Who the fuck writes these Skittles commercials? They lock a bunch of writers in a room and deprive them of sleep until they hallucinate an idea?
AWESOME: Machete
Have you not seen the trailer for this movie?
Holy fuck!
Like many things that kick ass, the trailer alone makes me want to go out and start a fight with the first motherfucker who looks at me the wrong way.
And that motherfucker will be the first motherfucker I see, cause no matter who looks at me after this trailer, it’s going to be the wrong way.
I mean, LOOK AT THE CAST FOR THIS MOVIE.
Jessica Alba (high five!)- I think everyone knows how I feel about this woman. Nuff said.
Michelle Rodriguez- the badass Latina chick who always plays that badass Latina chick!
Cheech?! Playing a priest who brandishes what looks like two shotguns in the trailer alone?! Sign me the fuck up!
Robert de Niro. Uhh…. Yes! More badassery is always appreciated, especially from this good of an actor. Like this is the first A-list actual ACTOR I’ve listed here. (Jessica, I love ya, but… you’re very attractive).
And lastly….. it’s…. that fucking outlaw looking Latino guy who always plays that outlaw looking Latino guy who would make me shit my pants instantaneously if I saw him at night alone! Fuck yes!
YOU CAN ALL BET YOUR ASSES THAT THERE WILL BE AN AWESOME REVIEW ON THIS MOVIE.
Gratuitous violence? Check
Sexy women? Check
Sexy woman engaging in gratuitous violence?
CHECK.
This is going to be a classic!
NOT AWESOME: Toaster Ovens
Imagine how the toaster oven was pitched.
NED: Hey Frank!
FRANK: Yeah Ned?
NED: What’s that thing you invented?
FRANK: The internal combustion engine?
NED: No, no, the other thing.
FRANK: Oh, the oven.
NED: Yeah, that’s it. What’s it good for?
FRANK: Cooking shit.
NED: What kind of shit?
FRANK: Uh…. You know, meat. Pizza. Macaroni and cheese, maybe?
NED: Aw dude, that sounds sweet.
FRANK: Yeah I like it.
NED: You’ll never believe what I invented!
FRANK: Okay, what did you invent?
NED: It’s this shiny box looking thing. You put bread or shit like that in there, and it toasts it!
FRANK: That’s really cool man, congratulations. What’ll you call it?
NED: I call it, the “TOASTER”.
FRANK: Original.
NED: Hey, fuck you!
FRANK: I’m just saying that’s a great name. The thing that toasts, the toaster.
NED: Yeah, the name gives it a character all of its own. I’m going to pitch a movie about it, something like the “Courageous Diminutive Toasting Unit”.
FRANK: You really need to work on names man.
NED: Anyway, you got something good, I got something good, how about we combine them?
FRANK: Fine, but I get to name it. How about “toaster oven”? It will toast and it will oven!
NED: BADASS!
Now, you’d think that if the oven cooks well and the toaster cooks well, the toaster oven should cook great.
EXCEPT NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN IT BURNS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF WHATEVER YOU’RE COOKING TO THE POINT WHERE EVEN DOGS WOULD BE LIKE “NO THANKS.”
(And by the way, the last time out of ten, it comes out freezing cold because I forgot to plug it in.)
The biggest problem that I have is for most food the microwave kicks the ever-loving shit out of the toaster oven.
It’s so unnecessary!
I’d rather eat shit that the blackened pile of fuck coming out of the toaster oven!
That pile might be a slice of pizza, some pop tarts, OR AN ABORTED FETUS.
And that’s a risk I can’t afford to take!
Because I will not eat that slice of pizza if there’s a chance there are mushrooms on it!
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