I am the most awesome thing to have ever existed. Thus, all of you should read my posts, and continue to read them after they make the transition to http://awesomestarck.blogs
What better way is there to gain awesomeness yourself?
Answer: there is no better way, other than to hope and pray that some of my awesomeness rubs off on you.
I am going to hell.
AWESOME: Disclaimers
You most often see disclaimers when you encounter material that some people deem offensive.
For example, you see a disclaimer on CD’s in the form of “Parental Advisory”. Ironically, these are not seen on the most offensive examples of modern day popular music. I am not referring to explicit lyrics or questionable material, but I am, of course, referring to music that literally makes you stupider for having listened to it.
I could list this material now, but instead I invite you to look at the Billboard Hot 100. They’ve perfected the art of listing mostly shitty music, in increasing order of how much brain damage a particular song will cause. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but most people are so damaged they cannot recognize them.
Bottom line- We need a parental advisory sticker that says:
THIS IS SHIT!
Or
YOU WILL LAUGH AT YOURSELF FOR HAVING BOUGHT THIS. SOONER OR LATER IT WILL HAPPEN. TRUST ME.
But enough about that, I’m here to talk about how awesome disclaimers are. So why are they so awesome?
Because when a disclaimer is put in front of anything, you are given complete freedom to do whatever you want. I mean, WHATEVER you want.
And I don’t really know when this was made a rule, but apparently if, before a TV show airs, they say something to the effect of:
“Material may be offensive to some viewers.”
Then they covered their asses. If you don’t like what you see, then you’re an asshole.
Guy 1: That joke about transvestite postal workers was way out of line!
Guy 2: Ooooohhhh, well SOME people didn’t like that, so I guess no one can think it’s funny.
Guy 1: I didn’t say th-
Guy 2: Dick.
It’s the greatest! Seriously.
Actually no, wait, there are better examples.
Somehow, disclaimers can be built right into conversation. Like,….
“Pardon my French….”
After you say that, you’re in the clear. Those three little words, usually followed by “but” and then whatever you damn well feel like saying, no matter how ridiculous, and it’s totally acceptable.
“Pardon my French, but if the Goddamn Polish had a little more determination and BALLS, we would have never had to send so many Americans to their fuckin’ graves over there.”
The intro says it all. Now, some of you may still take offense to that, but it’s not nearly as offensive as it would be sans-PMF.
But still, that’s not my favorite one. That would be “No homo.”
No homo. That sounds offensive by itself.
That’s right- the disclaimer itself is offensive.
But still, it gets quite a bit of use. And it’s the only disclaimer I know of that can be used completely contradictory, and still be socially acceptable.
I was curious how far you could take this, so I have on two separate occasions tried to do something blatantly homoerotic and still see if “No homo” would cover it.
So, once, I walked into a crowded room and yelled “I LOVE COCK!”
Everyone, naturally, stared at me.
“No homo.”
Oh, oh, okay.
It wasn’t that smooth, but people were a bit more accepting. I don’t know what that says about people, but I’ll tell you what it says about the disclaimer- powerful shit!
The second time I wanted to go for broke. So I walked up to this (male) friend of mine and took a quick grab at his crotch. Don’t worry, I didn’t actually do it, but I made it look like I did. And all I had to do was say “No homo”, and it, too, was more acceptable than it had been.
So, yes, all hope for humanity is lost.
The biggest irony is that no gay person would ever act, in normal circumstances, gay enough to warrant its use.
Or would they even bother to say it if they did? Sounds like an identity crisis at that point.
But, my goal is not to disparage the gay people, who after all, are awesome (10-8-09). The point is disclaimers kick ass, so much so that they should have their own disclaimer:
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WARNING IS SO AWESOME IT MAY OFFEND SOME READERS.
NOT AWESOME: Obituaries
They’re so boring!
It’s always, somebody died. They were this many years old, their still-living family and friends are really sad, blah blah blah.
It’s always the same thing, over and over again.
Well, my name’s starckie and the bullshit stops here. This problem must be solved, and I have a solution.
Make up shit about their lives. Especially if their death was untimely or due to very, very, ordinary circumstances.
For example, I have a major problem with the phrase, “passed away peacefully.”
BOOOOORRRRRRINNGGGGGGGG.
Passed away peacefully? Get that shit out of year. Doesn’t this sound better?
“The ol’ Geezer was surrounded by his family and friends, as well as a local minister, Fr. Priest. Being raised a Catholic in his youth, Mr. Geezer had a falling-out with God and the Catholic Church due to his some of his personal views that did not coincide with Church teaching. Becoming an outcast, he wrote off God as a possibility, and continued to hold this stance even when he was drafted and served in the Korean War, but now that death was most certainly hanging over him, he finally had to answer that question once and for all: What do you believe, Mr. Geezer? As he stared into the faces of his children and grandchildren, he saw something, some inescapable quality about them; it was something he had failed to see in other human beings for quite some time- in fact, since before the Battle of Osan- he saw himself. He saw love. He saw that life is and always will be good, even in our darkest hours. And so, as Fr. Priest invoked Last Rites, Mr. Geezer finally came to terms with what he believed. He shared one last, final tranquil moment with his loved ones; and as he breathed his last, he now knew for certain that:
There is no God, and his lifeless, soulless body will be spending eternity six feet under. Nothing more, nothing less.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to Shittyburg Veterans of Foreign Wars, #____.”
Now, that’s a fucking obituary. Wouldn’t you be more interested in reading that every day in the paper?
I know I would. Cause it sounds so awesome…!
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