AWESOME REVIEWS: TRUE GRIT
Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve had a review, but I want to make a few things clear before I start:
1) I have a lot more experience in general with movies since my last review.
2) I’m somewhat biased when it comes to the Coen Brothers… even though I’ve only seen a few of their movies, I greatly enjoy them.
3) I have NOT seen the original “True Grit”
And with that, let’s dive right in.
As with many other Coen brothers’ films, it starts off with a monologue delivered by an older Mattie Ross, whom we’re soon introduced to as played by Hailee Steinfeld. We’re told that Tom Cheney (Josh Brolin), a notorious outlaw, shot and killed Mattie’s father, and while Mattie goes to deal with her late father’s affairs, she discovers that local law enforcement does not hold much hope for finding the murderer. Undeterred, she hires Col. Reuben “Rooster” Cogburn, a rough U.S. Marshall played by Jeff Bridges to bring Cheney to justice. Unfortunately for Mattie, however, a Mr. Texas-Ranger-and-don’t-you-forget-it LeBoeuf is also out to collect the bounty on Cheney, who’s escaped into Indian territory- provided Cheney goes to Texas for prosecution- against Mattie's intentions. Cogburn and LeBoeuf head out to find him, but Mattie has no desire to miss out on the hunt.
Awesome/Not Awesome has a strict NO SPOILER policy which now compels me to stop.
Anddddd… the breakdown.
AWESOME:
1) THE SUPPORTING CAST
I know this is kind of a weird thing to list first, but for as good as the principal cast was (and they were- I’ll get to it), what really got me deeply involved in the story from the get-go was the wide variety of supporting cast members that the casting director absolutely NAILED. I mean, people were spot-on- and I feel like another movie could have been made just about the inhabitants of the town. The movie spends a good deal of time in the town before heading out to Indian territory, and between all the people at a boarding house/hotel, courtroom, undertaker’s residence, etc., I got sucked in. It was impossible not to.
2) THE PRINCIPAL CAST
While at first, Hailee Steinfeld didn’t really do it for me, I was more and more impressed with her as the movie went on. Mattie Ross is the central figure of the story- it is told from her perspective- and it was not exactly an easy role. She sorta falls into that smack-talking I-know-a-disproportionate-amount-of-information-about-everything-considering-my-age category that arose sometime around Home Alone, but she manages to make it much more endearing (as opposed to annoying like so many other characters in the type do). It was greatly satisfying seeing that she was only person for whom Cheney’s capture is personal, and I’m not sure why. You could say her character exhibited “TRUE GRIT” in her determination to have her revenge (cue laugh track here).
Matt Damon did a great job as the Texas Ranger LeBoeuf, although (for reasons I won’t explain but that may be forgivable) I think his accent wasn’t exactly consistent through the movie. I don’t know- I’d have to see it again to confirm- but it was thoroughly enjoyable to see him get into a spat with virtually anyone else in the cast- Steinfeld, Bridges, etc.- and c’mon, who wouldn’t want to see some uppity condescending don’t-mess-with-Texas asshole get his ass handed to him verbally or physically? It’s why so many people hate the Dallas Cowboys!
While I wish Josh Brolin had a bit more screen time, it’s certainly understandable why he didn’t. After all, he’s the bounty the three main characters spend most of the movie looking for. He was really solid though, and when he finally did appear- after all we’d heard about Tom Cheney- it made it that much more satisfying.
But, of course, the scene-stealer was Jeff Bridges as Rooster Cogburn. Bridges was, in a word, phenomenal. Cogburn is known for his eye patch, his knack for shooting criminals rather than bringing them to justice, and his love of White Russians [citation needed]. Like Brolin, we’re introduced to him through quick stories and glimpses at first- but the character sets the mood and pace for the whole story with the aforementioned courtroom scene. Bridges’ low, gravelly, slow voice is the perfect foil to Damon’s LeBoeuf, and as a movie-goer I found myself being guided along by Cogburn just as Ross did.
3) THE CINEMATOGRAPHY/SET/COSTUMING
I could watch this movie again without audio and still come away satisfied. You can tell how much effort was put into every shot- and if there’s one thing I hate- it’s lazy film-making. The movie wastes no time showing the intricacies of the town- the outhouse, the advertisements, the dress, etc.- but what really sells it is the vastness of the country which they seem to capture on every shot once they’re out in the Indian territory. The landscape is huge, the lone structures strategically placed, the sun perfectly positioned- and I was more and more impressed as the movie went on. By the climax and (I wish I could say more), I forgot about the characters and just got lost in the scenery. Anybody wanting to know anything about what movies should look like and what you can accomplish with attention to detail need look no further.
4) THE WRITING
There is definitely a learning curve to the language used in the film, and it took me about 15 minutes to really understand clearly what was being said- and then another 15 minutes to understand what Jeff Bridges alone was saying. That’s not a bad thing- for me, it reminds me that this was another time and adds to the scope of the story- but it is something you need to be aware of, especially if you’re not a huge Western guy (and lord knows I’m not). That being said, the dialogue is appropriate, witty, and impressive. I found myself thinking at multiple times during the movie how much research it must have taken to get the script right. I appreciate the colloquialisms and idioms of the time, and coupled with actors (see 1 and 2) that are perfect for their respective roles, you’ve got one hell of a script. I’d love to get my hands on a copy of the script and read it. (Maybe I should just get the book?)
NOT AWESOME
Most of these will be pettier things since I’ve pretty much praised the film left and right.
1) As mentioned above, I would have liked to see more Matt Damon and Josh Brolin, but it didn’t detract from the movie at all. Maybe it’s just that they were pushed so much in the ads? I don’t know.
2) At least twice there were some audio/visual problems. Like they used one take’s audio and another’s visual, or they used a take with dialogue that was cut. Again, nothing major, but when I saw it, it took me a couple seconds to figure out what the hell happened.
