Awesome/Not Awesome (10-12-09)

Originally posted 10-12-09

Alright, so I couldn't just get right to the Awesome part today. Not after what I saw yesterday at the Bills-Browns game.

So let me thank all you guys and gals for your support and condolences, but it is not official: the Buffalo Bills are the worst team in the NFL. Even worse than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the only team the Bills beat this season. Even worse than the teams that haven't won a game this season. The Bills are terrible. The Bills (1-4) have the potential to go 0-16. You read that correctly. The 1-4 Bills might go 0-16 this year.

I remember a couple of years ago the Bills went 3-13 (I think it was 2003). In 1987 (I think) they went 2-14. Those teams could kick this year's team's ass. I'm talking blowout losses.

The Bills are so bad I've lost the ability to emote. They do something bad- I feel nothing. Whatever. Same old same old. Occasionally they do something so preposterously stupid and bad that it piques my interest briefly into how that is even possible. But still, I feel nothing. They do something good, and I'm so sure something bad is to follow that I still feel nothing. The Bills have stolen my ability to feel happy- and that's not just because of yesterday, that's 10 years worth of disappointment.

The Bills match my personality, or my personality matches the Bills. I don't know which came first. Even our successes are failures. The only thing the Bills are good at is being bad. I can't appreciate anything during the Bills season. I should just forget about this season- it would save me a lot of emotional troubles.

This isn't a joke. I'm dead-fucking-serious. The Bills are the worst team in the NFL and I think the best policy for Bills fans is to ignore them until they fire their head coach. And I am a long, longtime Bills fan, a die-hard, and yesterday I died hard. So, barring drastic change, I'll see the Bills in April at the Draft.

Alright, enough on that.

AWESOME: Mugs

Shit tastes better out of a mug. I don't know how else to explain it. I think it has something to do with the handle, especially when your drink is hot. I'm not a coffee guy, but if I was, I'd think drinking it out of a mug would be more pleasing than a coffee cup.

Even water, juice, soda (and alcohol) taste better from a mug. Shit's great! Mugs are easier to hold near your face when you can appreciate the sweet aroma of, say, your hot chocolate.

My favorite part about mugs is that they are one of a few mass-made products that actually seem very personal and individualistic. What your mug says, says a lot about you. This can be accomplished through pictures, but it is mostly through text, or a combination of pictures and text.

And they don't even have to make much sense. Anything can be put on a mug and people will get a glimpse of your personality. I'm not talking about this "World's Best Whatever" bullshit.

My father has a mug with a shittily drawn Boom Box and Rabbit on it. It says "Hip Hop". That's pretty funny.

But, if I could make any mug (for comedic value), these are what they'd be (and they'd definitely be awesome):

5. This isn't cum.

4. My psychiatrist recommends you don't interrupt me while I'm drinking.

3. End of the line, Sonny Jim.

2. I swear this isn't cum!

1. (arrow pointing up) You know who's the fucking man? This fucking guy!

Mugs. You drink out of them. You express yourself. Awesome.



NOT AWESOME: Silent Letters

I'm a big advocate of saying what I mean, and meaning what I say.

So shouldn't I spell what I mean, and mean what I spell?

I'll tell you- YES!

I mean, fuck! I'm sure there are good reasons for why we spell the way we do. English is a mish-mash of all sorts of languages, but that doesn't give it the right to fuck with our minds with all this spelling bullshit.

And I don't doubt that-

Wait a minute.

And I don't dout that the reason why-

What? What the shit is this?

How come "out" is spelled O-U-T, but "doubt" is spelled D-O-U-B-T?

DOUBT RHYMES WITH OUT! WHAT'S WITH THE B?!

At least be fucking consistent, English language!

It makes no sense. I don't want to memorize which instances of a sound require a random letter just through in there! Why not just put them in every word, just to make it harder?

Yleah, maybey sthat wrill helpb.

My ass!

So here's my proposal: whenever there's a silent letter, we either get rid of it or repeat the letter that begins or ends the sound. For example,

"Pneumonia" becomes "Neumonia",

and

"Damn" becomes "Damm".

Oh, no, not damn, too!

Silent letters really grind my shit. The point of letters is to represent sounds. The term silent letter is counter intuitive. I think I'm having a stroke...!

So freakin' not awesome.

GODDAMMIT!