing or summarizing lines, and just abruptly end with something similar to “so there!”
Ex: (note: I made this one up.)
“Reader weighs in on mosque in NYC”
I saw where they’re thinking about putting a mosque near Ground Zero. I told you all this would happen if we elect a muslim president! They’ve been planning this since 9-11! If we put a mosque several blocks away from Ground Zero, the terrorists win! This sort of thing would never happen with Sarah Palin in the White House.
I say we put an army recruitment center where the mosque is gonna go. That will really send a message about how we operate here. This is America! A land of freedom, where we can say what we want, do what we want, worship what we want, and build what we want! That’s why we can’t let them build the mosque- we gotta protect our values!
Sincerely, Ignorant B. McFuckelman
2) The kind about absolutely nothing of any importance, and seem to be in the paper solely to be made fun of. The information provided in them will be useful to no one except those looking for cannon fodder on their shitty blogs.
Ex: (actual editorial- paraphrased)
“Marine cries foul on sailor’s ‘can’t swim’”
The other day I was watching the movie Pearl Harbor. When the Japanese attacked, I clearly heard one sailor yell, “I can’t swim!” Now, let me tell you something, when I was becoming a Marine I didn’t know how to swim, but trust me you learned quick. This ruined the movie for me.
Sincerely, Ronald “Nothing Better to Do” Spakowski
I don’t even have to write any jokes for that. That’s just fucking awesome.
I love the editorials.
NOT AWESOME: Too Much Sugar
As some of you may know, I LOVE juice.
I drink it early and often, all kinds. Great shit.
So this morning I poured myself a nice big glass of “Schmlelch’s Schmape Schmuice” (named changed to protect the brand).
I took a sip andddd
HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!
I started to choke a little, my eyes did that squinty thing kind like if you had a really sour lemon and then someone took another part of said lemon and squirted the juice in your eyes, my head did an Exorcist spin around and I projectile vomited!
Damnnnn that’s a lot of sugar.
I think this is what Frankie Smith and all those fucking kids in the background probably drank right before they recorded “Double Dutch Bus”.
So, of course, that was only a sip. I certainly wasn’t going to waste the other 6 ounces of Schmape Schmuice.
I took out a Rosary, and began praying.
Some 40 minutes later, I put the Rosary away, and again examined the contents of my glass.
Luckily, none of my vomit from earlier made its way into the glass.
Actually, wait, that’s too bad since (if the vomit did make the glass) it would have given me an excuse to toss the Schmuice right down the drain.
Or, if I didn’t want to do that, I’m sure that the contents of my stomach would have made it a bit more palatable and greatly lowered the sugar density, thereby making it easier to drink.
So I knew this wasn’t going to get any easier from here on out. I told my family I loved them, tilted the glass back, and chugged.
10 seconds later I was done! But I was feeling really terrible.
I HAVE TYPE II DIABETES!
Goddamnit!
Where’s Wilford Brimley when you need him?
AWESOME: Bad Editorials
I love when I have time in the morning before I have to go to class or work.
I get to eat breakfast.
Take a nice long shower to wake me up.
Maybe watch a little TV.
And best of all, I get to read the newspaper.
And best of all the newspaper, are the editorials.
Holy shit. I mean, I’d like to think that my blog entries are funny.
(They are, right?.... Please?)
But man, I could never be as funny as some of the editorials I get to read every now and then.
There are two types of bad editorials:
1) The kind about a relevant topic, but written about with an absurd logic or no logic at all. These are often marked with statements of fact that are complete and utter bullshit, or basically two paragraphs worth of fear and hate mongering. They often have no closing or summarizing lines, and just abruptly end with something similar to “so there!”
Ex: (note: I made this one up.)
“Reader weighs in on mosque in NYC”
I saw where they’re thinking about putting a mosque near Ground Zero. I told you all this would happen if we elect a muslim president! They’ve been planning this since 9-11! If we put a mosque several blocks away from Ground Zero, the terrorists win! This sort of thing would never happen with Sarah Palin in the White House.
I say we put an army recruitment center where the mosque is gonna go. That will really send a message about how we operate here. This is America! A land of freedom, where we can say what we want, do what we want, worship what we want, and build what we want! That’s why we can’t let them build the mosque- we gotta protect our values!
Sincerely, Ignorant B. McFuckelman
2) The kind about absolutely nothing of any importance, and seem to be in the paper solely to be made fun of. The information provided in them will be useful to no one except those looking for cannon fodder on their shitty blogs.
Ex: (actual editorial- paraphrased)
“Marine cries foul on sailor’s ‘can’t swim’”
The other day I was watching the movie Pearl Harbor. When the Japanese attacked, I clearly heard one sailor yell, “I can’t swim!” Now, let me tell you something, when I was becoming a Marine I didn’t know how to swim, but trust me you learned quick. This ruined the movie for me.
Sincerely, Ronald “Nothing Better to Do” Spakowski
I don’t even have to write any jokes for that. That’s just fucking awesome.
I love the editorials.
NOT AWESOME: Too Much Sugar
As some of you may know, I LOVE juice.
I drink it early and often, all kinds. Great shit.
So this morning I poured myself a nice big glass of “Schmlelch’s Schmape Schmuice” (named changed to protect the brand).
I took a sip andddd
HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!
I started to choke a little, my eyes did that squinty thing kind like if you had a really sour lemon and then someone took another part of said lemon and squirted the juice in your eyes, my head did an Exorcist spin around and I projectile vomited!
Damnnnn that’s a lot of sugar.
I think this is what Frankie Smith and all those fucking kids in the background probably drank right before they recorded “Double Dutch Bus”.
So, of course, that was only a sip. I certainly wasn’t going to waste the other 6 ounces of Schmape Schmuice.
I took out a Rosary, and began praying.
Some 40 minutes later, I put the Rosary away, and again examined the contents of my glass.
Luckily, none of my vomit from earlier made its way into the glass.
Actually, wait, that’s too bad since (if the vomit did make the glass) it would have given me an excuse to toss the Schmuice right down the drain.
Or, if I didn’t want to do that, I’m sure that the contents of my stomach would have made it a bit more palatable and greatly lowered the sugar density, thereby making it easier to drink.
So I knew this wasn’t going to get any easier from here on out. I told my family I loved them, tilted the glass back, and chugged.
10 seconds later I was done! But I was feeling really terrible.
I HAVE TYPE II DIABETES!
Goddamnit!
Where’s Wilford Brimley when you need him?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-20-10)
I miss hockey. Is it October yet?
AWESOME: Shuffle
As I’ve pointed out time and time again, I don’t want an ipod. My cassettes and CDs serve me just fine, and they’re significantly cheaper.
But one feature that I fucking LOVE though is Shuffle. I don’t get tired of this, I just don’t.
I have 3000 songs or so on my itunes so when I put on shuffle I really don’t have any idea what’s playing next.
You know that feeling when you’re listening to the radio and that song that you love but you never hear comes on (probably “Run Around” by Blues Traveler)? And you can listen to the song on Youtube or whatever at home, but there’s a kind of satisfaction hearing it elsewhere.
Well, shuffle doesn’t quite get to that feeling, but it’s still pretty damn good. You can’t be completely surprised by it because (typically) you know what songs and artists you have in your library.
Although, you can be surprised other ways. Sometimes two songs so radically different directly follow one another and I have an aneurism. Van Halen to the Alan Parsons Project will just never make sense.
Sometimes you just gotta keep skipping until my mind can handle the randomness.
But by far the weirdest shit is when, on shuffle you get songs back-to-back from the same album. That’s just fucking crazy.
I got 3000 songs, and you get consecutive songs from the same artist and same album.
I don’t know why I’m so amazed by this phenomenon. But I am, it’s awesome.
So, does this mean I’m going to get an ipod?
Nope.
What about an ipod shuffle?
Well….. we’ll see.
NOT AWESOME: Soft Drinks at Restaurants
Do you know how much it costs to get a fountain soda at a restaurant? Like how much it costs the restaurant?
Like 25 cents. The cup and lid cost more than the soda.
So you’d figure they’d charge us like 75 cents for it, right? They’re making a good profit then.
Oh, no, the drink is like $2.50. Great.
But at least they give us a cup full of soda right? If they’re going to charge us 10 times the production cost of the item, SURELY they take care of the customer and give him what he’s paying for.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 14 ICE CUBES?
DO YOU KEEP YOUR SODA BOILING BACK THERE? THERE’S NO NEED FOR THIS SHIT!
I take 8 sips and the cup is empty.
Well, at least the cup is empty of soda, you know WHAT I PAID FOR.
I can wait until the ice melts and get a free cup of water!
Yeah, take that, fast food joints! Fuck ya’ll!
At most THREE ice cubes are needed, and that’s if it’s like 100 degrees outside or something.
But when more area is taken up with ice than soda, that’s when I get really fucking pissed off.
You know what I think it is?
I bet that they’re not trying to save money by saving soda.
I bet it costs MORE MONEY to make ICE, so by giving us a whole fuckload of ice they can charge us even MORE.
That HAS to be it.
Or maybe it’s the fucking employees’ fault. They want to do as little work as possible, so they take the quick way out. They can save 3 seconds time pressing the Sierra Mist button if half the cup is ice! Then it’s back to standing around wishing you didn’t work here!
Listen, I hate doing trivial shit, especially for other people while I’m at work.
But c’mon dude, don’t screw me over on this. Just give me a full cup.
Or if you won’t give me a full cup, can I get a free refill?
No?
Go fuck yourself. I ain’t coming here no more.
AWESOME: Shuffle
As I’ve pointed out time and time again, I don’t want an ipod. My cassettes and CDs serve me just fine, and they’re significantly cheaper.
But one feature that I fucking LOVE though is Shuffle. I don’t get tired of this, I just don’t.
I have 3000 songs or so on my itunes so when I put on shuffle I really don’t have any idea what’s playing next.
You know that feeling when you’re listening to the radio and that song that you love but you never hear comes on (probably “Run Around” by Blues Traveler)? And you can listen to the song on Youtube or whatever at home, but there’s a kind of satisfaction hearing it elsewhere.
Well, shuffle doesn’t quite get to that feeling, but it’s still pretty damn good. You can’t be completely surprised by it because (typically) you know what songs and artists you have in your library.
Although, you can be surprised other ways. Sometimes two songs so radically different directly follow one another and I have an aneurism. Van Halen to the Alan Parsons Project will just never make sense.
Sometimes you just gotta keep skipping until my mind can handle the randomness.
But by far the weirdest shit is when, on shuffle you get songs back-to-back from the same album. That’s just fucking crazy.
I got 3000 songs, and you get consecutive songs from the same artist and same album.
I don’t know why I’m so amazed by this phenomenon. But I am, it’s awesome.
So, does this mean I’m going to get an ipod?
Nope.
What about an ipod shuffle?
Well….. we’ll see.
NOT AWESOME: Soft Drinks at Restaurants
Do you know how much it costs to get a fountain soda at a restaurant? Like how much it costs the restaurant?
Like 25 cents. The cup and lid cost more than the soda.
So you’d figure they’d charge us like 75 cents for it, right? They’re making a good profit then.
Oh, no, the drink is like $2.50. Great.
But at least they give us a cup full of soda right? If they’re going to charge us 10 times the production cost of the item, SURELY they take care of the customer and give him what he’s paying for.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 14 ICE CUBES?
DO YOU KEEP YOUR SODA BOILING BACK THERE? THERE’S NO NEED FOR THIS SHIT!
I take 8 sips and the cup is empty.
Well, at least the cup is empty of soda, you know WHAT I PAID FOR.
I can wait until the ice melts and get a free cup of water!
Yeah, take that, fast food joints! Fuck ya’ll!
At most THREE ice cubes are needed, and that’s if it’s like 100 degrees outside or something.
But when more area is taken up with ice than soda, that’s when I get really fucking pissed off.
You know what I think it is?
I bet that they’re not trying to save money by saving soda.
I bet it costs MORE MONEY to make ICE, so by giving us a whole fuckload of ice they can charge us even MORE.
That HAS to be it.
Or maybe it’s the fucking employees’ fault. They want to do as little work as possible, so they take the quick way out. They can save 3 seconds time pressing the Sierra Mist button if half the cup is ice! Then it’s back to standing around wishing you didn’t work here!
Listen, I hate doing trivial shit, especially for other people while I’m at work.
But c’mon dude, don’t screw me over on this. Just give me a full cup.
Or if you won’t give me a full cup, can I get a free refill?
No?
Go fuck yourself. I ain’t coming here no more.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-19-10)
If I worked for a new station as an anchor, I’d be really tempted every time the weather guy started his little friendly banter with me to go, “Listen we pay you to do the weather, I don’t give a shit about what you’re planning for the weekend. We’re not friends asshole, we work together.”
AWESOME: Loaded Questions
There’s nothing as satisfying as making other people look like idiots.
And there’s really nothing as satisfying as proving their idiots by their inability to navigate out of a loaded question.
They’re fucking great!
Loaded questions have a long and storied history. Almost none of which I know about.
But what I do know is one of the greatest presidents of all-time, a gentleman by the name of Mr. Senor Abraham Lincoln, used one during the Lincoln-Douglass debates, which his opponent fell for. This would later lead to Lincoln getting his name on the map as “that tall goofy-looking dude who’s got some serious balls to do that during a debate” (actual quote by spectator).
This is of course why several years later Abraham Lincoln become president, while actor Michael Douglas did not (he was in his 20s back then).
But ANYWAY, loaded questions allow a person to ask another person a question, which, if he answers in a typical yes/no fashion, will make him admit to something about himself.
You know, usually that he’s a fucking moron.
I’ll give you an example, here we go:
“Don’t you even care about the amount of bullshit that you spew outta your face?”
Or how about
“Aren’t you ashamed about your mother’s rampant prostitution?”
Now, loaded questi-
NOT AWESOME: Stations that cut off the parts of songs
Perhaps you’re wondering what happened to the rest of the Awesome above. Well, that’s what I was wondering when Free Bird was on the radio today, and when the guitar solo to end all guitar solos started, the station said “You’re listening to 10x the Shiteater!” and went to a commercial.
WHAT?!
No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this to me.
It’s right in the lyrics- “and this bird you cannot chain.”
That means YOU CAN’T FUCKING CUT OFF THE PART OF THE SONG THAT MADE THIS A CLASSIC.
It’s an 8 minute song, so I don’t want to hear 3 minutes of it. I want the full 8 minutes!
Truly, this is a tragedy. This is classic fucking rock we’re talking about here!
But at least they only cut out music. I mean I think it’d be even weirder if they started the song after the lyrics were over, and we only had the solo. That’d be even more upsetting to me anyway. So if I can only get part of the song… I think I’d rather the lyrics.
So, yeah, not hearing all of the song sucks, but you know, all the lyrics are there!
And I don’t think there are other epic songs out there that get cut for no-
OH MY GOD AMERICAN PIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I cannot believe that they could fucking edit American Pie! I wouldn’t even know WHERE to edit American Pie! It’s not like Free Bird- the whole fucking thing is full of the best fucking lyrics ever written, and they’re never a break in them long enough to do a clean edit.
And there’s no excuse- EVER- for cutting American Pie. In my America, it’s illegal to do so.
In fact, those of you who know me well know that when American Pie is on the radio, I REFUSE TO LEAVE MY CAR UNTIL THE SONG IS OVER.
I have been late to job interviews as a result. But it’s worth it. Every time.
So if I’m willing to be potentially unemployed as a result of this song, the least you can do is play all of it!
So when American Pie got cut…… I had a few choices.
1) Simply get out of the car.
2) Wait until the song WOULD have been over, then get out of the car.
3) Wait until the song comes on AGAIN on another station, listen to it in its entirety, and then get out of the car.
I really wanted to do 3, but… it could prove lengthy. So, instead I sang the song to myself while weeping like a little bitch until the song would have been over.
But that’s what Don McLean does to me.
The day that music died.
Tragic.
And it dies again every time a long song is cut on the radio. So not awesome.
