Awesome/Not Awesome (8-10-10)

Piranha 3-D? Shouldn’t this be airing on Sci-Fi? (Oh, excuse me ‘Sy-Fy’ or however they call themselves nowadays)

AWESOME: Power Walking

Don’t worry everyone. It’s not just cause it looks awesome!

In case you’re an idiot, power walking is kind of like regular walking except you overemphasize your arm movements like you’ve got a crick in your back and you’re desperately trying to get rid of it, while overemphasizing your swinging hips/ass like you’ve just discovered the modern club scene after spending a bunch of time in 70s disco’s.

In other words, you look like a complete dipshit when you power walk.

Now, if that doesn’t scream POWER I don’t know what does.

In fact, in early drafts of He-Man, Prince Adam would simply grab his sword… whatever it’s name is, and yell, “I have to POWER WALK!”

Oddly, this made the show slightly less shitty.

But I digress. Anyway, power walking kicks ass!

It’s so awesome that it should have its own commercial, which I imagine would go something like this:

“Everybody wants to look their best right? But no one wants to work for it!. Well now you can pretend to exercise with the POWER WALK!

Regular walking is easy but it can be so boring, and people may not even notice you trying to lose weight! Running on the other hand can be difficult and strenuous, and quite frankly, you don’t care nearly enough about your body to suffer for it! So get the best of both worlds by using the patented power walk!

The Power Walk gives you all the attention of the runner with all the comforts of the walker! All you have to do is sacrifice all your grace and self-respect! That’s Power Walk- walk with power (but without goals)!”

So, why is this awesome?

Easy. It takes serious balls to power walk. Who wants to admit they power walk? No one. But they do it anyway. They really don’t care what anyone else thinks- if they did, they wouldn’t power walk! And that’s awesome.


NOT AWESOME: “Speed Enforced By Aircraft”

You’re kidding right. Aircraft.

We have police toting around in small planes and helicopters trying to catch speeders on the interstate. As if they’re not enough cops on the road, now we gotta put them above us!

What’s next? Fucking jetpacked police?!

Out of all the things the government wastes money on (and as everyone knows, that includes PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING), this has got to be in the top ten stupidest, most unnecessary offenses.

How many speeders can you get flying over a stretch of road in an hour? Is it going to be enough to justify the cost of the fuel you’re spending FLYING over them?

I really doubt it.

I mean, c’mon, even if you could catch a shit-ton more speeders, do you really want to be that fucking guy?

People hate cops- or at least they do when they get pulled over for speeding.
So you could imagine how much it must fucking suck NOT to get pulled over doing 85 in a 60 when that ticket comes by mail three weeks later explaining that the object you thought was the local news’ traffic copter is out to get you.

You thought you could get away with it!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU DID. FUCK THIS SHIT.

How lazy do you have to be? You want my speeding ticket money, you want to reach your quota, come out here and get me you sons of bitches. That’s right- oh, boo hoo hoo, at my job I can’t just chillax in a plane until somebody fucks up, I actually have to do something!

Although you know what, I’ve actually never seen a “flying cop-ter” (ha- you get it, it’s like policeman is a cop and the “cop” in the helicopter and man I’m so creative!), so maybe this isn’t that big of a waste of money (and lack of balls) as I thought.

In which case…. Why would you put up such a stupid fucking sign with such a hilariously bad idea if you’re never going to do it anyway?

You think the sign alone is going to stop speeders? Fuck no!

Hell, even if you do use aircraft to enforce the speed limit, it’s not like they’re going to land the fucking plane on the interstate and then proceed to pull the offender over. In the end, the speeder is going to get to speed to wherever he wants and get fined later for it. It doesn’t make the roads any safer. It doesn’t do jack shit!

Alright so here’s the deal; this is my challenge to you, law enforcement pilots- catch me speeding from your lofty seats. You want me to believe in this horseshit, that you actually do monitor the roads like this, then fucking prove it. I ain’t afraid of you or your copters.

You all may enforce speed limit from aircraft, but I enforce my awesomeness right here from the road. And there ain’t shit you can do about it.

Until I receive that ticket three weeks later. Not awesome.