3) At times, it approached unnecessarily brutal. Now, I realize I’m watching a Western here, and things WERE brutal back then, so maybe this isn’t a fair criticism. But there were two/three instances that shocked me with how frankly portrayed it was. However, I would much rather have a problem with that than the alternative. NOT showing the most disturbing violence would have probably killed the atmosphere of the movie. Chalk this one up to personal bias.
4) At an hour and 50 minutes, it was slightly too long. But I have no fricking idea what I’d cut. It all seemed necessary, and the movie built the suspense well.
5) There were no slamming women in the whole thing. Totally a guy thing to say, and honestly, only a gripe now that I’m thinking about it. We could have used one smoking hot townie or something! They had whores back then! Hell, they probably had MORE whores!
Overall, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being shitty and 10 being mind-blowing, True Grit gets a…
9.5: Practically everything in this movie is done better than I’ve seen in a long, long time. Anybody who appreciates movies should be obliged to see it. I don’t think True Grit will ever be one my favorite movies- I’m just not that kind of Western guy- but it will be one of the best-made movies top-to-bottom I’ve ever seen. But perhaps the thing that most satisfied me with the movie is that with so many blockbusters out there with campy-ass writing, huge special effects, the money-making whores of movies, there are still A-list people out there making quality art. And that’s what True Grit is- art.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-25-10)
Who the fuck writes these Skittles commercials? They lock a bunch of writers in a room and deprive them of sleep until they hallucinate an idea?
AWESOME: Machete
Have you not seen the trailer for this movie?
Holy fuck!
Like many things that kick ass, the trailer alone makes me want to go out and start a fight with the first motherfucker who looks at me the wrong way.
And that motherfucker will be the first motherfucker I see, cause no matter who looks at me after this trailer, it’s going to be the wrong way.
I mean, LOOK AT THE CAST FOR THIS MOVIE.
Jessica Alba (high five!)- I think everyone knows how I feel about this woman. Nuff said.
Michelle Rodriguez- the badass Latina chick who always plays that badass Latina chick!
Cheech?! Playing a priest who brandishes what looks like two shotguns in the trailer alone?! Sign me the fuck up!
Robert de Niro. Uhh…. Yes! More badassery is always appreciated, especially from this good of an actor. Like this is the first A-list actual ACTOR I’ve listed here. (Jessica, I love ya, but… you’re very attractive).
And lastly….. it’s…. that fucking outlaw looking Latino guy who always plays that outlaw looking Latino guy who would make me shit my pants instantaneously if I saw him at night alone! Fuck yes!
YOU CAN ALL BET YOUR ASSES THAT THERE WILL BE AN AWESOME REVIEW ON THIS MOVIE.
Gratuitous violence? Check
Sexy women? Check
Sexy woman engaging in gratuitous violence?
CHECK.
This is going to be a classic!
NOT AWESOME: Toaster Ovens
Imagine how the toaster oven was pitched.
NED: Hey Frank!
FRANK: Yeah Ned?
NED: What’s that thing you invented?
FRANK: The internal combustion engine?
NED: No, no, the other thing.
FRANK: Oh, the oven.
NED: Yeah, that’s it. What’s it good for?
FRANK: Cooking shit.
NED: What kind of shit?
FRANK: Uh…. You know, meat. Pizza. Macaroni and cheese, maybe?
NED: Aw dude, that sounds sweet.
FRANK: Yeah I like it.
NED: You’ll never believe what I invented!
FRANK: Okay, what did you invent?
NED: It’s this shiny box looking thing. You put bread or shit like that in there, and it toasts it!
FRANK: That’s really cool man, congratulations. What’ll you call it?
NED: I call it, the “TOASTER”.
FRANK: Original.
NED: Hey, fuck you!
FRANK: I’m just saying that’s a great name. The thing that toasts, the toaster.
NED: Yeah, the name gives it a character all of its own. I’m going to pitch a movie about it, something like the “Courageous Diminutive Toasting Unit”.
FRANK: You really need to work on names man.
NED: Anyway, you got something good, I got something good, how about we combine them?
FRANK: Fine, but I get to name it. How about “toaster oven”? It will toast and it will oven!
NED: BADASS!
Now, you’d think that if the oven cooks well and the toaster cooks well, the toaster oven should cook great.
EXCEPT NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN IT BURNS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF WHATEVER YOU’RE COOKING TO THE POINT WHERE EVEN DOGS WOULD BE LIKE “NO THANKS.”
(And by the way, the last time out of ten, it comes out freezing cold because I forgot to plug it in.)
The biggest problem that I have is for most food the microwave kicks the ever-loving shit out of the toaster oven.
It’s so unnecessary!
I’d rather eat shit that the blackened pile of fuck coming out of the toaster oven!
That pile might be a slice of pizza, some pop tarts, OR AN ABORTED FETUS.
And that’s a risk I can’t afford to take!
Because I will not eat that slice of pizza if there’s a chance there are mushrooms on it!
AWESOME: Machete
Have you not seen the trailer for this movie?
Holy fuck!
Like many things that kick ass, the trailer alone makes me want to go out and start a fight with the first motherfucker who looks at me the wrong way.
And that motherfucker will be the first motherfucker I see, cause no matter who looks at me after this trailer, it’s going to be the wrong way.
I mean, LOOK AT THE CAST FOR THIS MOVIE.
Jessica Alba (high five!)- I think everyone knows how I feel about this woman. Nuff said.
Michelle Rodriguez- the badass Latina chick who always plays that badass Latina chick!
Cheech?! Playing a priest who brandishes what looks like two shotguns in the trailer alone?! Sign me the fuck up!
Robert de Niro. Uhh…. Yes! More badassery is always appreciated, especially from this good of an actor. Like this is the first A-list actual ACTOR I’ve listed here. (Jessica, I love ya, but… you’re very attractive).
And lastly….. it’s…. that fucking outlaw looking Latino guy who always plays that outlaw looking Latino guy who would make me shit my pants instantaneously if I saw him at night alone! Fuck yes!