AWESOME: Loaded Questions
There’s nothing as satisfying as making other people look like idiots.
And there’s really nothing as satisfying as proving their idiots by their inability to navigate out of a loaded question.
They’re fucking great!
Loaded questions have a long and storied history. Almost none of which I know about.
But what I do know is one of the greatest presidents of all-time, a gentleman by the name of Mr. Senor Abraham Lincoln, used one during the Lincoln-Douglass debates, which his opponent fell for. This would later lead to Lincoln getting his name on the map as “that tall goofy-looking dude who’s got some serious balls to do that during a debate” (actual quote by spectator).
This is of course why several years later Abraham Lincoln become president, while actor Michael Douglas did not (he was in his 20s back then).
But ANYWAY, loaded questions allow a person to ask another person a question, which, if he answers in a typical yes/no fashion, will make him admit to something about himself.
You know, usually that he’s a fucking moron.
I’ll give you an example, here we go:
“Don’t you even care about the amount of bullshit that you spew outta your face?”
Or how about
“Aren’t you ashamed about your mother’s rampant prostitution?”
Now, loaded questi-
NOT AWESOME: Stations that cut off the parts of songs
Perhaps you’re wondering what happened to the rest of the Awesome above. Well, that’s what I was wondering when Free Bird was on the radio today, and when the guitar solo to end all guitar solos started, the station said “You’re listening to 10x the Shiteater!” and went to a commercial.
WHAT?!
No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this to me.
It’s right in the lyrics- “and this bird you cannot chain.”
That means YOU CAN’T FUCKING CUT OFF THE PART OF THE SONG THAT MADE THIS A CLASSIC.
It’s an 8 minute song, so I don’t want to hear 3 minutes of it. I want the full 8 minutes!
Truly, this is a tragedy. This is classic fucking rock we’re talking about here!
But at least they only cut out music. I mean I think it’d be even weirder if they started the song after the lyrics were over, and we only had the solo. That’d be even more upsetting to me anyway. So if I can only get part of the song… I think I’d rather the lyrics.
So, yeah, not hearing all of the song sucks, but you know, all the lyrics are there!
And I don’t think there are other epic songs out there that get cut for no-
OH MY GOD AMERICAN PIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I cannot believe that they could fucking edit American Pie! I wouldn’t even know WHERE to edit American Pie! It’s not like Free Bird- the whole fucking thing is full of the best fucking lyrics ever written, and they’re never a break in them long enough to do a clean edit.
And there’s no excuse- EVER- for cutting American Pie. In my America, it’s illegal to do so.
In fact, those of you who know me well know that when American Pie is on the radio, I REFUSE TO LEAVE MY CAR UNTIL THE SONG IS OVER.
I have been late to job interviews as a result. But it’s worth it. Every time.
So if I’m willing to be potentially unemployed as a result of this song, the least you can do is play all of it!
So when American Pie got cut…… I had a few choices.
1) Simply get out of the car.
2) Wait until the song WOULD have been over, then get out of the car.
3) Wait until the song comes on AGAIN on another station, listen to it in its entirety, and then get out of the car.
I really wanted to do 3, but… it could prove lengthy. So, instead I sang the song to myself while weeping like a little bitch until the song would have been over.
But that’s what Don McLean does to me.
The day that music died.
Tragic.
And it dies again every time a long song is cut on the radio. So not awesome.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-18-10)
Sorry I’m so late today. I just got done vomiting from picking up 25 dead birds this afternoon.
I wish I was joking.
Actually, I am joking.
About the vomiting part.
AWESOME: The Little League World Series
There’s a common argument against the NFL and the NBA: the players are only in it for the money anymore. Nobody cares about the game, they just want to make their bank. The argument could be made that the NHL is headed in that direction too (see the recently voided Kovalchuk deal).
So sports enthusiasts say college sports will forever be better than professional sports. The players are in it for the joy of the game, and most of them are.
You know, all the players not named Reggie Bush.
Most of those players in the major sports will not play professionally, and there are thousands more whose sports are so under the radar that even if they do play professionally, there’s no way it’s for the money.
So if you like shit like that, then WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU WATCHING THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES?
I friggin love this shit. The best baseball and softball teams in the world 12 or 13 and under. What’s not to love? For most of these kids this is going to be the biggest games of their lives and I fucking love watching them enjoy the spotlight on national TV.
I get more excited for the LLWS than I do the World Cup (although this year was close). While I think it’s kinda not fair that a U.S. team is guaranteed to play in the title game, you gotta love it.
On the other hand, whatever, we invented the LLWS, so fuck you, rest of the world.
Occasionally you’ll find a player on one of the LL teams that will grow up to play in the MLB. So friggin cool.
Or you find a kid that’s like a fucking freak of nature (who isn’t actually 16).
Two years in a row an African team made the LLWS, one of their players was about 6’8”, about 250.
Fucking hilarious to watch this kid use a bat the size of his forearm (they have rules about bat lengths) but man this kid was fun to watch. If he connected, look out, it might go back to Africa.
Anyways, if you’ve never watched the LLWS, you really should. You wanna watch the purest form of sports around? No money, no individuals, just 16 teams from around the world trying to become immortal.
And maybe that’s as far as baseball goes for them.
But still, that’s pretty fucking awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Razors
Shaving sucks. But that’s a different topic.
Razors, now they fucking suck.
It’s so easy to cut yourself, and it seems like every time I need to look really clean, that’s when I cut myself.
And it’s never really a minor thing either. It’s like…. You know, a really fucking formal dinner or something, and I go to shave and I have a fucking three inch long cut bleeding across my neck for five hours.
I have all these bloody paper towels, my white button-down shirt is ruined, I have to apply pressure for like 20 minutes.
It’s a Goddamn nightmare!
But the worst part is the commercials that promote newer, better razors, that have even MORE blades, so that if I slip while shaving I will most certainly cut my jugular and bleed out in a matter of seconds.
How many fuckin blades do you need?
I say 2 is the limit. If you miss something with one blade, maybe the other will catch it, and if you cut yourself you’ll probably live.
I’ve seen razors with SIX blades. How bad do you have to be at shaving to need SIX blades?
But the single worst thing I’ve seen in the past couple months is the new Schick commercials, where some dude is shaving in a bathroom and a whole TV crew comes crashing through the door and some guy yells “WHOOOO! SCHICK!” or some kinda bullshit like that.
If I’m shaving in a public place and 25 people come flying in the door behind me yelling, I’m dead.
Not even close. I could be shaving with a piece of string and I’d be going to meet the big guy in the Sky, who I understand is not very familiar or good with razors either.
So, since I’d rather not die, I’ll take a shitty plastic single or double blade razor anyday.
My jugular is very sensitive- don’t judge me, assholes. That’s not awesome.
By the way, do you think men with Parkinson’s shave themselves? I feel like that’s pretty damn risky….
I wish I was joking.
Actually, I am joking.
About the vomiting part.
AWESOME: The Little League World Series
There’s a common argument against the NFL and the NBA: the players are only in it for the money anymore. Nobody cares about the game, they just want to make their bank. The argument could be made that the NHL is headed in that direction too (see the recently voided Kovalchuk deal).
So sports enthusiasts say college sports will forever be better than professional sports. The players are in it for the joy of the game, and most of them are.
You know, all the players not named Reggie Bush.
Most of those players in the major sports will not play professionally, and there are thousands more whose sports are so under the radar that even if they do play professionally, there’s no way it’s for the money.
So if you like shit like that, then WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU WATCHING THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES?
I friggin love this shit. The best baseball and softball teams in the world 12 or 13 and under. What’s not to love? For most of these kids this is going to be the biggest games of their lives and I fucking love watching them enjoy the spotlight on national TV.
I get more excited for the LLWS than I do the World Cup (although this year was close). While I think it’s kinda not fair that a U.S. team is guaranteed to play in the title game, you gotta love it.
On the other hand, whatever, we invented the LLWS, so fuck you, rest of the world.
Occasionally you’ll find a player on one of the LL teams that will grow up to play in the MLB. So friggin cool.
Or you find a kid that’s like a fucking freak of nature (who isn’t actually 16).
Two years in a row an African team made the LLWS, one of their players was about 6’8”, about 250.
Fucking hilarious to watch this kid use a bat the size of his forearm (they have rules about bat lengths) but man this kid was fun to watch. If he connected, look out, it might go back to Africa.
Anyways, if you’ve never watched the LLWS, you really should. You wanna watch the purest form of sports around? No money, no individuals, just 16 teams from around the world trying to become immortal.
And maybe that’s as far as baseball goes for them.
But still, that’s pretty fucking awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Razors
Shaving sucks. But that’s a different topic.
Razors, now they fucking suck.
It’s so easy to cut yourself, and it seems like every time I need to look really clean, that’s when I cut myself.
And it’s never really a minor thing either. It’s like…. You know, a really fucking formal dinner or something, and I go to shave and I have a fucking three inch long cut bleeding across my neck for five hours.
I have all these bloody paper towels, my white button-down shirt is ruined, I have to apply pressure for like 20 minutes.
It’s a Goddamn nightmare!
But the worst part is the commercials that promote newer, better razors, that have even MORE blades, so that if I slip while shaving I will most certainly cut my jugular and bleed out in a matter of seconds.
How many fuckin blades do you need?
I say 2 is the limit. If you miss something with one blade, maybe the other will catch it, and if you cut yourself you’ll probably live.
I’ve seen razors with SIX blades. How bad do you have to be at shaving to need SIX blades?
But the single worst thing I’ve seen in the past couple months is the new Schick commercials, where some dude is shaving in a bathroom and a whole TV crew comes crashing through the door and some guy yells “WHOOOO! SCHICK!” or some kinda bullshit like that.
If I’m shaving in a public place and 25 people come flying in the door behind me yelling, I’m dead.
Not even close. I could be shaving with a piece of string and I’d be going to meet the big guy in the Sky, who I understand is not very familiar or good with razors either.
So, since I’d rather not die, I’ll take a shitty plastic single or double blade razor anyday.
My jugular is very sensitive- don’t judge me, assholes. That’s not awesome.
By the way, do you think men with Parkinson’s shave themselves? I feel like that’s pretty damn risky….
Monday, August 16, 2010
Special Not Awesome (8-17-10)
I saw something disturbing the other day.
Can you guess what it was?
a) A raccoon was hit by a train, and one half of his body was lying on one side of the tracks, and the other half…. Was on the other side of the tracks.
b) I changed the channel quickly and saw Derek Jeter making out his manager Joe Girardi on Rescue Me.
c) The Bills got absolutely stomped by the Redskins in their first preseason game.
Give up?
Well, I saw (a) once a couple of years ago, and (c) happened the other NIGHT.
But the correct real answer is… the trailer for the “film” Vampires Suck.
(By the way, (b) never happened)
And so, I bring you a very special Not Awesome, Vampires Suck.
1) First problem, the title. Vampires Suck.
That’s very creative.
I can only assume Vampire Movie is also in the works and has already been copyrighted by the Wayans brothers.
But actually the biggest issue I have is vampires don’t suck. TWILIGHT sucks.
What Stephanie Myer’s DONE to vampires suck.
In fact, vampires were pretty much ALWAYS COOL until this little fucking fad came along!
Dracula- awesome. Countless movie versions, rip-offs like Nosferatu that were still pretty fucking awesome in the own right, the Castlevania games.
All of these things are cool.
Now, imagine that a bunch of hormonal teenage girls tranquilized Dracula and proceeded to run the train on his passed out ass in a really fucked up version of the pregnancy pact.
(As if the pregnancy pact wasn't fucked up enough)
Then fast forward nine months (do half-vampires need that long to develop?) and all these girls squirt out a bunch of bastard vampires. Let’s say that they have … oh, I don’t know, 15 little vamps. Then each year they kill off the ugliest one and/or the one that appears to be most masculine. So by the kids’ 16th birthday only one of them is left. Then they put the little fuck in a wind tunnel and tell him over and over again that no girl will ever love him, because he’s too fucking moody, and that he’s part-vampire. He’s a circus freak, but not even the cool kind of freak that people want to see, he’s like the bearded woman.
They leave him in there for 2 years.
And there you have the concept of Edward . . . Whatever his last name is. I’m guessing Voorhees.
Then, after that, the chick who fathered him calls up Dracula.
Dracula: Hello?
Chick: Hey Dracula.
Dracula: Who’s this?
Chick: Oh, my name’s not important. Do you remember some 20 years ago when you were gang raped violently?
Dracula: What?! No!
Chick: Oh, right, we tranq’d you.
Dracula: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Chick: Anyways, yeah, turns out you had 15 illegitimate children. You think you’re scary, thank God we didn’t make you pay child support? (laughter)
Dracula: (silence)
Chick: Geez… can’t take a fucking joke. But uh, Drac, listen, my son Edward he could really use a father figure in his life, especially after we’ve trained him to be a pussy for the past 18 years. So you’re pretty badass, I figure you can teach him how to be cool right?
Dracula: Wrong, bitch.
Chick: I tell you what. I’ll make this real easy on you. Either you give Edward some of your cool legacy, or I’ll tell the world a bunch of fucking teenage girls raped you in your sleep. Your choice.
Dracula: Then go ahead and talk. I won’t do it.
Chick: You’ll rue the day you crossed me.
Dracula: You fucking raped me, you stupid asshole! Now you want me to do you a favor? Fuck you! (click)
So now the chick, unable to make good on her threat, since you know, she would expose herself as a rapist, is left with the fucking kid, and Dracula turns in a whiny shell of himself after being sexually abused.
What are we left with?
Shitty ass Twilight vampires suck SO FUCKING BAD that other vampires have to go into hiding, never to be awesome again.
ALL THIS BECAUSE OF THE TITLE.
Vampires suck. Hm. Well, NOW they do!
2) The fan-chick fight
One of the big jokes pushed in the trailer is the fight between Team Edward and Team Jacob fangirls.
This has been old since before it was born. It was cliché as it was being written.
I mean, fuck, THERE ARE FACEBOOK GROUPS MAKING FUN OF THIS “ISSUE” THAT ARE FUNNIER THE FIGHT IN THE TRAILER.
Imagine if New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox fans just took turns saying, “Yankees are better”, “No Red Sox are better, Yankees suck” and so on and so forth for an hour and a half.
How long would it take it you to stop listening to that? I’m guessing 2 minutes.
Now, take the same argument, and give them weapons. The dialogue is exactly the same, with both sides only able to express their desires or loves in the most basic way imaginable.
Does this make it funny now?
Nope. Just makes it sad. Like they’re trying so damn hard to be funny, there’s no way they can be (kind of like the past couple of seasons of Family Guy).
3) This whole thing should be a MADtv sketch.
Listen, when the parody or exploitation you’re making is the same length as the movie you’re mocking, you’re going to have problems.
Trust me, I’ve made a fucking living making fun of Twilight, and honestly there’s not that much to say about it. It’s just the same shit over and over again.
And that’s all the movie is, just all the jokes that everyone’s been telling each other about Twilight for the past two or three years except you’ve got to pay to hear/see them this time.
But let’s give it the benefit of the doubt that there is at least SOME original material in the fucking thing.
I personally guarantee that material is not any longer than 5 minutes. In other words, this is sketch comedy shit.
But everybody already knows that!
It’s no secret that everybody knows this movie is utter shit. Fucking everybody.
And do you know why it’s made?
Because (a) people who like Twilight way too much will go to see it to laugh at themselves- but in reality it’s kinda of like really shitty pot jokes- only stoners think it's funny.
(b) people who really hate Twilight will go to feel in the loop, like some people pick on people named Meg because they saw Peter make fun of someone named Meg on Family Guy. In other words, because they’re idiots.
(c) people have proven time and time again that really shitty pop culture-laden shit-tertainment sells. There have been what 4 Scary Movies (only 2 of them worth any of time at all, and none of them actually good movies), Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans…. I’m sure I’m missing more. So fuck you people for going to see those movies. Until these “fad movies” stop making money, they’re going to plague us.
