Awesome/Not Awesome (8-9-10)

I think that “hippo” is the most dangerous of all the silly-named animals. Just saying.

AWESOME: Prometheus and Bob

Nickelodeon of my youth, oh where have you gone?

There used to be a show called Kablam! (I believe the exclamation point was a part of the name. Does that mean there should be a period after that? Because I’m not too excited about saying that. It’s a statement. Maybe quotes will help?)

There used to be a show called “Kablam!”. (That looks awful. Oh well. Deal.)

And on this show, they had various segments/sketches, some of which were good and some of which sucked ass.

This was, in mine most humble opinion, their crowning glory: PROMETHEUS AND BOB.

It was a series of claymation videos depicting an alien, nicknamed Prometheus after the Greek god that supplied fire (see: knowledge) to mankind, trying to educate a caveman, nicknamed Bob after ….. Bob is a funny name for a caveman, about various topics like plumbing, boxing, farming, etc.

Important to note was that none of the videos depicted Prometheus OR Bob trying to get car insurance from Geico.

But of course, no matter what the topic, prehistoric monkeys would come and distract Bob or otherwise fuck things up, and Bob never learned how to do anything right, often hurting himself or others in the process.

SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT. But so good. Seriously, these still make me laugh uncontrollably.

Prometheus speaks English, but it sounds like he’s using Autotune before they perfected it. Some words are understandable, but most of the time it’s random electronic sounding noises. This is in sharp contrast to Bob, whose only spoken word appears to be “Hey!”. (There is it again, an exclamation point followed by a period. Is that right? Are there any grammar fanatics reading this?)

This is, of course, hilarious.

One of these days at work I’m only going to communicate with “Hey” and see how far that gets me. It can’t be as bad as the day I pretty much only communicated with noises from Banjo-Kazooie characters.

“See this, starckie, we’re going to clean up this bathroom.”

“Hey!”

“Hey. Now grab some Liquid Plumbr and a sponge.”

“Hey! Hey. Hey!”

“HEY! Go get that shit, will ya.”

(Pointing to the hall) “Hey!”

And right about there is the gunshot that ends my life.

So, anyway Prometheus and Bob is kinda like the Three Stooges, except that it has even less of a point. It’s so fucking good in ways I can’t even describe. I know it’s on Youtube. Give it a shot, cause it’s awesome.


NOT AWESOME: Crosswords

You know, every day I think, maybe this is the one.

The one time that I’m actually going to complete the fucking crossword in the newspaper.

But nooooooo!

They always have to throw some shit in there about famous British composers of the 1930s! You win this round, crosswords….

It’s by far the hardest activity in the newspaper, which is why it’s that much more frustrating WHEN I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.

Sudoku? Eh… basically it’s the same shit over and over again. I mean, I like Sudoku, but unless it’s 4 or 5 stars, you don’t really get that satisfaction of completing it.

Jumble? Slightly more variation, but still. Same shit. Although there’s more satisfaction in completing it on a day to day basis.

Cryptoquote?

Actually I fucking love the cryptoquote. Nobody talks shit about the cryptoquote.

But the crossword? A variety of clues designed to induce answers that artistically fill in spaces in a grid!

Sexy!

But unfortunately, I can’t do it. I just can’t.

I SWEAR THEY PUT IN ONE OR TWO CLUES A DAY THAT I HAVE NOT A FLYING FUCK OF A CHANCE TO GET.

They keep me trying, they taunt me, those teases.

Thank God it’s free!

Except for the whole cost of the newspaper thing.

Hmmm.

In that case.

DAMN YOU CROSSWORDS! HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE I WASTED ON YOU!!!!

Maybe I’m just not cut out for the crosswords.

Maybe I just don’t have the mental capacities to fill in little squares with letters in the hopes that they’ll look really cool when it’s done.

Maybe I should accept the fact that my inability to do this every day challenge is a sign that we are all diverse human beings with talents that vary just as much as our likes and dislikes, and I unfortunately did not land the crosswords gene.

Maybe I’ll just accept that I have limitations.

Cheah, and maybe if I try really really hard I can forget that Star Wars Episode 1 ever occurred.

Yeah fucking right!

I can do the crosswords!

Stop laughing!

I can! I’ll show you!

Newspaper crosswords . . . One day, I shall kill you.

That will be awesome . . . .