Happy Halloween to youse guys. But for me, it’s one of the most aggravating days of the year.
Why?
You’re gonna find out in the 5 Least Awesome Things About Halloween.
Goddamn…. Fucking… shit.
5) Shitty Candy
We all remember going trick-or-treating as kids. Oh, how we would walk for three miles carrying a dozen bags of candy- our legs were sore, our arms were sore, and by the time we got home, we just wanted to throw the contents of our bags all over the fucking place and see what sort of goodies we got.
Ahhh- the good times.
But there was at least one Halloween…. Maybe more… where you empty your bag to find….
SHIT. Heaping fuckloads of shit.
Now I will admit, it’s nice that no matter what you get in your bag, it was free.
BUT...
Where’s all the good stuff? What’s this shit? Generic lollipops?!
Get that shit out of here.
Alright, we got some Kit Kats, sweet…. Mr. Goodbar… eh, alright.
But wait- Swedish Fish?
Now I love Swedish Fish. Almost as much as I love the Swedish Chef (who is probably responsible for the Swedish Fish), but it doesn’t really seem like a Halloween candy.
If you’re going to give out candy on Halloween, there’s one thing you need to know, adults:
WE NEED CHOCOLATE.
C’MON I’M SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD YOU’RE BREAKING MY BALLS HERE NEIGHBORS.
Anybody who knows anything knows that chocolate is the number one reason kids go trick-or-treating.
You think it’s because we like to wear costumes?
Well… sort of.
But the candy helps! So how about giving us something good?
A brief side note: You guys remember going to old people’s houses and they’d say “Tell me a joke” or “Sing a song” or something. Well, man oh man, do I wish I knew the Cow Joke when I was young…
4) People with every square inch of their lawn decorated
Now I suppose this could be generalized to any holiday, but Halloween kind of pisses me off more with this one.
I am not against decorations. A few things is alright, and if you’re really creative and you make like…. A Frankenstein-looking dude for your lawn- that’s great.
I support people with original shit.
But what really sucks is people who go berserk and slap down like $100 for their lawn- WITH A BUNCH OF SHIT FROM A STORE.
You’re really breaking new ground with THAT one, overzealous Halloween dude.
If you want to decorate, that’s fine- but don’t insult our intelligence. Some of these decorations are exactly the same! How many gravestones with just “RIP” can you have one lawn? They all look exactly the same, we KNOW you bought them and that they are mass-produced. Why don’t you take all the money you spent on bland cheap gravestones and go buy a REAL gravestone. Get your name carved onto it, too. And put THAT out on your lawn.
Put nothing else out there with it. Just plain lawn plus your headstone. Keep the headstone close to the door and make sure enough light is hitting it so it can be read.
So when all the kiddies come by they read the grave and are like
“Oh that Mr. starckie, he’s so funny.”
And they ring the doorbell.
But then you answer all dressed like a corpse and shit, and acting like a zombie or something. Start running right at them. Have your buddy in the house say something like “No! Get away from those kids! Kill me instead, ya Goddamn zombie!”
If THAT doesn’t scare those little shits, nothing will.
And you know how much it will cost?
One decoration, strategically placed.
None of this fake scary shit. Go real or go home. How many of the same fucking plastic black cats do I have to see in a given Halloween?
3) Mischief Night
So technically this isn’t about Halloween night, but it’s close enough. It comes with the season.
The problem I have with Mischief Night is that it exists.
Why?
If you are going to run around neighborhoods performing random acts of mischief, DON’T go on Mischief Night. There’s no element of surprise, and you’ve got to pretty stupid to actually commit any good mischief on a night everyone’s planned for it. I mean, if we had a day colloquially known as Arson Day, where (so we’re told) adolescents occasionally commit arson, would YOU go out that night and light somebody’s house on fire?
NO! People are watching for it! You’d get caught!
And what’s worse is, no GOOD mischief is ever committed on Mischief Night. What’s the worst that you’ve ever seen?
“Oh no, my Jack-O-Latern’s smashed.”
“Somebody TP’d my house.”
Real original there, “mischief- makers”.
And as I’ve mentioned before, originality is highly appreciated. And common sense is also applauded.
So how about doing something really cool for a change?
Get a sturdy rope and tie somebody’s back bumper to a tree. That oughta be fun, right?
Run around the neighborhood spray painting some illegible symbol on everybody’s lawn. That should creep the fuck out of them come the next morning.
None of this TP stuff.
And the only thing good about smashing pumpkins is Smashing Pumpkins.
So here’s what I’d do on Mischief Night: Sit around and do nothing but plan for other nights.
Cause nobody expects mischief…. Except on Mischief Night.
What a stupid fucking idea….
2) Kids
I know what you’re thinking: starckie, you love kids!
Yes, I do. Kids are great. I want to be a teacher.
But that doesn’t give kids the right to run around in the middle of the street, often wearing black, while I am trying to drive.
Where are the parents?! Don’t they know how tempting it is to hit a whole pack of Hannah Montana’s?!
And then there are some kids don’t even know who they are supposed to be for Halloween. What the hellsamatter with these kids? I don’t have to give you candy you know. I at the very least expect you to have a clue what you’re doing.
“Oh hey there, some little girl, what are you sposed to be?”
“A Princess.”
“A princess! Oh, that’s great.”
Some of you might be saying, that doesn’t sound so bad. This girl knew she was a princess.
Right. However, let me describe her attire a little more.
She was wearing blue baggy Arabian style clothing. She had a little pendent thingy. Clearly Disney.
So, as much I’d like to swear at little kids, I can’t. But if I could, here’s what that conversation would look like:
“Oh hey there, some little girl, what are you sposed to be?”
“A Princess.”
“A princess! Oh, does she have a name?”
“(Girl’s name)”
“No, no, no, that’s your name. What’s the princess’s name?”
Pause.
“You’re Jasmine, Goddamn it! You’ve got to be shitting me, you don’t know who Jasmine is? Holy fucking shit- give me back that candy. Better luck next year.”
Heartless? Perhaps.
But just because you’re young and in a costume doesn’t mean you don’t have to try.
And get out of the Goddamn road!
1) Christmas
That’s right, Christmas is totally, without a doubt, the shittiest, least awesome thing about Halloween.
That sentence didn’t even make sense, but it’s true.
CHRISTMAS- you know, Jesus is born, it’s in December- gets in the way of HALLOWEEN- Oct. 31, All Saints Eve.
I don’t want to walk into a store in October and see a Christmas tree up.
I don’t want to see Christmas-themed commercials on TV.
I don’t want to hear anyone say, “I can’t wait for Christmas.”
Bullshit. Yes you can wait. Or you damn well better, because now we’ve lost Thanksgiving and we’re losing Halloween to this fuckness.
The rampant commercialism and materialism is bad enough from Black Friday onward. Can’t we all just concentrate on Halloween for the time being?
With that, I would like to share with you all the scariest thing that happened to me on Halloween….ever.
Last year or the year before, Halloween fell on a Friday, and as is my family’s custom, we ordered a pizza.
And who had to go it, but yours truly. The pizza place is only a mile and a half from my house.
So I’m driving out there, and I see a dude with a popcorn machine on the side of the road. That’s not even candy, let alone shitty candy!
Then- oh great, the Store Bought Lawn of Doom.
A couple of teenagers are sitting around on the side of the road, plotting and scheming. There's a good idea! Screw Mischief Night, do it on Halloween, when everyone will notice you!
And all the while, these fucking kids are running out with reckless abandon on the off the street in the most random pattern I’ve ever seen- some of whom are completely in black and I can’t see, and some of the others that I can see I want to mow down with my vehicle, while the parents stand there and watch as they let the children of various single-digit ages take their lives into their own hands, and trust me not to let my own personal views of how natural selection should occur get in the way of my desire to go get the pizza I ordered.
And then “Wonderful Christmas Time” comes on the radio.
Then I had a stroke.
“Wonderful Christmas Time”?!
Wonderful Christmas Time.
No.
I don’t even know what to say.
“Wonderful Christmas Time”.
It defies all logic.
This little episode surely means that humans have “jumped the shark”, and are now devolving into apes.
So, this concludes my list- Happy fucking Halloween.
And don’t ring my doorbell. I’m not answering.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-26-09)
First real post on Blogspot!
I'm so excited! It's going to be great!..... to have my number of readers decrease dramatically. We'll see how this works out.
AWESOME: Deadliest Warrior
God, I miss this show. I'm pretty sure it's been renewed for a second season, but if not, then you have missed something great. From the masterminds at Spike, Deadliest Warrior, is (ironically) about a bunch of friends sitting around drinking.
No?
Joke not doing it for you?
Well, fine, fuck ya then.
Deadliest Warrior is unsurprisingly about deadly warriors- but it's more than that. Each week they pit two groups of famous fighters against each other in a fierce melee for honor and supremacy. To determine the victor, each group gets five weapons varying in usage, effectiveness, and power. Examining the weapons against each other, minor victories are won for weapons' advantages. But how to test these weapons?
How about bringing in experts in the weapons, and the warriors who used them, in all their destructive glory?
FUCK YES.
I don't care what they use- swords, axes, spears, bombs, guns,..... cynical comments, I don't care- because it's so fucking awesome. The weapons are used with perfection, bringing the absolute height of destruction into the fray on unsuspecting dummies, animal carcasses, etc.
There has only been a few episodes, and all of them are pretty damn entertaining- but I think my favorite has to be the Mafia vs. the Yakuza- the Japanese equivalent of the mob. This has got it all- baseball bats, guns of all sorts, Molotov cocktails, martial arts weapons.
The only way it could get better is if Woody Harrelson showed up!
The Mafia and the Yakuza then meet for one hell of a simulated showdown- which is by far the best part of any episode.
Most of the time, the typical warriors in each episode would never meet- so when they DO encounter each other, it's awkwardly, randomly, awesome...! They just fight, and aim to kill each other! No fucking reason!
In the aforementioned episode, the Mafia and Yakuza happen to stumble into a hotel...
.... and ALL FUCKING HELL BREAKS LOSE!
And while I don't agree with the result, I will agree with this statement:
Deadliest Warrior is awesome.
Here's to a second season- I hope!
NOT AWESOME: Tip Calculators
I like tips.
I like calculators.
But why is the holy fuckicity do tip calculators exist?
How hard is it to figure out what you want to tip?
First of all, if you're that bad at math or lazy to calculate the tip, you can guess 15% to a reasonable error.
Say, your bill is..... $8.62. Well, most people don't have a lot of change on them (because of the TAPLAP dishes!), so you gotta to round to the nearest $0.50.
Well, $1 is about an eight (12.5%), $2 is a fourth (25%). So give your server $1.50. It's going to be over 15%, but let's not be cheap, asshole.
Say you're a little bit better than that. You can't just guess at the tip- you don't got whole lots of moneys.... better be a bit more precise. Round a bit- your $8.62 is about $8.50, right?
Take 10% of $8.50=.85 c (you just move the Goddamn decimal place, peoples!)
Round again. It's about .90. Take half of that- .45.
Add.
.90 + .45= $1.35.
Now, was that all that bad, huh?
C'mon, stop being a douche.
To get the exact answer, take 10% of the bill, then half of the 10%, and add them. That's it.
THAT'S IT. It's not THAT difficult.
$8.62---> 10% = .862 + .431 = 1.293, or $1.29.
Now, I know that I'm slightly more mathematically inclined than some of youse guys....
So, I'm here to tell you, it's okay.
It's okay. You don't have to be good at math.
We're all different, children.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A SPECIFIC PROGRAM IN YOUR CELL PHONE TO SPELL OUT TO THE LAST GODDAMN DETAIL HOW TO TIP!
At the very least, use a regular fucking calculator or something! Don't give me any of this "but the tip calculator is convenient" bullshit.
At least the regular calculator preserves a little bit of the process of math-I mean, you have to have SOME understanding of percentages to find your answer.
But with a tip calculator, what's the hardest thing you have to do?
Figure out the tip % and how many people are contributing to the tip. Two numbers.
BULL-FUCKING-SHIT.
Nobody knows how to do fucking anything anymore. We're so damn reliant on our own electronics it's disgusting.
I mean, God forbid our cell phones are used for making calls instead of calculating your tip.
Why are we so dependent on our electronics? I don't know. And tip calculators are one of the most awful examples. And these examples are everywhere....
Like, why can't people just tell each other how they feel about shit?
No, they have to go online and write about it on their shitty blogs. Well, fuck that shit!
I'm so excited! It's going to be great!..... to have my number of readers decrease dramatically. We'll see how this works out.
AWESOME: Deadliest Warrior
God, I miss this show. I'm pretty sure it's been renewed for a second season, but if not, then you have missed something great. From the masterminds at Spike, Deadliest Warrior, is (ironically) about a bunch of friends sitting around drinking.
No?
Joke not doing it for you?
Well, fine, fuck ya then.
Deadliest Warrior is unsurprisingly about deadly warriors- but it's more than that. Each week they pit two groups of famous fighters against each other in a fierce melee for honor and supremacy. To determine the victor, each group gets five weapons varying in usage, effectiveness, and power. Examining the weapons against each other, minor victories are won for weapons' advantages. But how to test these weapons?
How about bringing in experts in the weapons, and the warriors who used them, in all their destructive glory?
FUCK YES.
I don't care what they use- swords, axes, spears, bombs, guns,..... cynical comments, I don't care- because it's so fucking awesome. The weapons are used with perfection, bringing the absolute height of destruction into the fray on unsuspecting dummies, animal carcasses, etc.
There has only been a few episodes, and all of them are pretty damn entertaining- but I think my favorite has to be the Mafia vs. the Yakuza- the Japanese equivalent of the mob. This has got it all- baseball bats, guns of all sorts, Molotov cocktails, martial arts weapons.
The only way it could get better is if Woody Harrelson showed up!
The Mafia and the Yakuza then meet for one hell of a simulated showdown- which is by far the best part of any episode.
Most of the time, the typical warriors in each episode would never meet- so when they DO encounter each other, it's awkwardly, randomly, awesome...! They just fight, and aim to kill each other! No fucking reason!
In the aforementioned episode, the Mafia and Yakuza happen to stumble into a hotel...
.... and ALL FUCKING HELL BREAKS LOSE!
And while I don't agree with the result, I will agree with this statement:
Deadliest Warrior is awesome.
Here's to a second season- I hope!
NOT AWESOME: Tip Calculators
I like tips.
I like calculators.
But why is the holy fuckicity do tip calculators exist?
How hard is it to figure out what you want to tip?
First of all, if you're that bad at math or lazy to calculate the tip, you can guess 15% to a reasonable error.
Say, your bill is..... $8.62. Well, most people don't have a lot of change on them (because of the TAPLAP dishes!), so you gotta to round to the nearest $0.50.
Well, $1 is about an eight (12.5%), $2 is a fourth (25%). So give your server $1.50. It's going to be over 15%, but let's not be cheap, asshole.
Say you're a little bit better than that. You can't just guess at the tip- you don't got whole lots of moneys.... better be a bit more precise. Round a bit- your $8.62 is about $8.50, right?
Take 10% of $8.50=.85 c (you just move the Goddamn decimal place, peoples!)
Round again. It's about .90. Take half of that- .45.
Add.
.90 + .45= $1.35.
Now, was that all that bad, huh?
C'mon, stop being a douche.
To get the exact answer, take 10% of the bill, then half of the 10%, and add them. That's it.
THAT'S IT. It's not THAT difficult.
$8.62---> 10% = .862 + .431 = 1.293, or $1.29.
Now, I know that I'm slightly more mathematically inclined than some of youse guys....
So, I'm here to tell you, it's okay.
It's okay. You don't have to be good at math.
We're all different, children.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A SPECIFIC PROGRAM IN YOUR CELL PHONE TO SPELL OUT TO THE LAST GODDAMN DETAIL HOW TO TIP!
At the very least, use a regular fucking calculator or something! Don't give me any of this "but the tip calculator is convenient" bullshit.
At least the regular calculator preserves a little bit of the process of math-I mean, you have to have SOME understanding of percentages to find your answer.
But with a tip calculator, what's the hardest thing you have to do?
Figure out the tip % and how many people are contributing to the tip. Two numbers.
BULL-FUCKING-SHIT.
Nobody knows how to do fucking anything anymore. We're so damn reliant on our own electronics it's disgusting.
I mean, God forbid our cell phones are used for making calls instead of calculating your tip.
Why are we so dependent on our electronics? I don't know. And tip calculators are one of the most awful examples. And these examples are everywhere....
Like, why can't people just tell each other how they feel about shit?
No, they have to go online and write about it on their shitty blogs. Well, fuck that shit!
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-23-09): Top Ten Most Awesome Twilight Zone Episodes
Originally posted 10-24-09
Submitted for your approval, I’ve got a very special Awesome/Not Awesome for you today. In celebration of Halloween, I want to share possibly my favorite TV show of all time with you,The Twilight Zone .
This show is so good, I thought about just writing about its opening theme, but that just doesn’t do it justice.
To put it simply, there’s no other show like it in terms of story, with each episode bringing an entirely new batch of characters and circumstances- sometimes from your hopes, sometimes from your fears. While I still reserve the right to make any Twilight Zone episode a future Awesome selection, for now it’s time for starckie’s Top 10 Most Awesome Twilight Zone Episodes. Being that we are in the “spooky” month of October, most of my selections are going to be on the creepy, scary, or suspenseful side ofthe Twilight Zone .