So, please, don’t go to see Vampires Suck. Don’t do anything about Vampires Suck. Just ignore this shit.
If you do, you’ll force Hollywood to be responsible for their comedy.
Or at least what they’re passing off as comedy.
I can’t wait until they make Awesome Movie/Not Awesome Movie the double feature. No doubt based on the enormous success of this blog.
Can you guess what it was?
a) A raccoon was hit by a train, and one half of his body was lying on one side of the tracks, and the other half…. Was on the other side of the tracks.
b) I changed the channel quickly and saw Derek Jeter making out his manager Joe Girardi on Rescue Me.
c) The Bills got absolutely stomped by the Redskins in their first preseason game.
Give up?
Well, I saw (a) once a couple of years ago, and (c) happened the other NIGHT.
But the correct real answer is… the trailer for the “film” Vampires Suck.
(By the way, (b) never happened)
And so, I bring you a very special Not Awesome, Vampires Suck.
1) First problem, the title. Vampires Suck.
That’s very creative.
I can only assume Vampire Movie is also in the works and has already been copyrighted by the Wayans brothers.
But actually the biggest issue I have is vampires don’t suck. TWILIGHT sucks.
What Stephanie Myer’s DONE to vampires suck.
In fact, vampires were pretty much ALWAYS COOL until this little fucking fad came along!
Dracula- awesome. Countless movie versions, rip-offs like Nosferatu that were still pretty fucking awesome in the own right, the Castlevania games.
All of these things are cool.
Now, imagine that a bunch of hormonal teenage girls tranquilized Dracula and proceeded to run the train on his passed out ass in a really fucked up version of the pregnancy pact.
(As if the pregnancy pact wasn't fucked up enough)
Then fast forward nine months (do half-vampires need that long to develop?) and all these girls squirt out a bunch of bastard vampires. Let’s say that they have … oh, I don’t know, 15 little vamps. Then each year they kill off the ugliest one and/or the one that appears to be most masculine. So by the kids’ 16th birthday only one of them is left. Then they put the little fuck in a wind tunnel and tell him over and over again that no girl will ever love him, because he’s too fucking moody, and that he’s part-vampire. He’s a circus freak, but not even the cool kind of freak that people want to see, he’s like the bearded woman.
They leave him in there for 2 years.
And there you have the concept of Edward . . . Whatever his last name is. I’m guessing Voorhees.
Then, after that, the chick who fathered him calls up Dracula.
Dracula: Hello?
Chick: Hey Dracula.
Dracula: Who’s this?
Chick: Oh, my name’s not important. Do you remember some 20 years ago when you were gang raped violently?
Dracula: What?! No!
Chick: Oh, right, we tranq’d you.
Dracula: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Chick: Anyways, yeah, turns out you had 15 illegitimate children. You think you’re scary, thank God we didn’t make you pay child support? (laughter)
Dracula: (silence)
Chick: Geez… can’t take a fucking joke. But uh, Drac, listen, my son Edward he could really use a father figure in his life, especially after we’ve trained him to be a pussy for the past 18 years. So you’re pretty badass, I figure you can teach him how to be cool right?
Dracula: Wrong, bitch.
Chick: I tell you what. I’ll make this real easy on you. Either you give Edward some of your cool legacy, or I’ll tell the world a bunch of fucking teenage girls raped you in your sleep. Your choice.
Dracula: Then go ahead and talk. I won’t do it.
Chick: You’ll rue the day you crossed me.
Dracula: You fucking raped me, you stupid asshole! Now you want me to do you a favor? Fuck you! (click)
So now the chick, unable to make good on her threat, since you know, she would expose herself as a rapist, is left with the fucking kid, and Dracula turns in a whiny shell of himself after being sexually abused.
What are we left with?
Shitty ass Twilight vampires suck SO FUCKING BAD that other vampires have to go into hiding, never to be awesome again.
ALL THIS BECAUSE OF THE TITLE.
Vampires suck. Hm. Well, NOW they do!
2) The fan-chick fight
One of the big jokes pushed in the trailer is the fight between Team Edward and Team Jacob fangirls.
This has been old since before it was born. It was cliché as it was being written.
I mean, fuck, THERE ARE FACEBOOK GROUPS MAKING FUN OF THIS “ISSUE” THAT ARE FUNNIER THE FIGHT IN THE TRAILER.
Imagine if New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox fans just took turns saying, “Yankees are better”, “No Red Sox are better, Yankees suck” and so on and so forth for an hour and a half.
How long would it take it you to stop listening to that? I’m guessing 2 minutes.
Now, take the same argument, and give them weapons. The dialogue is exactly the same, with both sides only able to express their desires or loves in the most basic way imaginable.
Does this make it funny now?
Nope. Just makes it sad. Like they’re trying so damn hard to be funny, there’s no way they can be (kind of like the past couple of seasons of Family Guy).
3) This whole thing should be a MADtv sketch.
Listen, when the parody or exploitation you’re making is the same length as the movie you’re mocking, you’re going to have problems.
Trust me, I’ve made a fucking living making fun of Twilight, and honestly there’s not that much to say about it. It’s just the same shit over and over again.
And that’s all the movie is, just all the jokes that everyone’s been telling each other about Twilight for the past two or three years except you’ve got to pay to hear/see them this time.
But let’s give it the benefit of the doubt that there is at least SOME original material in the fucking thing.
I personally guarantee that material is not any longer than 5 minutes. In other words, this is sketch comedy shit.
But everybody already knows that!
It’s no secret that everybody knows this movie is utter shit. Fucking everybody.
And do you know why it’s made?
Because (a) people who like Twilight way too much will go to see it to laugh at themselves- but in reality it’s kinda of like really shitty pot jokes- only stoners think it's funny.
(b) people who really hate Twilight will go to feel in the loop, like some people pick on people named Meg because they saw Peter make fun of someone named Meg on Family Guy. In other words, because they’re idiots.
(c) people have proven time and time again that really shitty pop culture-laden shit-tertainment sells. There have been what 4 Scary Movies (only 2 of them worth any of time at all, and none of them actually good movies), Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans…. I’m sure I’m missing more. So fuck you people for going to see those movies. Until these “fad movies” stop making money, they’re going to plague us.
So, please, don’t go to see Vampires Suck. Don’t do anything about Vampires Suck. Just ignore this shit.
If you do, you’ll force Hollywood to be responsible for their comedy.
Or at least what they’re passing off as comedy.
I can’t wait until they make Awesome Movie/Not Awesome Movie the double feature. No doubt based on the enormous success of this blog.
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-16-10)
Someday I hope to buy an old Wal-mart and turn it into either an ice rink or a laser tag arena.
With the laser tag idea, we could even keep all the shelves and items up! That’d be sweet.
AWESOME: PostSecret
I only recently came across PostSecret, which is exactly what it sounds like…. But it goes a bit deeper.
Described as “an ongoing community art project”, anyone can mail in their secrets (duh!) to the PS headquarters using one side of a postcard. Typically the secrets are one brief sentence long, but you never realize how much you can say with just one sentence until you’ve seen some of these.
The secrets you can see on the website vary from funny to disturbing, everyday to extraordinary, romantic to psychotic. And I am fucking addicted.
Universities, towns, just about any large collection of people can have their own postsecret kind of mural set up on a wall, where people can anonymously share the darkest parts of their lives. How can you not be fascinated by this?
It’s kind of the music video for Seether’s “Fine Again”, but totally more crushing and uplifting at the same time.
I know this is a short entry, but really there’s nothing else to say about it without getting incredibly specific- and these aren’t my secrets, they’re someone else’s. Take a look when you can get a chance. You won’t be disappointed.
NOT AWESOME: Dog Years
How come dogs get their own special interval, the dog year?
First of all, I would be okay with this if it was a measure of distance like the light year (i.e. how much ground a dog can cover in a full year).
But it’s actually, or so I’m told, about 1/7 a year. Is that human years? I don’t fucking know.
Basically, what they mean to say is dogs age 7 times faster than human, and we have an insanely stupid way to say this. It’s not “Spot is 3 years old”, it’s “Spot is 21 in dog years.”
And don’t tell me you’ve never heard someone say that, tons of fucking people say that. It’s dumb as hell!
Listen, there’s no such thing as a human year. A year is how long it takes the motherfucking Earth to go around the motherfucking Sun.
Nothing more, nothing less.
AND EVERY SINGLE THING ON THE EARTH AGES 1 “YEAR” FOR EVERY COMPLETE ORBIT IT REMAINS ALIVE.
So, dog years…. Are retarded! There’s nothing wrong with saying “Fuckface is getting old- he’s 14.” We all know dogs have a short lifespan compared to ours.
By the way, that’s 98 in dog years. And I know of many, many dogs that easily make it to 14. So, what we’re really saying is, dogs have a longer life expectancy than we have, EVEN THOUGH WE LIVE SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER.
This kinda makes sense if you look so deep into the numbers and ratios that you’re never going to find your way out again.
In other words, who the fuck cares?
You know what else is horseshit?
No other animals get that kind of publicity with age.
I have no idea how long a cat year is, or a rabbit year, or a snake year.
And giant turtle years are going to be longer than ours! But we’ll never figure out how to say that.
If you still don’t believe me, then let me spell it out for you further.
Robin Williams starred in a movie called Jack, about a boy named Phillip (no, he was actually named Jack) who aged 4 times faster than everyone else.
So when he’s 10 years old, he looks 40. To complicate things, Jack unfortunately has aged into the hairiest man on Earth. Bad luck.
Now, imagine that we are standing next to Jack’s deathbed, as he prepares for the great beyond at the ripe old age of 14.
THE SINGLE MOST INSULTING, MOST DEPRESSING, WORST THING HE COULD HEAR BEFORE HE DIES, WOULD BE:
“Well, Jack, I mean this is 56 or so in regular years. That’s not too shabby.”
SO IN CONCLUSION, if you would feel like an asshole for saying that to Jack as he lies dying, then on principle you should stop fucking using dog years for so-called man’s best friend.
Dog years. Are you fucking kidding me?
Not even close to awesome.
With the laser tag idea, we could even keep all the shelves and items up! That’d be sweet.
AWESOME: PostSecret
I only recently came across PostSecret, which is exactly what it sounds like…. But it goes a bit deeper.
Described as “an ongoing community art project”, anyone can mail in their secrets (duh!) to the PS headquarters using one side of a postcard. Typically the secrets are one brief sentence long, but you never realize how much you can say with just one sentence until you’ve seen some of these.
The secrets you can see on the website vary from funny to disturbing, everyday to extraordinary, romantic to psychotic. And I am fucking addicted.
Universities, towns, just about any large collection of people can have their own postsecret kind of mural set up on a wall, where people can anonymously share the darkest parts of their lives. How can you not be fascinated by this?
It’s kind of the music video for Seether’s “Fine Again”, but totally more crushing and uplifting at the same time.
I know this is a short entry, but really there’s nothing else to say about it without getting incredibly specific- and these aren’t my secrets, they’re someone else’s. Take a look when you can get a chance. You won’t be disappointed.
NOT AWESOME: Dog Years
How come dogs get their own special interval, the dog year?
First of all, I would be okay with this if it was a measure of distance like the light year (i.e. how much ground a dog can cover in a full year).
But it’s actually, or so I’m told, about 1/7 a year. Is that human years? I don’t fucking know.
Basically, what they mean to say is dogs age 7 times faster than human, and we have an insanely stupid way to say this. It’s not “Spot is 3 years old”, it’s “Spot is 21 in dog years.”
And don’t tell me you’ve never heard someone say that, tons of fucking people say that. It’s dumb as hell!
Listen, there’s no such thing as a human year. A year is how long it takes the motherfucking Earth to go around the motherfucking Sun.
Nothing more, nothing less.
AND EVERY SINGLE THING ON THE EARTH AGES 1 “YEAR” FOR EVERY COMPLETE ORBIT IT REMAINS ALIVE.
So, dog years…. Are retarded! There’s nothing wrong with saying “Fuckface is getting old- he’s 14.” We all know dogs have a short lifespan compared to ours.
By the way, that’s 98 in dog years. And I know of many, many dogs that easily make it to 14. So, what we’re really saying is, dogs have a longer life expectancy than we have, EVEN THOUGH WE LIVE SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER.
This kinda makes sense if you look so deep into the numbers and ratios that you’re never going to find your way out again.
In other words, who the fuck cares?
You know what else is horseshit?
No other animals get that kind of publicity with age.
I have no idea how long a cat year is, or a rabbit year, or a snake year.
And giant turtle years are going to be longer than ours! But we’ll never figure out how to say that.
If you still don’t believe me, then let me spell it out for you further.
Robin Williams starred in a movie called Jack, about a boy named Phillip (no, he was actually named Jack) who aged 4 times faster than everyone else.
So when he’s 10 years old, he looks 40. To complicate things, Jack unfortunately has aged into the hairiest man on Earth. Bad luck.
Now, imagine that we are standing next to Jack’s deathbed, as he prepares for the great beyond at the ripe old age of 14.
THE SINGLE MOST INSULTING, MOST DEPRESSING, WORST THING HE COULD HEAR BEFORE HE DIES, WOULD BE:
“Well, Jack, I mean this is 56 or so in regular years. That’s not too shabby.”
SO IN CONCLUSION, if you would feel like an asshole for saying that to Jack as he lies dying, then on principle you should stop fucking using dog years for so-called man’s best friend.
Dog years. Are you fucking kidding me?
Not even close to awesome.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-13-10)
I was driving home today and the Spice Girls came on.
I was flabbergasted. Do you know how many significantly better bands from the 90s I never hear on the radio? But the Spice Girls come on.
So, of course, I listened. And it got me thinking-
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”
Odd request for someone who’s interested in me, but sure, I’ll do all your friends and then we can do it after. If that’s what it’s gonna take, then Goddamn it I’ll do it. We all have crosses to bear.
AWESOME: Rollercoaster Tycoon
I know shitloads of people who played this game- and a shitload more people who still do. Fact is, rollercoasters kick ass!
So, what do you think RCT is all about? It’s basically SIM city (not the Sims, fuck that game) except that you’re making amusement parks from scratch.
From those of you who recall my awesome about amusement park accidents and might be wondering what sort of hellish casket coasters I’m forcing the good fictional people of …. RCT computergameland to ride, don’t worry.
I typically like to kill my employees more than the guests. Particularly the people in Tigger-like suits, via drowning.
I had a troubled childhood.
But anyways, the object of the game is to build successful, not fatal rides in a successful lawsuit-free park. You’re given various landscapes, money, and rides at the start of each scenario, and then some goal to strive for (x many guests, approval rating of x, park worth x- there’s a lot of x’s in this game!).
This game is addicting as hell- I swear it takes like 90 minutes to play a “year” in the game… but you never know it because each day is like 30 seconds. You can develop new rides every 4 weeks (or 15 minutes or something) and with so little time between the next best thing, I’m always saying “alright, next one is the last one.”
I don’t know why there’s such a deep satisfaction in making a good park. When you boil it all down, you’re doing the same shit over and over again.
Not like the Madden games.
Hm.
Well, not like online first person shooters.
…..No?
It’s definitely not like the Mario games. I mean, in 64 you collected 120 stars and in Sunshine you collect 120 sprites. Totally fucking different.
No matter what, check out RCT. You can probably find it for ten bucks and you only need windows 95 or 98 to play it! Now THAT'S awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Neighborhood Car Talkers
Sorry there’s not really an official term for this. Let me describe it for you….
I’m driving my car in Suburbia, U.S.A. Being a young person with a car, I drive like a maniac putting my own life in peril amongst quiet streets with children playing just a few feet from my speeding car, which will certainly leave no survivors if I happen to hit a group of them.
“Get outta the way fuckers! I got shit to do!”
Anyway, you’re swerving around the road, just barely missing kids, when you have to come to a complete stop, just because SOME asshole in a fucking Explorer has to stop and talk to his neighbor who’s standing on the side of the road.
You can’t squeeze around them- the car is dead center in the road.
