Awesome/Not Awesome (10-7-09)

Originally published 10-7-09

I think I'm the only person on earth who still laughs when people call Wednesday "hump day."


AWESOME- Unrequited Love

I know what you're thinking. How are earth can this possibly be awesome.

And I'm not going to say too much about it, for the risk of sounding all emotional and cliche.

Unrequited love teaches us the importance and significance of finding a lasting love.

Now, enough of that shit, let's get to the good stuff!

Without unrequited love, we would be out of so much music. And that's really the point I want to make here.

Every single band has a song about unrequited love.



Except for Junior Senior.



And probably like Metallica or some shit like that.



And you know what else, probably Miley-fuckin-Cyrus too!!

I swear she's the devil incarnate.

But the point is, it makes for real good material. And you can take that all over the place, from Radiohead's "Creep" to Three Doors Down's "She Fucking Hates Me", everybody's caught singing some love-y-dub-y love song from time to time.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

I am here to tell you, it's okay. It's more than okay- it's awesome.

You don't feel better screaming your lungs out- SHE FUCKING HATES ME!

Then try out Evan and Jaron's much-underrated "Crazy for This Girl".

You'll feel better.


Not exactly the awesome you were expecting today? Don't worry- I'm just too focused on today's not awesome to think coherently.

NOT AWESOME- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Diamond Edition

How many Goddamn times can you restore the same footage? I ask you, what more is there to see?

Oh, you know the last time, when I watched my Snow White and the Seven Dwarves 68th Anniversary DVD.... you know the one, it's just a little bit clearer than my Snow White and the Seven Dwarves 67th Anniversary DVD.... yeah, well when I watched that did you notice how Grumpy sounded just a little bit clearer? I really felt his grumpiness in that. A lot more than in my old VHS 50th anniversary Snow White, let me tell you. And the animation! Those artists in the 30s were great- there were so many warts and facial disfigurements on the Queen as the old bat-shit crazy lady that I need to see this in Blu-Ray to accurately identify them all!

Anybody will tell you that Disney is a group of money-grabbing whores, but c'mon, how well do these re-releases sell? It's YOUR fault, America, for buying so many of these updates. You're Goddamn enablers!

The following is a list from Wikipedia, of all the re-releases of SWATSD: (The original release was 1937)
1944
1952
1958
1967
1975
1983
1987 (Disney must have really been hurting for money. Just four years?! This ain't the Goddamn Olympics, ya jerks!)
1993
1994- released on VHS for the first time
2001- released on DVD for the first time
2009- released on Blu-Ray for the first time

You'd probably have to be about 5 to accurately remember seeing a movie. So if you were born in 1932, you could have seen this movie released 12 FUCKING TIMES.

12! At 77, you'd have seen this movie released 12 times!

America has been plagued with a re-release of SWATSD for a consecutive NINE DECADES.

Well, my name is starckie and I'm here to stop the bullshit!

SWATSD: Diamond Edition can kiss my ass. That's right, Snow White, Queen, the Prince, Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Low-IQ'd, and all the rest- FUCK YOU.

Had you all been living creatures, you would all be DEAD by now!

Especially the dwarves! I hear little people have a shorter life expectancy, and working in a mine isn't going to help out your tiny lungs.

So just die! Let it go!

America, you let go too!

And I know that sometime in the 2010s, there will be another release on an even "better" medium. And then we'll be able to see the original dirt on each of the frames.

Won't that be great?

If the movie really is a classic, then it shouldn't have to be restored, remastered, or released on an average of 6.5 years apart!

So, hi-ho, assholes! You're so not awesome.




Note: I incorrectly listed "She Fuckin' Hates Me" as a Three Doors Down song. It should be Puddle of Mudd.

People who point out factual errors: Awesome
People who make factual errors: Not Awesome

Thanks guys!