YOU CAN ALL BET YOUR ASSES THAT THERE WILL BE AN AWESOME REVIEW ON THIS MOVIE.
Gratuitous violence? Check
Sexy women? Check
Sexy woman engaging in gratuitous violence?
CHECK.
This is going to be a classic!
NOT AWESOME: Toaster Ovens
Imagine how the toaster oven was pitched.
NED: Hey Frank!
FRANK: Yeah Ned?
NED: What’s that thing you invented?
FRANK: The internal combustion engine?
NED: No, no, the other thing.
FRANK: Oh, the oven.
NED: Yeah, that’s it. What’s it good for?
FRANK: Cooking shit.
NED: What kind of shit?
FRANK: Uh…. You know, meat. Pizza. Macaroni and cheese, maybe?
NED: Aw dude, that sounds sweet.
FRANK: Yeah I like it.
NED: You’ll never believe what I invented!
FRANK: Okay, what did you invent?
NED: It’s this shiny box looking thing. You put bread or shit like that in there, and it toasts it!
FRANK: That’s really cool man, congratulations. What’ll you call it?
NED: I call it, the “TOASTER”.
FRANK: Original.
NED: Hey, fuck you!
FRANK: I’m just saying that’s a great name. The thing that toasts, the toaster.
NED: Yeah, the name gives it a character all of its own. I’m going to pitch a movie about it, something like the “Courageous Diminutive Toasting Unit”.
FRANK: You really need to work on names man.
NED: Anyway, you got something good, I got something good, how about we combine them?
FRANK: Fine, but I get to name it. How about “toaster oven”? It will toast and it will oven!
NED: BADASS!
Now, you’d think that if the oven cooks well and the toaster cooks well, the toaster oven should cook great.
EXCEPT NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN IT BURNS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF WHATEVER YOU’RE COOKING TO THE POINT WHERE EVEN DOGS WOULD BE LIKE “NO THANKS.”
(And by the way, the last time out of ten, it comes out freezing cold because I forgot to plug it in.)
The biggest problem that I have is for most food the microwave kicks the ever-loving shit out of the toaster oven.
It’s so unnecessary!
I’d rather eat shit that the blackened pile of fuck coming out of the toaster oven!
That pile might be a slice of pizza, some pop tarts, OR AN ABORTED FETUS.
And that’s a risk I can’t afford to take!
Because I will not eat that slice of pizza if there’s a chance there are mushrooms on it!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-24-10)
Guys, if you read this blog regularly and you like it, PLEASE let me know. I know it’s kinda …. Douchebaggy, but you seriously don’t know the thrill I get from people actually reading and enjoying this shitty little blog of mine.
AWESOME: Hot Dogs
With summer winding down, today I pay tribute to the great American classic that is the hot dog.
Hot dogs are made of ….
Beef…
Pork…
…
Dog?
……
What the hell are hot dogs made of?
Well, who the fuck cares! Cause hot dogs kick ASS.
You can put all sorts of shit on hot dogs, ketchup, mustard, relish, pickles, baked beans, nacho cheese, I’m telling you, you name it and it will probably taste good on a hot dog and bun.
(This does not include dipping your hot dog in Schmelch’s Schmape Schmuice.)
I’d estimate that I ate probably 50 of these babies this summer, and THAT’S 50 TOO FEW!
My personal favorite topping for hot dogs is “Texas Meat Sauce” and if you were worried that I didn’t know what hot dogs are made of, then you’re probably sweating bullets because for all I know “Texas Meat Sauce” is made of coyotes, armadillos, and illegal immigrants.
BUT DAMN DOES IT TASTE GOOD!
It’s not too late! Summer’s not over yet! Go out and get yourself some good ass hot dogs!
Make Joey Chestnut proud!
If he can eat 237 of them in 11 seconds, then one of them in 3 months won’t kill you.
Unless of course they use bad illegal immigrant.
NOT AWESOME: Inspirational Quotes
Listen.
We get it, okay.
You have dreams.
And if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything (Dr. Emmitt Brown).
But I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE POST QUOTE AFTER QUOTE OF FEEL GOOD SHIT DAY AFTER DAY WITHOUT EVER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!
There’s only so many times I can see you write about how you don’t care about what other people think, or about how you’re going to accomplish great things before I start to think you have serious self-esteem or motivation problems.
Now, I don’t mind people who post inspirational quotes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I’m not completely against feeling good, or more specifically, other people feeling good.
But for fuck’s sake, at least do something worthy of feeling good before or after.
Plus, inspirational quotes are a dime a dozen, and it’s always the same dozen.
Literally, all inspirational quotes differ only in the most minute details.
AND they’re misleading!
People seem to think that if they suffer enough and believe hard enough that good things are coming, that their hopes and dreams will come true. SIMPLY by reading inspirational quotes, many people think that they can avoid any of the work that comes in feeling good about themselves or finding love or any of that horse shit.
You want to do something then fucking do it. End of story.
If you need a quote to get you started, then God bless.
But don’t fucking play me or yourself. I don’t need it and neither do you.
Cause none of the people who said those quotes stopped after saying them, or accomplished nothing before saying them.
If that were the case, we wouldn’t have the time-traveling DeLorean or George McFly’s successful sci-fi books.
As Virgil said, “They can because they think they can.”
NOW GET OFF FUCKING FACEBOOK AND GO DO IT.
After all, a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single footstep.
And if you won’t take that single footstep, consider this shitty blog post a kick in the ass! Let’s go!
AWESOME: Hot Dogs
With summer winding down, today I pay tribute to the great American classic that is the hot dog.
Hot dogs are made of ….
Beef…
Pork…
…
Dog?
……
What the hell are hot dogs made of?
Well, who the fuck cares! Cause hot dogs kick ASS.
You can put all sorts of shit on hot dogs, ketchup, mustard, relish, pickles, baked beans, nacho cheese, I’m telling you, you name it and it will probably taste good on a hot dog and bun.