So you just gotta wait for the conversation to end. Which should be soon. Right?
Oops. I forgot, I live in Suburbia, U.S.A. where every good neighborly person spends at least 45 minutes a day bullshitting with every other good neighborly person.
So, might as well shut the car off.
Save gas.
Take a nap.
Wait it out….
I wake up 20 minutes later when I realize that my head has been lying on the horn this whole time- clearly not a neighborly thing to do.
But, these people being better than I, go “Oh we better let him pass! Looks like he’s in a hurry!”
And then you drive by, and they both look at you like what the fuck man we were having a conversation except they don’t say what the fuck they do that weird make eye contact with you and subtly smile but I actually think you’re an asshole look.
I fucking hate that look.
So, yeah, I’m the asshole for wanting to use the road for driving, not for a social forum.
I’m not the asshole, you guys are!
I mean, if I was the asshole, I woulda hit some of those kids!
Go fuck yourselves! And then one of you get in the car and the other stand next to it and you can both bitch about it.
Dicks.
I was flabbergasted. Do you know how many significantly better bands from the 90s I never hear on the radio? But the Spice Girls come on.
So, of course, I listened. And it got me thinking-
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”
Odd request for someone who’s interested in me, but sure, I’ll do all your friends and then we can do it after. If that’s what it’s gonna take, then Goddamn it I’ll do it. We all have crosses to bear.
AWESOME: Rollercoaster Tycoon
I know shitloads of people who played this game- and a shitload more people who still do. Fact is, rollercoasters kick ass!
So, what do you think RCT is all about? It’s basically SIM city (not the Sims, fuck that game) except that you’re making amusement parks from scratch.
From those of you who recall my awesome about amusement park accidents and might be wondering what sort of hellish casket coasters I’m forcing the good fictional people of …. RCT computergameland to ride, don’t worry.
I typically like to kill my employees more than the guests. Particularly the people in Tigger-like suits, via drowning.
I had a troubled childhood.
But anyways, the object of the game is to build successful, not fatal rides in a successful lawsuit-free park. You’re given various landscapes, money, and rides at the start of each scenario, and then some goal to strive for (x many guests, approval rating of x, park worth x- there’s a lot of x’s in this game!).
This game is addicting as hell- I swear it takes like 90 minutes to play a “year” in the game… but you never know it because each day is like 30 seconds. You can develop new rides every 4 weeks (or 15 minutes or something) and with so little time between the next best thing, I’m always saying “alright, next one is the last one.”
I don’t know why there’s such a deep satisfaction in making a good park. When you boil it all down, you’re doing the same shit over and over again.
Not like the Madden games.
Hm.
Well, not like online first person shooters.
…..No?
It’s definitely not like the Mario games. I mean, in 64 you collected 120 stars and in Sunshine you collect 120 sprites. Totally fucking different.
No matter what, check out RCT. You can probably find it for ten bucks and you only need windows 95 or 98 to play it! Now THAT'S awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Neighborhood Car Talkers
Sorry there’s not really an official term for this. Let me describe it for you….
I’m driving my car in Suburbia, U.S.A. Being a young person with a car, I drive like a maniac putting my own life in peril amongst quiet streets with children playing just a few feet from my speeding car, which will certainly leave no survivors if I happen to hit a group of them.
“Get outta the way fuckers! I got shit to do!”
Anyway, you’re swerving around the road, just barely missing kids, when you have to come to a complete stop, just because SOME asshole in a fucking Explorer has to stop and talk to his neighbor who’s standing on the side of the road.
You can’t squeeze around them- the car is dead center in the road.
So you just gotta wait for the conversation to end. Which should be soon. Right?
Oops. I forgot, I live in Suburbia, U.S.A. where every good neighborly person spends at least 45 minutes a day bullshitting with every other good neighborly person.
So, might as well shut the car off.
Save gas.
Take a nap.
Wait it out….
I wake up 20 minutes later when I realize that my head has been lying on the horn this whole time- clearly not a neighborly thing to do.
But, these people being better than I, go “Oh we better let him pass! Looks like he’s in a hurry!”
And then you drive by, and they both look at you like what the fuck man we were having a conversation except they don’t say what the fuck they do that weird make eye contact with you and subtly smile but I actually think you’re an asshole look.
I fucking hate that look.
So, yeah, I’m the asshole for wanting to use the road for driving, not for a social forum.
I’m not the asshole, you guys are!
I mean, if I was the asshole, I woulda hit some of those kids!
Go fuck yourselves! And then one of you get in the car and the other stand next to it and you can both bitch about it.
Dicks.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-12-10)
If an Ewok and a Wookie have a child… is it human sized?
AWESOME: Posterboards
I fucking love poster boards.
The list of reasons they are awesome is seemingly endless:
1) They’re cheap. Like $1 for the most basic white piece of shit up to $10 for the best most awesome sturdy ass cardboard. But you can find one to match any fucking situation- and it’s never going to break your wallet.
2) They come in all sorts of colors. Like literally every color on the pallet. (Haha, get it?) Neon green, orange, black, red, yellow, you name it they probably have it. So when you’re at the science fair and everybody shows up with their boring white, you can show up with a blazing red that screams “MY SCIENCE PROJECT KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOURS.”
3) You can put absolutely anything on a poster board and it will automatically look a million times more legitimate. And I mean anything.
“Study proves Jumanji best Robin Williams movie ever”
Throw a few made-up charts on there and you’ve got yourself a kickass presentation.
Other examples: “Undershirts make men sexier”
“Beeker is a racist and I can prove it.”
“John 3:16”
Alright- maybe we found a counterexample. In my opinion, Bible quotes and shit like that actually seem LESS plausible/legitimate the more they appear on poster boards.
Why the hell is that?
The Bible is the bestselling book of all-time (I think) and there’s at least a billion people who claim to be Christian. So why is it when Christians and non-Christians alike see some dude with a religious poster board, we all assume he’s nuts?
I think that’s for a different post.
Anyway, I could go on with reasons why poster boards are the shit, but I’m going to leave you with this: the most awesome poster board I ever had a hand in making.
When I was in high school, I did track off and on. The last year I didn’t do it, my friend of mine and I decided to make inspiring or supportive poster boards for our friends on the team.
Besides the usual shit- like “Win the race!” and below it a picture of Batman making out with Robin- we, for no reason, made a poster board of the hammer and sickle.
Yellow construction paper on a red poster board. It looked fucking sweet. And when our team raced by, or launched that javelin, or whatever, we stood on the sidelines- proudly implying that they were Communists!
God bless America! And God bless poster boards!
NOT AWESOME: Fans
I’m not talking fanatics. I’m talking your good ol’ regular fan that supposed to make you cooler when that nasty summer heat hits.
Or, if it’s 2010, anytime between May and August, with no break-up in the heat for one Goddamn minute.
Now, important to note here: I do not have an air conditioner. … Anywhere.
So, next best thing. Fans! Yeah, it’s like a cool breeze hitting you constantly!
Except for the part about getting cooler!
I mean, FUCK, I had four fans going in my house (in various rooms) for several hours AND NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THOSE ROOMS GOT ANY COOLER AT ANY POINT.
What a cocktease!
If your fans don’t make you cooler, then what the fuck are the good for?
Why do we have them?
I think I’ve come up with an answer. It’s all freaking psychological.
We all know fans don’t do jack. But we hear the sound of those blades turning, and the occasional half a second of relief from the heat, and we convince ourselves that they work. It’s like a defense mechanism or something.
Like, we only use the fans, even if they provide nothing to us, because it’s better than sitting in the sweltering heat…. In silence.
I’m serious. I think it’s the sound. It’s so comforting, kind of like when you’re in a car with someone you don’t really know and that song comes on that you fucking hate (probably “Party in the U.S.A.” ) but you leave it on anyway just because it fills the void left by your inability to carry on a meaningful conversation with that weird guy who you decided to help out even though he lives only like two blocks away.
That two block drive in silence is infinitely shittier than the same two block drive with Miley Cyrus in the background.
This may be the only time that Miley Cyrus is preferred over silence. But you get the picture.
We use fans because we don’t want to admit that we’re powerless against summer.
Or that we can’t afford a fucking air conditioner.
Not awesome...
AWESOME: Posterboards
I fucking love poster boards.
The list of reasons they are awesome is seemingly endless:
1) They’re cheap. Like $1 for the most basic white piece of shit up to $10 for the best most awesome sturdy ass cardboard. But you can find one to match any fucking situation- and it’s never going to break your wallet.
2) They come in all sorts of colors. Like literally every color on the pallet. (Haha, get it?) Neon green, orange, black, red, yellow, you name it they probably have it. So when you’re at the science fair and everybody shows up with their boring white, you can show up with a blazing red that screams “MY SCIENCE PROJECT KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOURS.”
3) You can put absolutely anything on a poster board and it will automatically look a million times more legitimate. And I mean anything.
“Study proves Jumanji best Robin Williams movie ever”
Throw a few made-up charts on there and you’ve got yourself a kickass presentation.
Other examples: “Undershirts make men sexier”
“Beeker is a racist and I can prove it.”
“John 3:16”
Alright- maybe we found a counterexample. In my opinion, Bible quotes and shit like that actually seem LESS plausible/legitimate the more they appear on poster boards.
Why the hell is that?
The Bible is the bestselling book of all-time (I think) and there’s at least a billion people who claim to be Christian. So why is it when Christians and non-Christians alike see some dude with a religious poster board, we all assume he’s nuts?
I think that’s for a different post.
Anyway, I could go on with reasons why poster boards are the shit, but I’m going to leave you with this: the most awesome poster board I ever had a hand in making.
When I was in high school, I did track off and on. The last year I didn’t do it, my friend of mine and I decided to make inspiring or supportive poster boards for our friends on the team.
Besides the usual shit- like “Win the race!” and below it a picture of Batman making out with Robin- we, for no reason, made a poster board of the hammer and sickle.
Yellow construction paper on a red poster board. It looked fucking sweet. And when our team raced by, or launched that javelin, or whatever, we stood on the sidelines- proudly implying that they were Communists!
God bless America! And God bless poster boards!
NOT AWESOME: Fans
I’m not talking fanatics. I’m talking your good ol’ regular fan that supposed to make you cooler when that nasty summer heat hits.
Or, if it’s 2010, anytime between May and August, with no break-up in the heat for one Goddamn minute.
Now, important to note here: I do not have an air conditioner. … Anywhere.
So, next best thing. Fans! Yeah, it’s like a cool breeze hitting you constantly!
Except for the part about getting cooler!
I mean, FUCK, I had four fans going in my house (in various rooms) for several hours AND NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THOSE ROOMS GOT ANY COOLER AT ANY POINT.
What a cocktease!
If your fans don’t make you cooler, then what the fuck are the good for?
Why do we have them?
I think I’ve come up with an answer. It’s all freaking psychological.
We all know fans don’t do jack. But we hear the sound of those blades turning, and the occasional half a second of relief from the heat, and we convince ourselves that they work. It’s like a defense mechanism or something.
Like, we only use the fans, even if they provide nothing to us, because it’s better than sitting in the sweltering heat…. In silence.
I’m serious. I think it’s the sound. It’s so comforting, kind of like when you’re in a car with someone you don’t really know and that song comes on that you fucking hate (probably “Party in the U.S.A.” ) but you leave it on anyway just because it fills the void left by your inability to carry on a meaningful conversation with that weird guy who you decided to help out even though he lives only like two blocks away.
That two block drive in silence is infinitely shittier than the same two block drive with Miley Cyrus in the background.
This may be the only time that Miley Cyrus is preferred over silence. But you get the picture.
We use fans because we don’t want to admit that we’re powerless against summer.
Or that we can’t afford a fucking air conditioner.
Not awesome...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-11-10)
Did you guys know that Daphne actually owns the Mystery Machine? The Scooby-Doo Gang/Business is owned by Daphne. Fucking weird. I always thought it was Fred, I mean, he’s always driving the damn thing.
AWESOME: Telephones from the Jetsons
These are awesome for one main reason- they don’t exist yet, at least not for mass consumption or outside of webcams.
Now, maybe some of you remember past awesome/not awesome’s where all I do is bitch and moan about scientists failing to deliver inventions or other technology that people in the past said we’ve had by now.
(Hover Board- you better be on the market by 2015)
But this time, it’s different. I don’t want to see this shit, ever.
Why?
Because then people will realize how uninterested I am in whatever they’re saying when I’m on the phone with them.
Now, in case you’ve never seen the Jetsons, their telephones are kind of like a combination between the telephone and television. Like Skype.
Alright, fair enough. That’s not THAT dangerous. I mean, when I Skype (can I use that as a verb?) with someone, I’m kind enough not to be doing a bunch of other shit at the same time.
Like writing for a shitty unknown blog!
See, I can do that when I’m just on the regular phone! You can do all sorts of things on the phone with someone else. I have friends that catch up with the relatives via phone- ONLY WHEN THEY’RE ON THE TOILET.
God bless America!
Now, imagine if when your friend calls you up while he’s taking a shit to talk- AND YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
In the Jetsons, there’s no normal phones. ALL of them are of the TV design.
Uhh…. Ew.
Now it’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t do whatever the hell I want, but, if I do, you have to see me do it.
Unless you know, you’re into watching people shit. Then it’s a lose-win. Or something.
In any case, I’ll take the flying cars and moving walkways, but TV-phones? No thanks.
Stay out of existence- and be awesome!
NOT AWESOME: People who have “serious” arguments via youtube comments
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. Everybody.
There’s always one prick out there that has to take a relatively harmless video, be it a music video, a trailer, a homemade movie, anything- and look way too deeply into it.
For example, there are videos out there of every type of nationality being portrayed as stupid, followed by the hundred or so people that must argue that a) the nationality in question is not stupid since only a few people were in the video or b) the nationality in question is stupid- since everybody acts like the few people in the video!
Fact of the matter is EVERYBODY'S STUPID.
I’ve also seen videos out there that have NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD have drawn out “intelligent” conversations arguing whether there is a God or not.
However, by far the most common argument you’ll find on youtube has to do about tastes in music, or eras in music.
Comments you’ll find range from: “Metallica sucks” to “it sux that stupid shit like Justin Bieber are popular what the fuck where’d good music go” to “goth people are gay” to “Metallica is gay”.
Here’s my problem with this: NOTHING CAN EVER BE PROVEN VIA YOUTUBE COMMENT.
These are just facts of life people:
1) Every generation says the music from their childhood/adolescence is the best. For example, I grew up in the 90s. Therefore, 90s music is best.
And that’s a fact. 90s music is the best.
2) There always exists one guy who HATES the music video/band that must comment on the video just to piss off those who do like them. For example, I don’t really like Green Day from about 2003 onward. So, what I do, is CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN THEM. I don’t go their page for their new single, and type “NEW GREEN DAY IS GARBAGE” on it. That’s just fucking stupid!
3) There always exists a strong group of people who hate current popular music. We call this group of people “Anyone who is not a teenage girl”.
So, in conclusion….. there are always going to be haters of whatever you like. But as we all know only some of them are right.
Like me.
Long live the 90s! They’re awesome!
AWESOME: Telephones from the Jetsons
These are awesome for one main reason- they don’t exist yet, at least not for mass consumption or outside of webcams.
Now, maybe some of you remember past awesome/not awesome’s where all I do is bitch and moan about scientists failing to deliver inventions or other technology that people in the past said we’ve had by now.
(Hover Board- you better be on the market by 2015)
But this time, it’s different. I don’t want to see this shit, ever.
Why?
Because then people will realize how uninterested I am in whatever they’re saying when I’m on the phone with them.
Now, in case you’ve never seen the Jetsons, their telephones are kind of like a combination between the telephone and television. Like Skype.
Alright, fair enough. That’s not THAT dangerous. I mean, when I Skype (can I use that as a verb?) with someone, I’m kind enough not to be doing a bunch of other shit at the same time.
Like writing for a shitty unknown blog!
