The Least Awesome Movies of 2010 (That I Didn't See)

I’ve had this idea for a while, and putting it bluntly what you see is what you get.

I’m going to list the movies, that I didn’t see, and the various reasons why I didn’t see it or why it sucked anyway. This could be because of a stupid premise, general reaction from critics, its pop culture status, etc.

These are by release date- not in terms of how bad they were.

TOOTH FAIRY

Although, it’s fitting this is first, since it makes me the most angry.

How long did it take Disney to come up with pile of shit? Take a hockey player- du-hur, they typically have bad teeth- and make him a tooth fairy!

I HAD BETTER MOVIE IDEAS THAN THAT IN THIRD GRADE!

I guess the funny part is that the Rock is a hockey player so notorious for hurting other players that he is nicknamed the tooth fairy, and in a …. Twist isn’t the word I’m looking for since you can see it coming from the opposite side of the globe, he has to BECOME a tooth fairy… for… some convenient plot reason! Oh Disney, when will the hilarity cease?!

This movie offends me for a couple of reasons.

1) Way to belittle possibly my favorite sport (next to football- it’s close)

2) How freaking intimidating of a hockey player can you be if the word “fairy” is in your nickname? The Rock “leads the league in penalty minutes”. When Dave Shultz did that for the Flyers (by the way he still holds the record for penalty minutes in a season, by far) he led that team to be called the “Broad Street Bullies”. Can you imagine if that team was led by Dave “the _____ fairy” Shultz? Listen Disney, you want me to believe the Rock becomes a supernatural entity exchanging teeth for money? Okay. Hockey goon nicknamed Tinkerbelle? Go f*** yourselves, I’m out.

3) The Rock isn’t a terrible actor! His movies aren’t good usually, but he’s alright! Why, Dwayne, why? Did you lose a couple million gambling? I don’t care what they’re paying you this is the sort of thing your grandkids are gonna laugh at you for! WHAT PRICE IS YOUR DIGNITY?

4) How many times are we going to see the uber-macho guy doing feminine, sensitive, or otherwise not manly things formula used? I mean for God’s sake, Disney themselves releases that movie like three times a year! I think Vin Diesel does one every three months!

5) Just because it’s a kids movie doesn’t mean you don’t have to try, Disney. The second I heard this premise, the 8-year-old kid starckie in my head went “Nope. I’ll just watch Aladdin again on VHS.” I hate movies that trick kids into accepting shitty quality. I don’t how much money this made, but any more than $30 worldwide is an outrage.



FROM PARIS WITH LOVE

I know virtually nothing about this movie, and I don’t care. Here’s why: if I’m going to watch a movie with the words “from”, “with”, and “love” in it, it’s going to be “From Russia With Love” (or “Love With that Girl From Korea” – I think that was unrated…

NOTE: THAT SECOND MOVIE DOESN’T EXIST (to my knowledge) I KNOW ONE OF YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT IT DID.



ALICE IN WONDERLAND

I already wrote about this movie in a “Not Awesome” entry, so I’m going to keep this brief. My main gripe with it was that virtually everybody I know proclaimed this to be “movie-of-the-millennium” quality after hearing Tim Burton was directing it, Johnny Depp was in it, and the visuals were good. And that I was ostracized for even hinting that it might be anything less since nobody’s seen it yet!



THE BOUNTY HUNTER

For reasons I won’t get into, I have a fairly good idea of what this movie is about, and this is all I’ll say.: One of the stupidest premises EVER, and this movie is exhibit A on why Jennifer Aniston should no longer be taken seriously as an actress- speaking of which, does anybody from Friends really have a career anymore?



DEATH AT A FUNERAL

I hate how once every year, most of the black actors/actresses in Hollywood get together, determined to make a move that will put African-Americans back another 20 years. This movie seemed especially determined to do that since IT WAS A REMAKE OF A BRITISH (SEE: BETTER) MOVIE OF THE SAME NAME NOT MORE THAN TWO YEARS AGO. That’s a really quick turnaround. And with more accessibility to foreign movies now than ever before, why bother with this shit?

Note: I didn’t see the British version either.



ROBIN HOOD

Didn’t I see a movie like this before? With Russell Crowe? Didn’t it win a lot of awards and shit, and I really liked it? Yeah, I’ll go watch that instead.



SEX AND THE CITY 2

Nuff said.



KILLERS

Sorry Ashton Kutcher, after Punk’d, that 70s show, and Dude, Where’s My Car?, I’m not buying it. I don’t even know if this was supposed to be a comedy or not, and I assure you, I don’t care.



MARMADUKE

WHAT!?!?! How you make a movie about Marmaduke, I’ll never know. I am amazed that there is a writer or group of writers out there capable of coming up with a screenplay about Marmaduke before committing suicide.



THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE

Oh Jesus. Is this a more impressive feat than writing Marmaduke? I bet this movie was even worse than it. I mean, Nicholas Cage as the sorcerer… oh boy. This kinda defies logic, I don’t know if words exist to properly convey my amazement that this exists. This is proof Disney should do everything they can to have Pixar do everything for them, because obviously Disney is fresh out of ideas of any kind.



SALT

I saw the trailer, and here’s what I thought: Jason- oh wait- Angelina Bourne. No thanks.



VAMPIRES SUCK

Again, I already wrote this about this. See that for the details… but I will say this. At least the Twilight movies… are actual movies. Not good movies (I haven’t seen them either, so I’m qualified to say that), but I hate “fad” movies.



WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

Insert “Shia LeBeouf” into any movie, and it almost guarantees I won’t see it.



JACKASS 3-D

This is what Youtube is for. I’m not paying for this.



UNSTOPPABLE

Runaway train. Denzel Washington. Being kind of a dick…. Umm…. Okay?

What exactly is the draw to this movie? The “based on a true story” part?

C’mon Denzel you’re better than this.



YOGI BEAR

Absolutely nothing in the trailer made me laugh. Or smile. Or stop banging my head against the wall. 8-year-old starckie couldn’t find a reason, even the most ill-based nostalgic ones, to go see this movie.

But I’m glad to see the dude who played the titular “Ed” on that TV show is getting work. I really liked that show!



LITTLE FOCKERS

As mentioned many times before, I hate Ben Stiller. And Owen Wilson ain’t much better.

Furthermore,

a)Meet the Parents wasn’t funny (I did see that)

b)Meet the Fockers looked terrible.

c)The trailer for Little Fockers looked even worse.

d)Is this the end for Robert DeNiro? Like the end, I’m done taking him seriously as an actor? I know his career has been steadily going downhill for a while now, but I don’t know if I can continue hoping that he’ll turn it around. Too painful.

e)Is that Dustin Hoffman? Noooo, man, not you too. You don’t need this.
f)Is that BARBRA STREISAND?!

THIS MOVIE NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED.




Well, that’s it. The worst movies of the year that I didn’t see. Disagree with me? Let me know- especially if one of these can restore my faith in God by actually being good.