Awesome/Not Awesome (10-1-09)

Originally published 10-1-09

October. What a great month. Football’s in full swing and hockey is starting up. Most awesome. But what else can I talk about this month. How about…

AWESOME- Take-a-Penny, Leave-a-Penny.

TAPLAP. Just saying it is fun.

The whole idea is that if you buy something that comes out to, say $2.01, that you can “take a penny” from this little dish at the counter and then you won’t have to carry around all that bothersome change. I guess it’s more of a convenience for the clerk; although, having been a clerk, I have to say I’d much rather count out the 99 cents so as to prevent my mind from going to waste. Without coins, you just drone on, dealing with credit cards and paper bills- and eventually, you become a zombie (and Woody Harrelson wouldn’t like that).

Yes, take a penny. Then you can avoid having change on you, so that the next time you buy something and need change, YOU TAKE ANOTHER PENNY. Genius, really. Abuse the system so you can more or less steal PENNIES. It’s like what they tried to do in Office Space- except you might get one dollar out of this, per year.

Interestingly, it’s the same people that take pennies that leave them so often. I once stood behind a woman in line who dropped about 40 cents in change into the TAPLAP dish. 40 cents! There was a quarter in there! Can you imagine being the guy that needs THAT kind of change? Has this woman never heard of pockets?

I’m convinced people like her are unaware that change has any monetary value at all. The last time I cashed in my rolls of coins (from about 6 months of purchases), I had $28.50. WHAT IF THAT WERE IN THE TAPLAP DISH?

Some of you might be saying, now starckie, I’m sensing some anger in your type. Shouldn’t this be under NOT AWESOME?

No! And stop questioning me!

I was in Office Max in early September. I needed a folder for a class. And, lo and behold, I find a whole section of folders on sale for 1 cent each. What luck! Taking only 1 of them, I go to the counter. The clerk goes,
“Is that allllll, sir?”
And I say,
“Yep.”
“1 cent.”

First, I thought: Sweet, no tax. I’da been really pissed off if there was tax on 1 cent. What would it be- 1 cent? 100% tax on a penny. Screw that.

And so I pose to the clerk, who clearly does not get paid enough to deal with the likes of me, “Where’s your Take-a-Penny, Leave-a-Penny?” Turns out they didn’t have one. So, I say, “In theory, if you had a TAPLAP, could I just walk right out of the store with this and you’d take care of it for me?”

“Uhhh…sure. If we had one.”

So now it’s my dream to buy something solely from the money in the TAPLAP dish. I went back in there the next week- I didn’t need another folder, but if I got it for free I’ll take it. Turns out the sale was off- 25 cents each. A whole quarter, plus tax? Screw that, I’m not made of money.

And so the dream lives on. If I ever accomplish that dream, it would certainly be awesome.

Although, I’ve always wondered why the homeless never come into the stores, empty the dish, and then leave. If anybody needs a penny, it’s probably them.


NOT AWESOME- Plastic silverware

I hate it. It’s good for nothing except cake, and you can hardly call that practical.

The forks break like nothing. If I want to dip my popcorn chicken into sauce, I should be able to do that without going through 3 forks per piece! What the hell kind of plastic is this? You know how hard it is to break/tear plastic on other shit? It’s practically impossible! You ever have somebody hit over the head with a soda bottle (empty)? It hurts! How about a plastic fork? The fork breaks!

Listen, I don’t want to delicately look for the perfect area of chicken where the prongs of my fork can penetrate into the soft, delicious center of the chicken. When I put my fork into meat, I expect the damn thing to work! What’s the point of manufacturing them if they serve no purpose?

The knives suck too. Although to be fair, if you’re eating with a plastic knife the odds are you’re eating on a plastic plate as well. And what’s the first thing you successfully cut with a plastic knife?

THE PLASTIC PLATE!

God damn it!

But the suckage doesn’t stop there. The number one reason why I use my plastic knife to begin with is because my plastic fork doesn’t work; thus, I must cut my chicken into pieces, so that afterwards, I can use my fork to finally pick up the Goddamn chicken! Eating should not be this difficult! It takes 2 minutes to do something that should take about 5 seconds- 10 if you’ve never used a fork before.

But at least the spoons aren’t too terrible. They don’t hold a lot of soup, but that’s okay- at least they serve their basic function. However, there is a problem with them- you ever have them melt on you?

I know that sounds ridiculous, but I bet it can be done.

In fact, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go and find a few homeless guys, and we’re going to go in every store in a 5 mile radius and take all the pennies we need to get a whole heaping shitload of plastic spoons. And then we’ll get soup- all kinds of soup!-and we will prove that your spoon can indeed melt on you.

After that, one of us may be able to file a lawsuit against Shitty Plastic Silverware Manufacturer, Inc. And you know what, just for fun, we’ll sue Take-a-Penny Leave-a-Penny Manufacturer, Inc. as well. Goddamn enablers.

The sad part is, I bet somebody will read this and think, “Now that’s a good idea!” And I have no idea if that is awesome.