See, I can do that when I’m just on the regular phone! You can do all sorts of things on the phone with someone else. I have friends that catch up with the relatives via phone- ONLY WHEN THEY’RE ON THE TOILET.
God bless America!
Now, imagine if when your friend calls you up while he’s taking a shit to talk- AND YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
In the Jetsons, there’s no normal phones. ALL of them are of the TV design.
Uhh…. Ew.
Now it’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t do whatever the hell I want, but, if I do, you have to see me do it.
Unless you know, you’re into watching people shit. Then it’s a lose-win. Or something.
In any case, I’ll take the flying cars and moving walkways, but TV-phones? No thanks.
Stay out of existence- and be awesome!
NOT AWESOME: People who have “serious” arguments via youtube comments
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. Everybody.
There’s always one prick out there that has to take a relatively harmless video, be it a music video, a trailer, a homemade movie, anything- and look way too deeply into it.
For example, there are videos out there of every type of nationality being portrayed as stupid, followed by the hundred or so people that must argue that a) the nationality in question is not stupid since only a few people were in the video or b) the nationality in question is stupid- since everybody acts like the few people in the video!
Fact of the matter is EVERYBODY'S STUPID.
I’ve also seen videos out there that have NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD have drawn out “intelligent” conversations arguing whether there is a God or not.
However, by far the most common argument you’ll find on youtube has to do about tastes in music, or eras in music.
Comments you’ll find range from: “Metallica sucks” to “it sux that stupid shit like Justin Bieber are popular what the fuck where’d good music go” to “goth people are gay” to “Metallica is gay”.
Here’s my problem with this: NOTHING CAN EVER BE PROVEN VIA YOUTUBE COMMENT.
These are just facts of life people:
1) Every generation says the music from their childhood/adolescence is the best. For example, I grew up in the 90s. Therefore, 90s music is best.
And that’s a fact. 90s music is the best.
2) There always exists one guy who HATES the music video/band that must comment on the video just to piss off those who do like them. For example, I don’t really like Green Day from about 2003 onward. So, what I do, is CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN THEM. I don’t go their page for their new single, and type “NEW GREEN DAY IS GARBAGE” on it. That’s just fucking stupid!
3) There always exists a strong group of people who hate current popular music. We call this group of people “Anyone who is not a teenage girl”.
So, in conclusion….. there are always going to be haters of whatever you like. But as we all know only some of them are right.
Like me.
Long live the 90s! They’re awesome!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-10-10)
Piranha 3-D? Shouldn’t this be airing on Sci-Fi? (Oh, excuse me ‘Sy-Fy’ or however they call themselves nowadays)
AWESOME: Power Walking
Don’t worry everyone. It’s not just cause it looks awesome!
In case you’re an idiot, power walking is kind of like regular walking except you overemphasize your arm movements like you’ve got a crick in your back and you’re desperately trying to get rid of it, while overemphasizing your swinging hips/ass like you’ve just discovered the modern club scene after spending a bunch of time in 70s disco’s.
In other words, you look like a complete dipshit when you power walk.
Now, if that doesn’t scream POWER I don’t know what does.
In fact, in early drafts of He-Man, Prince Adam would simply grab his sword… whatever it’s name is, and yell, “I have to POWER WALK!”
Oddly, this made the show slightly less shitty.
But I digress. Anyway, power walking kicks ass!
It’s so awesome that it should have its own commercial, which I imagine would go something like this:
“Everybody wants to look their best right? But no one wants to work for it!. Well now you can pretend to exercise with the POWER WALK!
Regular walking is easy but it can be so boring, and people may not even notice you trying to lose weight! Running on the other hand can be difficult and strenuous, and quite frankly, you don’t care nearly enough about your body to suffer for it! So get the best of both worlds by using the patented power walk!
The Power Walk gives you all the attention of the runner with all the comforts of the walker! All you have to do is sacrifice all your grace and self-respect! That’s Power Walk- walk with power (but without goals)!”
So, why is this awesome?
Easy. It takes serious balls to power walk. Who wants to admit they power walk? No one. But they do it anyway. They really don’t care what anyone else thinks- if they did, they wouldn’t power walk! And that’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “Speed Enforced By Aircraft”
You’re kidding right. Aircraft.
We have police toting around in small planes and helicopters trying to catch speeders on the interstate. As if they’re not enough cops on the road, now we gotta put them above us!
What’s next? Fucking jetpacked police?!
Out of all the things the government wastes money on (and as everyone knows, that includes PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING), this has got to be in the top ten stupidest, most unnecessary offenses.
How many speeders can you get flying over a stretch of road in an hour? Is it going to be enough to justify the cost of the fuel you’re spending FLYING over them?
I really doubt it.
I mean, c’mon, even if you could catch a shit-ton more speeders, do you really want to be that fucking guy?
People hate cops- or at least they do when they get pulled over for speeding.
So you could imagine how much it must fucking suck NOT to get pulled over doing 85 in a 60 when that ticket comes by mail three weeks later explaining that the object you thought was the local news’ traffic copter is out to get you.
You thought you could get away with it!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU DID. FUCK THIS SHIT.
How lazy do you have to be? You want my speeding ticket money, you want to reach your quota, come out here and get me you sons of bitches. That’s right- oh, boo hoo hoo, at my job I can’t just chillax in a plane until somebody fucks up, I actually have to do something!
Although you know what, I’ve actually never seen a “flying cop-ter” (ha- you get it, it’s like policeman is a cop and the “cop” in the helicopter and man I’m so creative!), so maybe this isn’t that big of a waste of money (and lack of balls) as I thought.
In which case…. Why would you put up such a stupid fucking sign with such a hilariously bad idea if you’re never going to do it anyway?
You think the sign alone is going to stop speeders? Fuck no!
Hell, even if you do use aircraft to enforce the speed limit, it’s not like they’re going to land the fucking plane on the interstate and then proceed to pull the offender over. In the end, the speeder is going to get to speed to wherever he wants and get fined later for it. It doesn’t make the roads any safer. It doesn’t do jack shit!
Alright so here’s the deal; this is my challenge to you, law enforcement pilots- catch me speeding from your lofty seats. You want me to believe in this horseshit, that you actually do monitor the roads like this, then fucking prove it. I ain’t afraid of you or your copters.
You all may enforce speed limit from aircraft, but I enforce my awesomeness right here from the road. And there ain’t shit you can do about it.
Until I receive that ticket three weeks later. Not awesome.
AWESOME: Power Walking
Don’t worry everyone. It’s not just cause it looks awesome!
In case you’re an idiot, power walking is kind of like regular walking except you overemphasize your arm movements like you’ve got a crick in your back and you’re desperately trying to get rid of it, while overemphasizing your swinging hips/ass like you’ve just discovered the modern club scene after spending a bunch of time in 70s disco’s.
In other words, you look like a complete dipshit when you power walk.
Now, if that doesn’t scream POWER I don’t know what does.
In fact, in early drafts of He-Man, Prince Adam would simply grab his sword… whatever it’s name is, and yell, “I have to POWER WALK!”
Oddly, this made the show slightly less shitty.
But I digress. Anyway, power walking kicks ass!
It’s so awesome that it should have its own commercial, which I imagine would go something like this:
“Everybody wants to look their best right? But no one wants to work for it!. Well now you can pretend to exercise with the POWER WALK!
Regular walking is easy but it can be so boring, and people may not even notice you trying to lose weight! Running on the other hand can be difficult and strenuous, and quite frankly, you don’t care nearly enough about your body to suffer for it! So get the best of both worlds by using the patented power walk!
The Power Walk gives you all the attention of the runner with all the comforts of the walker! All you have to do is sacrifice all your grace and self-respect! That’s Power Walk- walk with power (but without goals)!”
So, why is this awesome?
Easy. It takes serious balls to power walk. Who wants to admit they power walk? No one. But they do it anyway. They really don’t care what anyone else thinks- if they did, they wouldn’t power walk! And that’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “Speed Enforced By Aircraft”
You’re kidding right. Aircraft.
We have police toting around in small planes and helicopters trying to catch speeders on the interstate. As if they’re not enough cops on the road, now we gotta put them above us!
What’s next? Fucking jetpacked police?!
Out of all the things the government wastes money on (and as everyone knows, that includes PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING), this has got to be in the top ten stupidest, most unnecessary offenses.
How many speeders can you get flying over a stretch of road in an hour? Is it going to be enough to justify the cost of the fuel you’re spending FLYING over them?
I really doubt it.
I mean, c’mon, even if you could catch a shit-ton more speeders, do you really want to be that fucking guy?
People hate cops- or at least they do when they get pulled over for speeding.
So you could imagine how much it must fucking suck NOT to get pulled over doing 85 in a 60 when that ticket comes by mail three weeks later explaining that the object you thought was the local news’ traffic copter is out to get you.
You thought you could get away with it!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU DID. FUCK THIS SHIT.
How lazy do you have to be? You want my speeding ticket money, you want to reach your quota, come out here and get me you sons of bitches. That’s right- oh, boo hoo hoo, at my job I can’t just chillax in a plane until somebody fucks up, I actually have to do something!
Although you know what, I’ve actually never seen a “flying cop-ter” (ha- you get it, it’s like policeman is a cop and the “cop” in the helicopter and man I’m so creative!), so maybe this isn’t that big of a waste of money (and lack of balls) as I thought.
In which case…. Why would you put up such a stupid fucking sign with such a hilariously bad idea if you’re never going to do it anyway?
You think the sign alone is going to stop speeders? Fuck no!
Hell, even if you do use aircraft to enforce the speed limit, it’s not like they’re going to land the fucking plane on the interstate and then proceed to pull the offender over. In the end, the speeder is going to get to speed to wherever he wants and get fined later for it. It doesn’t make the roads any safer. It doesn’t do jack shit!
Alright so here’s the deal; this is my challenge to you, law enforcement pilots- catch me speeding from your lofty seats. You want me to believe in this horseshit, that you actually do monitor the roads like this, then fucking prove it. I ain’t afraid of you or your copters.
You all may enforce speed limit from aircraft, but I enforce my awesomeness right here from the road. And there ain’t shit you can do about it.
Until I receive that ticket three weeks later. Not awesome.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-9-10)
I think that “hippo” is the most dangerous of all the silly-named animals. Just saying.
AWESOME: Prometheus and Bob
Nickelodeon of my youth, oh where have you gone?
There used to be a show called Kablam! (I believe the exclamation point was a part of the name. Does that mean there should be a period after that? Because I’m not too excited about saying that. It’s a statement. Maybe quotes will help?)
There used to be a show called “Kablam!”. (That looks awful. Oh well. Deal.)
And on this show, they had various segments/sketches, some of which were good and some of which sucked ass.
This was, in mine most humble opinion, their crowning glory: PROMETHEUS AND BOB.
It was a series of claymation videos depicting an alien, nicknamed Prometheus after the Greek god that supplied fire (see: knowledge) to mankind, trying to educate a caveman, nicknamed Bob after ….. Bob is a funny name for a caveman, about various topics like plumbing, boxing, farming, etc.
Important to note was that none of the videos depicted Prometheus OR Bob trying to get car insurance from Geico.
But of course, no matter what the topic, prehistoric monkeys would come and distract Bob or otherwise fuck things up, and Bob never learned how to do anything right, often hurting himself or others in the process.
SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT. But so good. Seriously, these still make me laugh uncontrollably.
Prometheus speaks English, but it sounds like he’s using Autotune before they perfected it. Some words are understandable, but most of the time it’s random electronic sounding noises. This is in sharp contrast to Bob, whose only spoken word appears to be “Hey!”. (There is it again, an exclamation point followed by a period. Is that right? Are there any grammar fanatics reading this?)
This is, of course, hilarious.
One of these days at work I’m only going to communicate with “Hey” and see how far that gets me. It can’t be as bad as the day I pretty much only communicated with noises from Banjo-Kazooie characters.
“See this, starckie, we’re going to clean up this bathroom.”
“Hey!”
“Hey. Now grab some Liquid Plumbr and a sponge.”
“Hey! Hey. Hey!”
“HEY! Go get that shit, will ya.”
(Pointing to the hall) “Hey!”
And right about there is the gunshot that ends my life.
So, anyway Prometheus and Bob is kinda like the Three Stooges, except that it has even less of a point. It’s so fucking good in ways I can’t even describe. I know it’s on Youtube. Give it a shot, cause it’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Crosswords
You know, every day I think, maybe this is the one.
The one time that I’m actually going to complete the fucking crossword in the newspaper.
But nooooooo!
They always have to throw some shit in there about famous British composers of the 1930s! You win this round, crosswords….
It’s by far the hardest activity in the newspaper, which is why it’s that much more frustrating WHEN I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.
Sudoku? Eh… basically it’s the same shit over and over again. I mean, I like Sudoku, but unless it’s 4 or 5 stars, you don’t really get that satisfaction of completing it.
Jumble? Slightly more variation, but still. Same shit. Although there’s more satisfaction in completing it on a day to day basis.
Cryptoquote?
Actually I fucking love the cryptoquote. Nobody talks shit about the cryptoquote.
But the crossword? A variety of clues designed to induce answers that artistically fill in spaces in a grid!
Sexy!
But unfortunately, I can’t do it. I just can’t.
I SWEAR THEY PUT IN ONE OR TWO CLUES A DAY THAT I HAVE NOT A FLYING FUCK OF A CHANCE TO GET.
They keep me trying, they taunt me, those teases.
Thank God it’s free!
Except for the whole cost of the newspaper thing.
Hmmm.
In that case.
DAMN YOU CROSSWORDS! HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE I WASTED ON YOU!!!!
Maybe I’m just not cut out for the crosswords.
Maybe I just don’t have the mental capacities to fill in little squares with letters in the hopes that they’ll look really cool when it’s done.
Maybe I should accept the fact that my inability to do this every day challenge is a sign that we are all diverse human beings with talents that vary just as much as our likes and dislikes, and I unfortunately did not land the crosswords gene.
Maybe I’ll just accept that I have limitations.
Cheah, and maybe if I try really really hard I can forget that Star Wars Episode 1 ever occurred.
Yeah fucking right!
I can do the crosswords!
Stop laughing!
I can! I’ll show you!
Newspaper crosswords . . . One day, I shall kill you.
That will be awesome . . . .
AWESOME: Prometheus and Bob
Nickelodeon of my youth, oh where have you gone?
There used to be a show called Kablam! (I believe the exclamation point was a part of the name. Does that mean there should be a period after that? Because I’m not too excited about saying that. It’s a statement. Maybe quotes will help?)
There used to be a show called “Kablam!”. (That looks awful. Oh well. Deal.)
And on this show, they had various segments/sketches, some of which were good and some of which sucked ass.
This was, in mine most humble opinion, their crowning glory: PROMETHEUS AND BOB.
It was a series of claymation videos depicting an alien, nicknamed Prometheus after the Greek god that supplied fire (see: knowledge) to mankind, trying to educate a caveman, nicknamed Bob after ….. Bob is a funny name for a caveman, about various topics like plumbing, boxing, farming, etc.
Important to note was that none of the videos depicted Prometheus OR Bob trying to get car insurance from Geico.
But of course, no matter what the topic, prehistoric monkeys would come and distract Bob or otherwise fuck things up, and Bob never learned how to do anything right, often hurting himself or others in the process.
SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT. But so good. Seriously, these still make me laugh uncontrollably.
Prometheus speaks English, but it sounds like he’s using Autotune before they perfected it. Some words are understandable, but most of the time it’s random electronic sounding noises. This is in sharp contrast to Bob, whose only spoken word appears to be “Hey!”. (There is it again, an exclamation point followed by a period. Is that right? Are there any grammar fanatics reading this?)
This is, of course, hilarious.
One of these days at work I’m only going to communicate with “Hey” and see how far that gets me. It can’t be as bad as the day I pretty much only communicated with noises from Banjo-Kazooie characters.
“See this, starckie, we’re going to clean up this bathroom.”
“Hey!”
“Hey. Now grab some Liquid Plumbr and a sponge.”
“Hey! Hey. Hey!”