(This does not include dipping your hot dog in Schmelch’s Schmape Schmuice.)
I’d estimate that I ate probably 50 of these babies this summer, and THAT’S 50 TOO FEW!
My personal favorite topping for hot dogs is “Texas Meat Sauce” and if you were worried that I didn’t know what hot dogs are made of, then you’re probably sweating bullets because for all I know “Texas Meat Sauce” is made of coyotes, armadillos, and illegal immigrants.
BUT DAMN DOES IT TASTE GOOD!
It’s not too late! Summer’s not over yet! Go out and get yourself some good ass hot dogs!
Make Joey Chestnut proud!
If he can eat 237 of them in 11 seconds, then one of them in 3 months won’t kill you.
Unless of course they use bad illegal immigrant.
NOT AWESOME: Inspirational Quotes
Listen.
We get it, okay.
You have dreams.
And if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything (Dr. Emmitt Brown).
But I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE POST QUOTE AFTER QUOTE OF FEEL GOOD SHIT DAY AFTER DAY WITHOUT EVER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!
There’s only so many times I can see you write about how you don’t care about what other people think, or about how you’re going to accomplish great things before I start to think you have serious self-esteem or motivation problems.
Now, I don’t mind people who post inspirational quotes and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I’m not completely against feeling good, or more specifically, other people feeling good.
But for fuck’s sake, at least do something worthy of feeling good before or after.
Plus, inspirational quotes are a dime a dozen, and it’s always the same dozen.
Literally, all inspirational quotes differ only in the most minute details.
AND they’re misleading!
People seem to think that if they suffer enough and believe hard enough that good things are coming, that their hopes and dreams will come true. SIMPLY by reading inspirational quotes, many people think that they can avoid any of the work that comes in feeling good about themselves or finding love or any of that horse shit.
You want to do something then fucking do it. End of story.
If you need a quote to get you started, then God bless.
But don’t fucking play me or yourself. I don’t need it and neither do you.
Cause none of the people who said those quotes stopped after saying them, or accomplished nothing before saying them.
If that were the case, we wouldn’t have the time-traveling DeLorean or George McFly’s successful sci-fi books.
As Virgil said, “They can because they think they can.”
NOW GET OFF FUCKING FACEBOOK AND GO DO IT.
After all, a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single footstep.
And if you won’t take that single footstep, consider this shitty blog post a kick in the ass! Let’s go!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-23-10)
I hope in Transformers 3 they introduce a new kind of transformer…. The emoticon. >:-(
AWESOME: Bad Editorials
I love when I have time in the morning before I have to go to class or work.
I get to eat breakfast.
Take a nice long shower to wake me up.
Maybe watch a little TV.
And best of all, I get to read the newspaper.
And best of all the newspaper, are the editorials.
Holy shit. I mean, I’d like to think that my blog entries are funny.
(They are, right?.... Please?)
But man, I could never be as funny as some of the editorials I get to read every now and then.
There are two types of bad editorials:
1) The kind about a relevant topic, but written about with an absurd logic or no logic at all. These are often marked with statements of fact that are complete and utter bullshit, or basically two paragraphs worth of fear and hate mongering. They often have no closing or summarizing lines, and just abruptly end with something similar to “so there!”
Ex: (note: I made this one up.)
“Reader weighs in on mosque in NYC”
I saw where they’re thinking about putting a mosque near Ground Zero. I told you all this would happen if we elect a muslim president! They’ve been planning this since 9-11! If we put a mosque several blocks away from Ground Zero, the terrorists win! This sort of thing would never happen with Sarah Palin in the White House.
I say we put an army recruitment center where the mosque is gonna go. That will really send a message about how we operate here. This is America! A land of freedom, where we can say what we want, do what we want, worship what we want, and build what we want! That’s why we can’t let them build the mosque- we gotta protect our values!
Sincerely, Ignorant B. McFuckelman
2) The kind about absolutely nothing of any importance, and seem to be in the paper solely to be made fun of. The information provided in them will be useful to no one except those looking for cannon fodder on their shitty blogs.
Ex: (actual editorial- paraphrased)
“Marine cries foul on sailor’s ‘can’t swim’”
The other day I was watching the movie Pearl Harbor. When the Japanese attacked, I clearly heard one sailor yell, “I can’t swim!” Now, let me tell you something, when I was becoming a Marine I didn’t know how to swim, but trust me you learned quick. This ruined the movie for me.
Sincerely, Ronald “Nothing Better to Do” Spakowski
I don’t even have to write any jokes for that. That’s just fucking awesome.
I love the editorials.
NOT AWESOME: Too Much Sugar
As some of you may know, I LOVE juice.
I drink it early and often, all kinds. Great shit.
So this morning I poured myself a nice big glass of “Schmlelch’s Schmape Schmuice” (named changed to protect the brand).
I took a sip andddd
HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!
I started to choke a little, my eyes did that squinty thing kind like if you had a really sour lemon and then someone took another part of said lemon and squirted the juice in your eyes, my head did an Exorcist spin around and I projectile vomited!
Damnnnn that’s a lot of sugar.
I think this is what Frankie Smith and all those fucking kids in the background probably drank right before they recorded “Double Dutch Bus”.
So, of course, that was only a sip. I certainly wasn’t going to waste the other 6 ounces of Schmape Schmuice.
I took out a Rosary, and began praying.
Some 40 minutes later, I put the Rosary away, and again examined the contents of my glass.
Luckily, none of my vomit from earlier made its way into the glass.
Actually, wait, that’s too bad since (if the vomit did make the glass) it would have given me an excuse to toss the Schmuice right down the drain.
Or, if I didn’t want to do that, I’m sure that the contents of my stomach would have made it a bit more palatable and greatly lowered the sugar density, thereby making it easier to drink.
So I knew this wasn’t going to get any easier from here on out. I told my family I loved them, tilted the glass back, and chugged.
10 seconds later I was done! But I was feeling really terrible.
I HAVE TYPE II DIABETES!