Note: I am going to do my best to avoid spoilers, but be warned- I may fuck it up.
Another Note: No episode from the hour-long selections of season 4 made this list.
Final Note, I swear: I could probably do this list once a month for five years, and every list would be different.
10) A World of His Own (Season 1)
“Her name is Mary, she’s 30, 5 feet six inches tall….”
During the final episode of Season 1, Victoria West comes home- and finds her husband Gregory enjoying an evening with another woman. Furious, she enters the room to confront Gregory, who works as a playwright. But she’s surprised when the woman, Mary, is no longer there.
Gregory tells her that he has an interesting dictation machine that will produce whatever he describes – a feature he discovered when a previous character came to life and thanked him for creating him.
Victoria, obviously, is skeptic, but Gregory is determined to prove it to her.
This episode makes the list for a variety of reasons, perhaps most notably that it is the first episode to feature Rod Serling appear on screen. The twist ending is, of course, awesome, but this episode really isn’t scary or suspenseful. Relying mostly on fantasy elements, it has a surprisingly comedic finale. For making you think while entertaining you, “A World of His Own” grabs the #10 spot.
9) Eye of the Beholder (Season 2)
“…The very first thing I can remember is another little child screaming when she looked at me…”
This is one of the more famous episodes that will appear on my list, and probably the one I can say the least about.
Janet Tyler has had surgery after surgery to fix her disfigurement. Doctors discuss her current treatment-the latest in a long list- and are very hopeful that this one is finally the cure. To make matters worse, the state has ruled that the ugly along with any others who do not conform to be removed from society. With so much on the line, Janet is desperate to know whether her treatment has worked, but the only way they will find out if it has succeeded is to remove her bandages….
I know I haven’t really said much about the episode, but I would be so pissed off (if I were you) to have the rest of the episode ruined via Awesome spoiler.
“Eye of the Beholder” isn’t the best in dialogue, story, or even ending, but it’s told so remarkably well and paced with a kind of anxiety that will draw any viewer’s attention. It is comparable in many ways to the “1984” Apple commercial, aired during the Super Bowl in Jan. 1984.
Even the doctors sympathize with the plight of this girl in this State, and we all want for this poor girl to succeed in having a normal appearance- don’t we?
8) Five Characters in Search of an Exit (Season 3)
“A couple of very important items seem to have eluded me…. Like who I am!”
The title says it all.
A major, a clown, a bagpiper, a ballerina, and a hobo are all gathered together in some strange place.
The only distinguishing feature of this place is that it seems to have no roof, but instead has a view of what seems to be the sky.
None of them remember who they are or how they got there, and they seem to have no need for sustenance in any way.
So, where the fuck are they?! Who the fuck are they?!
When in the fuck are they?!
As with some other episodes on this list, there really isn’t a whole lot of terms of story. It’s just attempt after attempt to answer the basic questions of identity and location. And the ending is insane- one that caught me completely off-guard. I really can’t say much more about this episode, or it’s ruined. For blindsiding the viewer from the start to finish, “Five Characters in Search of an Exit” lands at 8.
7) Shadow Play (Season 2)
“You can’t make me die again!”
Adam Grant has been convicted of murder. On the day of his execution, he tries to convince everyone else he comes into contact with that they are all people he knows- in his waking life.
That’s right, Adam believes that this particular situation is one in a long list of recurring nightmares- where his continually convicted for murder and executed.
Adam, “knowing” how his “dream” plays out, is able to predict what is going to happen next that day- causing some in his “dream” to believe that it really is a dream, while others question his sanity.
Now, some of you may be asking- if it’s dream, who cares if he dies? Well, Adam sure does- because every time he “dies”, he wakes up screaming- and thus can never sleep.
So, what would you do if you had control over this man’s execution?
Unlike the previous entries, this episode is loaded with plot- and every detail matters. Is this man crazy, did he ever kill anybody, or is he really dreaming? Shadow Play is 7- or at least it was in my dreams.
6) Walking Distance (Season 1)
“Martin, I only wanted to tell you that this is a wonderful time of life for you…”
This episode is notable in that it is Rod Serling’s most personal entry in the series. Serling, of course, was the mastermind behind many, many episodes, and his name will always be synonymous withthe Twilight Zone . He will be remembered always for perfecting the hybrid of science fiction and fantasy. And “Walking Distance” certainly lives up to the hype.
Martin Sloan is in the middle of driving cross-country, when he stops to get gas. He realizes that Homewood, the town where he grew up, is close by- the attendant assures him it is within “walking distance.” So, Martin leaves his car at the station and begins to walk towards Homewood.
But when he arrives, something is different. Homewood appears as exactly as Martin remembers- in fact, it IS as he remembers, because he has traveled back in time. Exploring the town, he reminisces about how great it was to grow up there.
But, he soon finds someone he could not have ever imagined he would- himself. Following himself home, he talks to his parents from his own past, trying to convince them that he is their son from the future. Predictably, it doesn’t go as well as he had hoped.
This episode is one of many to discuss time travel- but this one has a slightly different context. It warns us not to live in our past- both literally and figuratively- because we may endanger our present. It is hardest for us to progress into our futures when he keep trying to go back into our pasts.
For a great plot and a great message, Walking Distance arrives at 6.
5) The Howling Man (Season 2)
“The Devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape. I had seen him before, in all parts of the world. In all forms and guises. Wherever there was sin…”
We hear David Ellington describe an encounter he had while lost somewhere in Europe after WWI. He finds a castle, and seeking shelter goes inside, where he finds a strange, well-spoken man in a prison cell. The man claims he has been wrongfully imprisoned by a religious order.
Just then, the leader of the order finds David there, and tells him who this man is- the devil himself. The leader, Brother Jerome, tells David that the devil has been imprisoned since the end of WWI, and as a result the world has enjoyed peace. David is very skeptical of the story, and plans to release the old prisoner, but Jerome is aware of David’s intentions. It becomes a contest between David and the order over who will control the old man’s fate- with disastrous consequences.
This episode is unique is that it is told via flashback throughout almost the entire half-hour. While somewhat predictable for a devil story, the real entertainment comes from the conversations between the “howling man”, David, and the brothers- each one trying to convince the others of the prisoner’s real identity, while questioning the others’ sanity. Unfortunately, that’s about all I can say without giving away anything. But trust me, this episode is worth your time- you never know when you might encounter a howling man.
4) The Obsolete Man (Season 2)
“You have no function, Mr. Wordsworth. You're an anachronism, like a ghost from another time.”
“The Obsolete Man” is the second episode on my list to be set in a dystopian totalitarian state (after Eye of the Beholder), in which we find Romney Wordsworth. He is our titular “obsolete” man, his offense being his occupation as a librarian and his belief in God- the State has outlawed literacy and the possibility of God existing. Thus, Wordsworth is obsolete.
He is tried and convicted by the chancellor; and, not being totally without conscience, he offers Wordsworth a number of choices surrounding his death- the spiritual librarian requests that he is may have his own personal assassin who will be the only person to know how Wordsworth is to be executed. Further, he requests that his death be televised.
The genius of this episode comes here: Wordsworth study is being broadcast to the entire State, when the chancellor shows up at 11:15 P.M. Little does the chancellor know, but he is Wordsworth’s “assassin” of sorts- setting up the events that led to Wordsworth’s decisions. They are both locked in the study by Wordsworth, who tells the chancellor that a bomb has been hidden somewhere in the room and will go off at midnight. From here on out, it is a battle of will for the chancellor and the state as to how to handle this bizarre situation. The chancellor of course fears for his life, but the state will lose credibility if they attempt to save him.
The set-up is intense, the story well thought-out, and the contrast between the “obsolete man” and the state officials is so strikingly clear as they face death that we can’t help but recognize the irony in all of it.
It’s also worth mentioning that Burgess Meredith plays Wordsworth. Meredith is tied for the most Twilight Zone appearances, and his most famous appearance was in “Time Enough at Last”, where he is the last man alive in a post-nuclear apocalypse world. I feel, however, that this was his best performance, as “the Obsolete Man”.
3) In Praise of Pip (Season 5)
“That's the way of the world, Georgy. The rich get richer and the long shots lose so what's to do?”
The opening episode of Season 5, “In Praise of Pip” shares some similarities with “Walking Distance” while striking a more emotional, loving cord.
Max Phillips is a bookie, spending most of his life working his undignified profession. He begins to think about his son, Pip, who is serving a tour of duty in Vietnam. Max is clearly disappointed in himself, having wasted the entirety of his son’s childhood doing his dirty work. Looking for some redemption, he returns some money to an unlucky gambler. As a result, he incurs the wrath of his boss, and is shot by his boss’s hitman.
Clearly in immense pain, he stumbles around while thinking about his past actions. He finds himself in an amusement park, and more surprisingly he finds his son Pip, as a child, there as well. Max wastes no time in having some fun with his son, with his work no longer an issue. They both enjoy their quality time immensely- Max will not waste his second chance with his son. But not all is well, as Pip suddenly runs away, and Max must find him again…
This is the most uplifting episode of my list, with a good deal of morality infused. Everyone can be redeemed, even when you’ve wasted your life on petty gambling prospects, even in the Twilight Zone.
2) It’s a Good Life (Season 2)
“...but it's a real good thing you did. A real good thing. And tomorrow....tomorrow's gonna be a-- real good day!”
Anthony Fremont is a very special little 6-year-old boy. Born with amazing mental capabilities, he can seemingly create or destroy anything as he pleases. He lives in the town of Peaksville, Ohio- or he did, but he decided to isolate it from the rest of the world, making the location of the town a moot point. It’s not even clear if the rest of the world even exists anymore- such is his power.
The people of Peaksville live in Anthony’s own world, where opposition to his will results in Anthony taking away your very existence. But if that wasn’t bad enough, you just can’t fake happiness to avoid his judgment. He can read minds as well- you must honestly believe that everything Anthony does is good to preserve your own existence.
This is one of the most famous Twilight Zone episodes, and with good reason. The suspense in this episode is ridiculous, as all the adults cater to Anthony’s every whim. It’s difficult to describe its awesomeness without giving away the ending, but the best way to go about it (I guess) is to sum it up like this:
If an opportunity arises to change an oppressive environment, do you take it and possibly die, hesitate and possibly die, or preserve your miserable life, be taken with fear, fail to take action, smile, and fool yourself into thinking, “It’s a Good Life”?
1) The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street (Season 1)
“No! No it's nothing of the sort! It isn't me I swear it isn't! Someone's pulling a gag or something!”
When I was in 6th grade, we read the script to this episode in Lit class. To my knowledge, this was my first trip to the Twilight Zone- and I keep going back.
To be completely honest, this episode scares the living fuck out of me. This could really happen.
Notice Maple Street, a suburban street with friendly, good people living together. It is a fairly tight-knit street. But when a strange object is spotted over Maple Street, the neighbors collectively wonder what it could be: nothing at all, a Russian satellite (remember this was 1959), a UFO?
All seems well until nightfall, when the residents realize their electricity is out- but that’s not all. No machine will work. Even their cars are useless. Pete Van Horn decides he is going to walk to the next town to see if the same thing is happening there- and maybe he can find some help.
Suddenly, Les Goodman’s- a resident of Maple Street- car starts all by itself- and the other people of Maple Street begin to be taken by fear. The shit is about to hit the fan, as panic comes over Maple Street.
The dialogue, progression, and suspense in this story makes for one hell of a ride. You thought “It’s a Good Life” was suspenseful? Not even close to “the Monsters are Due on Maple Street”. The neighbors increasing paranoia and fear is directly proportional to the viewer’s- you are just as confused as they as to what is going on. You just want some answers, and you want to feel safe. But with the possibility of a mole among you, who do you trust, when the people you’ve lived next to for years could be out to destroy you?
This episode offers a tremendous amount of introspection to the viewer as well. How would you handle
the situation? As prejudice and pandemonium takes over Maple Street, you’ve got to ask yourself who you are. The answer might not be as pleasant as you had hoped. You don’t have to figure out if the man in the prison before you is the devil; you don’t need to know your own personal history as you are trapped with four other strangers; all you need to know is that when the lights go out on your street, who do you think you’re going to see- the same person you see when the lights are on, or a monster?
Alright, well that concludes my list. I hope you’ve enjoyed it- the top ten most awesome Twilight Zone episodes. The Twilight Zone premiered 50 years ago this month, on Oct. 2, 1959. As a result, many people are making their own top episodes lists, and I couldn’t resist comparing my list to theirs:
Time Magazine’s top ten includes “The Eye of the Beholder” (10) and “Walking Distance” (8), and also has “It’s a Good Life” and “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” in the same spots as I do (2 and 1, respectively).
Movielegends.com includes “The Eye of the Beholder” (19 out of top 25), “Walking Distance” (15), “A World of His Own” (8), and “It’s a Good Life” in the same spot as I have it, #2.
The-top-tens.com includes “It’s a Good Life” (9), “The Obsolete Man” (7), “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” (6), “The Howling Man” (5), and “The Eye of the Beholder” (4). That’s half of my list!
Associated Content.com includes “Walking Distance” (same spot as me- 6) and “The Eye of the Beholder” (4).
Finally, I have some honorable mentions. The list was insanely difficult to make, and here’s a view that didn’t make the cut (although if I did the list again in a year, they might- they’re all that good):
“People are Alike All Over” (Season 1); “The After-Hours” (Season 1); “A Thing About Machines” (Season 2); “Nick of Time” (Season 2); “Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?” (Season 2); “The Shelter” (Season 3); “The Hunt” (Season 3); “The Trade-Ins” (Season 3); “The Gift” (Season 3); “Probe 7, Over and Out” (Season 5); “The Masks” (Season 5); and “Stopover in a Quiet Town” (Season 5).
Alright, so you’ve taken 20 minutes to read this, I guess I better wrap it up. Thanks a lot for reading, and I hope you’ve enjoyed it. This is actually the last post to be on facebook- all full posts of Awesome/Not Awesome goodness are now only found at www.awesomestarck.blogspot.com
See you later, maybe in the deepest, darkest corner of the Twilight Zone.
Submitted for your approval, I’ve got a very special Awesome/Not Awesome for you today. In celebration of Halloween, I want to share possibly my favorite TV show of all time with you,
This show is so good, I thought about just writing about its opening theme, but that just doesn’t do it justice.
To put it simply, there’s no other show like it in terms of story, with each episode bringing an entirely new batch of characters and circumstances- sometimes from your hopes, sometimes from your fears. While I still reserve the right to make any Twilight Zone episode a future Awesome selection, for now it’s time for starckie’s Top 10 Most Awesome Twilight Zone Episodes. Being that we are in the “spooky” month of October, most of my selections are going to be on the creepy, scary, or suspenseful side of
Note: I am going to do my best to avoid spoilers, but be warned- I may fuck it up.
Another Note: No episode from the hour-long selections of season 4 made this list.
Final Note, I swear: I could probably do this list once a month for five years, and every list would be different.
10) A World of His Own (Season 1)
“Her name is Mary, she’s 30, 5 feet six inches tall….”
During the final episode of Season 1, Victoria West comes home- and finds her husband Gregory enjoying an evening with another woman. Furious, she enters the room to confront Gregory, who works as a playwright. But she’s surprised when the woman, Mary, is no longer there.
Gregory tells her that he has an interesting dictation machine that will produce whatever he describes – a feature he discovered when a previous character came to life and thanked him for creating him.
Victoria, obviously, is skeptic, but Gregory is determined to prove it to her.
This episode makes the list for a variety of reasons, perhaps most notably that it is the first episode to feature Rod Serling appear on screen. The twist ending is, of course, awesome, but this episode really isn’t scary or suspenseful. Relying mostly on fantasy elements, it has a surprisingly comedic finale. For making you think while entertaining you, “A World of His Own” grabs the #10 spot.
9) Eye of the Beholder (Season 2)
“…The very first thing I can remember is another little child screaming when she looked at me…”
This is one of the more famous episodes that will appear on my list, and probably the one I can say the least about.
Janet Tyler has had surgery after surgery to fix her disfigurement. Doctors discuss her current treatment-the latest in a long list- and are very hopeful that this one is finally the cure. To make matters worse, the state has ruled that the ugly along with any others who do not conform to be removed from society. With so much on the line, Janet is desperate to know whether her treatment has worked, but the only way they will find out if it has succeeded is to remove her bandages….
I know I haven’t really said much about the episode, but I would be so pissed off (if I were you) to have the rest of the episode ruined via Awesome spoiler.
“Eye of the Beholder” isn’t the best in dialogue, story, or even ending, but it’s told so remarkably well and paced with a kind of anxiety that will draw any viewer’s attention. It is comparable in many ways to the “1984” Apple commercial, aired during the Super Bowl in Jan. 1984.
Even the doctors sympathize with the plight of this girl in this State, and we all want for this poor girl to succeed in having a normal appearance- don’t we?
8) Five Characters in Search of an Exit (Season 3)
“A couple of very important items seem to have eluded me…. Like who I am!”
The title says it all.
A major, a clown, a bagpiper, a ballerina, and a hobo are all gathered together in some strange place.
The only distinguishing feature of this place is that it seems to have no roof, but instead has a view of what seems to be the sky.
None of them remember who they are or how they got there, and they seem to have no need for sustenance in any way.
So, where the fuck are they?! Who the fuck are they?!
When in the fuck are they?!