“HEY! Go get that shit, will ya.”
(Pointing to the hall) “Hey!”
And right about there is the gunshot that ends my life.
So, anyway Prometheus and Bob is kinda like the Three Stooges, except that it has even less of a point. It’s so fucking good in ways I can’t even describe. I know it’s on Youtube. Give it a shot, cause it’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Crosswords
You know, every day I think, maybe this is the one.
The one time that I’m actually going to complete the fucking crossword in the newspaper.
But nooooooo!
They always have to throw some shit in there about famous British composers of the 1930s! You win this round, crosswords….
It’s by far the hardest activity in the newspaper, which is why it’s that much more frustrating WHEN I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.
Sudoku? Eh… basically it’s the same shit over and over again. I mean, I like Sudoku, but unless it’s 4 or 5 stars, you don’t really get that satisfaction of completing it.
Jumble? Slightly more variation, but still. Same shit. Although there’s more satisfaction in completing it on a day to day basis.
Cryptoquote?
Actually I fucking love the cryptoquote. Nobody talks shit about the cryptoquote.
But the crossword? A variety of clues designed to induce answers that artistically fill in spaces in a grid!
Sexy!
But unfortunately, I can’t do it. I just can’t.
I SWEAR THEY PUT IN ONE OR TWO CLUES A DAY THAT I HAVE NOT A FLYING FUCK OF A CHANCE TO GET.
They keep me trying, they taunt me, those teases.
Thank God it’s free!
Except for the whole cost of the newspaper thing.
Hmmm.
In that case.
DAMN YOU CROSSWORDS! HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE I WASTED ON YOU!!!!
Maybe I’m just not cut out for the crosswords.
Maybe I just don’t have the mental capacities to fill in little squares with letters in the hopes that they’ll look really cool when it’s done.
Maybe I should accept the fact that my inability to do this every day challenge is a sign that we are all diverse human beings with talents that vary just as much as our likes and dislikes, and I unfortunately did not land the crosswords gene.
Maybe I’ll just accept that I have limitations.
Cheah, and maybe if I try really really hard I can forget that Star Wars Episode 1 ever occurred.
Yeah fucking right!
I can do the crosswords!
Stop laughing!
I can! I’ll show you!
Newspaper crosswords . . . One day, I shall kill you.
That will be awesome . . . .
Friday, August 6, 2010
Top Ten Most Awesome Cover Songs
I recommend that you listen to ALL the songs on this list- just so you know where I’m coming from.
Now, before we get started, let me make the rules clear.
The popularity of the original or the cover does not affect the list.
The list is mostly determined by how much I like the songs. Once I got my ten songs down, they were insanely hard to order, and if I had to do it again, it would probably be different.
I love cover songs, and really- if you think I fucked up or had a “how could you leave that out?” problem, let me know. I’m open when it comes to shit like this.
Cause covers? They’re awesome.
10) “Take on Me” (a-ha) [Reel Big Fish]
I have always been a fan of a-ha, the Norwegian trio most known here in the United States for their 1985 #1 hit “Take on Me” (and its music video which was one of the most memorable of all time). Reel Big Fish tried their hand at the song in 1999 for Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s film BASEketball. Their most recognizable aspects of the cover are the substitution of the synthesizer for Reel Big Fish’s ska horn section, and RBF frontman Aaron Barrett’s inability to sing as high as a-ha’s Morten Harket. It is easily recognizable as a cover of the original, although the ska energy that RBF brings to it is just plain different than the New Wave energy. Often criticized for taking the love and emotion out of a classic, RBF’s cover of a-ha’s “Take on Me” sits at #10 for two reasons: staying true enough to the original while putting their mark on it, and it’s just a fun song. Plus, I fucking love ska.
9) “I Love Rock N’ Roll” (The Arrows) [Joan Jett and the Blackhearts]
I know what you’re thinking: This was a cover? The Arrows released the original in 1975, which was met with much…indifference, and to this day, I have not heard the Arrows version in its entirety. However, you’d be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard of Joan Jett’s kickass cover, which was a #1 hit for seven straight weeks back in 1982. This song made Joan Jett- her solo career soon followed, and she had several more hit songs. However, Joan Jett will always be remembered best by her famous “original” cover with the Blackhearts.
8) “Mony Mony” (Tommy James & the Shondells) [Billy Idol]
From one kickass icon to another, Billy Idol’s “Mony Mony” is at #8. Interestingly, both were extremely popular; the original was a top ten hit back in 1968 and the cover was a #1 hit almost 20 years later in 1987. Both songs still receive considerable airplay, although it is likely Billy Idol’s version has surpassed the original in popularity, bringing the next generation as well as the punk scene into “Mony Mony”. Tommy James & the Shondells had several other top ten songs as well as two number one songs. Many of Billy Idol’s songs continue to be played today, but “Mony Mony” seems to have the farthest reach into pop culture; it has been parodied by Weird Al Yankovic as well as sampled in the popular Youtube video, “The Evolution of Dance”. At #8, the only number one single for Billy Idol, his “Mony Mony”.
7) “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” (Solomon Burke) [The Blues Brothers]
The Blues Brothers only performed covers, and entering the pop culture hall of fame like the Blues Brothers did, one of their songs had to appear in my top 10. It was really a toss-up between this and “Soul Man”, the 1967 Sam and Dave song most people would probably associate with the Blues Brothers. However, for me, this was the better cover, so here we go. Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” was a minor hit back in 1964. It should come to no surprise that Burke was a Philadelphia minister, just doing what he does best- singing about love and how it should be a part of our lives. The Blues Brothers covered it several times at concerts in the late 1970s, and the song also appeared in the Blues Brothers movie released in 1980. Jake Blues revealed his inner Burke to get the energy up, and Elwood’s insistence that we “signify our feelings with every simple caress” is something that stuck with me. Even if everyone else happens to be a “Soul Man”.
6) “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails) [Johnny Cash]
If you’re looking for a song to cry to, look no further. “Hurt” is a song of desperation and loneliness, what you’ll find when pleasure evades you at every turn. Trent Reznor’s (of NIN) “Hurt” strips down the industrial rock sound that Nine Inch Nails is known for to crush your soul in a simple melody both haunting and beautiful at the same time. Despite never being released as a single from the 1994 album The Downward Spiral, the song gained considerable popularity. But most shocking was Johnny Cash’s 2002 cover. I didn’t know that someone could take such a crushing song and make it even more crushing in a completely different way. One of the last songs commercially released before Cash’s death, it seems to be a reflection on his entire life- the music video shows clips spanning his entire career- and it makes you wonder what the legend thought of his life shortly before it ended. His trademark voice, his frail body, the imagery of the video- when you put it all together, I actually find it difficult not to cry. Reznor said of Cash’s recording that “Hurt” was no longer his song. I don’t know if I’ll go that far, as both versions are awesome, but damn. Fucking intense. Be right back. I need a tissue.
5) “With a Little Help From My Friends” (The Beatles) [Joe Cocker]
“Billy Shears” (Ringo Starr) sings the original version from the band you may have heard of from this little album they had. You know, the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, regarded by many to the best album of ALL TIME. If you haven’t heard this song, fuck you. Seriously. I don’t care if you like it, but everybody should have heard this song at least once in their life. Released in 1967, it wasn’t released as a single for the Beatles until much later, but that didn’t stop Joe Cocker from covering it at another little known musical event, something called….. let me get my notes here…. Woodstock. You’ve probably heard this version too (which went to #1 in 1968) and regained popularity in the late 80s as the theme song for “the Wonder Years”. It’s interesting to note the show’s first season took place in 1968, which I’m sure is no coincidence. Both versions of the song are musical achievements, and if you don’t know them then a) again fuck you and b) check it out.
4) “Mad World” (Tears for Fears) [Gary Jules]
Something about the depressing songs… I guess they just make for good cover songs. “Mad World” by my personal favorite band of the 1980s, Britain’s Tears for Fears, is the second track and first major hit for the band off their breakthrough album “The Hurting”. “Mad World” is sung from a teenager’s angry, confused eyes as he looks at the world around him and finds it an unappealing, scary, and chaotic place. When Gary Jules stripped down the 80s classic to a single piano in 2001, it gains the haunting effect and a whole new yet familiar depression. The song appeared in commercials for video games, and most famously was used in Donnie Darko (set in the 1980s). Coming in at #4, “Mad World” proves that 20 years later, we’re all intimidated by the world around us.
3) “Walk This Way” (Aerosmith) [Run D.M.C.]
First released in 1975, “Walk This Way” was a pretty good song at first glance. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a huge Aerosmith fan, but I do enjoy the song which tells about a boy losing his virginity. You know, original! Now, I feel like this song is kinda not really a cover, as both versions are so close, but ehhh deal with it. Fast forward to 1986 when Run D.M.C. who didn’t even know who Aerosmith was heard the song when they were freestyling over the Aerosmith album Toys in the Attic. The rest, as they say, is history, which only resulted in one of the biggest freaking deals in music history. The collaboration between Aerosmith and Run D.M.C. revitalized Aerosmith’s career which was steadily going downhill at that time, but more importantly, the song was hip-hop/rap’s first foray in the top 5, and showed people that hybrids like this could work. Liked Linkin Park and Jay-Z’s shit? Well you can thank this record. Major groups who still had many good years of music in them, “Walk This Way” was the crossroads of the century in music, and lands at #3 as a result.
2) “Twist and Shout” (The Top Notes) [The Beatles]
I bet you didn’t even fucking know this was a cover. The original 1961 recording….. kinda sucks actually. The Top Notes original recording sounds nothing like the version you’re probably thinking of right now. Honestly, the original actually sounds like nothing. There’s no real hook and it just sounds bland. A year later in 1962 the Isley Brothers covered the Top Notes' original, and it started taking the form that the Beatles would fucking own with in 1964. You’d think that would be enough for the song, which was a hit for the both the Isley Brothers and the Beatles in the 60s, but when the Beatles’ version appeared in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (a movie avid Awesome/Not Awesome readers know I fucking love) the song AGAIN took to the charts in the mid 80s. Oh, and to top it all off, another cover got the song to #1 in 1994! Damn! That’s a lot of action for one song! Too bad the original sucked ass! Cause it was a hit for everybody but the Top Notes apparently!
1) “Smooth Criminal” (Michael Jackson) [Alien Ant Farm]
Alright, so what do you get when take a kickass song from 1988 with a kickass synthesizer line about a kickass subject matter with a kickass music video with kickass vocals and cover it? Usually you get a steaming pile of shit. How the fuck are you going to top that?! I mean, c’mon the anti-gravity lean? Fucking classic. Say what you will about Michael Jackson (and I have- see 10/22/09 Not Awesome) but this song . . . Is the shit. About a girl named Annie who gets hit, or perhaps struck, by the “smooth criminal”, the song remains possibly my favorite MJ song. But 2001 rolls around, and Alien Ant Farm splashes onto the scene with a rock cover of Smooth Criminal which takes the original and somehow makes it even more fucking badass. Not everyone agrees with me here- in fact, a lot of people think AAF butchered the song, but not this guy. This cover gets me pumped the fuck up, and I’m ready to fight people like I’m listening to “Eye of the Tiger”! So Alien Ant Farm, congratulations! You have the most awesome cover song according to starckie’s wholly unknown Awesome/Not Awesome blog! I’m sure you guys will have a long and prosperous career with many more hits to come!
There you have it. I hope you enjoyed this list as much as I agonized over making it, you sadistic bastards. Here are just a few of the songs that didn’t make my cut- maybe they’ll make yours:
“Boys of Summer” (Don Henley) [The Ataris]
“Somebody’s Baby” (Jackson Brown) [Phantom Planet]
“Bizarre Love Triangle” (New Order) [Stabbing Westward]
“Come on Eileen” (Dexy’s Midnight Runners) [Save Ferris]
“Radio Ga Ga” (Queen) [Electric Six]
“Careless Whisper” (Wham!) [Seether]
There’s probably a whole fuck-ton of songs I missed that could completely change my list. But c’mon I’m only human. It’s not like I’m getting paid to do this shit.
See you on Monday for another installment of Awesome/Not Awesome!
Now, before we get started, let me make the rules clear.
The popularity of the original or the cover does not affect the list.
The list is mostly determined by how much I like the songs. Once I got my ten songs down, they were insanely hard to order, and if I had to do it again, it would probably be different.
I love cover songs, and really- if you think I fucked up or had a “how could you leave that out?” problem, let me know. I’m open when it comes to shit like this.
Cause covers? They’re awesome.
10) “Take on Me” (a-ha) [Reel Big Fish]
I have always been a fan of a-ha, the Norwegian trio most known here in the United States for their 1985 #1 hit “Take on Me” (and its music video which was one of the most memorable of all time). Reel Big Fish tried their hand at the song in 1999 for Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s film BASEketball. Their most recognizable aspects of the cover are the substitution of the synthesizer for Reel Big Fish’s ska horn section, and RBF frontman Aaron Barrett’s inability to sing as high as a-ha’s Morten Harket. It is easily recognizable as a cover of the original, although the ska energy that RBF brings to it is just plain different than the New Wave energy. Often criticized for taking the love and emotion out of a classic, RBF’s cover of a-ha’s “Take on Me” sits at #10 for two reasons: staying true enough to the original while putting their mark on it, and it’s just a fun song. Plus, I fucking love ska.
9) “I Love Rock N’ Roll” (The Arrows) [Joan Jett and the Blackhearts]
I know what you’re thinking: This was a cover? The Arrows released the original in 1975, which was met with much…indifference, and to this day, I have not heard the Arrows version in its entirety. However, you’d be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard of Joan Jett’s kickass cover, which was a #1 hit for seven straight weeks back in 1982. This song made Joan Jett- her solo career soon followed, and she had several more hit songs. However, Joan Jett will always be remembered best by her famous “original” cover with the Blackhearts.
8) “Mony Mony” (Tommy James & the Shondells) [Billy Idol]
From one kickass icon to another, Billy Idol’s “Mony Mony” is at #8. Interestingly, both were extremely popular; the original was a top ten hit back in 1968 and the cover was a #1 hit almost 20 years later in 1987. Both songs still receive considerable airplay, although it is likely Billy Idol’s version has surpassed the original in popularity, bringing the next generation as well as the punk scene into “Mony Mony”. Tommy James & the Shondells had several other top ten songs as well as two number one songs. Many of Billy Idol’s songs continue to be played today, but “Mony Mony” seems to have the farthest reach into pop culture; it has been parodied by Weird Al Yankovic as well as sampled in the popular Youtube video, “The Evolution of Dance”. At #8, the only number one single for Billy Idol, his “Mony Mony”.
7) “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” (Solomon Burke) [The Blues Brothers]
The Blues Brothers only performed covers, and entering the pop culture hall of fame like the Blues Brothers did, one of their songs had to appear in my top 10. It was really a toss-up between this and “Soul Man”, the 1967 Sam and Dave song most people would probably associate with the Blues Brothers. However, for me, this was the better cover, so here we go. Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” was a minor hit back in 1964. It should come to no surprise that Burke was a Philadelphia minister, just doing what he does best- singing about love and how it should be a part of our lives. The Blues Brothers covered it several times at concerts in the late 1970s, and the song also appeared in the Blues Brothers movie released in 1980. Jake Blues revealed his inner Burke to get the energy up, and Elwood’s insistence that we “signify our feelings with every simple caress” is something that stuck with me. Even if everyone else happens to be a “Soul Man”.
6) “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails) [Johnny Cash]
If you’re looking for a song to cry to, look no further. “Hurt” is a song of desperation and loneliness, what you’ll find when pleasure evades you at every turn. Trent Reznor’s (of NIN) “Hurt” strips down the industrial rock sound that Nine Inch Nails is known for to crush your soul in a simple melody both haunting and beautiful at the same time. Despite never being released as a single from the 1994 album The Downward Spiral, the song gained considerable popularity. But most shocking was Johnny Cash’s 2002 cover. I didn’t know that someone could take such a crushing song and make it even more crushing in a completely different way. One of the last songs commercially released before Cash’s death, it seems to be a reflection on his entire life- the music video shows clips spanning his entire career- and it makes you wonder what the legend thought of his life shortly before it ended. His trademark voice, his frail body, the imagery of the video- when you put it all together, I actually find it difficult not to cry. Reznor said of Cash’s recording that “Hurt” was no longer his song. I don’t know if I’ll go that far, as both versions are awesome, but damn. Fucking intense. Be right back. I need a tissue.