Goddamnit!
Where’s Wilford Brimley when you need him?
AWESOME: Bad Editorials
I love when I have time in the morning before I have to go to class or work.
I get to eat breakfast.
Take a nice long shower to wake me up.
Maybe watch a little TV.
And best of all, I get to read the newspaper.
And best of all the newspaper, are the editorials.
Holy shit. I mean, I’d like to think that my blog entries are funny.
(They are, right?.... Please?)
But man, I could never be as funny as some of the editorials I get to read every now and then.
There are two types of bad editorials:
1) The kind about a relevant topic, but written about with an absurd logic or no logic at all. These are often marked with statements of fact that are complete and utter bullshit, or basically two paragraphs worth of fear and hate mongering. They often have no closing or summarizing lines, and just abruptly end with something similar to “so there!”
Ex: (note: I made this one up.)
“Reader weighs in on mosque in NYC”
I saw where they’re thinking about putting a mosque near Ground Zero. I told you all this would happen if we elect a muslim president! They’ve been planning this since 9-11! If we put a mosque several blocks away from Ground Zero, the terrorists win! This sort of thing would never happen with Sarah Palin in the White House.
I say we put an army recruitment center where the mosque is gonna go. That will really send a message about how we operate here. This is America! A land of freedom, where we can say what we want, do what we want, worship what we want, and build what we want! That’s why we can’t let them build the mosque- we gotta protect our values!
Sincerely, Ignorant B. McFuckelman
2) The kind about absolutely nothing of any importance, and seem to be in the paper solely to be made fun of. The information provided in them will be useful to no one except those looking for cannon fodder on their shitty blogs.
Ex: (actual editorial- paraphrased)
“Marine cries foul on sailor’s ‘can’t swim’”
The other day I was watching the movie Pearl Harbor. When the Japanese attacked, I clearly heard one sailor yell, “I can’t swim!” Now, let me tell you something, when I was becoming a Marine I didn’t know how to swim, but trust me you learned quick. This ruined the movie for me.
Sincerely, Ronald “Nothing Better to Do” Spakowski
I don’t even have to write any jokes for that. That’s just fucking awesome.
I love the editorials.
NOT AWESOME: Too Much Sugar
As some of you may know, I LOVE juice.
I drink it early and often, all kinds. Great shit.
So this morning I poured myself a nice big glass of “Schmlelch’s Schmape Schmuice” (named changed to protect the brand).
I took a sip andddd
HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!
I started to choke a little, my eyes did that squinty thing kind like if you had a really sour lemon and then someone took another part of said lemon and squirted the juice in your eyes, my head did an Exorcist spin around and I projectile vomited!
Damnnnn that’s a lot of sugar.
I think this is what Frankie Smith and all those fucking kids in the background probably drank right before they recorded “Double Dutch Bus”.
So, of course, that was only a sip. I certainly wasn’t going to waste the other 6 ounces of Schmape Schmuice.
I took out a Rosary, and began praying.
Some 40 minutes later, I put the Rosary away, and again examined the contents of my glass.
Luckily, none of my vomit from earlier made its way into the glass.
Actually, wait, that’s too bad since (if the vomit did make the glass) it would have given me an excuse to toss the Schmuice right down the drain.
Or, if I didn’t want to do that, I’m sure that the contents of my stomach would have made it a bit more palatable and greatly lowered the sugar density, thereby making it easier to drink.
So I knew this wasn’t going to get any easier from here on out. I told my family I loved them, tilted the glass back, and chugged.
10 seconds later I was done! But I was feeling really terrible.
I HAVE TYPE II DIABETES!
Goddamnit!
Where’s Wilford Brimley when you need him?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-20-10)
I miss hockey. Is it October yet?
AWESOME: Shuffle
As I’ve pointed out time and time again, I don’t want an ipod. My cassettes and CDs serve me just fine, and they’re significantly cheaper.
But one feature that I fucking LOVE though is Shuffle. I don’t get tired of this, I just don’t.
I have 3000 songs or so on my itunes so when I put on shuffle I really don’t have any idea what’s playing next.
You know that feeling when you’re listening to the radio and that song that you love but you never hear comes on (probably “Run Around” by Blues Traveler)? And you can listen to the song on Youtube or whatever at home, but there’s a kind of satisfaction hearing it elsewhere.
Well, shuffle doesn’t quite get to that feeling, but it’s still pretty damn good. You can’t be completely surprised by it because (typically) you know what songs and artists you have in your library.
Although, you can be surprised other ways. Sometimes two songs so radically different directly follow one another and I have an aneurism. Van Halen to the Alan Parsons Project will just never make sense.
Sometimes you just gotta keep skipping until my mind can handle the randomness.
But by far the weirdest shit is when, on shuffle you get songs back-to-back from the same album. That’s just fucking crazy.
I got 3000 songs, and you get consecutive songs from the same artist and same album.
I don’t know why I’m so amazed by this phenomenon. But I am, it’s awesome.
So, does this mean I’m going to get an ipod?
Nope.
What about an ipod shuffle?
Well….. we’ll see.
NOT AWESOME: Soft Drinks at Restaurants
Do you know how much it costs to get a fountain soda at a restaurant? Like how much it costs the restaurant?
Like 25 cents. The cup and lid cost more than the soda.
So you’d figure they’d charge us like 75 cents for it, right? They’re making a good profit then.
Oh, no, the drink is like $2.50. Great.
But at least they give us a cup full of soda right? If they’re going to charge us 10 times the production cost of the item, SURELY they take care of the customer and give him what he’s paying for.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 14 ICE CUBES?
DO YOU KEEP YOUR SODA BOILING BACK THERE? THERE’S NO NEED FOR THIS SHIT!
I take 8 sips and the cup is empty.
Well, at least the cup is empty of soda, you know WHAT I PAID FOR.
I can wait until the ice melts and get a free cup of water!
Yeah, take that, fast food joints! Fuck ya’ll!