As with some other episodes on this list, there really isn’t a whole lot of terms of story. It’s just attempt after attempt to answer the basic questions of identity and location. And the ending is insane- one that caught me completely off-guard. I really can’t say much more about this episode, or it’s ruined. For blindsiding the viewer from the start to finish, “Five Characters in Search of an Exit” lands at 8.
7) Shadow Play (Season 2)
“You can’t make me die again!”
Adam Grant has been convicted of murder. On the day of his execution, he tries to convince everyone else he comes into contact with that they are all people he knows- in his waking life.
That’s right, Adam believes that this particular situation is one in a long list of recurring nightmares- where his continually convicted for murder and executed.
Adam, “knowing” how his “dream” plays out, is able to predict what is going to happen next that day- causing some in his “dream” to believe that it really is a dream, while others question his sanity.
Now, some of you may be asking- if it’s dream, who cares if he dies? Well, Adam sure does- because every time he “dies”, he wakes up screaming- and thus can never sleep.
So, what would you do if you had control over this man’s execution?
Unlike the previous entries, this episode is loaded with plot- and every detail matters. Is this man crazy, did he ever kill anybody, or is he really dreaming? Shadow Play is 7- or at least it was in my dreams.
6) Walking Distance (Season 1)
“Martin, I only wanted to tell you that this is a wonderful time of life for you…”
This episode is notable in that it is Rod Serling’s most personal entry in the series. Serling, of course, was the mastermind behind many, many episodes, and his name will always be synonymous with
Martin Sloan is in the middle of driving cross-country, when he stops to get gas. He realizes that Homewood, the town where he grew up, is close by- the attendant assures him it is within “walking distance.” So, Martin leaves his car at the station and begins to walk towards Homewood.
But when he arrives, something is different. Homewood appears as exactly as Martin remembers- in fact, it IS as he remembers, because he has traveled back in time. Exploring the town, he reminisces about how great it was to grow up there.
But, he soon finds someone he could not have ever imagined he would- himself. Following himself home, he talks to his parents from his own past, trying to convince them that he is their son from the future. Predictably, it doesn’t go as well as he had hoped.
This episode is one of many to discuss time travel- but this one has a slightly different context. It warns us not to live in our past- both literally and figuratively- because we may endanger our present. It is hardest for us to progress into our futures when he keep trying to go back into our pasts.
For a great plot and a great message, Walking Distance arrives at 6.
5) The Howling Man (Season 2)
“The Devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape. I had seen him before, in all parts of the world. In all forms and guises. Wherever there was sin…”
We hear David Ellington describe an encounter he had while lost somewhere in Europe after WWI. He finds a castle, and seeking shelter goes inside, where he finds a strange, well-spoken man in a prison cell. The man claims he has been wrongfully imprisoned by a religious order.
Just then, the leader of the order finds David there, and tells him who this man is- the devil himself. The leader, Brother Jerome, tells David that the devil has been imprisoned since the end of WWI, and as a result the world has enjoyed peace. David is very skeptical of the story, and plans to release the old prisoner, but Jerome is aware of David’s intentions. It becomes a contest between David and the order over who will control the old man’s fate- with disastrous consequences.
This episode is unique is that it is told via flashback throughout almost the entire half-hour. While somewhat predictable for a devil story, the real entertainment comes from the conversations between the “howling man”, David, and the brothers- each one trying to convince the others of the prisoner’s real identity, while questioning the others’ sanity. Unfortunately, that’s about all I can say without giving away anything. But trust me, this episode is worth your time- you never know when you might encounter a howling man.
4) The Obsolete Man (Season 2)
“You have no function, Mr. Wordsworth. You're an anachronism, like a ghost from another time.”
“The Obsolete Man” is the second episode on my list to be set in a dystopian totalitarian state (after Eye of the Beholder), in which we find Romney Wordsworth. He is our titular “obsolete” man, his offense being his occupation as a librarian and his belief in God- the State has outlawed literacy and the possibility of God existing. Thus, Wordsworth is obsolete.
He is tried and convicted by the chancellor; and, not being totally without conscience, he offers Wordsworth a number of choices surrounding his death- the spiritual librarian requests that he is may have his own personal assassin who will be the only person to know how Wordsworth is to be executed. Further, he requests that his death be televised.
The genius of this episode comes here: Wordsworth study is being broadcast to the entire State, when the chancellor shows up at 11:15 P.M. Little does the chancellor know, but he is Wordsworth’s “assassin” of sorts- setting up the events that led to Wordsworth’s decisions. They are both locked in the study by Wordsworth, who tells the chancellor that a bomb has been hidden somewhere in the room and will go off at midnight. From here on out, it is a battle of will for the chancellor and the state as to how to handle this bizarre situation. The chancellor of course fears for his life, but the state will lose credibility if they attempt to save him.
The set-up is intense, the story well thought-out, and the contrast between the “obsolete man” and the state officials is so strikingly clear as they face death that we can’t help but recognize the irony in all of it.
It’s also worth mentioning that Burgess Meredith plays Wordsworth. Meredith is tied for the most Twilight Zone appearances, and his most famous appearance was in “Time Enough at Last”, where he is the last man alive in a post-nuclear apocalypse world. I feel, however, that this was his best performance, as “the Obsolete Man”.
3) In Praise of Pip (Season 5)
“That's the way of the world, Georgy. The rich get richer and the long shots lose so what's to do?”
The opening episode of Season 5, “In Praise of Pip” shares some similarities with “Walking Distance” while striking a more emotional, loving cord.
Max Phillips is a bookie, spending most of his life working his undignified profession. He begins to think about his son, Pip, who is serving a tour of duty in Vietnam. Max is clearly disappointed in himself, having wasted the entirety of his son’s childhood doing his dirty work. Looking for some redemption, he returns some money to an unlucky gambler. As a result, he incurs the wrath of his boss, and is shot by his boss’s hitman.
Clearly in immense pain, he stumbles around while thinking about his past actions. He finds himself in an amusement park, and more surprisingly he finds his son Pip, as a child, there as well. Max wastes no time in having some fun with his son, with his work no longer an issue. They both enjoy their quality time immensely- Max will not waste his second chance with his son. But not all is well, as Pip suddenly runs away, and Max must find him again…
This is the most uplifting episode of my list, with a good deal of morality infused. Everyone can be redeemed, even when you’ve wasted your life on petty gambling prospects, even in the Twilight Zone.
2) It’s a Good Life (Season 2)
“...but it's a real good thing you did. A real good thing. And tomorrow....tomorrow's gonna be a-- real good day!”
Anthony Fremont is a very special little 6-year-old boy. Born with amazing mental capabilities, he can seemingly create or destroy anything as he pleases. He lives in the town of Peaksville, Ohio- or he did, but he decided to isolate it from the rest of the world, making the location of the town a moot point. It’s not even clear if the rest of the world even exists anymore- such is his power.
The people of Peaksville live in Anthony’s own world, where opposition to his will results in Anthony taking away your very existence. But if that wasn’t bad enough, you just can’t fake happiness to avoid his judgment. He can read minds as well- you must honestly believe that everything Anthony does is good to preserve your own existence.
This is one of the most famous Twilight Zone episodes, and with good reason. The suspense in this episode is ridiculous, as all the adults cater to Anthony’s every whim. It’s difficult to describe its awesomeness without giving away the ending, but the best way to go about it (I guess) is to sum it up like this:
If an opportunity arises to change an oppressive environment, do you take it and possibly die, hesitate and possibly die, or preserve your miserable life, be taken with fear, fail to take action, smile, and fool yourself into thinking, “It’s a Good Life”?
1) The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street (Season 1)
“No! No it's nothing of the sort! It isn't me I swear it isn't! Someone's pulling a gag or something!”
When I was in 6th grade, we read the script to this episode in Lit class. To my knowledge, this was my first trip to the Twilight Zone- and I keep going back.
To be completely honest, this episode scares the living fuck out of me. This could really happen.
Notice Maple Street, a suburban street with friendly, good people living together. It is a fairly tight-knit street. But when a strange object is spotted over Maple Street, the neighbors collectively wonder what it could be: nothing at all, a Russian satellite (remember this was 1959), a UFO?
All seems well until nightfall, when the residents realize their electricity is out- but that’s not all. No machine will work. Even their cars are useless. Pete Van Horn decides he is going to walk to the next town to see if the same thing is happening there- and maybe he can find some help.
Suddenly, Les Goodman’s- a resident of Maple Street- car starts all by itself- and the other people of Maple Street begin to be taken by fear. The shit is about to hit the fan, as panic comes over Maple Street.
The dialogue, progression, and suspense in this story makes for one hell of a ride. You thought “It’s a Good Life” was suspenseful? Not even close to “the Monsters are Due on Maple Street”. The neighbors increasing paranoia and fear is directly proportional to the viewer’s- you are just as confused as they as to what is going on. You just want some answers, and you want to feel safe. But with the possibility of a mole among you, who do you trust, when the people you’ve lived next to for years could be out to destroy you?
This episode offers a tremendous amount of introspection to the viewer as well. How would you handle
the situation? As prejudice and pandemonium takes over Maple Street, you’ve got to ask yourself who you are. The answer might not be as pleasant as you had hoped. You don’t have to figure out if the man in the prison before you is the devil; you don’t need to know your own personal history as you are trapped with four other strangers; all you need to know is that when the lights go out on your street, who do you think you’re going to see- the same person you see when the lights are on, or a monster?
Alright, well that concludes my list. I hope you’ve enjoyed it- the top ten most awesome Twilight Zone episodes. The Twilight Zone premiered 50 years ago this month, on Oct. 2, 1959. As a result, many people are making their own top episodes lists, and I couldn’t resist comparing my list to theirs:
Time Magazine’s top ten includes “The Eye of the Beholder” (10) and “Walking Distance” (8), and also has “It’s a Good Life” and “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” in the same spots as I do (2 and 1, respectively).
Movielegends.com includes “The Eye of the Beholder” (19 out of top 25), “Walking Distance” (15), “A World of His Own” (8), and “It’s a Good Life” in the same spot as I have it, #2.
The-top-tens.com includes “It’s a Good Life” (9), “The Obsolete Man” (7), “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” (6), “The Howling Man” (5), and “The Eye of the Beholder” (4). That’s half of my list!
Associated Content.com includes “Walking Distance” (same spot as me- 6) and “The Eye of the Beholder” (4).
Finally, I have some honorable mentions. The list was insanely difficult to make, and here’s a view that didn’t make the cut (although if I did the list again in a year, they might- they’re all that good):
“People are Alike All Over” (Season 1); “The After-Hours” (Season 1); “A Thing About Machines” (Season 2); “Nick of Time” (Season 2); “Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?” (Season 2); “The Shelter” (Season 3); “The Hunt” (Season 3); “The Trade-Ins” (Season 3); “The Gift” (Season 3); “Probe 7, Over and Out” (Season 5); “The Masks” (Season 5); and “Stopover in a Quiet Town” (Season 5).
Alright, so you’ve taken 20 minutes to read this, I guess I better wrap it up. Thanks a lot for reading, and I hope you’ve enjoyed it. This is actually the last post to be on facebook- all full posts of Awesome/Not Awesome goodness are now only found at www.awesomestarck.blogspot
See you later, maybe in the deepest, darkest corner of the Twilight Zone.
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-22-09)
Originally posted 10-22-09
So I'll get this out of the way now. I don't want no panicking.
Tomorrow's Awesome/Not Awesome will be a very special one, where I will compile the Most Awesome.... somethings.
As a result, this post may be a bit longer, and thus might not be up in time. But don't worry it will posted by Saturday.
And this is your daily reminder that Awesome/Not Awesome will be moving to www.awesomestarck.blogspot.com on Monday. Please come follow me!
Alright, enough of that.
AWESOME: Cartoon Pockets
What the hell do I mean by cartoon pockets?
You ever watch the old Looney Tunes where Bugs Bunny or somebody takes a mallet three times his size out of his pocket?
Yeah- I want that.
Sometimes, instead of one large item, they take out like 50 smaller things. That would be insanely useful! Backpacks would become obsolete, my car would look a hell of a lot cleaner, and best of all I would always have everything I could possibly ever need with me at all times.
Ah- life is good.
The other awesome part of cartoon pockets is that they apparently have some weight-altering capabilities.
Do you know how heavy a big fucking mallet is?
Pretty heavy! But the weight is only evident in cartoon-land once the object is exiting or has exited the pocket. Check it out-
Bugs reaches into his pocket (never mind that he appears to be reaching into his fur) and one of two things will happen:
a) He flings it effortlessly out of his pocket in one fell swoop, and then struggles to use it.
b) He struggles to take it out of his pocket, and then struggles to use it.
But the point remains, before it was completely out of his pocket, he was walking around and moving like the mallet wasn't even in his pocket. He was not hindered in any way by its volume or weight.
This kind of pocket would solve most of the world's problems. For example, the energy crisis.
Gone. Instead of truckers, we have marathoners wear pants with shitloads of cartoon pockets run from place to place. Then we have muscular warehouse/dock unloaders guys remove the contents of the cartoon pockets. Sure, it may take longer for the cargo to get places, but it would cost a hell of a lot less!
Alright, so we've had cartoon pockets for a while now. When can we expect to see them in real life? Get cracking, physicists.
And once we've got that, it shouldn't be too hard to just reach behind our backs and have that mallet simply materialize. Now THAT would be awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Male Enhancement
I know I usually explain what the topic is, but I'm not going to get into this one. You know damn well what it is, although I'm sorry you do.
My problem isn't really male enhancement itself, but like Michael Jackson, it's brought up all the time on TV. One commercial in particular really grinds my shit. Some of you may have heard me complain about this before.
It's a shot of a gym- treadmills and the like. Then this maybe mid-50s guy walks into the frame and exclaims:
"MALE ENHANCEMENT!"
Whoa!
When does that happen in regular conversation? Nice transition, asshole.
What if I walked into some situation, say.... a hospital ER. And then just yelled whatever was on my mind... how about...
"FOOD!"
Everyone would look at me like I'm nuts.
What's wrong with saying hi before you start talking about your problem? It would make you look a lot less creepy, considering your subject matter.
Although, maybe this guy is doing us a favor by telling us his intentions immediately- then we can change the channel as quickly as possible, avoiding his "unique" topic.
But the creepiest, most off-putting part of the commercial is right after his pronunciation.
"I've seen hundreds- no- thousands of these commercials for..."
How much TV do you watch buddy? I mean, I've seen this commercial maybe 15 times over the course of 6 months.
Not even close to 100 times.
So how many hours of TV do you have to watch to see male enhancement commercials 1000 TIMES?!
Maybe that's why you got problems. Too much sitting down, wasting away.... led to something else sitting down, wasting away.
How ironic this commercial is a gym, considering how much fucking TV you watch, creepy old man.
These commercials are painful enough, we don't need you making them even more awkward.
So, go fuck yourself, old ME guy!
Oh wait... the ME. Right.
Then uhhh.... stop being so Goddamn weird!
It's not awesome!
So I'll get this out of the way now. I don't want no panicking.
Tomorrow's Awesome/Not Awesome will be a very special one, where I will compile the Most Awesome.... somethings.
As a result, this post may be a bit longer, and thus might not be up in time. But don't worry it will posted by Saturday.
And this is your daily reminder that Awesome/Not Awesome will be moving to www.awesomestarck.blogspot
Alright, enough of that.
AWESOME: Cartoon Pockets
What the hell do I mean by cartoon pockets?
You ever watch the old Looney Tunes where Bugs Bunny or somebody takes a mallet three times his size out of his pocket?
Yeah- I want that.
Sometimes, instead of one large item, they take out like 50 smaller things. That would be insanely useful! Backpacks would become obsolete, my car would look a hell of a lot cleaner, and best of all I would always have everything I could possibly ever need with me at all times.
Ah- life is good.
The other awesome part of cartoon pockets is that they apparently have some weight-altering capabilities.
Do you know how heavy a big fucking mallet is?
Pretty heavy! But the weight is only evident in cartoon-land once the object is exiting or has exited the pocket. Check it out-
Bugs reaches into his pocket (never mind that he appears to be reaching into his fur) and one of two things will happen:
a) He flings it effortlessly out of his pocket in one fell swoop, and then struggles to use it.
b) He struggles to take it out of his pocket, and then struggles to use it.
But the point remains, before it was completely out of his pocket, he was walking around and moving like the mallet wasn't even in his pocket. He was not hindered in any way by its volume or weight.
This kind of pocket would solve most of the world's problems. For example, the energy crisis.
Gone. Instead of truckers, we have marathoners wear pants with shitloads of cartoon pockets run from place to place. Then we have muscular warehouse/dock unloaders guys remove the contents of the cartoon pockets. Sure, it may take longer for the cargo to get places, but it would cost a hell of a lot less!
Alright, so we've had cartoon pockets for a while now. When can we expect to see them in real life? Get cracking, physicists.
And once we've got that, it shouldn't be too hard to just reach behind our backs and have that mallet simply materialize. Now THAT would be awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Male Enhancement
I know I usually explain what the topic is, but I'm not going to get into this one. You know damn well what it is, although I'm sorry you do.
My problem isn't really male enhancement itself, but like Michael Jackson, it's brought up all the time on TV. One commercial in particular really grinds my shit. Some of you may have heard me complain about this before.
It's a shot of a gym- treadmills and the like. Then this maybe mid-50s guy walks into the frame and exclaims:
"MALE ENHANCEMENT!"
Whoa!
When does that happen in regular conversation? Nice transition, asshole.