5) “With a Little Help From My Friends” (The Beatles) [Joe Cocker]
“Billy Shears” (Ringo Starr) sings the original version from the band you may have heard of from this little album they had. You know, the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, regarded by many to the best album of ALL TIME. If you haven’t heard this song, fuck you. Seriously. I don’t care if you like it, but everybody should have heard this song at least once in their life. Released in 1967, it wasn’t released as a single for the Beatles until much later, but that didn’t stop Joe Cocker from covering it at another little known musical event, something called….. let me get my notes here…. Woodstock. You’ve probably heard this version too (which went to #1 in 1968) and regained popularity in the late 80s as the theme song for “the Wonder Years”. It’s interesting to note the show’s first season took place in 1968, which I’m sure is no coincidence. Both versions of the song are musical achievements, and if you don’t know them then a) again fuck you and b) check it out.
4) “Mad World” (Tears for Fears) [Gary Jules]
Something about the depressing songs… I guess they just make for good cover songs. “Mad World” by my personal favorite band of the 1980s, Britain’s Tears for Fears, is the second track and first major hit for the band off their breakthrough album “The Hurting”. “Mad World” is sung from a teenager’s angry, confused eyes as he looks at the world around him and finds it an unappealing, scary, and chaotic place. When Gary Jules stripped down the 80s classic to a single piano in 2001, it gains the haunting effect and a whole new yet familiar depression. The song appeared in commercials for video games, and most famously was used in Donnie Darko (set in the 1980s). Coming in at #4, “Mad World” proves that 20 years later, we’re all intimidated by the world around us.
3) “Walk This Way” (Aerosmith) [Run D.M.C.]
First released in 1975, “Walk This Way” was a pretty good song at first glance. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a huge Aerosmith fan, but I do enjoy the song which tells about a boy losing his virginity. You know, original! Now, I feel like this song is kinda not really a cover, as both versions are so close, but ehhh deal with it. Fast forward to 1986 when Run D.M.C. who didn’t even know who Aerosmith was heard the song when they were freestyling over the Aerosmith album Toys in the Attic. The rest, as they say, is history, which only resulted in one of the biggest freaking deals in music history. The collaboration between Aerosmith and Run D.M.C. revitalized Aerosmith’s career which was steadily going downhill at that time, but more importantly, the song was hip-hop/rap’s first foray in the top 5, and showed people that hybrids like this could work. Liked Linkin Park and Jay-Z’s shit? Well you can thank this record. Major groups who still had many good years of music in them, “Walk This Way” was the crossroads of the century in music, and lands at #3 as a result.
2) “Twist and Shout” (The Top Notes) [The Beatles]
I bet you didn’t even fucking know this was a cover. The original 1961 recording….. kinda sucks actually. The Top Notes original recording sounds nothing like the version you’re probably thinking of right now. Honestly, the original actually sounds like nothing. There’s no real hook and it just sounds bland. A year later in 1962 the Isley Brothers covered the Top Notes' original, and it started taking the form that the Beatles would fucking own with in 1964. You’d think that would be enough for the song, which was a hit for the both the Isley Brothers and the Beatles in the 60s, but when the Beatles’ version appeared in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (a movie avid Awesome/Not Awesome readers know I fucking love) the song AGAIN took to the charts in the mid 80s. Oh, and to top it all off, another cover got the song to #1 in 1994! Damn! That’s a lot of action for one song! Too bad the original sucked ass! Cause it was a hit for everybody but the Top Notes apparently!
1) “Smooth Criminal” (Michael Jackson) [Alien Ant Farm]
Alright, so what do you get when take a kickass song from 1988 with a kickass synthesizer line about a kickass subject matter with a kickass music video with kickass vocals and cover it? Usually you get a steaming pile of shit. How the fuck are you going to top that?! I mean, c’mon the anti-gravity lean? Fucking classic. Say what you will about Michael Jackson (and I have- see 10/22/09 Not Awesome) but this song . . . Is the shit. About a girl named Annie who gets hit, or perhaps struck, by the “smooth criminal”, the song remains possibly my favorite MJ song. But 2001 rolls around, and Alien Ant Farm splashes onto the scene with a rock cover of Smooth Criminal which takes the original and somehow makes it even more fucking badass. Not everyone agrees with me here- in fact, a lot of people think AAF butchered the song, but not this guy. This cover gets me pumped the fuck up, and I’m ready to fight people like I’m listening to “Eye of the Tiger”! So Alien Ant Farm, congratulations! You have the most awesome cover song according to starckie’s wholly unknown Awesome/Not Awesome blog! I’m sure you guys will have a long and prosperous career with many more hits to come!
There you have it. I hope you enjoyed this list as much as I agonized over making it, you sadistic bastards. Here are just a few of the songs that didn’t make my cut- maybe they’ll make yours:
“Boys of Summer” (Don Henley) [The Ataris]
“Somebody’s Baby” (Jackson Brown) [Phantom Planet]
“Bizarre Love Triangle” (New Order) [Stabbing Westward]
“Come on Eileen” (Dexy’s Midnight Runners) [Save Ferris]
“Radio Ga Ga” (Queen) [Electric Six]
“Careless Whisper” (Wham!) [Seether]
There’s probably a whole fuck-ton of songs I missed that could completely change my list. But c’mon I’m only human. It’s not like I’m getting paid to do this shit.
See you on Monday for another installment of Awesome/Not Awesome!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-5-10)
So…. Which channels DON’T have Family Guy airing in syndication? Damn!
AWESOME: Donkey Kong Country Returns
It takes an awful lot to excite me about video games these days. As with most things, I’m ten years behind the times or quite simply I refuse to change.
I don’t own an ipod.
I do however, has a nice little collection of cassettes.
But anyways, video games these days I could give two shits about.
Another first person shooter?
About World War II?
Great.
The gameplay in all those games combined are probably longer than World War II!
However, when Nintendo announced at the annual E3 conference (which stands for …Electronic…3) that they were making a sequel to the Donkey Kong Country franchise, I shit my pants, had a stroke, had a minor heart attack, forgot my PIN number, was late for work, and came up with a convincing proof for the existence of God.
Strangely, I did NOT ejaculate.
But Donkey Kong Country and its sequels make up one of the best series of games in existence. The first game was… the very first game I EVER beat.
Awww… a nerd moment.
But then Donkey Kong Country 2 came out, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWESOME.
DKC2 is my favorite side-scroller of all time. I’ll probably write another awesome about that game in the future- it’s THAT good.
DKC3 wasn’t bad, but it didn’t do the same thing like 2 did for me (which is tough to do, so no biggie DKC3). But sadly, the Super Nintendo was on its way out by that time- DKC3 was the last game I bought new for the SNES.
And it was the end of an era. If I wanted to play a Donkey Kong Country game, it looked like I was just going to have replay the ones I had- which I did.
Several times over.
Donkey Kong 64 was a really good game, but not the same. I need some classic shit.
C’mon!
Flash forward to 2010…. With the success of the Wii’s virtual console, they are releasing new old school games.
Seriously? This isn’t a joke? DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!
Oh my fuck, how long have I waited for this day…
Let’s see…. 1996….
Fourteen years. Two thirds of my life.
This game better be fucking good. I’m not going to wait until I’m 35 for another sequel.
Don’t let me down Nintendo! Make it awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Law and Order: LA
Okay, so SVU is Special Victims Unit, CI is Criminal Intent, TBJ is Trial by Jury, and LA is…..
Libel and Assault?
Oh, Los Angeles.
Los Angeles. That’s the best you can come up with.
Is crime THAT much different in LA than NYC that we need another Law and Order to cover it?
I mean with the other spin-offs they focus in specific crimes (SVU) or give a different perspective of the crime (CI, TBJ).
But murder… is murder. LA, NYC,…. Any TV with Jersey Shore on the screen….
But I guess it’s not all that bad. Two Law and Orders? I can get behind that. I love the series.
WHAT?! THE ORIGINAL SERIES WAS CANCELLED!
Oh, yeah I seem to remember crying uncontrollably about that back in May.
WHY GOD, WHY?!
Okay, let’s see here… the ratings weren’t great but still good enough for a 21st season… can’t see any reason why it would canceled…
OH, IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE COMING OUT WITH GODDAMN LAW AND ORDER: LA!
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, GET RID OF THE STILL SUCCESSFUL SHOW WITH ESTABLISHED CHARACTERS THAT (BY THE WAY) IS ABOUT AS OLD AS ME TO START IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN A DIFFERENT CITY WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE I CARE NOTHING ABOUT?!
That’s like if they rebooted the fucking Batman series, but instead of Gotham, they set in Charleston, South Carolina.
Eh, it could work, but… why? Why would you fuck with something that’s iconic and that works?
I think Law and Order and I think New York City. End of story.
And to top it all off:
You’re seriously asking me to buy into a new show that killed the original one?
Fuck you guys!
Law and Order! Come back! It’s really not awesome thinking of NBC without you.
I . . . love you.
AWESOME: Donkey Kong Country Returns
It takes an awful lot to excite me about video games these days. As with most things, I’m ten years behind the times or quite simply I refuse to change.
I don’t own an ipod.
I do however, has a nice little collection of cassettes.
But anyways, video games these days I could give two shits about.
Another first person shooter?
About World War II?
Great.
The gameplay in all those games combined are probably longer than World War II!
However, when Nintendo announced at the annual E3 conference (which stands for …Electronic…3) that they were making a sequel to the Donkey Kong Country franchise, I shit my pants, had a stroke, had a minor heart attack, forgot my PIN number, was late for work, and came up with a convincing proof for the existence of God.
Strangely, I did NOT ejaculate.
But Donkey Kong Country and its sequels make up one of the best series of games in existence. The first game was… the very first game I EVER beat.
Awww… a nerd moment.
But then Donkey Kong Country 2 came out, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWESOME.
DKC2 is my favorite side-scroller of all time. I’ll probably write another awesome about that game in the future- it’s THAT good.
DKC3 wasn’t bad, but it didn’t do the same thing like 2 did for me (which is tough to do, so no biggie DKC3). But sadly, the Super Nintendo was on its way out by that time- DKC3 was the last game I bought new for the SNES.
And it was the end of an era. If I wanted to play a Donkey Kong Country game, it looked like I was just going to have replay the ones I had- which I did.
Several times over.
Donkey Kong 64 was a really good game, but not the same. I need some classic shit.
C’mon!
Flash forward to 2010…. With the success of the Wii’s virtual console, they are releasing new old school games.
Seriously? This isn’t a joke? DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!
Oh my fuck, how long have I waited for this day…
Let’s see…. 1996….
Fourteen years. Two thirds of my life.
This game better be fucking good. I’m not going to wait until I’m 35 for another sequel.
Don’t let me down Nintendo! Make it awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Law and Order: LA
Okay, so SVU is Special Victims Unit, CI is Criminal Intent, TBJ is Trial by Jury, and LA is…..
Libel and Assault?
Oh, Los Angeles.
Los Angeles. That’s the best you can come up with.
Is crime THAT much different in LA than NYC that we need another Law and Order to cover it?
I mean with the other spin-offs they focus in specific crimes (SVU) or give a different perspective of the crime (CI, TBJ).
But murder… is murder. LA, NYC,…. Any TV with Jersey Shore on the screen….
But I guess it’s not all that bad. Two Law and Orders? I can get behind that. I love the series.
WHAT?! THE ORIGINAL SERIES WAS CANCELLED!
Oh, yeah I seem to remember crying uncontrollably about that back in May.
WHY GOD, WHY?!
Okay, let’s see here… the ratings weren’t great but still good enough for a 21st season… can’t see any reason why it would canceled…
OH, IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE COMING OUT WITH GODDAMN LAW AND ORDER: LA!
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, GET RID OF THE STILL SUCCESSFUL SHOW WITH ESTABLISHED CHARACTERS THAT (BY THE WAY) IS ABOUT AS OLD AS ME TO START IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN A DIFFERENT CITY WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE I CARE NOTHING ABOUT?!
That’s like if they rebooted the fucking Batman series, but instead of Gotham, they set in Charleston, South Carolina.
Eh, it could work, but… why? Why would you fuck with something that’s iconic and that works?
I think Law and Order and I think New York City. End of story.
And to top it all off:
You’re seriously asking me to buy into a new show that killed the original one?
Fuck you guys!
Law and Order! Come back! It’s really not awesome thinking of NBC without you.
I . . . love you.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-4-10)
WHEN THE HELL DID THEY GET RID OF THE PINBALL GAME? I THOUGHT THAT CAME STANDARD WITH MINESWEEPER AND SOLITAIRE? FUCK!
AWESOME: Mailboxes
That’s right. Mailboxes!
Why?
They’re…. cool.
The way I see it, mailboxes are good for one thing and one thing only:
1) They’re really fun to destroy.
Oh, that, and getting and sending mail is also good.
Now before I go any further, I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING TO MAILBOXES ANYWHERE.
But I am saying that the one time like ten years ago when my neighbors and I stuck a whole bunch of fireworks into his mailbox- was AWESOME.
There’s something about mailboxes…. Like, why does the idea of destroying them hold so much appeal?
How many television shows have shown its characters taking a baseball bat to mailboxes from the passenger seat while another guy drives?
A shitload! That’s how many!
In addition, mailboxes are kinda like cars in that you really know a lot about people from them. Seriously, mailboxes come in such a variety of styles, colors…. Shapes? (maybe?), it’s just fucking cool.
I want three or four mailboxes. Really personalized. Like maybe….
1) The DeLorean time machine. Parallel to the road, you open the door (which swings upward of course) and put the mail in. So simple, a caveman could do it. Oh, and if you need to send mail, just bring the hook out- which obviously connects directly the flux capacitor. However, it might also send your mail back to 1955.
2) Buffalo Bills logo mailbox. Unfortunately it only receives mail about 5 out of every 16 business days since 2000. Trying to send mail? Forget it.
3) A circular container simply saying “semen” on the lid attached to a pole. Rain nor sleet nor dead of night- how about jizz?
Now that would be awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “kthanksbye” and similar horseshit
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. According to an official study I just made up, approximately 70% of females use “kthanks” or “kthnx” regularly when on facebook or another social networking site, and 163% of females have used it at least once.
Here’s the problem. It’s not cute. It’s just annoying.
Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. It was probably cute at some point. But it quickly morphed into the “That’s what she said” of the internet; once everybody started doing it, it lost almost all of its appeal.
Thankfully however, “kthnxbye” seems to be contained to the female side of the human race. Guys (to my knowledge) only use it ironically.
Anyways, the point of this ridiculous sign-off seems to be… only to be cute. Fair enough, but…. If the point of what you’re saying is to be cute, say complimenting another girl on her appearance, shouldn’t your compliment ALREADY be cute? Why do you need to spice it up?
It’s like when angry fucking people randomly insert profanity into their Goddamn rants!
If you need to use “kthnxbye”, then I can only conclude that you are probably not cute yourself, not creative, or likeliest of all, had nothing original to say anyway.
AND BY THE WAY,
Who says goodbye anyway on facebook?! This isn’t a conversation like in real life where people naturally have to go their separate ways and say bye. People have conversations that can extend indefinitely, no need for goodbye.
It’s just fucking stupid!
Although by far the worst instance is when IT DOESN’T APPLY. I’ve seen people put it BEFORE they stop typing. Like…
“Hello. You’re a big sack of shit. Kthanksbye. Fuck you.”
Obviously that’s not what they actually said. Although the more I read that, the more I want to say it. Cause that’s pretty awesome.
