If an Ewok and a Wookie have a child… is it human sized?
AWESOME: Posterboards
I fucking love poster boards.
The list of reasons they are awesome is seemingly endless:
1) They’re cheap. Like $1 for the most basic white piece of shit up to $10 for the best most awesome sturdy ass cardboard. But you can find one to match any fucking situation- and it’s never going to break your wallet.
2) They come in all sorts of colors. Like literally every color on the pallet. (Haha, get it?) Neon green, orange, black, red, yellow, you name it they probably have it. So when you’re at the science fair and everybody shows up with their boring white, you can show up with a blazing red that screams “MY SCIENCE PROJECT KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOURS.”
3) You can put absolutely anything on a poster board and it will automatically look a million times more legitimate. And I mean anything.
“Study proves Jumanji best Robin Williams movie ever”
Throw a few made-up charts on there and you’ve got yourself a kickass presentation.
Other examples: “Undershirts make men sexier”
“Beeker is a racist and I can prove it.”
“John 3:16”
Alright- maybe we found a counterexample. In my opinion, Bible quotes and shit like that actually seem LESS plausible/legitimate the more they appear on poster boards.
Why the hell is that?
The Bible is the bestselling book of all-time (I think) and there’s at least a billion people who claim to be Christian. So why is it when Christians and non-Christians alike see some dude with a religious poster board, we all assume he’s nuts?
I think that’s for a different post.
Anyway, I could go on with reasons why poster boards are the shit, but I’m going to leave you with this: the most awesome poster board I ever had a hand in making.
When I was in high school, I did track off and on. The last year I didn’t do it, my friend of mine and I decided to make inspiring or supportive poster boards for our friends on the team.
Besides the usual shit- like “Win the race!” and below it a picture of Batman making out with Robin- we, for no reason, made a poster board of the hammer and sickle.
Yellow construction paper on a red poster board. It looked fucking sweet. And when our team raced by, or launched that javelin, or whatever, we stood on the sidelines- proudly implying that they were Communists!
God bless America! And God bless poster boards!
NOT AWESOME: Fans
I’m not talking fanatics. I’m talking your good ol’ regular fan that supposed to make you cooler when that nasty summer heat hits.
Or, if it’s 2010, anytime between May and August, with no break-up in the heat for one Goddamn minute.
Now, important to note here: I do not have an air conditioner. … Anywhere.
So, next best thing. Fans! Yeah, it’s like a cool breeze hitting you constantly!
Except for the part about getting cooler!
I mean, FUCK, I had four fans going in my house (in various rooms) for several hours AND NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THOSE ROOMS GOT ANY COOLER AT ANY POINT.
What a cocktease!
If your fans don’t make you cooler, then what the fuck are the good for?
Why do we have them?
I think I’ve come up with an answer. It’s all freaking psychological.
We all know fans don’t do jack. But we hear the sound of those blades turning, and the occasional half a second of relief from the heat, and we convince ourselves that they work. It’s like a defense mechanism or something.
Like, we only use the fans, even if they provide nothing to us, because it’s better than sitting in the sweltering heat…. In silence.
I’m serious. I think it’s the sound. It’s so comforting, kind of like when you’re in a car with someone you don’t really know and that song comes on that you fucking hate (probably “Party in the U.S.A.” ) but you leave it on anyway just because it fills the void left by your inability to carry on a meaningful conversation with that weird guy who you decided to help out even though he lives only like two blocks away.
That two block drive in silence is infinitely shittier than the same two block drive with Miley Cyrus in the background.
This may be the only time that Miley Cyrus is preferred over silence. But you get the picture.
We use fans because we don’t want to admit that we’re powerless against summer.
Or that we can’t afford a fucking air conditioner.
Not awesome...
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