What if I walked into some situation, say.... a hospital ER. And then just yelled whatever was on my mind... how about...
"FOOD!"
Everyone would look at me like I'm nuts.
What's wrong with saying hi before you start talking about your problem? It would make you look a lot less creepy, considering your subject matter.
Although, maybe this guy is doing us a favor by telling us his intentions immediately- then we can change the channel as quickly as possible, avoiding his "unique" topic.
But the creepiest, most off-putting part of the commercial is right after his pronunciation.
"I've seen hundreds- no- thousands of these commercials for..."
How much TV do you watch buddy? I mean, I've seen this commercial maybe 15 times over the course of 6 months.
Not even close to 100 times.
So how many hours of TV do you have to watch to see male enhancement commercials 1000 TIMES?!
Maybe that's why you got problems. Too much sitting down, wasting away.... led to something else sitting down, wasting away.
How ironic this commercial is a gym, considering how much fucking TV you watch, creepy old man.
These commercials are painful enough, we don't need you making them even more awkward.
So, go fuck yourself, old ME guy!
Oh wait... the ME. Right.
Then uhhh.... stop being so Goddamn weird!
It's not awesome!
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-21-09)
Originally posted 10-22-09
So I'm a little late. Deal with it.
I still love you.
AWESOME: Small talk
This stuff really gets a bad rap. Small talk makes the world go round. The only way you ever get to any meaningful deep conversation is by first engaging in small talk.
Plus, it's fun. See somebody you know- say hi! Talk about all the boring, mundane, nothingness that was today. Usually it's a lot more interesting hear somebody else tell you about their day, too. I'm sure they'd appreciate it.
Even if you don't really care it can STILL be fun. See how long you can keep it going without really saying anything. I think my record for small talk with one person has to be like 2 hours.
Small talk is just one step below bullshitting, and a successful bullshit is fun for everyone 100% of the time. And you can small talk in any situation, too, and most of the time, it's completely acceptable.
"Mrs. Geezer, I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thank you so much for coming. We appreciate it so very much."
.....
........
............
"How are the kids?"
"Well, our son Walter just got the manager position at the Piggly-Wiggly."
"Oh, great!"
I know everyone has had or heard someone have a conversation like this.
And if not, I'm sorry, cause they're great. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
But I know what I'm not- bored.
Small talk. Shit's great.
No, actually, it's awesome.
NOT AWESOME: 2012
I am pissed off.
Before I talk about the movie itself, I have to mention this:
Woody Harrelson is in this.
No!!!!
Now, in case you haven't heard, 2012 is an upcoming disaster movie based around speculation about the end of the world concurrent with the end of the Mayan calendar. I don't profess to know anything about the Mayan calendar thing and how that was derived, but what I do know is this:
People have been predicting the end of the world since it began.
So why, why, why, does this particular one have to be made into a blockbuster movie? What's the appeal? It seems so random, you know? Furthermore, why are people believing that this theory has any credibility to it whatsoever?
I, for one, don't give a shit about the Mayans, or their Goddamn calendar.
The world is just as likely to end tomorrow as it is on December 21, 2012. I mean, why not?
Just because a bunch of people said it would end don't mean shit. And if you buy into that, or this movie as a plausible idea, then you've got to buy into this, too:
I say the world's going to end on February 14th, 2100.
"Valentine's Day". Yes, an alien told me from his spaceship that he made up to look like a room at the Holiday Inn.
Most of those last few lines were taken right out of Ghostbusters II (I changed the year). Do you believe it's going to happen now?
No?
Didn't think so.
And I don't mean to say that the Mayan calendar ending is equivalent in any way to the script of Ghostbusters II. (The script for Ghostbusters II is clearly greater than the Mayan calendar) But how many people would honestly know about the Mayan calendar thing if it weren't for the hype this movie is generating?
Practically nobody!!
So, here's my advice with the 2012 thing:
Get on with your damn lives, and if it just so happens the world's gonna end, it doesn't really matter how much time we had to prepare.
Expect to hear more from me about the sheer bullfuckery of this movie, after I go see it. That's right, I want to see it. Just so I can tell you how much ass it sucked. I need to know if this is going to be worst movie ever made.
You know, now that I think about it, I'm positive that the world won't end in 2012. It can't.
Because 2012 comes out this November (2009).
If the world is going to end in 2012, then they don't have NEARLY enough time to make a sequel!
And everybody knows that's what it's all about anyway- Fucking sequels and the end of the world. Not Awesome.
But not true either, so, whatever.
So I'm a little late. Deal with it.
I still love you.
AWESOME: Small talk
This stuff really gets a bad rap. Small talk makes the world go round. The only way you ever get to any meaningful deep conversation is by first engaging in small talk.
Plus, it's fun. See somebody you know- say hi! Talk about all the boring, mundane, nothingness that was today. Usually it's a lot more interesting hear somebody else tell you about their day, too. I'm sure they'd appreciate it.
Even if you don't really care it can STILL be fun. See how long you can keep it going without really saying anything. I think my record for small talk with one person has to be like 2 hours.
Small talk is just one step below bullshitting, and a successful bullshit is fun for everyone 100% of the time. And you can small talk in any situation, too, and most of the time, it's completely acceptable.
"Mrs. Geezer, I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thank you so much for coming. We appreciate it so very much."
.....
........
............
"How are the kids?"
"Well, our son Walter just got the manager position at the Piggly-Wiggly."
"Oh, great!"
I know everyone has had or heard someone have a conversation like this.
And if not, I'm sorry, cause they're great. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
But I know what I'm not- bored.
Small talk. Shit's great.
No, actually, it's awesome.
NOT AWESOME: 2012
I am pissed off.
Before I talk about the movie itself, I have to mention this:
Woody Harrelson is in this.
No!!!!
Now, in case you haven't heard, 2012 is an upcoming disaster movie based around speculation about the end of the world concurrent with the end of the Mayan calendar. I don't profess to know anything about the Mayan calendar thing and how that was derived, but what I do know is this:
People have been predicting the end of the world since it began.
So why, why, why, does this particular one have to be made into a blockbuster movie? What's the appeal? It seems so random, you know? Furthermore, why are people believing that this theory has any credibility to it whatsoever?
I, for one, don't give a shit about the Mayans, or their Goddamn calendar.
The world is just as likely to end tomorrow as it is on December 21, 2012. I mean, why not?
Just because a bunch of people said it would end don't mean shit. And if you buy into that, or this movie as a plausible idea, then you've got to buy into this, too:
I say the world's going to end on February 14th, 2100.
"Valentine's Day". Yes, an alien told me from his spaceship that he made up to look like a room at the Holiday Inn.
Most of those last few lines were taken right out of Ghostbusters II (I changed the year). Do you believe it's going to happen now?
No?
Didn't think so.
And I don't mean to say that the Mayan calendar ending is equivalent in any way to the script of Ghostbusters II. (The script for Ghostbusters II is clearly greater than the Mayan calendar) But how many people would honestly know about the Mayan calendar thing if it weren't for the hype this movie is generating?
Practically nobody!!
So, here's my advice with the 2012 thing:
Get on with your damn lives, and if it just so happens the world's gonna end, it doesn't really matter how much time we had to prepare.
Expect to hear more from me about the sheer bullfuckery of this movie, after I go see it. That's right, I want to see it. Just so I can tell you how much ass it sucked. I need to know if this is going to be worst movie ever made.
You know, now that I think about it, I'm positive that the world won't end in 2012. It can't.
Because 2012 comes out this November (2009).
If the world is going to end in 2012, then they don't have NEARLY enough time to make a sequel!
And everybody knows that's what it's all about anyway- Fucking sequels and the end of the world. Not Awesome.
But not true either, so, whatever.
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-20-09)
Originally posted 10-20-09
You know what makes a good intro to Awesome/Not Awesome?
That's right- a fucking commercial!
So go to www.awesomestarck.blogspot.com starting Monday, Oct. 26th, to catch all the new Awesome/Not Awesome and Awesome Reviews.
Now, onto the shit!
AWESOME: Fire
We're sticking simple today, and going with one of the most awesome basic "elements" there is- fire.
Aside from the occasional death and loss of home, everything about fire is awesome. It looks cool, it fucks shit up, you can cook food and burn shit with it. I mean, what more could you ask for?
Fire is so cool they have based superheroes/villains around it. Even fire Pokemon were cool.
Well, they were cool-looking anyway.
But not very useful.
I'm talking first generation. The good stuff.
Oh, what? Like you didn't play Pokemon when it first came out?
Don't judge.
But fire is more than a force of destruction- although that's all it really needs to be awesome.
So the story goes, knowledge and tools/technology came about when cavemen stumbled across fire and used it. I much prefer the story of the ridiculously-named Prometheus, the god who supplied man with fire and thus knowledge. As punishment, Zeus bound him to a mountain where buzzards ate his liver by day and he healed by night- only to be eaten again the next day. Forever. All because of fire.
That's pretty fucking cool, right?
And, having fire, how long do you think it took us to figure out we could kill each other with it?
Almost immediately! Remember the beginning of Gladiator?
Bitching.
On a related note, fire can sometimes lead to explosions. And it goes without saying that explosions are awesome (although I probably will tell you they are awesome at a later time, ANYWAY).
So, I think now comes the part where I tell you that I am not a pyromaniac nor do I encourage anyone else to burn/blow up anything.
But some part of me has always wanted to see, say, a car, blow up.
Does that make me a bad person?
WHO CARES! It's so awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Michael Jackson
Just checking:
Michael Jackson is still dead, right?
Did anybody tell TV Guide? Or E!?
I have heard more about Michael Jackson since his death in July or August or whenever the hell it was than I have in the ten years prior to his death.
He hasn't made any good music in that span either.
And yet, the publicity on his death is ridiculous! Reports going on about his last recorded concert, this reporter got the last picture of Michael's face, blah blah bleh.
Who the fuck cares? He's dead. And his career was dead long before he was.
So again, I ask:
What's with the publicity?
Do you know how many of his children he'd have to dangle out of windows to generate this kind of round of the clock coverage on TV Guide?
The occasional trip down memory lane with the Jackson Five in the late 70s is actually pretty cool.
But ever since then, he's been over-saturated in the media.
The same sort of thing is going on with Madonna. I guarentee the biggest Madonna news story we're going to have in the next x years is her death. She's been irrelevant in popular music for years, but we'll "mourn" her like the nation mourned when JFK was assassinated. For no fucking reason, of course.
And it's not Michael Jackson was a good person. He did many, many questionable things, most of which were probably illegal, all of which were immoral. But I guess all that goes away after you die.
If only O.J. Simpson made pop music, then we could mourn his death, too.
No? Analogy not working for you?
Well, where do you draw the line? What wrongful acts can you do but still be remembered in the media like you were a saint, or a diplomatic figure focused on world peace, or some shit like that?
More importantly, regardless of MJ's cultural and societal impact,
he'd been dead for months!
STOP IT!
HE AIN'T COMING BACK.
I don't care about his estate, his family, his potential murder, none of that.
Leave that shit to his family and lawyers.
As for the rest of us, let's get on with our lives.
And for fuck's sake, TV GUIDE, I just want to see what's on!
You know what makes a good intro to Awesome/Not Awesome?
That's right- a fucking commercial!
So go to www.awesomestarck.blogspot
Now, onto the shit!
AWESOME: Fire
We're sticking simple today, and going with one of the most awesome basic "elements" there is- fire.
Aside from the occasional death and loss of home, everything about fire is awesome. It looks cool, it fucks shit up, you can cook food and burn shit with it. I mean, what more could you ask for?
Fire is so cool they have based superheroes/villains around it. Even fire Pokemon were cool.
Well, they were cool-looking anyway.
But not very useful.
I'm talking first generation. The good stuff.
Oh, what? Like you didn't play Pokemon when it first came out?
Don't judge.
But fire is more than a force of destruction- although that's all it really needs to be awesome.
So the story goes, knowledge and tools/technology came about when cavemen stumbled across fire and used it. I much prefer the story of the ridiculously-named Prometheus, the god who supplied man with fire and thus knowledge. As punishment, Zeus bound him to a mountain where buzzards ate his liver by day and he healed by night- only to be eaten again the next day. Forever. All because of fire.
That's pretty fucking cool, right?
And, having fire, how long do you think it took us to figure out we could kill each other with it?
Almost immediately! Remember the beginning of Gladiator?
Bitching.
On a related note, fire can sometimes lead to explosions. And it goes without saying that explosions are awesome (although I probably will tell you they are awesome at a later time, ANYWAY).
So, I think now comes the part where I tell you that I am not a pyromaniac nor do I encourage anyone else to burn/blow up anything.
But some part of me has always wanted to see, say, a car, blow up.
Does that make me a bad person?
WHO CARES! It's so awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Michael Jackson
Just checking:
Michael Jackson is still dead, right?
Did anybody tell TV Guide? Or E!?
I have heard more about Michael Jackson since his death in July or August or whenever the hell it was than I have in the ten years prior to his death.
He hasn't made any good music in that span either.
And yet, the publicity on his death is ridiculous! Reports going on about his last recorded concert, this reporter got the last picture of Michael's face, blah blah bleh.
Who the fuck cares? He's dead. And his career was dead long before he was.
So again, I ask:
What's with the publicity?
Do you know how many of his children he'd have to dangle out of windows to generate this kind of round of the clock coverage on TV Guide?
The occasional trip down memory lane with the Jackson Five in the late 70s is actually pretty cool.
But ever since then, he's been over-saturated in the media.
The same sort of thing is going on with Madonna. I guarentee the biggest Madonna news story we're going to have in the next x years is her death. She's been irrelevant in popular music for years, but we'll "mourn" her like the nation mourned when JFK was assassinated. For no fucking reason, of course.
And it's not Michael Jackson was a good person. He did many, many questionable things, most of which were probably illegal, all of which were immoral. But I guess all that goes away after you die.
If only O.J. Simpson made pop music, then we could mourn his death, too.
No? Analogy not working for you?
Well, where do you draw the line? What wrongful acts can you do but still be remembered in the media like you were a saint, or a diplomatic figure focused on world peace, or some shit like that?
More importantly, regardless of MJ's cultural and societal impact,
he'd been dead for months!
STOP IT!
HE AIN'T COMING BACK.
I don't care about his estate, his family, his potential murder, none of that.
Leave that shit to his family and lawyers.
As for the rest of us, let's get on with our lives.
And for fuck's sake, TV GUIDE, I just want to see what's on!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-19-09)
You may remember last week (10-12-09) when I said I wouldn’t pay attention to the Buffalo Bills until they fire their head coach, Dick Jauron.
But old habitsdie hard . And I got to see the Bills win in OT against the Jets. In the Meadowlands by the way.
So yes, I’m a liar.
But, if it makes up for it all- I STILL think Dick Jauron should be fired. Enough of that.
AWESOME- Swine Flu
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
Really? Really, starckie?
Yes! Here’s the thing:
I have not gotten sick yet. I always get sick. And why do you think I’ve been able to avoid disease this far into October?
Because the swine flu has everyone so worked up, precautions against ANY disease are through the roof. Hygiene is wayyy up, particularly washing your hands and shit like that. And as anyone who knows me will tell you, I HATE having shit on my hands.
But somehow the swine flu has still made its way into our communities, despite our best efforts. But do we give up?
Fuck no, we quarantine them until they are well over the disease and well past the contagious stage. I have never been happier, because that’s probably the number one why others get sick- some douche bag has to come into school or work with his communicable illness, and he just has to touch every fucking thing in the damn place. And then one of us touches it, and now we’re sick, and the cycle repeats itself, because it takes a day to figure out we’re sick with it too.
Well, I say fuck that shit. And to my surprise, everybody else said that too. And fuck that shit we did.
“This ol’ swine flu ain’t got shit on us.”
I realize it’s only mid-October, and we’ve got a long way to go. But I’m encouraged.
Plus, the Church has banned drinking from the Cup, and extending a handshake during the sign of peace as a precaution, making for some very awkward, very funny, exchanges. It’s something like this:
“We now offer each other a sign of peace.”
“Um…. Hi.”
I actually saw somebody literally give the peace sign. Now that’s fucking awesome.
So, swine flu, thank you- nothing changes policies like crippling fear.
NOT AWESOME: Restroom Symbols
This is something I plain don't get. How about just writing "Men" and "Women" on the doors? Or even just "M" and "W"? That'll get the job done.
The worst thing that could happen is the screws holding the W come lose and it flips over to M. And how often does THAT happen?
My real issue is the symbols though, which are stupid and potentially confusing.
First, the men symbol. It's just some silhouette of a person with no distinguishing characteristics. There is no indication it's a man. Plus, it looks like he's naked! I know they are going for simplicity, but this is ridiculous. There's no reason it couldn't be a woman.
And if that's not enough for ya, the women symbol is far worse. It's a person in a dress.
That's it? That's what define women as such. The dress.
I guess we want to reinforce stereotypes from the 50s that all women must look cutesy and proper in a dress.
What if you're a woman wearing pants (gasp!) and you took the pictures literally?
You'd go into the men's room!
But worse still, it kinda looks the same man from the men symbol just put on a dress! It's very possible the woman is actually a man in drag. Now that's a scary thought.
And if you are a man in drag, then how the fuck do you figure out which bathroom to use?!
Luckily, I have a solution. If you're going to rely on symbols to identify restrooms, then make the men's symbol a silhouette of a cock. No fucking around here- you got a dick, you go in here.