At most THREE ice cubes are needed, and that’s if it’s like 100 degrees outside or something.
But when more area is taken up with ice than soda, that’s when I get really fucking pissed off.
You know what I think it is?
I bet that they’re not trying to save money by saving soda.
I bet it costs MORE MONEY to make ICE, so by giving us a whole fuckload of ice they can charge us even MORE.
That HAS to be it.
Or maybe it’s the fucking employees’ fault. They want to do as little work as possible, so they take the quick way out. They can save 3 seconds time pressing the Sierra Mist button if half the cup is ice! Then it’s back to standing around wishing you didn’t work here!
Listen, I hate doing trivial shit, especially for other people while I’m at work.
But c’mon dude, don’t screw me over on this. Just give me a full cup.
Or if you won’t give me a full cup, can I get a free refill?
No?
Go fuck yourself. I ain’t coming here no more.
AWESOME: Shuffle
As I’ve pointed out time and time again, I don’t want an ipod. My cassettes and CDs serve me just fine, and they’re significantly cheaper.
But one feature that I fucking LOVE though is Shuffle. I don’t get tired of this, I just don’t.
I have 3000 songs or so on my itunes so when I put on shuffle I really don’t have any idea what’s playing next.
You know that feeling when you’re listening to the radio and that song that you love but you never hear comes on (probably “Run Around” by Blues Traveler)? And you can listen to the song on Youtube or whatever at home, but there’s a kind of satisfaction hearing it elsewhere.
Well, shuffle doesn’t quite get to that feeling, but it’s still pretty damn good. You can’t be completely surprised by it because (typically) you know what songs and artists you have in your library.
Although, you can be surprised other ways. Sometimes two songs so radically different directly follow one another and I have an aneurism. Van Halen to the Alan Parsons Project will just never make sense.
Sometimes you just gotta keep skipping until my mind can handle the randomness.
But by far the weirdest shit is when, on shuffle you get songs back-to-back from the same album. That’s just fucking crazy.
I got 3000 songs, and you get consecutive songs from the same artist and same album.
I don’t know why I’m so amazed by this phenomenon. But I am, it’s awesome.
So, does this mean I’m going to get an ipod?
Nope.
What about an ipod shuffle?
Well….. we’ll see.
NOT AWESOME: Soft Drinks at Restaurants
Do you know how much it costs to get a fountain soda at a restaurant? Like how much it costs the restaurant?
Like 25 cents. The cup and lid cost more than the soda.
So you’d figure they’d charge us like 75 cents for it, right? They’re making a good profit then.
Oh, no, the drink is like $2.50. Great.
But at least they give us a cup full of soda right? If they’re going to charge us 10 times the production cost of the item, SURELY they take care of the customer and give him what he’s paying for.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? 14 ICE CUBES?
DO YOU KEEP YOUR SODA BOILING BACK THERE? THERE’S NO NEED FOR THIS SHIT!
I take 8 sips and the cup is empty.
Well, at least the cup is empty of soda, you know WHAT I PAID FOR.
I can wait until the ice melts and get a free cup of water!
Yeah, take that, fast food joints! Fuck ya’ll!
At most THREE ice cubes are needed, and that’s if it’s like 100 degrees outside or something.
But when more area is taken up with ice than soda, that’s when I get really fucking pissed off.
You know what I think it is?
I bet that they’re not trying to save money by saving soda.
I bet it costs MORE MONEY to make ICE, so by giving us a whole fuckload of ice they can charge us even MORE.
That HAS to be it.
Or maybe it’s the fucking employees’ fault. They want to do as little work as possible, so they take the quick way out. They can save 3 seconds time pressing the Sierra Mist button if half the cup is ice! Then it’s back to standing around wishing you didn’t work here!
Listen, I hate doing trivial shit, especially for other people while I’m at work.
But c’mon dude, don’t screw me over on this. Just give me a full cup.
Or if you won’t give me a full cup, can I get a free refill?
No?
Go fuck yourself. I ain’t coming here no more.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-19-10)
If I worked for a new station as an anchor, I’d be really tempted every time the weather guy started his little friendly banter with me to go, “Listen we pay you to do the weather, I don’t give a shit about what you’re planning for the weekend. We’re not friends asshole, we work together.”
AWESOME: Loaded Questions
There’s nothing as satisfying as making other people look like idiots.
And there’s really nothing as satisfying as proving their idiots by their inability to navigate out of a loaded question.
They’re fucking great!
Loaded questions have a long and storied history. Almost none of which I know about.
But what I do know is one of the greatest presidents of all-time, a gentleman by the name of Mr. Senor Abraham Lincoln, used one during the Lincoln-Douglass debates, which his opponent fell for. This would later lead to Lincoln getting his name on the map as “that tall goofy-looking dude who’s got some serious balls to do that during a debate” (actual quote by spectator).
This is of course why several years later Abraham Lincoln become president, while actor Michael Douglas did not (he was in his 20s back then).
But ANYWAY, loaded questions allow a person to ask another person a question, which, if he answers in a typical yes/no fashion, will make him admit to something about himself.
You know, usually that he’s a fucking moron.
I’ll give you an example, here we go:
“Don’t you even care about the amount of bullshit that you spew outta your face?”
Or how about
“Aren’t you ashamed about your mother’s rampant prostitution?”
Now, loaded questi-
NOT AWESOME: Stations that cut off the parts of songs
Perhaps you’re wondering what happened to the rest of the Awesome above. Well, that’s what I was wondering when Free Bird was on the radio today, and when the guitar solo to end all guitar solos started, the station said “You’re listening to 10x the Shiteater!” and went to a commercial.
WHAT?!
No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this to me.
It’s right in the lyrics- “and this bird you cannot chain.”
That means YOU CAN’T FUCKING CUT OFF THE PART OF THE SONG THAT MADE THIS A CLASSIC.
It’s an 8 minute song, so I don’t want to hear 3 minutes of it. I want the full 8 minutes!
