Awesome/Not Awesome (8-23-10)

I hope in Transformers 3 they introduce a new kind of transformer…. The emoticon. >:-(

AWESOME: Bad Editorials

I love when I have time in the morning before I have to go to class or work.

I get to eat breakfast.

Take a nice long shower to wake me up.

Maybe watch a little TV.

And best of all, I get to read the newspaper.

And best of all the newspaper, are the editorials.

Holy shit. I mean, I’d like to think that my blog entries are funny.

(They are, right?.... Please?)

But man, I could never be as funny as some of the editorials I get to read every now and then.

There are two types of bad editorials:

1) The kind about a relevant topic, but written about with an absurd logic or no logic at all. These are often marked with statements of fact that are complete and utter bullshit, or basically two paragraphs worth of fear and hate mongering. They often have no closing or summarizing lines, and just abruptly end with something similar to “so there!”

Ex: (note: I made this one up.)

“Reader weighs in on mosque in NYC”

I saw where they’re thinking about putting a mosque near Ground Zero. I told you all this would happen if we elect a muslim president! They’ve been planning this since 9-11! If we put a mosque several blocks away from Ground Zero, the terrorists win! This sort of thing would never happen with Sarah Palin in the White House.

I say we put an army recruitment center where the mosque is gonna go. That will really send a message about how we operate here. This is America! A land of freedom, where we can say what we want, do what we want, worship what we want, and build what we want! That’s why we can’t let them build the mosque- we gotta protect our values!

Sincerely, Ignorant B. McFuckelman

2) The kind about absolutely nothing of any importance, and seem to be in the paper solely to be made fun of. The information provided in them will be useful to no one except those looking for cannon fodder on their shitty blogs.
Ex: (actual editorial- paraphrased)

“Marine cries foul on sailor’s ‘can’t swim’”

The other day I was watching the movie Pearl Harbor. When the Japanese attacked, I clearly heard one sailor yell, “I can’t swim!” Now, let me tell you something, when I was becoming a Marine I didn’t know how to swim, but trust me you learned quick. This ruined the movie for me.

Sincerely, Ronald “Nothing Better to Do” Spakowski

I don’t even have to write any jokes for that. That’s just fucking awesome.

I love the editorials.


NOT AWESOME: Too Much Sugar

As some of you may know, I LOVE juice.

I drink it early and often, all kinds. Great shit.

So this morning I poured myself a nice big glass of “Schmlelch’s Schmape Schmuice” (named changed to protect the brand).

I took a sip andddd

HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!

I started to choke a little, my eyes did that squinty thing kind like if you had a really sour lemon and then someone took another part of said lemon and squirted the juice in your eyes, my head did an Exorcist spin around and I projectile vomited!

Damnnnn that’s a lot of sugar.

I think this is what Frankie Smith and all those fucking kids in the background probably drank right before they recorded “Double Dutch Bus”.

So, of course, that was only a sip. I certainly wasn’t going to waste the other 6 ounces of Schmape Schmuice.

I took out a Rosary, and began praying.

Some 40 minutes later, I put the Rosary away, and again examined the contents of my glass.

Luckily, none of my vomit from earlier made its way into the glass.

Actually, wait, that’s too bad since (if the vomit did make the glass) it would have given me an excuse to toss the Schmuice right down the drain.

Or, if I didn’t want to do that, I’m sure that the contents of my stomach would have made it a bit more palatable and greatly lowered the sugar density, thereby making it easier to drink.

So I knew this wasn’t going to get any easier from here on out. I told my family I loved them, tilted the glass back, and chugged.

10 seconds later I was done! But I was feeling really terrible.

I HAVE TYPE II DIABETES!

Goddamnit!

Where’s Wilford Brimley when you need him?