For the women it's a bit harder- the silhouette thing doesn't really work. So, ladies, with no offense intended, I propose we make the women's symbol the men's symbol with one of those "no" and "anti" symbols over it. Like in the Ghostbusters logo.
Now, how would you ever get confused with that?!
I think even ambiguous cases of sex would be able to figure that out.
So, when you see the restroom symbols, think of a cock or no-cock symbol. If that doesn't solve the problem, I don't know what will. And I find that pretty damn awesome.
But old habits
So yes, I’m a liar.
But, if it makes up for it all- I STILL think Dick Jauron should be fired. Enough of that.
AWESOME- Swine Flu
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
Really? Really, starckie?
Yes! Here’s the thing:
I have not gotten sick yet. I always get sick. And why do you think I’ve been able to avoid disease this far into October?
Because the swine flu has everyone so worked up, precautions against ANY disease are through the roof. Hygiene is wayyy up, particularly washing your hands and shit like that. And as anyone who knows me will tell you, I HATE having shit on my hands.
But somehow the swine flu has still made its way into our communities, despite our best efforts. But do we give up?
Fuck no, we quarantine them until they are well over the disease and well past the contagious stage. I have never been happier, because that’s probably the number one why others get sick- some douche bag has to come into school or work with his communicable illness, and he just has to touch every fucking thing in the damn place. And then one of us touches it, and now we’re sick, and the cycle repeats itself, because it takes a day to figure out we’re sick with it too.
Well, I say fuck that shit. And to my surprise, everybody else said that too. And fuck that shit we did.
“This ol’ swine flu ain’t got shit on us.”
I realize it’s only mid-October, and we’ve got a long way to go. But I’m encouraged.
Plus, the Church has banned drinking from the Cup, and extending a handshake during the sign of peace as a precaution, making for some very awkward, very funny, exchanges. It’s something like this:
“We now offer each other a sign of peace.”
“Um…. Hi.”
I actually saw somebody literally give the peace sign. Now that’s fucking awesome.
So, swine flu, thank you- nothing changes policies like crippling fear.
NOT AWESOME: Restroom Symbols
This is something I plain don't get. How about just writing "Men" and "Women" on the doors? Or even just "M" and "W"? That'll get the job done.
The worst thing that could happen is the screws holding the W come lose and it flips over to M. And how often does THAT happen?
My real issue is the symbols though, which are stupid and potentially confusing.
First, the men symbol. It's just some silhouette of a person with no distinguishing characteristics. There is no indication it's a man. Plus, it looks like he's naked! I know they are going for simplicity, but this is ridiculous. There's no reason it couldn't be a woman.
And if that's not enough for ya, the women symbol is far worse. It's a person in a dress.
That's it? That's what define women as such. The dress.
I guess we want to reinforce stereotypes from the 50s that all women must look cutesy and proper in a dress.
What if you're a woman wearing pants (gasp!) and you took the pictures literally?
You'd go into the men's room!
But worse still, it kinda looks the same man from the men symbol just put on a dress! It's very possible the woman is actually a man in drag. Now that's a scary thought.
And if you are a man in drag, then how the fuck do you figure out which bathroom to use?!
Luckily, I have a solution. If you're going to rely on symbols to identify restrooms, then make the men's symbol a silhouette of a cock. No fucking around here- you got a dick, you go in here.
For the women it's a bit harder- the silhouette thing doesn't really work. So, ladies, with no offense intended, I propose we make the women's symbol the men's symbol with one of those "no" and "anti" symbols over it. Like in the Ghostbusters logo.
Now, how would you ever get confused with that?!
I think even ambiguous cases of sex would be able to figure that out.
So, when you see the restroom symbols, think of a cock or no-cock symbol. If that doesn't solve the problem, I don't know what will. And I find that pretty damn awesome.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-16-09)
Want to know a secret?
I am the most awesome thing to have ever existed. Thus, all of you should read my posts, and continue to read them after they make the transition to http://awesomestarck.blogspot.com/ .
What better way is there to gain awesomeness yourself?
Answer: there is no better way, other than to hope and pray that some of my awesomeness rubs off on you.
I am going to hell.
AWESOME: Disclaimers
You most often see disclaimers when you encounter material that some people deem offensive.
For example, you see a disclaimer on CD’s in the form of “Parental Advisory”. Ironically, these are not seen on the most offensive examples of modern day popular music. I am not referring to explicit lyrics or questionable material, but I am, of course, referring to music that literally makes you stupider for having listened to it.
I could list this material now, but instead I invite you to look at the Billboard Hot 100. They’ve perfected the art of listing mostly shitty music, in increasing order of how much brain damage a particular song will cause. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but most people are so damaged they cannot recognize them.
Bottom line- We need a parental advisory sticker that says:
THIS IS SHIT!
Or
YOU WILL LAUGH AT YOURSELF FOR HAVING BOUGHT THIS. SOONER OR LATER IT WILL HAPPEN. TRUST ME.
But enough about that, I’m here to talk about how awesome disclaimers are. So why are they so awesome?
Because when a disclaimer is put in front of anything, you are given complete freedom to do whatever you want. I mean, WHATEVER you want.
And I don’t really know when this was made a rule, but apparently if, before a TV show airs, they say something to the effect of:
“Material may be offensive to some viewers.”
Then they covered their asses. If you don’t like what you see, then you’re an asshole.
Guy 1: That joke about transvestite postal workers was way out of line!
Guy 2: Ooooohhhh, well SOME people didn’t like that, so I guess no one can think it’s funny.
Guy 1: I didn’t say th-
Guy 2: Dick.
It’s the greatest! Seriously.
Actually no, wait, there are better examples.
Somehow, disclaimers can be built right into conversation. Like,….
“Pardon my French….”
After you say that, you’re in the clear. Those three little words, usually followed by “but” and then whatever you damn well feel like saying, no matter how ridiculous, and it’s totally acceptable.
“Pardon my French, but if the Goddamn Polish had a little more determination and BALLS, we would have never had to send so many Americans to their fuckin’ graves over there.”
The intro says it all. Now, some of you may still take offense to that, but it’s not nearly as offensive as it would be sans-PMF.
But still, that’s not my favorite one. That would be “No homo.”
No homo. That sounds offensive by itself.
That’s right- the disclaimer itself is offensive.
But still, it gets quite a bit of use. And it’s the only disclaimer I know of that can be used completely contradictory, and still be socially acceptable.
I was curious how far you could take this, so I have on two separate occasions tried to do something blatantly homoerotic and still see if “No homo” would cover it.
So, once, I walked into a crowded room and yelled “I LOVE COCK!”
Everyone, naturally, stared at me.
“No homo.”
Oh, oh, okay.
It wasn’t that smooth, but people were a bit more accepting. I don’t know what that says about people, but I’ll tell you what it says about the disclaimer- powerful shit!
The second time I wanted to go for broke. So I walked up to this (male) friend of mine and took a quick grab at his crotch. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually do it, but I made it look like I did. And all I had to do was say “No homo”, and it, too, was more acceptable than it had been.
So, yes, all hope for humanity is lost.
The biggest irony is that no gay person would ever act, in normal circumstances, gay enough to warrant its use.
Or would they even bother to say it if they did? Sounds like an identity crisis at that point.
But, my goal is not to disparage the gay people, who after all, are awesome (10-8-09). The point is disclaimers kick ass, so much so that they should have their own disclaimer:
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WARNING IS SO AWESOME IT MAY OFFEND SOME READERS.
NOT AWESOME: Obituaries
They’re so boring!
It’s always, somebody died. They were this many years old, their still-living family and friends are really sad, blah blah blah.
It’s always the same thing, over and over again.
Well, my name’s starckie and the bullshit stops here. This problem must be solved, and I have a solution.
Make up shit about their lives. Especially if their death was untimely or due to very, very, ordinary circumstances.
For example, I have a major problem with the phrase, “passed away peacefully.”
BOOOOORRRRRRINNGGGGGGGG.
Passed away peacefully? Get that shit out of year. Doesn’t this sound better?
“The ol’ Geezer was surrounded by his family and friends, as well as a local minister, Fr. Priest. Being raised a Catholic in his youth, Mr. Geezer had a falling-out with God and the Catholic Church due to his some of his personal views that did not coincide with Church teaching. Becoming an outcast, he wrote off God as a possibility, and continued to hold this stance even when he was drafted and served in the Korean War, but now that death was most certainly hanging over him, he finally had to answer that question once and for all: What do you believe, Mr. Geezer? As he stared into the faces of his children and grandchildren, he saw something, some inescapable quality about them; it was something he had failed to see in other human beings for quite some time- in fact, since before the Battle of Osan- he saw himself. He saw love. He saw that life is and always will be good, even in our darkest hours. And so, as Fr. Priest invoked Last Rites, Mr. Geezer finally came to terms with what he believed. He shared one last, final tranquil moment with his loved ones; and as he breathed his last, he now knew for certain that:
There is no God, and his lifeless, soulless body will be spending eternity six feet under. Nothing more, nothing less.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Shittyburg Veterans of Foreign Wars, #____.”
Now, that’s a fucking obituary. Wouldn’t you be more interested in reading that every day in the paper?
I know I would. Cause it sounds so awesome…!
I am the most awesome thing to have ever existed. Thus, all of you should read my posts, and continue to read them after they make the transition to http://awesomestarck.blogs
What better way is there to gain awesomeness yourself?
Answer: there is no better way, other than to hope and pray that some of my awesomeness rubs off on you.
I am going to hell.
AWESOME: Disclaimers
You most often see disclaimers when you encounter material that some people deem offensive.
For example, you see a disclaimer on CD’s in the form of “Parental Advisory”. Ironically, these are not seen on the most offensive examples of modern day popular music. I am not referring to explicit lyrics or questionable material, but I am, of course, referring to music that literally makes you stupider for having listened to it.
I could list this material now, but instead I invite you to look at the Billboard Hot 100. They’ve perfected the art of listing mostly shitty music, in increasing order of how much brain damage a particular song will cause. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but most people are so damaged they cannot recognize them.
Bottom line- We need a parental advisory sticker that says:
THIS IS SHIT!
Or
YOU WILL LAUGH AT YOURSELF FOR HAVING BOUGHT THIS. SOONER OR LATER IT WILL HAPPEN. TRUST ME.
But enough about that, I’m here to talk about how awesome disclaimers are. So why are they so awesome?
Because when a disclaimer is put in front of anything, you are given complete freedom to do whatever you want. I mean, WHATEVER you want.
And I don’t really know when this was made a rule, but apparently if, before a TV show airs, they say something to the effect of:
“Material may be offensive to some viewers.”
Then they covered their asses. If you don’t like what you see, then you’re an asshole.
Guy 1: That joke about transvestite postal workers was way out of line!
Guy 2: Ooooohhhh, well SOME people didn’t like that, so I guess no one can think it’s funny.
Guy 1: I didn’t say th-
Guy 2: Dick.
It’s the greatest! Seriously.
Actually no, wait, there are better examples.
Somehow, disclaimers can be built right into conversation. Like,….
“Pardon my French….”
After you say that, you’re in the clear. Those three little words, usually followed by “but” and then whatever you damn well feel like saying, no matter how ridiculous, and it’s totally acceptable.
“Pardon my French, but if the Goddamn Polish had a little more determination and BALLS, we would have never had to send so many Americans to their fuckin’ graves over there.”
The intro says it all. Now, some of you may still take offense to that, but it’s not nearly as offensive as it would be sans-PMF.
But still, that’s not my favorite one. That would be “No homo.”
No homo. That sounds offensive by itself.
That’s right- the disclaimer itself is offensive.
But still, it gets quite a bit of use. And it’s the only disclaimer I know of that can be used completely contradictory, and still be socially acceptable.
I was curious how far you could take this, so I have on two separate occasions tried to do something blatantly homoerotic and still see if “No homo” would cover it.
So, once, I walked into a crowded room and yelled “I LOVE COCK!”
Everyone, naturally, stared at me.
“No homo.”
Oh, oh, okay.
It wasn’t that smooth, but people were a bit more accepting. I don’t know what that says about people, but I’ll tell you what it says about the disclaimer- powerful shit!
The second time I wanted to go for broke. So I walked up to this (male) friend of mine and took a quick grab at his crotch. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually do it, but I made it look like I did. And all I had to do was say “No homo”, and it, too, was more acceptable than it had been.
So, yes, all hope for humanity is lost.
The biggest irony is that no gay person would ever act, in normal circumstances, gay enough to warrant its use.
Or would they even bother to say it if they did? Sounds like an identity crisis at that point.
But, my goal is not to disparage the gay people, who after all, are awesome (10-8-09). The point is disclaimers kick ass, so much so that they should have their own disclaimer:
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WARNING IS SO AWESOME IT MAY OFFEND SOME READERS.
NOT AWESOME: Obituaries
They’re so boring!
It’s always, somebody died. They were this many years old, their still-living family and friends are really sad, blah blah blah.
It’s always the same thing, over and over again.
Well, my name’s starckie and the bullshit stops here. This problem must be solved, and I have a solution.
Make up shit about their lives. Especially if their death was untimely or due to very, very, ordinary circumstances.
For example, I have a major problem with the phrase, “passed away peacefully.”
BOOOOORRRRRRINNGGGGGGGG.
Passed away peacefully? Get that shit out of year. Doesn’t this sound better?
“The ol’ Geezer was surrounded by his family and friends, as well as a local minister, Fr. Priest. Being raised a Catholic in his youth, Mr. Geezer had a falling-out with God and the Catholic Church due to his some of his personal views that did not coincide with Church teaching. Becoming an outcast, he wrote off God as a possibility, and continued to hold this stance even when he was drafted and served in the Korean War, but now that death was most certainly hanging over him, he finally had to answer that question once and for all: What do you believe, Mr. Geezer? As he stared into the faces of his children and grandchildren, he saw something, some inescapable quality about them; it was something he had failed to see in other human beings for quite some time- in fact, since before the Battle of Osan- he saw himself. He saw love. He saw that life is and always will be good, even in our darkest hours. And so, as Fr. Priest invoked Last Rites, Mr. Geezer finally came to terms with what he believed. He shared one last, final tranquil moment with his loved ones; and as he breathed his last, he now knew for certain that:
There is no God, and his lifeless, soulless body will be spending eternity six feet under. Nothing more, nothing less.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Shittyburg Veterans of Foreign Wars, #____.”
Now, that’s a fucking obituary. Wouldn’t you be more interested in reading that every day in the paper?
I know I would. Cause it sounds so awesome…!
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-15-09)
Originally posted 10-15-09
Well, I was going to write about how much it sucks to have snow in mid-October.
But it looks like everybody and their brother is writing about that.
Oh, no- my mistake- they’re writing about how COOL is it to have snow in mid-October.
You know what’s not awesome? THOSE PEOPLE!
AWESOME: Army Time
I know I’m in the minority with this one, but I honestly believe that this is more logical.
It might not happen all that often, but there are times where you get confused with the time of the day. Somebody will tell you that something is going on at 9.
9 what?
A.M.? P.M.?
…..F.M.?
Maybe I’m looking too far into it, but as with most things in the army, they don’t dick around with time.
What time is that Goddamn thing you’re supposed to do this weekend?
2100. No confusion with that.
That means 9 P.M. all you readers not mathematically or common sensically inclined.
No way you could ever confuse 0900 with 2100. Two of those numbers are completely different!
Plus it sounds way cooler. Twenty-one hundred hours. Nine P.M.
C’mon, it’s not even close.
So yes, army time makes more sense by reducing confusion and, more importantly, increasing awesomeness.
“And that’s why I use it too”.
NOT AWESOME: Mechanical Pencils
Why?
Pencils are one of the simplest tools mankind has ever produced. It’s one step above dipping a feather in ink.
It is a small cylindrical piece of wood with a thinner cylinder of lead in the middle. Now, you’d think it would be a pain in the ass to sharpen such an object, but we have automatic and manual sharpeners.
It’s very easy.
And the tips only occasionally break! Really, pencils are doing well for themselves.
Until SOMEBODY decided that we need to unnecessarily complicate my most beloved writing utensil.
And that somebody was the inventor of the mechanical pencil. And so I ask, yet again, why?
What’s wrong with the regular pencil????
Furthermore, mechanical pencils don’t seem all that reliable to me. Has this situation happened to you?
You’re writing on your test paper with your mechanical pencil. But then- gasp!- the lead runs out. WHAT DO YOU DO?
If you don’t have a spare mechanical pencil (or pencil) you’re screwed. Or are you?
Ha! You’ve found your spare box of lead for your mechanical pencil. You grab one- too quickly- and it breaks.
Shit.
You grab another more carefully, and go to put it in your MP. You get it in, and you hit the bottom of the MP to push the lead up. You begin to write and-
Snap.
FUCK!
Too much pressure on too much lead.
You hit the bottom again, and now finally start writing on your test again. Crisis resolved.
You know who never has to deal with that situation?
THIS FUCKING GUY!
Uh.... me.
Here’s what happens if you use pencils. And before I start, anyone who uses pencils always carries more than one sharpened pencils with it.
So, same situation. You’re writing on your test paper with your pencil. But then- your tip breaks! Oh, no….
So you grab another pencil and keep going!
Or, if this happens to all of your pencils….
You grab your little manual sharpener and get cranking.
Problem solved in 20 seconds, tops.
