Awesome/Not Awesome (8-13-10)

I was driving home today and the Spice Girls came on.

I was flabbergasted. Do you know how many significantly better bands from the 90s I never hear on the radio? But the Spice Girls come on.

So, of course, I listened. And it got me thinking-

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”

Odd request for someone who’s interested in me, but sure, I’ll do all your friends and then we can do it after. If that’s what it’s gonna take, then Goddamn it I’ll do it. We all have crosses to bear.


AWESOME: Rollercoaster Tycoon

I know shitloads of people who played this game- and a shitload more people who still do. Fact is, rollercoasters kick ass!

So, what do you think RCT is all about? It’s basically SIM city (not the Sims, fuck that game) except that you’re making amusement parks from scratch.

From those of you who recall my awesome about amusement park accidents and might be wondering what sort of hellish casket coasters I’m forcing the good fictional people of …. RCT computergameland to ride, don’t worry.

I typically like to kill my employees more than the guests. Particularly the people in Tigger-like suits, via drowning.

I had a troubled childhood.

But anyways, the object of the game is to build successful, not fatal rides in a successful lawsuit-free park. You’re given various landscapes, money, and rides at the start of each scenario, and then some goal to strive for (x many guests, approval rating of x, park worth x- there’s a lot of x’s in this game!).

This game is addicting as hell- I swear it takes like 90 minutes to play a “year” in the game… but you never know it because each day is like 30 seconds. You can develop new rides every 4 weeks (or 15 minutes or something) and with so little time between the next best thing, I’m always saying “alright, next one is the last one.”

I don’t know why there’s such a deep satisfaction in making a good park. When you boil it all down, you’re doing the same shit over and over again.

Not like the Madden games.

Hm.

Well, not like online first person shooters.

…..No?

It’s definitely not like the Mario games. I mean, in 64 you collected 120 stars and in Sunshine you collect 120 sprites. Totally fucking different.

No matter what, check out RCT. You can probably find it for ten bucks and you only need windows 95 or 98 to play it! Now THAT'S awesome!


NOT AWESOME: Neighborhood Car Talkers

Sorry there’s not really an official term for this. Let me describe it for you….

I’m driving my car in Suburbia, U.S.A. Being a young person with a car, I drive like a maniac putting my own life in peril amongst quiet streets with children playing just a few feet from my speeding car, which will certainly leave no survivors if I happen to hit a group of them.

“Get outta the way fuckers! I got shit to do!”

Anyway, you’re swerving around the road, just barely missing kids, when you have to come to a complete stop, just because SOME asshole in a fucking Explorer has to stop and talk to his neighbor who’s standing on the side of the road.

You can’t squeeze around them- the car is dead center in the road.

So you just gotta wait for the conversation to end. Which should be soon. Right?

Oops. I forgot, I live in Suburbia, U.S.A. where every good neighborly person spends at least 45 minutes a day bullshitting with every other good neighborly person.

So, might as well shut the car off.

Save gas.

Take a nap.

Wait it out….

I wake up 20 minutes later when I realize that my head has been lying on the horn this whole time- clearly not a neighborly thing to do.

But, these people being better than I, go “Oh we better let him pass! Looks like he’s in a hurry!”

And then you drive by, and they both look at you like what the fuck man we were having a conversation except they don’t say what the fuck they do that weird make eye contact with you and subtly smile but I actually think you’re an asshole look.

I fucking hate that look.

So, yeah, I’m the asshole for wanting to use the road for driving, not for a social forum.

I’m not the asshole, you guys are!

I mean, if I was the asshole, I woulda hit some of those kids!

Go fuck yourselves! And then one of you get in the car and the other stand next to it and you can both bitch about it.

Dicks.