Truly, this is a tragedy. This is classic fucking rock we’re talking about here!
But at least they only cut out music. I mean I think it’d be even weirder if they started the song after the lyrics were over, and we only had the solo. That’d be even more upsetting to me anyway. So if I can only get part of the song… I think I’d rather the lyrics.
So, yeah, not hearing all of the song sucks, but you know, all the lyrics are there!
And I don’t think there are other epic songs out there that get cut for no-
OH MY GOD AMERICAN PIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I cannot believe that they could fucking edit American Pie! I wouldn’t even know WHERE to edit American Pie! It’s not like Free Bird- the whole fucking thing is full of the best fucking lyrics ever written, and they’re never a break in them long enough to do a clean edit.
And there’s no excuse- EVER- for cutting American Pie. In my America, it’s illegal to do so.
In fact, those of you who know me well know that when American Pie is on the radio, I REFUSE TO LEAVE MY CAR UNTIL THE SONG IS OVER.
I have been late to job interviews as a result. But it’s worth it. Every time.
So if I’m willing to be potentially unemployed as a result of this song, the least you can do is play all of it!
So when American Pie got cut…… I had a few choices.
1) Simply get out of the car.
2) Wait until the song WOULD have been over, then get out of the car.
3) Wait until the song comes on AGAIN on another station, listen to it in its entirety, and then get out of the car.
I really wanted to do 3, but… it could prove lengthy. So, instead I sang the song to myself while weeping like a little bitch until the song would have been over.
But that’s what Don McLean does to me.
The day that music died.
Tragic.
And it dies again every time a long song is cut on the radio. So not awesome.
AWESOME: Loaded Questions
There’s nothing as satisfying as making other people look like idiots.
And there’s really nothing as satisfying as proving their idiots by their inability to navigate out of a loaded question.
They’re fucking great!
Loaded questions have a long and storied history. Almost none of which I know about.
But what I do know is one of the greatest presidents of all-time, a gentleman by the name of Mr. Senor Abraham Lincoln, used one during the Lincoln-Douglass debates, which his opponent fell for. This would later lead to Lincoln getting his name on the map as “that tall goofy-looking dude who’s got some serious balls to do that during a debate” (actual quote by spectator).
This is of course why several years later Abraham Lincoln become president, while actor Michael Douglas did not (he was in his 20s back then).
But ANYWAY, loaded questions allow a person to ask another person a question, which, if he answers in a typical yes/no fashion, will make him admit to something about himself.
You know, usually that he’s a fucking moron.
I’ll give you an example, here we go:
“Don’t you even care about the amount of bullshit that you spew outta your face?”
Or how about
“Aren’t you ashamed about your mother’s rampant prostitution?”
Now, loaded questi-
NOT AWESOME: Stations that cut off the parts of songs
Perhaps you’re wondering what happened to the rest of the Awesome above. Well, that’s what I was wondering when Free Bird was on the radio today, and when the guitar solo to end all guitar solos started, the station said “You’re listening to 10x the Shiteater!” and went to a commercial.
WHAT?!
No, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this to me.
It’s right in the lyrics- “and this bird you cannot chain.”
That means YOU CAN’T FUCKING CUT OFF THE PART OF THE SONG THAT MADE THIS A CLASSIC.
It’s an 8 minute song, so I don’t want to hear 3 minutes of it. I want the full 8 minutes!
Truly, this is a tragedy. This is classic fucking rock we’re talking about here!
But at least they only cut out music. I mean I think it’d be even weirder if they started the song after the lyrics were over, and we only had the solo. That’d be even more upsetting to me anyway. So if I can only get part of the song… I think I’d rather the lyrics.
So, yeah, not hearing all of the song sucks, but you know, all the lyrics are there!
And I don’t think there are other epic songs out there that get cut for no-
OH MY GOD AMERICAN PIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I cannot believe that they could fucking edit American Pie! I wouldn’t even know WHERE to edit American Pie! It’s not like Free Bird- the whole fucking thing is full of the best fucking lyrics ever written, and they’re never a break in them long enough to do a clean edit.
And there’s no excuse- EVER- for cutting American Pie. In my America, it’s illegal to do so.
In fact, those of you who know me well know that when American Pie is on the radio, I REFUSE TO LEAVE MY CAR UNTIL THE SONG IS OVER.
I have been late to job interviews as a result. But it’s worth it. Every time.
So if I’m willing to be potentially unemployed as a result of this song, the least you can do is play all of it!
So when American Pie got cut…… I had a few choices.
1) Simply get out of the car.
2) Wait until the song WOULD have been over, then get out of the car.
3) Wait until the song comes on AGAIN on another station, listen to it in its entirety, and then get out of the car.
I really wanted to do 3, but… it could prove lengthy. So, instead I sang the song to myself while weeping like a little bitch until the song would have been over.
But that’s what Don McLean does to me.
The day that music died.
Tragic.
And it dies again every time a long song is cut on the radio. So not awesome.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-18-10)
Sorry I’m so late today. I just got done vomiting from picking up 25 dead birds this afternoon.
I wish I was joking.
Actually, I am joking.
About the vomiting part.
AWESOME: The Little League World Series
There’s a common argument against the NFL and the NBA: the players are only in it for the money anymore. Nobody cares about the game, they just want to make their bank. The argument could be made that the NHL is headed in that direction too (see the recently voided Kovalchuk deal).
So sports enthusiasts say college sports will forever be better than professional sports. The players are in it for the joy of the game, and most of them are.
You know, all the players not named Reggie Bush.
Most of those players in the major sports will not play professionally, and there are thousands more whose sports are so under the radar that even if they do play professionally, there’s no way it’s for the money.
So if you like shit like that, then WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU WATCHING THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES?
I friggin love this shit. The best baseball and softball teams in the world 12 or 13 and under. What’s not to love? For most of these kids this is going to be the biggest games of their lives and I fucking love watching them enjoy the spotlight on national TV.
