Today was a bad day.
I know it's only 12:30, but here me out.
Obama passed the health care bill.
Now I'm not upset by this in it of itself. I think it's a good idea of theory- in practice, we'll see.
But the problem is, a special news report was aired covering the historic event. Which leads me to a very special not awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Shit that Interrupts "The Price is Right"
Why does all this crap have to happen during one of my favorite shows- the ONLY show I ever watch during the day time.
I mean, I like Ellen a lot, but if I had to choose between TPIR and Ellen, TPIR is going to win every time.
So how fucking unlucky do I have to be for this to be consistently interrupted by other events, knocking it off the air?
I mean what the hell!
WHY DOES "IMPORTANT" SHIT ONLY HAPPEN DURING THE ELEVEN A.M. HOUR?!
As I previously mentioned, today Obama signed the health care bill. Like it or not, this is a newsworthy event. I'm man enough to admit that.
But Goddamn! It wasn't the fucking State of the Union address!
I don't know who was in attendence during the press conference, but DID EVERYONE HAVE TO APPLAUD AFTER EVERY OTHER WORD JOE BIDEN OR BARACK OBAMA SAID?
I imagine halfway through Obama could have said something like this:
"I"
APPLAUSE!
"took a"
APPLAUSE!
"two-flush"
APPLAUSE!
"mega-shit earlier."
APPLUASE!
"Buffalo wings."
UPROARIOUS APPLUASE!
All this applause wastes time! Appluase is not newsworthy! I don't care whether the people in the room support the bill!
I COULD BE MISSING FUCKING PLINKO! LET'S MOVE THIS SHIT ALONG!
But, at least this was the President of the United States of American getting between me and my beloved game show. I mean, he's not just anybody. This was real honest to God news- something I hadn't really seen in a while.
NOT LIKE THE LAST FUCKING TIME TPIR GOT DICKED OVER.
Tiger Woods- maybe a lot of people have forgiven you- but not this guy! You are now on a my shitlist. And that's a hard list to get off, fuckwad.
It was a Friday morning- looking to start off the weekend right. Get my Price is Right on. BUT WAIT!
Tiger Woods is breaking his silence!
QUICK!
Get this man a podium and the national news!
Let's let him speak to us about shit that doesn't concern us in the slightest for fifteen minutes!
He's a celebrity!
Oooohhh, ahhhh.
WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?!
I don't care who Tiger Woods boned OR how often his wife beat him, it's not as good as watching the little hiker guy fall off the cliff in "Cliffhanger".
The following is a list of things it's okay to interrupt the Price is Right for:
1) National Security Issue!
2) Osama was captured!
3) Aliens discovered/invading!
4) Horrific Amusement Park Accident!
5) Breaking News: Sean Connery dies!
6) Assassination!
7) Kurt Cobain discovered living with Osama!
8) Kurt Cobain discovered living with aliens!
9) Kurt Cobain discovered living!
10) Breaking news: Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Sean Connery actually same person!
11) Fabio hit in the face by another goose!
Yep, that's pretty much it. Those are things it would be okay to stop airing of TPIR.
You know what's not on the list?
TIGER FUCKING WOODS, AND THE GODDAMN HEALTH CARE BILL!
It's not that I don't care about these things-
Well, it's not that I don't care about the health care bill-
But can't it at least wait until 12?
Cause you know what's on at 12?
Infomercials.
That's right, infomercials.
So let me ask you this, Internets:
If we can't trust the government and major news outlets to eliminate infomercials and ensure that we get our Price is Right, then what the fuck can we trust them with?
What the fuck are they good for?
Absolutely nothing!
Not awesome. For sure.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (3-20-10)
I have an idea for a movie called "March Madness".
It's a comedy-horror flick, in which so many upsets occur in the NCAA Men's Basketball Div. I Tournament that the human mind fails and mass insanity occurs, with only the most strong-willed and intelligent left to survive through the chaos of the crazy.
Oh, come on, it can't be that bad!
AWESOME: Rickrolling
Ah, the wonders of the internet. You can information on virtually every topic known to man, watch TV, keep in touch with your friends, even find someone to fuck!
In fact, it's really easy to share something interesting with your friends via the internet. For example, you can post in an e-mail to a friend:
"Hey friend,
Check out this really cool blog I found. This guy is really funny and interesting. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ"
And if the friend is like most people, he doesn't even bother to look at the link and just blindly clicks it, and...
BOOM!
Now he's watching Rick Astley's music video for his 80's hit, "Never Gonna Give You Up", a hilariously awkward thing to be caught watching at your place of work, or a school library.
For those of you who don't know, Rick Astley is a scrawny nerdy looking white guy with a voice that you would typically associate with a heavy set black guy. Really, that doesn't even do it justice. Everybody who's heard this song is shocked that this man is singing it. I don't know what that says about our perception of people, but it's kinda like hearing a Snoop Dogg song and then finding out that it wasn't Snoop Dogg at all. It was Weird Al.
