Special Not Awesome (8-17-10)

I saw something disturbing the other day.

Can you guess what it was?
a) A raccoon was hit by a train, and one half of his body was lying on one side of the tracks, and the other half…. Was on the other side of the tracks.

b) I changed the channel quickly and saw Derek Jeter making out his manager Joe Girardi on Rescue Me.

c) The Bills got absolutely stomped by the Redskins in their first preseason game.

Give up?

Well, I saw (a) once a couple of years ago, and (c) happened the other NIGHT.

But the correct real answer is… the trailer for the “film” Vampires Suck.

(By the way, (b) never happened)

And so, I bring you a very special Not Awesome, Vampires Suck.

1) First problem, the title. Vampires Suck.

That’s very creative.

I can only assume Vampire Movie is also in the works and has already been copyrighted by the Wayans brothers.

But actually the biggest issue I have is vampires don’t suck. TWILIGHT sucks.

What Stephanie Myer’s DONE to vampires suck.

In fact, vampires were pretty much ALWAYS COOL until this little fucking fad came along!

Dracula- awesome. Countless movie versions, rip-offs like Nosferatu that were still pretty fucking awesome in the own right, the Castlevania games.

All of these things are cool.

Now, imagine that a bunch of hormonal teenage girls tranquilized Dracula and proceeded to run the train on his passed out ass in a really fucked up version of the pregnancy pact.

(As if the pregnancy pact wasn't fucked up enough)

Then fast forward nine months (do half-vampires need that long to develop?) and all these girls squirt out a bunch of bastard vampires. Let’s say that they have … oh, I don’t know, 15 little vamps. Then each year they kill off the ugliest one and/or the one that appears to be most masculine. So by the kids’ 16th birthday only one of them is left. Then they put the little fuck in a wind tunnel and tell him over and over again that no girl will ever love him, because he’s too fucking moody, and that he’s part-vampire. He’s a circus freak, but not even the cool kind of freak that people want to see, he’s like the bearded woman.

They leave him in there for 2 years.

And there you have the concept of Edward . . . Whatever his last name is. I’m guessing Voorhees.

Then, after that, the chick who fathered him calls up Dracula.

Dracula: Hello?

Chick: Hey Dracula.

Dracula: Who’s this?

Chick: Oh, my name’s not important. Do you remember some 20 years ago when you were gang raped violently?

Dracula: What?! No!

Chick: Oh, right, we tranq’d you.

Dracula: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Chick: Anyways, yeah, turns out you had 15 illegitimate children. You think you’re scary, thank God we didn’t make you pay child support? (laughter)

Dracula: (silence)

Chick: Geez… can’t take a fucking joke. But uh, Drac, listen, my son Edward he could really use a father figure in his life, especially after we’ve trained him to be a pussy for the past 18 years. So you’re pretty badass, I figure you can teach him how to be cool right?

Dracula: Wrong, bitch.

Chick: I tell you what. I’ll make this real easy on you. Either you give Edward some of your cool legacy, or I’ll tell the world a bunch of fucking teenage girls raped you in your sleep. Your choice.

Dracula: Then go ahead and talk. I won’t do it.

Chick: You’ll rue the day you crossed me.

Dracula: You fucking raped me, you stupid asshole! Now you want me to do you a favor? Fuck you! (click)

So now the chick, unable to make good on her threat, since you know, she would expose herself as a rapist, is left with the fucking kid, and Dracula turns in a whiny shell of himself after being sexually abused.

What are we left with?

Shitty ass Twilight vampires suck SO FUCKING BAD that other vampires have to go into hiding, never to be awesome again.

ALL THIS BECAUSE OF THE TITLE.

Vampires suck. Hm. Well, NOW they do!

2) The fan-chick fight

One of the big jokes pushed in the trailer is the fight between Team Edward and Team Jacob fangirls.

This has been old since before it was born. It was cliché as it was being written.

I mean, fuck, THERE ARE FACEBOOK GROUPS MAKING FUN OF THIS “ISSUE” THAT ARE FUNNIER THE FIGHT IN THE TRAILER.

Imagine if New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox fans just took turns saying, “Yankees are better”, “No Red Sox are better, Yankees suck” and so on and so forth for an hour and a half.

How long would it take it you to stop listening to that? I’m guessing 2 minutes.

Now, take the same argument, and give them weapons. The dialogue is exactly the same, with both sides only able to express their desires or loves in the most basic way imaginable.

Does this make it funny now?

Nope. Just makes it sad. Like they’re trying so damn hard to be funny, there’s no way they can be (kind of like the past couple of seasons of Family Guy).

3) This whole thing should be a MADtv sketch.

Listen, when the parody or exploitation you’re making is the same length as the movie you’re mocking, you’re going to have problems.

Trust me, I’ve made a fucking living making fun of Twilight, and honestly there’s not that much to say about it. It’s just the same shit over and over again.

And that’s all the movie is, just all the jokes that everyone’s been telling each other about Twilight for the past two or three years except you’ve got to pay to hear/see them this time.

But let’s give it the benefit of the doubt that there is at least SOME original material in the fucking thing.

I personally guarantee that material is not any longer than 5 minutes. In other words, this is sketch comedy shit.

But everybody already knows that!

It’s no secret that everybody knows this movie is utter shit. Fucking everybody.

And do you know why it’s made?

Because (a) people who like Twilight way too much will go to see it to laugh at themselves- but in reality it’s kinda of like really shitty pot jokes- only stoners think it's funny.

(b) people who really hate Twilight will go to feel in the loop, like some people pick on people named Meg because they saw Peter make fun of someone named Meg on Family Guy. In other words, because they’re idiots.

(c) people have proven time and time again that really shitty pop culture-laden shit-tertainment sells. There have been what 4 Scary Movies (only 2 of them worth any of time at all, and none of them actually good movies), Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans…. I’m sure I’m missing more. So fuck you people for going to see those movies. Until these “fad movies” stop making money, they’re going to plague us.

So, please, don’t go to see Vampires Suck. Don’t do anything about Vampires Suck. Just ignore this shit.

If you do, you’ll force Hollywood to be responsible for their comedy.

Or at least what they’re passing off as comedy.

I can’t wait until they make Awesome Movie/Not Awesome Movie the double feature. No doubt based on the enormous success of this blog.