Now……………
Having said all that,
WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE MECHANICAL PENCILS?! THEY’RE WORSE IN ALMOST EVERY WAY.
This is the smallest instance of the ill-effects of modernization. It looks shiny and better than the original, thus it follows it must be better.
No, no, no. Pencils kick ass.
Mechanical pencils- not so much. Some, like me, would say they’re not awesome.
And don’t you forget it!
Well, I was going to write about how much it sucks to have snow in mid-October.
But it looks like everybody and their brother is writing about that.
Oh, no- my mistake- they’re writing about how COOL is it to have snow in mid-October.
You know what’s not awesome? THOSE PEOPLE!
AWESOME: Army Time
I know I’m in the minority with this one, but I honestly believe that this is more logical.
It might not happen all that often, but there are times where you get confused with the time of the day. Somebody will tell you that something is going on at 9.
9 what?
A.M.? P.M.?
…..F.M.?
Maybe I’m looking too far into it, but as with most things in the army, they don’t dick around with time.
What time is that Goddamn thing you’re supposed to do this weekend?
2100. No confusion with that.
That means 9 P.M. all you readers not mathematically or common sensically inclined.
No way you could ever confuse 0900 with 2100. Two of those numbers are completely different!
Plus it sounds way cooler. Twenty-one hundred hours. Nine P.M.
C’mon, it’s not even close.
So yes, army time makes more sense by reducing confusion and, more importantly, increasing awesomeness.
“And that’s why I use it too”.
NOT AWESOME: Mechanical Pencils
Why?
Pencils are one of the simplest tools mankind has ever produced. It’s one step above dipping a feather in ink.
It is a small cylindrical piece of wood with a thinner cylinder of lead in the middle. Now, you’d think it would be a pain in the ass to sharpen such an object, but we have automatic and manual sharpeners.
It’s very easy.
And the tips only occasionally break! Really, pencils are doing well for themselves.
Until SOMEBODY decided that we need to unnecessarily complicate my most beloved writing utensil.
And that somebody was the inventor of the mechanical pencil. And so I ask, yet again, why?
What’s wrong with the regular pencil????
Furthermore, mechanical pencils don’t seem all that reliable to me. Has this situation happened to you?
You’re writing on your test paper with your mechanical pencil. But then- gasp!- the lead runs out. WHAT DO YOU DO?
If you don’t have a spare mechanical pencil (or pencil) you’re screwed. Or are you?
Ha! You’ve found your spare box of lead for your mechanical pencil. You grab one- too quickly- and it breaks.
Shit.
You grab another more carefully, and go to put it in your MP. You get it in, and you hit the bottom of the MP to push the lead up. You begin to write and-
Snap.
FUCK!
Too much pressure on too much lead.
You hit the bottom again, and now finally start writing on your test again. Crisis resolved.
You know who never has to deal with that situation?
THIS FUCKING GUY!
Uh.... me.
Here’s what happens if you use pencils. And before I start, anyone who uses pencils always carries more than one sharpened pencils with it.
So, same situation. You’re writing on your test paper with your pencil. But then- your tip breaks! Oh, no….
So you grab another pencil and keep going!
Or, if this happens to all of your pencils….
You grab your little manual sharpener and get cranking.
Problem solved in 20 seconds, tops.
Now……………
Having said all that,
WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE MECHANICAL PENCILS?! THEY’RE WORSE IN ALMOST EVERY WAY.
This is the smallest instance of the ill-effects of modernization. It looks shiny and better than the original, thus it follows it must be better.
No, no, no. Pencils kick ass.
Mechanical pencils- not so much. Some, like me, would say they’re not awesome.
And don’t you forget it!
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-14-09)
Originally posted 10-14-09
Cutting it close.
AWESOME: Chicago
Don’t get too excited, all 4 of you Renee Zellweger enthusiasts. No I’m not talking about the musical or the movie.
I’m not even talking about the city, although I like the city of Chicago a lot.
I’m talking about the band formed in 1967 (then under the name Chicago Transit Authority) and still going strong. Chicago kicks ass, and you probably don’t need me to tell you.
Oh, no, wait, you DO need me to tell you, because so many kids these days don’t know good music.
Well, here’s your fucking wake-up call, turn off your prerecorded drum machine and looped synth samples and put one of Chicago’s TWENTY-ONE studio albums on. Get ready for some actual music.
You just gotta love their soft rock, jazz, and blues sound they got going on. “Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is?” is a great example of this music at its best.
Now, Chicago, unfortunately but predictably has fallen from popularity since the 70s and 80s, and their incredibly prolific pace of making good music really died out in the mid 90s (although they have still released singles to this day).
I would be nuts to sit here and tell you that Chicago will be mainstream Billboard popular again. But I can damn well try! And here’s how you do it:
Put Chicago songs on Rock Band/Guitar Hero.
Much lesser talent has become repopularized thanks to those games. I’m certain it would work for Chicago (unless it’s been tried already and hasn’t… worked).
My recommendation “25 or 6 to 4”: Rocking vocals, kick-ass guitar and even a lengthy bass solo. There’s so much shit going on it’s hard to pick out the drums at times. Obviously Chicago’s very prominent horn section would not be able to be directly playable, but that’s not a problem.
Am I one of the few members of the current college generation that still respects and listens to this legendary band? Is all hope lost?
Well….. probably. Even though I have to believe everyone in America alive for any period of time between 1967 and the present has listened to a Chicago song, I don’t think there are many people that realize the significance they have to music in general, particularly in America.
They are second only to the Beach Boys in singles and albums (for American bands).
Sigh. Chicago. How I love thee. It’s only the beginning.
Now, I couldn’t just move to the Not Awesome without mentioning this:
Chicago is also responsible for one of the greatest “last words” in the history of the world, and I can only joke about it because I wasn’t alive when it happened:
(Note: It isn’t exactly known what he said, but this is what I’ve always heard)
Founding member of Chicago Terry Kath (1978): “It isn’t even loaded. See?”
You fill in the blanks. Pun intended.
NOT AWESOME: People Who Have Really Intellectual Conversations Really Loudly So As To Draw Attention to Themselves and Their Awesome Minds
“Look at me! I’m smart! We’re smart! We’re debating the existence of God!”
Yeah, great. Could you do it over there?
Now, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love having philosophical conversations, even about things that shouldn’t be discussed philosophically (see: Why I am a Buffalo Bills fan).
Conversations can bring to light your own flaws in logic, while allowing you to hear viewpoints contrary to your own. Maybe evidence will be brought to light so that you decide to change your own personal beliefs about an area.
All this is good.
Now here’s what ISN’T good:
“So yeah this kid’s like well blah blah therefore blah blah empirical blah and I was like ‘bullshit!’ That’s an argument for this not that! I mean, c’mon, what were you thinking?”
“Haha yeah totally that kid has no idea what he’s talking about”
Har-dee-har-har.
Maybe everybody in the room doesn’t give a shit about your conversation. Could you keep it down? If it were something truly important, then feel free to scream it loudly and proudly. For example, if you walk into a room and say:
“President Obama just signed a law that bans the use of silent letters!”
That would be something most people would be interested in. Even if only to say, “why?”
But if you burst into a room and go:
“What is truth?!??!?!?!?! This kid has no fucking idea!”
I’m going to stare at you. And many other people will too. And we will be very angry at you for interrupting our conversation and/or concentration.
Now, maybe you get your kicks out of philosophy, as I occasionally do. That’s good. I’m glad to hear that you’re thinking. But there are other things going on right now, how about some fucking respect?
You know how pissed off people would be at me if I yelled:
I CAN’T FIGURE OUT THE WHY THE POISSON PROBABILITY DISTRIBUTION IS A SHITTY ESTIMATE FOR THE BINOMIAL PROBABILITY DISTRIBUTION! THEY SAID IT WOULD BE BUT IT ISN’T. I’M GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW, AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO JOIN TO THINK ABOUT THE ABSTRACT CONCEPT, THAT’D BE GREAT. MEET ME OVER HERE SO WE CAN YELL ABOUT IT!
That would be shitty, wouldn’t you say?
So keep your Goddamn epiphanies to yourself, ya fuck.
I got shit to do.
These Awesome/Not Awesome’s don’t write themselves you know.
Fucking Goddamn….shit.
Cutting it close.
AWESOME: Chicago
Don’t get too excited, all 4 of you Renee Zellweger enthusiasts. No I’m not talking about the musical or the movie.
I’m not even talking about the city, although I like the city of Chicago a lot.
I’m talking about the band formed in 1967 (then under the name Chicago Transit Authority) and still going strong. Chicago kicks ass, and you probably don’t need me to tell you.
Oh, no, wait, you DO need me to tell you, because so many kids these days don’t know good music.
Well, here’s your fucking wake-up call, turn off your prerecorded drum machine and looped synth samples and put one of Chicago’s TWENTY-ONE studio albums on. Get ready for some actual music.
You just gotta love their soft rock, jazz, and blues sound they got going on. “Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is?” is a great example of this music at its best.
Now, Chicago, unfortunately but predictably has fallen from popularity since the 70s and 80s, and their incredibly prolific pace of making good music really died out in the mid 90s (although they have still released singles to this day).
I would be nuts to sit here and tell you that Chicago will be mainstream Billboard popular again. But I can damn well try! And here’s how you do it:
Put Chicago songs on Rock Band/Guitar Hero.
Much lesser talent has become repopularized thanks to those games. I’m certain it would work for Chicago (unless it’s been tried already and hasn’t… worked).
My recommendation “25 or 6 to 4”: Rocking vocals, kick-ass guitar and even a lengthy bass solo. There’s so much shit going on it’s hard to pick out the drums at times. Obviously Chicago’s very prominent horn section would not be able to be directly playable, but that’s not a problem.
Am I one of the few members of the current college generation that still respects and listens to this legendary band? Is all hope lost?
Well….. probably. Even though I have to believe everyone in America alive for any period of time between 1967 and the present has listened to a Chicago song, I don’t think there are many people that realize the significance they have to music in general, particularly in America.
They are second only to the Beach Boys in singles and albums (for American bands).
Sigh. Chicago. How I love thee. It’s only the beginning.
Now, I couldn’t just move to the Not Awesome without mentioning this:
Chicago is also responsible for one of the greatest “last words” in the history of the world, and I can only joke about it because I wasn’t alive when it happened:
(Note: It isn’t exactly known what he said, but this is what I’ve always heard)
Founding member of Chicago Terry Kath (1978): “It isn’t even loaded. See?”
You fill in the blanks. Pun intended.
NOT AWESOME: People Who Have Really Intellectual Conversations Really Loudly So As To Draw Attention to Themselves and Their Awesome Minds
“Look at me! I’m smart! We’re smart! We’re debating the existence of God!”
Yeah, great. Could you do it over there?
Now, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love having philosophical conversations, even about things that shouldn’t be discussed philosophically (see: Why I am a Buffalo Bills fan).
Conversations can bring to light your own flaws in logic, while allowing you to hear viewpoints contrary to your own. Maybe evidence will be brought to light so that you decide to change your own personal beliefs about an area.
All this is good.
Now here’s what ISN’T good:
“So yeah this kid’s like well blah blah therefore blah blah empirical blah and I was like ‘bullshit!’ That’s an argument for this not that! I mean, c’mon, what were you thinking?”
“Haha yeah totally that kid has no idea what he’s talking about”
Har-dee-har-har.
Maybe everybody in the room doesn’t give a shit about your conversation. Could you keep it down? If it were something truly important, then feel free to scream it loudly and proudly. For example, if you walk into a room and say:
“President Obama just signed a law that bans the use of silent letters!”
That would be something most people would be interested in. Even if only to say, “why?”
But if you burst into a room and go:
“What is truth?!??!?!?!?! This kid has no fucking idea!”
I’m going to stare at you. And many other people will too. And we will be very angry at you for interrupting our conversation and/or concentration.
Now, maybe you get your kicks out of philosophy, as I occasionally do. That’s good. I’m glad to hear that you’re thinking. But there are other things going on right now, how about some fucking respect?
You know how pissed off people would be at me if I yelled:
I CAN’T FIGURE OUT THE WHY THE POISSON PROBABILITY DISTRIBUTION IS A SHITTY ESTIMATE FOR THE BINOMIAL PROBABILITY DISTRIBUTION! THEY SAID IT WOULD BE BUT IT ISN’T. I’M GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW, AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO JOIN TO THINK ABOUT THE ABSTRACT CONCEPT, THAT’D BE GREAT. MEET ME OVER HERE SO WE CAN YELL ABOUT IT!
That would be shitty, wouldn’t you say?
So keep your Goddamn epiphanies to yourself, ya fuck.
I got shit to do.
These Awesome/Not Awesome’s don’t write themselves you know.
Fucking Goddamn….shit.
Awesome Reviews: Zombieland
Originally posted 10-12-09
Maybe some of you remember my Awesome/Not Awesome from 9-30-09:
"But why I am talking about Woody Harrelson? One word: Zombieland. I don't know why I'm so interested in this movie..... but I am guessing it's because late at night, deep into my second REM cycle, I am dreaming about how awesome it would be to see Woody Harrelson killing zombies."
Well, I saw Zombieland tonight. And here's my first Awesome Review:
Zombieland. I hope the title doesn't give away too much!
Getting right into it, we start off watching a young man we will come to know as Columbus trying to escape- you guessed it- zombies.
Columbus, played by Michael Cera-impersonator Jesse Eisenburg, explains that in two months time a virus has destroyed the United States of America, thus creating the United States of Zombieland, where normal people are infected by the diseased zombie people now making up the majority of the residents of the country.
A zombie-creating virus? That sounds so original! It sounds so cool! In fact, it's so cool they should call it THE Virus. Or T-Virus for short. Yeah. T-Virus. Now that's original!
But anyway, enter Tallahassee, played by my boy Woody Harrelson. Tallahassee is a no-questions asked tough guy, born and raised solely on cans of whoop-ass. Tallahassee explains that people are now named after their place of origin or their destination. Thus, Columbus and Tallahassee.
So, they team up to get where they need to go, while Tallahassee chases his dream of finding a Twinkie.
Finding a pair of girls in a grocery store (whilst comedically killing zombies and looking for the ever-elusive forementioned Twinkie), they get conned. The girls, Wichita and Little Rock, played by Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin of Little Miss Sunshine fame, eventually make up a group with our two male comrades, as they try to make their way to Pacific Playland.
Let's take a quick time out: I would like to take this time to personally thank Emma Stone's parents for bringing her to this world.
Now, I don't want to give away too much, but the rest of the movie after this point is the fucking shit. The California scenes just work, and the movie really hits its comedic stride here (in large part to a cameo that might be the best cameo I've ever seen).
Let me put it this way: Woody Harrelson did indeed fulfill my dreams in the climactic scenes.
So, all in all, what is my opinion of this movie?
AWESOME:
1) It was excellently cast. Our four main characters are well developed and deal with their situation in a very real yet very enjoyable way, resulting in an overall positive experience. Although, as I mentioned earlier, Jesse Eisenburg is a poor's man Michael Cera. But it still doesn't detract. It's that solid.
2) I've never seen zombies killed in such a variety of ways with such a variety of objects. Somehow, killing zombies- the whole point of the movie- doesn't get old. It could have easily fallen into the Snakes on a Plane trap of just putting shit everywhere and praying for the best. Kudos to writing and directing.
3) The rules for survival in Zombieland were enjoyable, and while we only saw a few of them, their on-screen appearances via text greatly lightened the movie's mood and reminded us that this is, after all, supposed to make us laugh.
4) The excess of violence in this movie is hilarious. Nuff said.
5) Woody fuckin' Harrelson.
6) I could watch the second half of the movie over and over again, and still come away satisfied every time. I wish I could tell you, but I can't do it in good faith.
NOT AWESOME:
1) The beginning of the movie was confusing in that I couldn't figure out how just how seriously the movie was taking itself. I went in expecting a goofy, dark comedic tone. Instead over the first 15 minutes or so, what I got was..... surprisingly scary. Maybe it's that I expected the zombies to be more Shaun of the Dead than 28 Days Later, but there were several early occasions where the movie took cheap shots for a quick scare, and at least, for me, didn't provide a whole lot of comedic relief. Maybe this will change upon rewatch, since I'll know what the tone of the movie is before it begins. It could be possible that this movie is funnier the more times you see it.
2) More of the rules for survival would have been nice. They added a lot of character to Columbus, and were entertaining every time they were used.
3) There were some problems in the logistics of the movie, even when you consider the atmosphere in which the movie takes place. For example,
a) There was little explanation for how quickly the virus spread, what caused the virus, and why little to no action was taken to counteract it. Additionally, where the hell was the government or army? I understand it's the zombie apocalypse, but I'd like to think security is a little tighter for our troops and leaders.
b) It's not clear why zombie.... population density is what it is. They seem to have an idea of where to find "food" but at the same time, there seem to be miles upon miles of zombie-free land. Surely there are safe areas to be found. Stay away from cities, go to a small town- purge the area of zombies. Build a fence. You should be fine. Admittedly, this makes for a boring movie.
c) It is stated that the zombies do not attack each other. There's only so many humans to be eaten though. Shouldn't this mean that the zombies will simply die out as demand for food greatly exceeds supply? Zombies are the undead (although in this movie they are more like the diseased), but there are certainly not immortal. A waiting game might be the best way to survive. However, this too makes for a boring movie.