I get more excited for the LLWS than I do the World Cup (although this year was close). While I think it’s kinda not fair that a U.S. team is guaranteed to play in the title game, you gotta love it.
On the other hand, whatever, we invented the LLWS, so fuck you, rest of the world.
Occasionally you’ll find a player on one of the LL teams that will grow up to play in the MLB. So friggin cool.
Or you find a kid that’s like a fucking freak of nature (who isn’t actually 16).
Two years in a row an African team made the LLWS, one of their players was about 6’8”, about 250.
Fucking hilarious to watch this kid use a bat the size of his forearm (they have rules about bat lengths) but man this kid was fun to watch. If he connected, look out, it might go back to Africa.
Anyways, if you’ve never watched the LLWS, you really should. You wanna watch the purest form of sports around? No money, no individuals, just 16 teams from around the world trying to become immortal.
And maybe that’s as far as baseball goes for them.
But still, that’s pretty fucking awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Razors
Shaving sucks. But that’s a different topic.
Razors, now they fucking suck.
It’s so easy to cut yourself, and it seems like every time I need to look really clean, that’s when I cut myself.
And it’s never really a minor thing either. It’s like…. You know, a really fucking formal dinner or something, and I go to shave and I have a fucking three inch long cut bleeding across my neck for five hours.
I have all these bloody paper towels, my white button-down shirt is ruined, I have to apply pressure for like 20 minutes.
It’s a Goddamn nightmare!
But the worst part is the commercials that promote newer, better razors, that have even MORE blades, so that if I slip while shaving I will most certainly cut my jugular and bleed out in a matter of seconds.
How many fuckin blades do you need?
I say 2 is the limit. If you miss something with one blade, maybe the other will catch it, and if you cut yourself you’ll probably live.
I’ve seen razors with SIX blades. How bad do you have to be at shaving to need SIX blades?
But the single worst thing I’ve seen in the past couple months is the new Schick commercials, where some dude is shaving in a bathroom and a whole TV crew comes crashing through the door and some guy yells “WHOOOO! SCHICK!” or some kinda bullshit like that.
If I’m shaving in a public place and 25 people come flying in the door behind me yelling, I’m dead.
Not even close. I could be shaving with a piece of string and I’d be going to meet the big guy in the Sky, who I understand is not very familiar or good with razors either.
So, since I’d rather not die, I’ll take a shitty plastic single or double blade razor anyday.
My jugular is very sensitive- don’t judge me, assholes. That’s not awesome.
By the way, do you think men with Parkinson’s shave themselves? I feel like that’s pretty damn risky….
I wish I was joking.
Actually, I am joking.
About the vomiting part.
AWESOME: The Little League World Series
There’s a common argument against the NFL and the NBA: the players are only in it for the money anymore. Nobody cares about the game, they just want to make their bank. The argument could be made that the NHL is headed in that direction too (see the recently voided Kovalchuk deal).
So sports enthusiasts say college sports will forever be better than professional sports. The players are in it for the joy of the game, and most of them are.
You know, all the players not named Reggie Bush.
Most of those players in the major sports will not play professionally, and there are thousands more whose sports are so under the radar that even if they do play professionally, there’s no way it’s for the money.
So if you like shit like that, then WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU WATCHING THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES?
I friggin love this shit. The best baseball and softball teams in the world 12 or 13 and under. What’s not to love? For most of these kids this is going to be the biggest games of their lives and I fucking love watching them enjoy the spotlight on national TV.
I get more excited for the LLWS than I do the World Cup (although this year was close). While I think it’s kinda not fair that a U.S. team is guaranteed to play in the title game, you gotta love it.
On the other hand, whatever, we invented the LLWS, so fuck you, rest of the world.
Occasionally you’ll find a player on one of the LL teams that will grow up to play in the MLB. So friggin cool.
Or you find a kid that’s like a fucking freak of nature (who isn’t actually 16).
Two years in a row an African team made the LLWS, one of their players was about 6’8”, about 250.
Fucking hilarious to watch this kid use a bat the size of his forearm (they have rules about bat lengths) but man this kid was fun to watch. If he connected, look out, it might go back to Africa.
Anyways, if you’ve never watched the LLWS, you really should. You wanna watch the purest form of sports around? No money, no individuals, just 16 teams from around the world trying to become immortal.
And maybe that’s as far as baseball goes for them.
But still, that’s pretty fucking awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Razors
Shaving sucks. But that’s a different topic.
Razors, now they fucking suck.
It’s so easy to cut yourself, and it seems like every time I need to look really clean, that’s when I cut myself.
And it’s never really a minor thing either. It’s like…. You know, a really fucking formal dinner or something, and I go to shave and I have a fucking three inch long cut bleeding across my neck for five hours.
I have all these bloody paper towels, my white button-down shirt is ruined, I have to apply pressure for like 20 minutes.
It’s a Goddamn nightmare!
But the worst part is the commercials that promote newer, better razors, that have even MORE blades, so that if I slip while shaving I will most certainly cut my jugular and bleed out in a matter of seconds.
How many fuckin blades do you need?
I say 2 is the limit. If you miss something with one blade, maybe the other will catch it, and if you cut yourself you’ll probably live.
I’ve seen razors with SIX blades. How bad do you have to be at shaving to need SIX blades?
But the single worst thing I’ve seen in the past couple months is the new Schick commercials, where some dude is shaving in a bathroom and a whole TV crew comes crashing through the door and some guy yells “WHOOOO! SCHICK!” or some kinda bullshit like that.
If I’m shaving in a public place and 25 people come flying in the door behind me yelling, I’m dead.
Not even close. I could be shaving with a piece of string and I’d be going to meet the big guy in the Sky, who I understand is not very familiar or good with razors either.
So, since I’d rather not die, I’ll take a shitty plastic single or double blade razor anyday.
My jugular is very sensitive- don’t judge me, assholes. That’s not awesome.
By the way, do you think men with Parkinson’s shave themselves? I feel like that’s pretty damn risky….
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)