AWESOME: Mailboxes
That’s right. Mailboxes!
Why?
They’re…. cool.
The way I see it, mailboxes are good for one thing and one thing only:
1) They’re really fun to destroy.
Oh, that, and getting and sending mail is also good.
Now before I go any further, I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING TO MAILBOXES ANYWHERE.
But I am saying that the one time like ten years ago when my neighbors and I stuck a whole bunch of fireworks into his mailbox- was AWESOME.
There’s something about mailboxes…. Like, why does the idea of destroying them hold so much appeal?
How many television shows have shown its characters taking a baseball bat to mailboxes from the passenger seat while another guy drives?
A shitload! That’s how many!
In addition, mailboxes are kinda like cars in that you really know a lot about people from them. Seriously, mailboxes come in such a variety of styles, colors…. Shapes? (maybe?), it’s just fucking cool.
I want three or four mailboxes. Really personalized. Like maybe….
1) The DeLorean time machine. Parallel to the road, you open the door (which swings upward of course) and put the mail in. So simple, a caveman could do it. Oh, and if you need to send mail, just bring the hook out- which obviously connects directly the flux capacitor. However, it might also send your mail back to 1955.
2) Buffalo Bills logo mailbox. Unfortunately it only receives mail about 5 out of every 16 business days since 2000. Trying to send mail? Forget it.
3) A circular container simply saying “semen” on the lid attached to a pole. Rain nor sleet nor dead of night- how about jizz?
Now that would be awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “kthanksbye” and similar horseshit
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. According to an official study I just made up, approximately 70% of females use “kthanks” or “kthnx” regularly when on facebook or another social networking site, and 163% of females have used it at least once.
Here’s the problem. It’s not cute. It’s just annoying.
Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. It was probably cute at some point. But it quickly morphed into the “That’s what she said” of the internet; once everybody started doing it, it lost almost all of its appeal.
Thankfully however, “kthnxbye” seems to be contained to the female side of the human race. Guys (to my knowledge) only use it ironically.
Anyways, the point of this ridiculous sign-off seems to be… only to be cute. Fair enough, but…. If the point of what you’re saying is to be cute, say complimenting another girl on her appearance, shouldn’t your compliment ALREADY be cute? Why do you need to spice it up?
It’s like when angry fucking people randomly insert profanity into their Goddamn rants!
If you need to use “kthnxbye”, then I can only conclude that you are probably not cute yourself, not creative, or likeliest of all, had nothing original to say anyway.
AND BY THE WAY,
Who says goodbye anyway on facebook?! This isn’t a conversation like in real life where people naturally have to go their separate ways and say bye. People have conversations that can extend indefinitely, no need for goodbye.
It’s just fucking stupid!
Although by far the worst instance is when IT DOESN’T APPLY. I’ve seen people put it BEFORE they stop typing. Like…
“Hello. You’re a big sack of shit. Kthanksbye. Fuck you.”
Obviously that’s not what they actually said. Although the more I read that, the more I want to say it. Cause that’s pretty awesome.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-3-10)
I’m really disappointed. It’s already August, and I still haven’t seen Tremors yet this summer?
Psh. What’s the point of the summer months if I got no Tremors? Answer: There is none.
AWESOME: Education Connection
The other night I saw a commercial. An everyday occurrence to be sure. But this commercial, this was different.
I was amazed by the green screen effects only slightly better than my local meteorologist. There was the girl, it looked like at one point on roller skates, with mustard and ketchup containers running around, and then she starts this really weird ….rap-esque diddy about how she wants money.
In case you’re deaf, occasionally the words she’s singing/rapping/saying…. I don’t know flash on screen! That’s how you know they’re really important.
It’s like if I wanted to accentuate the word fuck in the sentence “fuck you”, I’d have a little ear icon right above it that, if clicked would be a recording of some guy yelling fuck. You know, subtle.
But anyways, yeah, I need money, I only have a high school degree (actually this part is probably akin to most rappers), so she goes online to Education Connection to find the right college!
For her!
Yeah…. That’s how I find the most legit places to go to college…. Through a third-party source that only advertises during [adult swim].
And that’s pretty much the entire commercial. Some scrawny white girl rapping to me (and not current rap, like late 80s-early 90s, Ton-Luc should be doing this commercial rap) in an attempt to get me to visit a website to get to college.
Did I mention I’m watching a television show starring anthropomorphic fast food items?
What the FUCK makes you think that if I’m not already in college, that I’m even thinking about it?
Shit, Girls Gone Wild runs its ads during these times and I don’t know of anyone, ever, who’s bought anything related to Girls Gone Wild.
That’s naked chicks, catering to the stupid adult cartoon crowd, not selling anything.
What makes you think you’re going to sell college?!
Now, as some of you may recall, this is the awesome part of the entry. So why is it awesome?
To put it simply, it takes serious dedication to fuck up this badly on a commercial. You have to get a group of people together, firmly deciding not to think at all about logistics, demographics, or pop culture phenomena of the past 20 years to make something this awful.
That I can respect!
The commercial looks like it was made before most people even knew what the internet was!
For not getting a single damn thing right and making me laugh through the entire minute long shit-mercial, Education Connection- you’re awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Michael Cera
We get it. You’re the nerdy white teenager.
Now please, for the love of God, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
I don’t care what it is! I’m so sick and tired of seeing Michael Cera play the same role that I literally become enraged when I see trailers with him in it.
Please Michael, I want to see you do other things! Please!
For the record- I think he’s a good actor! I liked him in Superbad (when his being the nerdy white guy had not yet become cliché) and even saw him on “Tim and Eric”, and I’ve wanted to see other movies he’s been in (Juno, for one).
But I just can’t fucking take it anymore! I’m so pissed off! Because I think the visuals, the story, and the other actors that are in “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” make it look like a really kickass movie. (Note: Not “Kickass” movie- that was something else)
But no! Michael Cera just HAS to play the nerdy white teenager-guy! Now I can’t go see the movie! What a shitload of fuck…
Oh, and for the record, he’s 22.
Not that I have a problem with older actors playing teenagers- Alan Ruck as Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is perhaps my favorite character/performance of all time, and Ruck was 28 when he played the 18-year-old Cameron.
But Ruck didn’t make a living playing ONLY teenage characters his whole fucking life.
You know who this reminds me of?
Anthony Michael Hall. You know him, the nerdy white teenager guy from Sixteen Candles, the Breakfast Club, Weird Science. Yeah. A generation down the line and we have Michael Cera.
OH WAIT.
NO IT DOESN’T.
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL FUCKING TURNED DOWN GEEK ROLES SO AS NOT TO GET TYPECAST HIS WHOLE LIFE.
Good for you, man. See, the Dead Zone lasted a couple of years. Awesome.
So Micheal Cera, if you’re reading this (and I know you are- don’t lie), do something else. Grow a pair, or at least make the pair you’ve got drop. Cause deep down, I wanna like you, but right now, you’re not awesome.
Oh, and Michael… while you’re reading this, I’m very interested in playing the nerdy white guy’s friend in whatever projects you’ve got coming up.
Psh. What’s the point of the summer months if I got no Tremors? Answer: There is none.
AWESOME: Education Connection
The other night I saw a commercial. An everyday occurrence to be sure. But this commercial, this was different.
I was amazed by the green screen effects only slightly better than my local meteorologist. There was the girl, it looked like at one point on roller skates, with mustard and ketchup containers running around, and then she starts this really weird ….rap-esque diddy about how she wants money.
In case you’re deaf, occasionally the words she’s singing/rapping/saying…. I don’t know flash on screen! That’s how you know they’re really important.
It’s like if I wanted to accentuate the word fuck in the sentence “fuck you”, I’d have a little ear icon right above it that, if clicked would be a recording of some guy yelling fuck. You know, subtle.
But anyways, yeah, I need money, I only have a high school degree (actually this part is probably akin to most rappers), so she goes online to Education Connection to find the right college!
For her!
Yeah…. That’s how I find the most legit places to go to college…. Through a third-party source that only advertises during [adult swim].
And that’s pretty much the entire commercial. Some scrawny white girl rapping to me (and not current rap, like late 80s-early 90s, Ton-Luc should be doing this commercial rap) in an attempt to get me to visit a website to get to college.
Did I mention I’m watching a television show starring anthropomorphic fast food items?
What the FUCK makes you think that if I’m not already in college, that I’m even thinking about it?
Shit, Girls Gone Wild runs its ads during these times and I don’t know of anyone, ever, who’s bought anything related to Girls Gone Wild.
That’s naked chicks, catering to the stupid adult cartoon crowd, not selling anything.
What makes you think you’re going to sell college?!
Now, as some of you may recall, this is the awesome part of the entry. So why is it awesome?
To put it simply, it takes serious dedication to fuck up this badly on a commercial. You have to get a group of people together, firmly deciding not to think at all about logistics, demographics, or pop culture phenomena of the past 20 years to make something this awful.
That I can respect!
The commercial looks like it was made before most people even knew what the internet was!
For not getting a single damn thing right and making me laugh through the entire minute long shit-mercial, Education Connection- you’re awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Michael Cera
We get it. You’re the nerdy white teenager.
Now please, for the love of God, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
I don’t care what it is! I’m so sick and tired of seeing Michael Cera play the same role that I literally become enraged when I see trailers with him in it.
Please Michael, I want to see you do other things! Please!
For the record- I think he’s a good actor! I liked him in Superbad (when his being the nerdy white guy had not yet become cliché) and even saw him on “Tim and Eric”, and I’ve wanted to see other movies he’s been in (Juno, for one).
But I just can’t fucking take it anymore! I’m so pissed off! Because I think the visuals, the story, and the other actors that are in “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” make it look like a really kickass movie. (Note: Not “Kickass” movie- that was something else)
But no! Michael Cera just HAS to play the nerdy white teenager-guy! Now I can’t go see the movie! What a shitload of fuck…
Oh, and for the record, he’s 22.
Not that I have a problem with older actors playing teenagers- Alan Ruck as Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is perhaps my favorite character/performance of all time, and Ruck was 28 when he played the 18-year-old Cameron.
But Ruck didn’t make a living playing ONLY teenage characters his whole fucking life.
You know who this reminds me of?
Anthony Michael Hall. You know him, the nerdy white teenager guy from Sixteen Candles, the Breakfast Club, Weird Science. Yeah. A generation down the line and we have Michael Cera.
OH WAIT.
NO IT DOESN’T.
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL FUCKING TURNED DOWN GEEK ROLES SO AS NOT TO GET TYPECAST HIS WHOLE LIFE.
Good for you, man. See, the Dead Zone lasted a couple of years. Awesome.
So Micheal Cera, if you’re reading this (and I know you are- don’t lie), do something else. Grow a pair, or at least make the pair you’ve got drop. Cause deep down, I wanna like you, but right now, you’re not awesome.
Oh, and Michael… while you’re reading this, I’m very interested in playing the nerdy white guy’s friend in whatever projects you’ve got coming up.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-2-10)
Welcome back to another edition of Awesome/Not Awesome! As promised, there will be a new Awesome/Not Awesome EVERY WEEKDAY of this month, so keep coming back readers! If not, then fuck you!
“Last Comic Standing” would be much better if they gave the comedians humorous “weapons” and had them fight to the death “Battle Royale” style.
AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
Everybody knows this song. And everybody should, cause this song kicks ass!
For those of you who don’t know though, “Eye of the Tiger” is the fight song for one of the best sports movies of all time, Rocky III.
Obviously, being associated with Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang is a big reason why this song is awesome.
But there’s more to it than that. This song, I think, was solely written for the purpose of getting pumped up and fucking up shit. I mean, shit, just thinking about it makes me wanna go work out.
And I hate working out!
With this song playing in the background, any activity can look awesome, particularly with the intro.
The following is a short list of everyday things that automatically become badass with “Eye of the Tiger”.
1) Getting gas
2) Taking a shower
3) Mailing a letter
4) Brushing your teeth
5) Taking a shit
6) Almost getting hit by a car
This song came on the radio when I was on my way to take my Physics II final exam. And damn it, I’m never been so fucking ready to kick a test’s ass. I was going to make that test my bitch. Yeahh….
Result, you ask?
I aced it. Got an A in Physics II.
Thanks “Eye of the Tiger”!
NOT AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
This marks a first in Awesome/Not Awesome history. The same thing is both awesome and not awesome on the same day. Cheah.
Wrap your head around that.
But here’s the problem I have with it:
This one song has probably caused the most one-sided, most needless, most senseless fistfights in the history of the universe.
It’s a good thing I was on my way to my physics test and not on my way to say…. The Hardware Bar or some shit like that.
Because
a) I fucking hate the Hardware Bar, and
b) I would have been punching tools left and right
Which would, of course, lead me to leaving the Hardware Bar in a stretcher.
Not that tools can fight, but get a horde of them together, and my prediction: pain (for me).
I cannot be the only person who’s wanted to fight someone or a group of someones, for little to no reason, after hearing that song.
Song’s fucking dangerous!
“Eye of the Tiger” is the only song which seems to be its own cliché or parody. The lyrics are 80s-awesome, but just so damn corny too. It’s somehow overly-manly while still containing the right riffs to make it beloved by all, and having just enough of whatever it is that makes me want to kick somebody’s ass.
Alright, so, you may be asking yourself if the song is both awesome and not awesome…
What is my final verdict on “Eye of the Tiger”?
Still totally fucking awesome. Awesomeness heavily outweighs the not-awesomeness.
So what do I think of the guy who doesn’t like the song, then? Do I hate him?
No, no, I don’t hate him, but I pity the fool.
“Last Comic Standing” would be much better if they gave the comedians humorous “weapons” and had them fight to the death “Battle Royale” style.
AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
Everybody knows this song. And everybody should, cause this song kicks ass!
For those of you who don’t know though, “Eye of the Tiger” is the fight song for one of the best sports movies of all time, Rocky III.
Obviously, being associated with Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang is a big reason why this song is awesome.
But there’s more to it than that. This song, I think, was solely written for the purpose of getting pumped up and fucking up shit. I mean, shit, just thinking about it makes me wanna go work out.
And I hate working out!
With this song playing in the background, any activity can look awesome, particularly with the intro.
The following is a short list of everyday things that automatically become badass with “Eye of the Tiger”.
1) Getting gas
2) Taking a shower
3) Mailing a letter
4) Brushing your teeth
5) Taking a shit
6) Almost getting hit by a car
This song came on the radio when I was on my way to take my Physics II final exam. And damn it, I’m never been so fucking ready to kick a test’s ass. I was going to make that test my bitch. Yeahh….
Result, you ask?
I aced it. Got an A in Physics II.
Thanks “Eye of the Tiger”!
NOT AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
This marks a first in Awesome/Not Awesome history. The same thing is both awesome and not awesome on the same day. Cheah.
Wrap your head around that.
But here’s the problem I have with it:
This one song has probably caused the most one-sided, most needless, most senseless fistfights in the history of the universe.
It’s a good thing I was on my way to my physics test and not on my way to say…. The Hardware Bar or some shit like that.
Because
a) I fucking hate the Hardware Bar, and
b) I would have been punching tools left and right
Which would, of course, lead me to leaving the Hardware Bar in a stretcher.
Not that tools can fight, but get a horde of them together, and my prediction: pain (for me).
I cannot be the only person who’s wanted to fight someone or a group of someones, for little to no reason, after hearing that song.
Song’s fucking dangerous!
“Eye of the Tiger” is the only song which seems to be its own cliché or parody. The lyrics are 80s-awesome, but just so damn corny too. It’s somehow overly-manly while still containing the right riffs to make it beloved by all, and having just enough of whatever it is that makes me want to kick somebody’s ass.
Alright, so, you may be asking yourself if the song is both awesome and not awesome…
What is my final verdict on “Eye of the Tiger”?
Still totally fucking awesome. Awesomeness heavily outweighs the not-awesomeness.
So what do I think of the guy who doesn’t like the song, then? Do I hate him?
No, no, I don’t hate him, but I pity the fool.
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