Overall, on a scale of 1-10, this movie gets:
8.5: This isn't one of those movies you can criticize for some of its vaguely relevant plotholes. The movie chooses to ignore them, and thus we should too. The point is not to be intelligent with a great storyline- the point is to have a funny and clever way to portray the tried and true zombie movie formula. And it succeeds. Zombieland is just plain fun. So buckle those seatbelts- it's going to be a funny, bumpy ride.
As a quick side note, there is already a Zombieland sequel in the works. So I'll still have something to dream about at night.....
Maybe some of you remember my Awesome/Not Awesome from 9-30-09:
"But why I am talking about Woody Harrelson? One word: Zombieland. I don't know why I'm so interested in this movie..... but I am guessing it's because late at night, deep into my second REM cycle, I am dreaming about how awesome it would be to see Woody Harrelson killing zombies."
Well, I saw Zombieland tonight. And here's my first Awesome Review:
Zombieland. I hope the title doesn't give away too much!
Getting right into it, we start off watching a young man we will come to know as Columbus trying to escape- you guessed it- zombies.
Columbus, played by Michael Cera-impersonator Jesse Eisenburg, explains that in two months time a virus has destroyed the United States of America, thus creating the United States of Zombieland, where normal people are infected by the diseased zombie people now making up the majority of the residents of the country.
A zombie-creating virus? That sounds so original! It sounds so cool! In fact, it's so cool they should call it THE Virus. Or T-Virus for short. Yeah. T-Virus. Now that's original!
But anyway, enter Tallahassee, played by my boy Woody Harrelson. Tallahassee is a no-questions asked tough guy, born and raised solely on cans of whoop-ass. Tallahassee explains that people are now named after their place of origin or their destination. Thus, Columbus and Tallahassee.
So, they team up to get where they need to go, while Tallahassee chases his dream of finding a Twinkie.
Finding a pair of girls in a grocery store (whilst comedically killing zombies and looking for the ever-elusive forementioned Twinkie), they get conned. The girls, Wichita and Little Rock, played by Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin of Little Miss Sunshine fame, eventually make up a group with our two male comrades, as they try to make their way to Pacific Playland.
Let's take a quick time out: I would like to take this time to personally thank Emma Stone's parents for bringing her to this world.
Now, I don't want to give away too much, but the rest of the movie after this point is the fucking shit. The California scenes just work, and the movie really hits its comedic stride here (in large part to a cameo that might be the best cameo I've ever seen).
Let me put it this way: Woody Harrelson did indeed fulfill my dreams in the climactic scenes.
So, all in all, what is my opinion of this movie?
AWESOME:
1) It was excellently cast. Our four main characters are well developed and deal with their situation in a very real yet very enjoyable way, resulting in an overall positive experience. Although, as I mentioned earlier, Jesse Eisenburg is a poor's man Michael Cera. But it still doesn't detract. It's that solid.
2) I've never seen zombies killed in such a variety of ways with such a variety of objects. Somehow, killing zombies- the whole point of the movie- doesn't get old. It could have easily fallen into the Snakes on a Plane trap of just putting shit everywhere and praying for the best. Kudos to writing and directing.
3) The rules for survival in Zombieland were enjoyable, and while we only saw a few of them, their on-screen appearances via text greatly lightened the movie's mood and reminded us that this is, after all, supposed to make us laugh.
4) The excess of violence in this movie is hilarious. Nuff said.
5) Woody fuckin' Harrelson.
6) I could watch the second half of the movie over and over again, and still come away satisfied every time. I wish I could tell you, but I can't do it in good faith.
NOT AWESOME:
1) The beginning of the movie was confusing in that I couldn't figure out how just how seriously the movie was taking itself. I went in expecting a goofy, dark comedic tone. Instead over the first 15 minutes or so, what I got was..... surprisingly scary. Maybe it's that I expected the zombies to be more Shaun of the Dead than 28 Days Later, but there were several early occasions where the movie took cheap shots for a quick scare, and at least, for me, didn't provide a whole lot of comedic relief. Maybe this will change upon rewatch, since I'll know what the tone of the movie is before it begins. It could be possible that this movie is funnier the more times you see it.
2) More of the rules for survival would have been nice. They added a lot of character to Columbus, and were entertaining every time they were used.
3) There were some problems in the logistics of the movie, even when you consider the atmosphere in which the movie takes place. For example,
a) There was little explanation for how quickly the virus spread, what caused the virus, and why little to no action was taken to counteract it. Additionally, where the hell was the government or army? I understand it's the zombie apocalypse, but I'd like to think security is a little tighter for our troops and leaders.
b) It's not clear why zombie.... population density is what it is. They seem to have an idea of where to find "food" but at the same time, there seem to be miles upon miles of zombie-free land. Surely there are safe areas to be found. Stay away from cities, go to a small town- purge the area of zombies. Build a fence. You should be fine. Admittedly, this makes for a boring movie.
c) It is stated that the zombies do not attack each other. There's only so many humans to be eaten though. Shouldn't this mean that the zombies will simply die out as demand for food greatly exceeds supply? Zombies are the undead (although in this movie they are more like the diseased), but there are certainly not immortal. A waiting game might be the best way to survive. However, this too makes for a boring movie.
Overall, on a scale of 1-10, this movie gets:
8.5: This isn't one of those movies you can criticize for some of its vaguely relevant plotholes. The movie chooses to ignore them, and thus we should too. The point is not to be intelligent with a great storyline- the point is to have a funny and clever way to portray the tried and true zombie movie formula. And it succeeds. Zombieland is just plain fun. So buckle those seatbelts- it's going to be a funny, bumpy ride.
As a quick side note, there is already a Zombieland sequel in the works. So I'll still have something to dream about at night.....
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-13-09)
Originally posted 10-13-09
"Karma's gonna fuck with you! You're gonna get into a car accident!"- Best thing I heard over the past weekend.
AWESOME: Those Chutes at Bank Drive-Thrus
For those of you who don't know what I mean, here's a quick scenario involving their use.
You gotta go to the bank, but you can't find any parking. The line inside looks really long. So you drive in to the drive-thru, but the lane right next to the bank teller window is taken. Fuck! So now you go to a far lane with your check to cash, and you find this weird glass case there. You open it, put your signed check in there and put it into its little holder. Now what?
You press this button and this door closes on the glass container and...
Holy shit!
The little fucker is sucked up the chute and arrives at the teller in a matter of seconds. So friggin' cool! How the shit did that happen!?
Then the teller says, "Thank you" and you see the guy come back to you. With money! Sweet!
I thought I would only see that kind of technology on the Jetsons!
So, now that we've seen this sort of blatant awesomeness, when can we expect to see more?
I want my fast food sucked to me! My groceries! When I pick somebody up for a ride, I want them sucked right off the doorstep. I want to travel via tubes! They do it in the Jetsons and Futurama...and....maybe other works of fiction, but we need it now!
Although it'd take a lot more effort, considering we're all overweight. But nevertheless....
It's 2009 going on 2010. That's 50 years after the Jetsons provided the concept. Let's go, bank chutes inventor guys, that's plenty of time. Work your magic again. I can live without the flying car and moving walkways (another futuristic invention that we have in limited quantities- airports) but this needs to happen. Bank chute transportation sure would be awesome.....
NOT AWESOME: Batteries
You know, I like batteries. They're useful, and I depend on them frequently for my Wiimotes, CD player, and Game Boy Advance (yes, Advance. Don't judge.). But I have one major problem with batteries:
THEY DIE!
And never at any convenient time. Only 3/4 of my way through a perfect song in Guitar Hero- BOOM! Dead batteries. You're fucked.
Dead batteries are the story of my life. Things are going great and they just stop right in their tracks. They affect everyone- no one in industrialized countries can escape them in their life span (although I suppose if you never used batteries before in your life and you are on life support, you can come pretty close).
I've always wondered why the advertisers choose to present batteries they way they do.
Flashlights- well, Duracell outlasts Energizer and all those other brands. Choose Duracell.
Automatic External Defibrillators- medics only trust Duracell. Choose Duracell.
Why not go about it this way?
At a high school basketball game, disaster strikes. One player's heart stops cold. Thinking quickly, coaches scramble to get the AED. They set it up, the player's life hanging in the balance, but the machine fails to operate. All because you chose Energizer. One young man's life cut tragically short, his hopes at D-I basketball and having a family destroyed along with his frail body. I guess not all things keep going and going.
Duracell. Because we value life. Shouldn't you?
Now that would get the fucking message across. Dead batteries suck, but not nearly as much as dead people. So get your shit together, Shitty Battery Manufacturer Co., Inc. Because dead, short-life batteries are not awesome.
"Karma's gonna fuck with you! You're gonna get into a car accident!"- Best thing I heard over the past weekend.
AWESOME: Those Chutes at Bank Drive-Thrus
For those of you who don't know what I mean, here's a quick scenario involving their use.
You gotta go to the bank, but you can't find any parking. The line inside looks really long. So you drive in to the drive-thru, but the lane right next to the bank teller window is taken. Fuck! So now you go to a far lane with your check to cash, and you find this weird glass case there. You open it, put your signed check in there and put it into its little holder. Now what?
You press this button and this door closes on the glass container and...
Holy shit!
The little fucker is sucked up the chute and arrives at the teller in a matter of seconds. So friggin' cool! How the shit did that happen!?
Then the teller says, "Thank you" and you see the guy come back to you. With money! Sweet!
I thought I would only see that kind of technology on the Jetsons!
So, now that we've seen this sort of blatant awesomeness, when can we expect to see more?
I want my fast food sucked to me! My groceries! When I pick somebody up for a ride, I want them sucked right off the doorstep. I want to travel via tubes! They do it in the Jetsons and Futurama...and....maybe other works of fiction, but we need it now!
Although it'd take a lot more effort, considering we're all overweight. But nevertheless....
It's 2009 going on 2010. That's 50 years after the Jetsons provided the concept. Let's go, bank chutes inventor guys, that's plenty of time. Work your magic again. I can live without the flying car and moving walkways (another futuristic invention that we have in limited quantities- airports) but this needs to happen. Bank chute transportation sure would be awesome.....
NOT AWESOME: Batteries
You know, I like batteries. They're useful, and I depend on them frequently for my Wiimotes, CD player, and Game Boy Advance (yes, Advance. Don't judge.). But I have one major problem with batteries:
THEY DIE!
And never at any convenient time. Only 3/4 of my way through a perfect song in Guitar Hero- BOOM! Dead batteries. You're fucked.
Dead batteries are the story of my life. Things are going great and they just stop right in their tracks. They affect everyone- no one in industrialized countries can escape them in their life span (although I suppose if you never used batteries before in your life and you are on life support, you can come pretty close).
I've always wondered why the advertisers choose to present batteries they way they do.
Flashlights- well, Duracell outlasts Energizer and all those other brands. Choose Duracell.
Automatic External Defibrillators- medics only trust Duracell. Choose Duracell.
Why not go about it this way?
At a high school basketball game, disaster strikes. One player's heart stops cold. Thinking quickly, coaches scramble to get the AED. They set it up, the player's life hanging in the balance, but the machine fails to operate. All because you chose Energizer. One young man's life cut tragically short, his hopes at D-I basketball and having a family destroyed along with his frail body. I guess not all things keep going and going.
Duracell. Because we value life. Shouldn't you?
Now that would get the fucking message across. Dead batteries suck, but not nearly as much as dead people. So get your shit together, Shitty Battery Manufacturer Co., Inc. Because dead, short-life batteries are not awesome.
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-12-09)
Originally posted 10-12-09
Alright, so I couldn't just get right to the Awesome part today. Not after what I saw yesterday at the Bills-Browns game.
So let me thank all you guys and gals for your support and condolences, but it is not official: the Buffalo Bills are the worst team in the NFL. Even worse than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the only team the Bills beat this season. Even worse than the teams that haven't won a game this season. The Bills are terrible. The Bills (1-4) have the potential to go 0-16. You read that correctly. The 1-4 Bills might go 0-16 this year.
I remember a couple of years ago the Bills went 3-13 (I think it was 2003). In 1987 (I think) they went 2-14. Those teams could kick this year's team's ass. I'm talking blowout losses.
The Bills are so bad I've lost the ability to emote. They do something bad- I feel nothing. Whatever. Same old same old. Occasionally they do something so preposterously stupid and bad that it piques my interest briefly into how that is even possible. But still, I feel nothing. They do something good, and I'm so sure something bad is to follow that I still feel nothing. The Bills have stolen my ability to feel happy- and that's not just because of yesterday, that's 10 years worth of disappointment.
The Bills match my personality, or my personality matches the Bills. I don't know which came first. Even our successes are failures. The only thing the Bills are good at is being bad. I can't appreciate anything during the Bills season. I should just forget about this season- it would save me a lot of emotional troubles.
This isn't a joke. I'm dead-fucking-serious. The Bills are the worst team in the NFL and I think the best policy for Bills fans is to ignore them until they fire their head coach. And I am a long, longtime Bills fan, a die-hard, and yesterday I died hard. So, barring drastic change, I'll see the Bills in April at the Draft.
Alright, enough on that.
AWESOME: Mugs
Shit tastes better out of a mug. I don't know how else to explain it. I think it has something to do with the handle, especially when your drink is hot. I'm not a coffee guy, but if I was, I'd think drinking it out of a mug would be more pleasing than a coffee cup.
Even water, juice, soda (and alcohol) taste better from a mug. Shit's great! Mugs are easier to hold near your face when you can appreciate the sweet aroma of, say, your hot chocolate.
My favorite part about mugs is that they are one of a few mass-made products that actually seem very personal and individualistic. What your mug says, says a lot about you. This can be accomplished through pictures, but it is mostly through text, or a combination of pictures and text.
And they don't even have to make much sense. Anything can be put on a mug and people will get a glimpse of your personality. I'm not talking about this "World's Best Whatever" bullshit.
My father has a mug with a shittily drawn Boom Box and Rabbit on it. It says "Hip Hop". That's pretty funny.
But, if I could make any mug (for comedic value), these are what they'd be (and they'd definitely be awesome):
5. This isn't cum.
4. My psychiatrist recommends you don't interrupt me while I'm drinking.
3. End of the line, Sonny Jim.
2. I swear this isn't cum!
1. (arrow pointing up) You know who's the fucking man? This fucking guy!
Mugs. You drink out of them. You express yourself. Awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Silent Letters
I'm a big advocate of saying what I mean, and meaning what I say.
So shouldn't I spell what I mean, and mean what I spell?
I'll tell you- YES!
I mean, fuck! I'm sure there are good reasons for why we spell the way we do. English is a mish-mash of all sorts of languages, but that doesn't give it the right to fuck with our minds with all this spelling bullshit.
And I don't doubt that-
Wait a minute.
And I don't dout that the reason why-
What? What the shit is this?
How come "out" is spelled O-U-T, but "doubt" is spelled D-O-U-B-T?
DOUBT RHYMES WITH OUT! WHAT'S WITH THE B?!
At least be fucking consistent, English language!
It makes no sense. I don't want to memorize which instances of a sound require a random letter just through in there! Why not just put them in every word, just to make it harder?
Yleah, maybey sthat wrill helpb.
My ass!
So here's my proposal: whenever there's a silent letter, we either get rid of it or repeat the letter that begins or ends the sound. For example,
"Pneumonia" becomes "Neumonia",
and
"Damn" becomes "Damm".
Oh, no, not damn, too!
Silent letters really grind my shit. The point of letters is to represent sounds. The term silent letter is counter intuitive. I think I'm having a stroke...!
So freakin' not awesome.
GODDAMMIT!
Alright, so I couldn't just get right to the Awesome part today. Not after what I saw yesterday at the Bills-Browns game.
So let me thank all you guys and gals for your support and condolences, but it is not official: the Buffalo Bills are the worst team in the NFL. Even worse than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the only team the Bills beat this season. Even worse than the teams that haven't won a game this season. The Bills are terrible. The Bills (1-4) have the potential to go 0-16. You read that correctly. The 1-4 Bills might go 0-16 this year.
I remember a couple of years ago the Bills went 3-13 (I think it was 2003). In 1987 (I think) they went 2-14. Those teams could kick this year's team's ass. I'm talking blowout losses.
The Bills are so bad I've lost the ability to emote. They do something bad- I feel nothing. Whatever. Same old same old. Occasionally they do something so preposterously stupid and bad that it piques my interest briefly into how that is even possible. But still, I feel nothing. They do something good, and I'm so sure something bad is to follow that I still feel nothing. The Bills have stolen my ability to feel happy- and that's not just because of yesterday, that's 10 years worth of disappointment.
The Bills match my personality, or my personality matches the Bills. I don't know which came first. Even our successes are failures. The only thing the Bills are good at is being bad. I can't appreciate anything during the Bills season. I should just forget about this season- it would save me a lot of emotional troubles.
This isn't a joke. I'm dead-fucking-serious. The Bills are the worst team in the NFL and I think the best policy for Bills fans is to ignore them until they fire their head coach. And I am a long, longtime Bills fan, a die-hard, and yesterday I died hard. So, barring drastic change, I'll see the Bills in April at the Draft.
Alright, enough on that.
AWESOME: Mugs
Shit tastes better out of a mug. I don't know how else to explain it. I think it has something to do with the handle, especially when your drink is hot. I'm not a coffee guy, but if I was, I'd think drinking it out of a mug would be more pleasing than a coffee cup.
Even water, juice, soda (and alcohol) taste better from a mug. Shit's great! Mugs are easier to hold near your face when you can appreciate the sweet aroma of, say, your hot chocolate.