It hurts the mind.
But it's so entertaining to cause other people to experience the mindfuck and shame accompanied with a Rickroll. "Never Gonna Give You Up" is the perfect song to do something like this.
So whoever thought of this, I salute you.
You're a genius and you're awesome.
Why you thought of doing this?
I'll never know.
NOT AWESOME: Time
Fuck time! It can kiss my ass! It always does the same fucking thing, and it's way inconvenient!
How come really enjoyable things go by so quickly and shit that fucking sucks lasts forever?!
And don't give me any bullshit about perception or anticipation being the cause. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but if time wasn't such a bitch it wouldn't matter!
But that's not all. There's never enough of it.
I never get the shit I want or need to get done in a given day accomplished. I swear time conspires to sabotage me.
I mean, look at the blog!
You think I like that I've hardly written anything since October?
NO!
But that's what time does to you. You got responsibilities, and a fixed number of hours in the day. So as responsibilities go up, time should too! But it doesn't. Something's got to give, and unfortunately this blog probably won't get me good grades or a job, so see ya, Awesome/Not Awesome.
In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Azkaban (you know, the HP book that kicked major ass but the film that blew ass chunks), Hermione has this hourglass that allows her to time travel a few hours back, so she can get more shit done or find time to sleep or something.
I need that! Dude! I'm sick and tired of being time's bitch!
Although, if I'm gonna time travel, I want to do with some style.... a DeLorean!
And then Awesome/Not Awesome wouldn't have to die because I ran out of time.... wait a minute, I got all the time I want, I got a time machine! I could go back and warm myself!
Time's a piece of shit! Gotta go!
starckie!
Noooooooo, you bastards!
Not awesome!
It's a comedy-horror flick, in which so many upsets occur in the NCAA Men's Basketball Div. I Tournament that the human mind fails and mass insanity occurs, with only the most strong-willed and intelligent left to survive through the chaos of the crazy.
Oh, come on, it can't be that bad!
AWESOME: Rickrolling
Ah, the wonders of the internet. You can information on virtually every topic known to man, watch TV, keep in touch with your friends, even find someone to fuck!
In fact, it's really easy to share something interesting with your friends via the internet. For example, you can post in an e-mail to a friend:
"Hey friend,
Check out this really cool blog I found. This guy is really funny and interesting. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ"
And if the friend is like most people, he doesn't even bother to look at the link and just blindly clicks it, and...
BOOM!
Now he's watching Rick Astley's music video for his 80's hit, "Never Gonna Give You Up", a hilariously awkward thing to be caught watching at your place of work, or a school library.
For those of you who don't know, Rick Astley is a scrawny nerdy looking white guy with a voice that you would typically associate with a heavy set black guy. Really, that doesn't even do it justice. Everybody who's heard this song is shocked that this man is singing it. I don't know what that says about our perception of people, but it's kinda like hearing a Snoop Dogg song and then finding out that it wasn't Snoop Dogg at all. It was Weird Al.
It hurts the mind.
But it's so entertaining to cause other people to experience the mindfuck and shame accompanied with a Rickroll. "Never Gonna Give You Up" is the perfect song to do something like this.
So whoever thought of this, I salute you.
You're a genius and you're awesome.
Why you thought of doing this?
I'll never know.
NOT AWESOME: Time
Fuck time! It can kiss my ass! It always does the same fucking thing, and it's way inconvenient!
How come really enjoyable things go by so quickly and shit that fucking sucks lasts forever?!
And don't give me any bullshit about perception or anticipation being the cause. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but if time wasn't such a bitch it wouldn't matter!
But that's not all. There's never enough of it.
I never get the shit I want or need to get done in a given day accomplished. I swear time conspires to sabotage me.
I mean, look at the blog!
You think I like that I've hardly written anything since October?
NO!
But that's what time does to you. You got responsibilities, and a fixed number of hours in the day. So as responsibilities go up, time should too! But it doesn't. Something's got to give, and unfortunately this blog probably won't get me good grades or a job, so see ya, Awesome/Not Awesome.
In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Azkaban (you know, the HP book that kicked major ass but the film that blew ass chunks), Hermione has this hourglass that allows her to time travel a few hours back, so she can get more shit done or find time to sleep or something.
I need that! Dude! I'm sick and tired of being time's bitch!
Although, if I'm gonna time travel, I want to do with some style.... a DeLorean!
And then Awesome/Not Awesome wouldn't have to die because I ran out of time.... wait a minute, I got all the time I want, I got a time machine! I could go back and warm myself!
Time's a piece of shit! Gotta go!
starckie!
Noooooooo, you bastards!
Not awesome!
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