Awesome/Not Awesome (10-2-09)

Originally published 10-2-09

Thank God it's whatever day it is. Here's some more Awesome/Not Awesome for your reading pleasure.

AWESOME- Jumanji

This is one of those movies that I just plain like.

It stars Robin Williams as Alan Parrish, a boy who had to live through his adolescence and young adult life inside the titular board game; Bonnie Hunt as Sarah Whittle, Alan's friend who also played the game with him the night he was sucked into the game; David Alan Grier as Carl Bentley, an ex-employee of Alan's father turned policeman and chief form of comedic relief, and Kirsten Dunst and some dude as sister and brother Judy and Peter Shepherd, two kids that find the game in the mid 90s and decide to play it, releasing Alan.

The plot's good, and the movie was definitely entertaining. But why do I find that every time this movie is on (which is surprisingly often on AMC), I watch it? It's by no means a classic. The effects while good at the time are just okay by today's standards. There's really not a whole lot of memorable dialogue (although there are some great lines I remember to this day).

Well, here's what I got- my reasons for liking Jumanji:

1) Kirsten Dunst's first major film appearance, or, at least the first time I saw her. I would personally like to thank Kirsten's parents for bringing her to this world.

2) As previously mentioned, David Alan Grier is the man. Who else can make the following situation funny?

Carl quickly gets out of the car as a giant, moving, apparently able-to-digest anything plant grabs his squad car and takes it into the woods.

What would you say? (I can think of a lot of things to say, but the movie's PG, so let's not go there.)

I think I'd say, "What the hell was that?"

DAG says: "Fine! Take it!"

Wait. Why? Has this sort of thing happened to Carl before, enough to the point where he's not even in shock about it? I wish it showed Carl at the bar later that day:

BARGOER: Hey, Carl, you look pretty beat up. What happened?

CARL: Oh, you know, fuckin' plant ate my car. Same old same old.

These are the things I think about while watching Jumanji.

3) It's fun to see Robin Williams get shot at. "That's for Flubber!"

4) I occassionally like to quote the Quiji-board, smokey, center of the game. I think those type of lines are great to weird people out.

PERSON: starckie, what'd you get on the test?

starckie: Don't be fooled, it isn't thunder- staying put would be a blunder.

How do you respond to something like that? "Oh, that sucks."

5) The movie breaks the fourth wall once- and it's of the most underrated parts of the movie.

Alan tells Peter (the one played that dude you never heard of) to go out to the shed and get the ax they used to keep there. So he can use it to fight off giant spiders.

Peter runs ever so quickly outside- man on a mission! He gets to the shed, but damn!- it's locked! He sees an ax next to the shed, so he picks it up and starts swinging at the lock! Break! Break! Oh, for the love of God!

Then he just stops. Zoom in to the camera- Peter looks directly at it- and then turns around and runs back into the house.

No dialogue. Just a look that says it all. Totally underrated.

6) The most dangerous game in this movie isn't Jumanji- it's MANNNN. Yes, human-hunting. Just awesome. And as I mentioned before, Robin Williams gets shot at constantly by Van Pelt (a 1920's-esque.... hunter) who is interestingly played by the same actor who plays Alan's father. Van Pelt's lines are the most fun quote in my humble opinion.

My favorite line: "End of the line, Sonny Jim."

I know that doesn't really do it for you- you just gotta hear it. There's something fun about impersonating this actor's delivery. And you can say this WHENEVER and immediately get attention. I've said it at Ultimate Frisbee games, and the reactions vary from confused to defensive to "Dude, is that from Jumanji?"

I could go on, but really I've talked too much about this already.

Jumanji. It's a good movie. Some might call it awesome.


NOT AWESOME- Feet

Feet are so annoying! Some people have feet that are much smaller than they should be, and there are others that are 5'5" and wear size 14. What the hell. Foot size is nature's little joke- who says we need body proportion?

Think about this: some people are genetically predisposed to look like they need clown shoes. Very funny, God.

I know I'm now stating the obvious, but they smell too! They make foot deorderant, but that just sucks too. It's one of things you never want to admit you have to use- even though almost everybody probably should use it.

Not all feet are ugly, but they're few and far between. And even if you saw a nice pair of feet, what do you say to the owner?

"Nice feet"?.

"My, you sure do have some good-looking feet!"

Not doing it for me. Not that this comes up very often in conversation, but you've got to be prepared for these things.

Besides, there's really no solace in having nice feet or not- at least not when there's apparently whole ... group... of people that think feet are the most erotic part of the body.

Ever hear of a footjob?

Well, for those of you who haven't, I'll give you five seconds to guess what it is.

Got it?

Yeah.....

Doesn't that seem really weird? Bachman Turner Overdrive once said that any love is good love, but I'm going to have to disagree with them here.

Plus there seems to be an awful lot of risk involved there. One slip and you'll be two octaves higher for a week.

But all that being said, here's what pisses me off the most about feet:

They're too weak and sensitive! Walking around with a little rock in your shoe is the worst feeling ever. I'm 6'2"-6'3", and one of the worst things I could say is, "Wait up, guys. There's this pebble in my shoe really bothering me. Watch as I take off my shoe, turn it upside down, and see the pebble exit. Then I can put my shoe back on and we can move again." That really brings out the tough side of me, right?

It's such a small thing, but it's really aggravating, annoying, and potentially embarrassing.

Don't give me this crap about "it happens to everyone". That's no matter. The problem is feet suck. Very rarely do you see people walking about barefoot voluntarily day in and day out. I know they're around, but most people need some sort of footwear. Why?

At what point did evolution decide to pass up on stronger, more durable feet? Do you know of any other walking creature that wears shoes???? NO! They're all fine- you don't seem them walking on all fours wimpering and crying over how much their paws, hooves, whatever, hurt them. What a load of shit!

And furthermore, you know how much it costs them to walk around? NOTHING. What about me? $54.99. Plus tax.

Man, I'm so pissed off now.

You know who's at fault for this?

The original shoemakers and cobblers!

If it weren't for you guys, we wouldn't have this problem! We'd all have well-adapted, powerful feet, which we could use to crush all in our path! Wouldn't that be awesome????