My favorite part about mugs is that they are one of a few mass-made products that actually seem very personal and individualistic. What your mug says, says a lot about you. This can be accomplished through pictures, but it is mostly through text, or a combination of pictures and text.
And they don't even have to make much sense. Anything can be put on a mug and people will get a glimpse of your personality. I'm not talking about this "World's Best Whatever" bullshit.
My father has a mug with a shittily drawn Boom Box and Rabbit on it. It says "Hip Hop". That's pretty funny.
But, if I could make any mug (for comedic value), these are what they'd be (and they'd definitely be awesome):
5. This isn't cum.
4. My psychiatrist recommends you don't interrupt me while I'm drinking.
3. End of the line, Sonny Jim.
2. I swear this isn't cum!
1. (arrow pointing up) You know who's the fucking man? This fucking guy!
Mugs. You drink out of them. You express yourself. Awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Silent Letters
I'm a big advocate of saying what I mean, and meaning what I say.
So shouldn't I spell what I mean, and mean what I spell?
I'll tell you- YES!
I mean, fuck! I'm sure there are good reasons for why we spell the way we do. English is a mish-mash of all sorts of languages, but that doesn't give it the right to fuck with our minds with all this spelling bullshit.
And I don't doubt that-
Wait a minute.
And I don't dout that the reason why-
What? What the shit is this?
How come "out" is spelled O-U-T, but "doubt" is spelled D-O-U-B-T?
DOUBT RHYMES WITH OUT! WHAT'S WITH THE B?!
At least be fucking consistent, English language!
It makes no sense. I don't want to memorize which instances of a sound require a random letter just through in there! Why not just put them in every word, just to make it harder?
Yleah, maybey sthat wrill helpb.
My ass!
So here's my proposal: whenever there's a silent letter, we either get rid of it or repeat the letter that begins or ends the sound. For example,
"Pneumonia" becomes "Neumonia",
and
"Damn" becomes "Damm".
Oh, no, not damn, too!
Silent letters really grind my shit. The point of letters is to represent sounds. The term silent letter is counter intuitive. I think I'm having a stroke...!
So freakin' not awesome.
GODDAMMIT!
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-9-09)
Originally posted 10-9-09
Were you all afraid I was going to miss Friday's post? Oh, ye of little faith!
AWESOME: Security Cameras
We're going to go about this one a little differently. When are security cameras NOT awesome?
1) You are robbing a place.
2) You are caught doing something really embarrassing.
Sometimes, you get both of those at once. And then you're in really deep shit. But, logically, that means that security cameras ARE awesome when
1) Someone else is robbing a place.
2) Someone else is doing something really embarrassing.
3) And every other time and place!
Security cameras are the SHIT. They account for some of the most original comedy ever seen. Okay, shows like Candid Camera were funny at times (even Punk'd had its moments) but nothing comes close to the uninhibited, natural, often unprovoked, sheer human stupidity to be found from security camera tapes.
They have them on TV from time to time- the World's Most Amazing Videos and shit like that. Here's one I remember:
Shot of the interior of a store. Glass, and cieling pieces fall to the floor as a man jumps down into the store. He begins grabbing things off the shelf, and putting them into his bag. He's really going at it- he wants to get this over with quickly. Putting his bag back on he walks to the front door of the store. He tries to push it open- but, alas, it is locked. That's right- he was locked out before and now he is locked in.
Oops.
So then we see him pace around the store, and try to climb back up to the hole he put in the cieling, but there's no way he's gonna make it. He could break the glass on the front door- but that would trip the alarm, so he'd be screwed.
Fast forwarding a little bit, we see him sitting in a chair in the middle of the store, waiting for the owner to come in the morning to open his shop and have him arrested.
Best part about this:
It was a liquor store.
That better have some been some pretty damn good booze!
I know if I was caught in that situation, I'd have drank the stuff well before the owner got there. Of course, the security cameras would have caught me drinking, but maybe I could play it off that I had already been drinking when I decided to break in.
I don't know if that would legally help my case, but I think it would probably make me look like less of an idiot.
You break into the store, but you can't get out. Fucking genious. You can't write that shit. It can't be done.
And that's not all.
Security cameras are great when cars crash through a store, or an animal goes into a berserk rage and terrorizes the customers and employees for a few minutes, you know, shit like that.
And from what I understand, they can deter and stop criminal activities.
But we all know that the real reason for secuity cameras to ensure we catch people at their dumbest.
And that's just plain awesome.
NOT AWESOME: "4 out of 5 _____ recommend"
This phrase is stupid.
Most often the blank is filled in with "doctors", but I've seen other shit in there.
But suppose it is doctors. Well, I don't care what you're advestising, an 80% recommendation rate ain't all that good. And that's just recommend it, that doesn't mean that it works for the people who took the recommendation and tried it.
How much would you pay for something if only 80% of the people who used it liked it enough to recommend it?
Think about the conversation to be had between 5 doctors, on say toothpaste:
Doctor 1: Yeah, that toothpaste was pretty good- my mouth feels clean and fresh.
Doctor 2: But I somehow feel like my mouth could be- oh, I don't know 15%-20% more clean.
Doctor 3: 20% sounds about right. Yes.
Doctor 4: But it wasn't bad.
Doctor 5: Oh, of course not. Wasn't bad.
Doctor 2: But maybe there's better toothpaste on the market right now.
Doctor 3: Yeah, could be. The price was a little steep too.
Doctor 4: Yeah, really? What do they think I'm made of money?
Doctor 1: You're a doctor. What's a tube of toothpaste to you?
Doctor 4: Shut up!
Doctor 5: Okay, so did we like it?
Doctors 1,2,4: Yes.
Doctor 5: Would you say you'd recommend it?
Doctors 1,2,4: Yeah.
Doctor 3: Nope. Can't do it. My mouth- well, to be honest, it just needs MORE.
Doctor 5: Oh, well look at you. Fucking diva. Yeah I recommend it too.
I imagine that's how it would look if 5 doctors actively debated the merits of some product. Or at least I hope that's what happens.
Then they could clarify their claim:
"4 out of 5 doctors recommend Shitty Toothpaste Company, Inc. because Dr. Steve is a pretentious dick."
You know what- wait.
How many of you honestly care how many doctors recommend something? Tons of them recommend against smoking and drinking, and advocate getting 8 hours of sleep a night, but how many of us actually follow their advice?
I don't need no fuckin' doctor telling me how to live my life.
I would be more interested in a product if they said something like this:
"No doctor on earth would recommend this product."
or better yet
"4 out of 5 crack-whores recommend Shitty Toothpaste Company, Inc."
That would certainly get my attention-
"Well if it works for crack-whores...!"
And so I leave with you this, and hope you all have a good weekend:
4 out of 5 doctors agree that this Awesome/Not Awesome is indeed awesome.
Were you all afraid I was going to miss Friday's post? Oh, ye of little faith!
AWESOME: Security Cameras
We're going to go about this one a little differently. When are security cameras NOT awesome?
1) You are robbing a place.
2) You are caught doing something really embarrassing.
Sometimes, you get both of those at once. And then you're in really deep shit. But, logically, that means that security cameras ARE awesome when
1) Someone else is robbing a place.
2) Someone else is doing something really embarrassing.
3) And every other time and place!
Security cameras are the SHIT. They account for some of the most original comedy ever seen. Okay, shows like Candid Camera were funny at times (even Punk'd had its moments) but nothing comes close to the uninhibited, natural, often unprovoked, sheer human stupidity to be found from security camera tapes.
They have them on TV from time to time- the World's Most Amazing Videos and shit like that. Here's one I remember:
Shot of the interior of a store. Glass, and cieling pieces fall to the floor as a man jumps down into the store. He begins grabbing things off the shelf, and putting them into his bag. He's really going at it- he wants to get this over with quickly. Putting his bag back on he walks to the front door of the store. He tries to push it open- but, alas, it is locked. That's right- he was locked out before and now he is locked in.
Oops.
So then we see him pace around the store, and try to climb back up to the hole he put in the cieling, but there's no way he's gonna make it. He could break the glass on the front door- but that would trip the alarm, so he'd be screwed.
Fast forwarding a little bit, we see him sitting in a chair in the middle of the store, waiting for the owner to come in the morning to open his shop and have him arrested.
Best part about this:
It was a liquor store.
That better have some been some pretty damn good booze!
I know if I was caught in that situation, I'd have drank the stuff well before the owner got there. Of course, the security cameras would have caught me drinking, but maybe I could play it off that I had already been drinking when I decided to break in.
I don't know if that would legally help my case, but I think it would probably make me look like less of an idiot.
You break into the store, but you can't get out. Fucking genious. You can't write that shit. It can't be done.
And that's not all.
Security cameras are great when cars crash through a store, or an animal goes into a berserk rage and terrorizes the customers and employees for a few minutes, you know, shit like that.
And from what I understand, they can deter and stop criminal activities.
But we all know that the real reason for secuity cameras to ensure we catch people at their dumbest.
And that's just plain awesome.
NOT AWESOME: "4 out of 5 _____ recommend"
This phrase is stupid.
Most often the blank is filled in with "doctors", but I've seen other shit in there.
But suppose it is doctors. Well, I don't care what you're advestising, an 80% recommendation rate ain't all that good. And that's just recommend it, that doesn't mean that it works for the people who took the recommendation and tried it.
How much would you pay for something if only 80% of the people who used it liked it enough to recommend it?
Think about the conversation to be had between 5 doctors, on say toothpaste:
Doctor 1: Yeah, that toothpaste was pretty good- my mouth feels clean and fresh.
Doctor 2: But I somehow feel like my mouth could be- oh, I don't know 15%-20% more clean.
Doctor 3: 20% sounds about right. Yes.
Doctor 4: But it wasn't bad.
Doctor 5: Oh, of course not. Wasn't bad.
Doctor 2: But maybe there's better toothpaste on the market right now.
Doctor 3: Yeah, could be. The price was a little steep too.
Doctor 4: Yeah, really? What do they think I'm made of money?
Doctor 1: You're a doctor. What's a tube of toothpaste to you?
Doctor 4: Shut up!
Doctor 5: Okay, so did we like it?
Doctors 1,2,4: Yes.
Doctor 5: Would you say you'd recommend it?
Doctors 1,2,4: Yeah.
Doctor 3: Nope. Can't do it. My mouth- well, to be honest, it just needs MORE.
Doctor 5: Oh, well look at you. Fucking diva. Yeah I recommend it too.
I imagine that's how it would look if 5 doctors actively debated the merits of some product. Or at least I hope that's what happens.
Then they could clarify their claim:
"4 out of 5 doctors recommend Shitty Toothpaste Company, Inc. because Dr. Steve is a pretentious dick."
You know what- wait.
How many of you honestly care how many doctors recommend something? Tons of them recommend against smoking and drinking, and advocate getting 8 hours of sleep a night, but how many of us actually follow their advice?
I don't need no fuckin' doctor telling me how to live my life.
I would be more interested in a product if they said something like this:
"No doctor on earth would recommend this product."
or better yet
"4 out of 5 crack-whores recommend Shitty Toothpaste Company, Inc."
That would certainly get my attention-
"Well if it works for crack-whores...!"
And so I leave with you this, and hope you all have a good weekend:
4 out of 5 doctors agree that this Awesome/Not Awesome is indeed awesome.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Awesome/Not Awesome (10-8-09)
Originally published 10-8-09
Okay there kids, remember: it's okay to comment on my notes for reasons other than pointing out my shortcomings and faults in my writing.
AWESOME: Gay People
Have you ever met a horribly unpleasant, miserable gay dude or lesbian?
The answer's no, you haven't. Nobody has. I don't think they exist. And I'm almost positive there's been no study into sexual orientation and personality/demeaner, so consider this my own original theory (I expect to be credited for this, all you Psych majors out there looking for a thesis).
Gay people are called "gay" because they are indeed "gay".
(Gay in quotes means happy or in a good mood)
That's got to be it! I've met really shitty straight people, young people, old people, Asians, white people, black people, (not that being gay is equivalent to an ethnicity) and the list goes on. Now, you mean to tell me that the only group from which I have not encountered an unpleasant member, the homosexual group, is commonly called the "gay" community?
COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!
I'm sure not-"gay" gay people are out there. But why are they so hard to find? I could spit and hit a miserable piece of shit straight person 9 times out of 10- 10 times out of 10 if I'm at the Republican National Convention! (I wonder how many readers I've lost with that statement....relax Pubs, it's just a joke)
Come to think of it... the word straight has a more miserable feel to it, too. People ask you to tell it to them straight, they mean no fuckin around get to the point. Well, usually that's not very fun.
And in comedy, the "straight" man is the one who usually has significantly less interesting things to say and do. He's just there to react, as a kind of foil to the funny guy (or gal).
Somebody else had to have noticed this.
Shit. I was really looking forward to publishing starckie's Theory on Gayness.
Who came up with these terms anyway? If what I think is true, they're not creative in the least! The titles gay and straight suck!
But gay people, now they're awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Yield Signs
What the shit. Yield. Make up your Goddamn mind, either go or don't. Too much thinking (or not thinking) involved with these signs.
They just don't work. If I have to slow down at all because you're merging onto the main road or into my lane, you didn't yield. What is there to not understand?! Don't get in the Goddamn way!
That's what yield means: Do your thing, but stay out of my way.
That's way to long a message for one sign! Just think about other signs you see all the time.
STOP.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
There's no dicking around that one. STOP. You either obey the sign or you don't, but there's no middle ground.
"Sorry Officer, I psuedo-stopped."
Get that shit out of here.
So you can't argue with STOP but you can when a message (yield) openly says, "Push your luck. They can't pin this on you (for sure) if you go."
Here's the consequence laydown:
1) Wait your turn. Merge. Problem solved.
2) Go whenever you damn well feel, and make everyone else react to you. School bus in your way? Fuck 'em. "I's got shit to do, students! Life's a bitch!" Those children will go home with a new outlook on life, that the world is cold, cruel, uninviting place where any random person would sooner mow you down than wait a minute to peacefully accommodate you, the person in the right. And they will grow up to become bitter, miserable human beings themselves who will not yield correctly to anyone because that's what they learned was the norm growing up.
You know what would solve this problem? I do.
Gay people.
Have gay people be the only ones legally allowed to drive.
Not used to that kind of discrimination, gay people, huh?
Backwards discrimination. Awesome.
Okay there kids, remember: it's okay to comment on my notes for reasons other than pointing out my shortcomings and faults in my writing.
AWESOME: Gay People
Have you ever met a horribly unpleasant, miserable gay dude or lesbian?
The answer's no, you haven't. Nobody has. I don't think they exist. And I'm almost positive there's been no study into sexual orientation and personality/demeaner, so consider this my own original theory (I expect to be credited for this, all you Psych majors out there looking for a thesis).
Gay people are called "gay" because they are indeed "gay".
(Gay in quotes means happy or in a good mood)
That's got to be it! I've met really shitty straight people, young people, old people, Asians, white people, black people, (not that being gay is equivalent to an ethnicity) and the list goes on. Now, you mean to tell me that the only group from which I have not encountered an unpleasant member, the homosexual group, is commonly called the "gay" community?
COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT!
I'm sure not-"gay" gay people are out there. But why are they so hard to find? I could spit and hit a miserable piece of shit straight person 9 times out of 10- 10 times out of 10 if I'm at the Republican National Convention! (I wonder how many readers I've lost with that statement....relax Pubs, it's just a joke)
Come to think of it... the word straight has a more miserable feel to it, too. People ask you to tell it to them straight, they mean no fuckin around get to the point. Well, usually that's not very fun.
And in comedy, the "straight" man is the one who usually has significantly less interesting things to say and do. He's just there to react, as a kind of foil to the funny guy (or gal).
Somebody else had to have noticed this.
Shit. I was really looking forward to publishing starckie's Theory on Gayness.
Who came up with these terms anyway? If what I think is true, they're not creative in the least! The titles gay and straight suck!
But gay people, now they're awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Yield Signs
What the shit. Yield. Make up your Goddamn mind, either go or don't. Too much thinking (or not thinking) involved with these signs.
They just don't work. If I have to slow down at all because you're merging onto the main road or into my lane, you didn't yield. What is there to not understand?! Don't get in the Goddamn way!
That's what yield means: Do your thing, but stay out of my way.
That's way to long a message for one sign! Just think about other signs you see all the time.
STOP.
Short, sweet, and to the point.
There's no dicking around that one. STOP. You either obey the sign or you don't, but there's no middle ground.
"Sorry Officer, I psuedo-stopped."
Get that shit out of here.
So you can't argue with STOP but you can when a message (yield) openly says, "Push your luck. They can't pin this on you (for sure) if you go."
Here's the consequence laydown:
1) Wait your turn. Merge. Problem solved.
2) Go whenever you damn well feel, and make everyone else react to you. School bus in your way? Fuck 'em. "I's got shit to do, students! Life's a bitch!" Those children will go home with a new outlook on life, that the world is cold, cruel, uninviting place where any random person would sooner mow you down than wait a minute to peacefully accommodate you, the person in the right. And they will grow up to become bitter, miserable human beings themselves who will not yield correctly to anyone because that's what they learned was the norm growing up.
You know what would solve this problem? I do.
Gay people.
Have gay people be the only ones legally allowed to drive.
Not used to that kind of discrimination, gay people, huh?
Backwards discrimination. Awesome.
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