Awesome/Not Awesome (10-13-09)

Originally posted 10-13-09

"Karma's gonna fuck with you! You're gonna get into a car accident!"- Best thing I heard over the past weekend.


AWESOME: Those Chutes at Bank Drive-Thrus

For those of you who don't know what I mean, here's a quick scenario involving their use.

You gotta go to the bank, but you can't find any parking. The line inside looks really long. So you drive in to the drive-thru, but the lane right next to the bank teller window is taken. Fuck! So now you go to a far lane with your check to cash, and you find this weird glass case there. You open it, put your signed check in there and put it into its little holder. Now what?

You press this button and this door closes on the glass container and...

Holy shit!

The little fucker is sucked up the chute and arrives at the teller in a matter of seconds. So friggin' cool! How the shit did that happen!?

Then the teller says, "Thank you" and you see the guy come back to you. With money! Sweet!

I thought I would only see that kind of technology on the Jetsons!

So, now that we've seen this sort of blatant awesomeness, when can we expect to see more?

I want my fast food sucked to me! My groceries! When I pick somebody up for a ride, I want them sucked right off the doorstep. I want to travel via tubes! They do it in the Jetsons and Futurama...and....maybe other works of fiction, but we need it now!

Although it'd take a lot more effort, considering we're all overweight. But nevertheless....

It's 2009 going on 2010. That's 50 years after the Jetsons provided the concept. Let's go, bank chutes inventor guys, that's plenty of time. Work your magic again. I can live without the flying car and moving walkways (another futuristic invention that we have in limited quantities- airports) but this needs to happen. Bank chute transportation sure would be awesome.....


NOT AWESOME: Batteries

You know, I like batteries. They're useful, and I depend on them frequently for my Wiimotes, CD player, and Game Boy Advance (yes, Advance. Don't judge.). But I have one major problem with batteries:

THEY DIE!

And never at any convenient time. Only 3/4 of my way through a perfect song in Guitar Hero- BOOM! Dead batteries. You're fucked.

Dead batteries are the story of my life. Things are going great and they just stop right in their tracks. They affect everyone- no one in industrialized countries can escape them in their life span (although I suppose if you never used batteries before in your life and you are on life support, you can come pretty close).

I've always wondered why the advertisers choose to present batteries they way they do.

Flashlights- well, Duracell outlasts Energizer and all those other brands. Choose Duracell.

Automatic External Defibrillators- medics only trust Duracell. Choose Duracell.

Why not go about it this way?


At a high school basketball game, disaster strikes. One player's heart stops cold. Thinking quickly, coaches scramble to get the AED. They set it up, the player's life hanging in the balance, but the machine fails to operate. All because you chose Energizer. One young man's life cut tragically short, his hopes at D-I basketball and having a family destroyed along with his frail body. I guess not all things keep going and going.

Duracell. Because we value life. Shouldn't you?


Now that would get the fucking message across. Dead batteries suck, but not nearly as much as dead people. So get your shit together, Shitty Battery Manufacturer Co., Inc. Because dead, short-life batteries are not awesome.