If an Ewok and a Wookie have a child… is it human sized?
AWESOME: Posterboards
I fucking love poster boards.
The list of reasons they are awesome is seemingly endless:
1) They’re cheap. Like $1 for the most basic white piece of shit up to $10 for the best most awesome sturdy ass cardboard. But you can find one to match any fucking situation- and it’s never going to break your wallet.
2) They come in all sorts of colors. Like literally every color on the pallet. (Haha, get it?) Neon green, orange, black, red, yellow, you name it they probably have it. So when you’re at the science fair and everybody shows up with their boring white, you can show up with a blazing red that screams “MY SCIENCE PROJECT KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOURS.”
3) You can put absolutely anything on a poster board and it will automatically look a million times more legitimate. And I mean anything.
“Study proves Jumanji best Robin Williams movie ever”
Throw a few made-up charts on there and you’ve got yourself a kickass presentation.
Other examples: “Undershirts make men sexier”
“Beeker is a racist and I can prove it.”
“John 3:16”
Alright- maybe we found a counterexample. In my opinion, Bible quotes and shit like that actually seem LESS plausible/legitimate the more they appear on poster boards.
Why the hell is that?
The Bible is the bestselling book of all-time (I think) and there’s at least a billion people who claim to be Christian. So why is it when Christians and non-Christians alike see some dude with a religious poster board, we all assume he’s nuts?
I think that’s for a different post.
Anyway, I could go on with reasons why poster boards are the shit, but I’m going to leave you with this: the most awesome poster board I ever had a hand in making.
When I was in high school, I did track off and on. The last year I didn’t do it, my friend of mine and I decided to make inspiring or supportive poster boards for our friends on the team.
Besides the usual shit- like “Win the race!” and below it a picture of Batman making out with Robin- we, for no reason, made a poster board of the hammer and sickle.
Yellow construction paper on a red poster board. It looked fucking sweet. And when our team raced by, or launched that javelin, or whatever, we stood on the sidelines- proudly implying that they were Communists!
God bless America! And God bless poster boards!
NOT AWESOME: Fans
I’m not talking fanatics. I’m talking your good ol’ regular fan that supposed to make you cooler when that nasty summer heat hits.
Or, if it’s 2010, anytime between May and August, with no break-up in the heat for one Goddamn minute.
Now, important to note here: I do not have an air conditioner. … Anywhere.
So, next best thing. Fans! Yeah, it’s like a cool breeze hitting you constantly!
Except for the part about getting cooler!
I mean, FUCK, I had four fans going in my house (in various rooms) for several hours AND NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THOSE ROOMS GOT ANY COOLER AT ANY POINT.
What a cocktease!
If your fans don’t make you cooler, then what the fuck are the good for?
Why do we have them?
I think I’ve come up with an answer. It’s all freaking psychological.
We all know fans don’t do jack. But we hear the sound of those blades turning, and the occasional half a second of relief from the heat, and we convince ourselves that they work. It’s like a defense mechanism or something.
Like, we only use the fans, even if they provide nothing to us, because it’s better than sitting in the sweltering heat…. In silence.
I’m serious. I think it’s the sound. It’s so comforting, kind of like when you’re in a car with someone you don’t really know and that song comes on that you fucking hate (probably “Party in the U.S.A.” ) but you leave it on anyway just because it fills the void left by your inability to carry on a meaningful conversation with that weird guy who you decided to help out even though he lives only like two blocks away.
That two block drive in silence is infinitely shittier than the same two block drive with Miley Cyrus in the background.
This may be the only time that Miley Cyrus is preferred over silence. But you get the picture.
We use fans because we don’t want to admit that we’re powerless against summer.
Or that we can’t afford a fucking air conditioner.
Not awesome...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-11-10)
Did you guys know that Daphne actually owns the Mystery Machine? The Scooby-Doo Gang/Business is owned by Daphne. Fucking weird. I always thought it was Fred, I mean, he’s always driving the damn thing.
AWESOME: Telephones from the Jetsons
These are awesome for one main reason- they don’t exist yet, at least not for mass consumption or outside of webcams.
Now, maybe some of you remember past awesome/not awesome’s where all I do is bitch and moan about scientists failing to deliver inventions or other technology that people in the past said we’ve had by now.
(Hover Board- you better be on the market by 2015)
But this time, it’s different. I don’t want to see this shit, ever.
Why?
Because then people will realize how uninterested I am in whatever they’re saying when I’m on the phone with them.
Now, in case you’ve never seen the Jetsons, their telephones are kind of like a combination between the telephone and television. Like Skype.
Alright, fair enough. That’s not THAT dangerous. I mean, when I Skype (can I use that as a verb?) with someone, I’m kind enough not to be doing a bunch of other shit at the same time.
Like writing for a shitty unknown blog!
See, I can do that when I’m just on the regular phone! You can do all sorts of things on the phone with someone else. I have friends that catch up with the relatives via phone- ONLY WHEN THEY’RE ON THE TOILET.
God bless America!
Now, imagine if when your friend calls you up while he’s taking a shit to talk- AND YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
In the Jetsons, there’s no normal phones. ALL of them are of the TV design.
Uhh…. Ew.
Now it’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t do whatever the hell I want, but, if I do, you have to see me do it.
Unless you know, you’re into watching people shit. Then it’s a lose-win. Or something.
In any case, I’ll take the flying cars and moving walkways, but TV-phones? No thanks.
Stay out of existence- and be awesome!
NOT AWESOME: People who have “serious” arguments via youtube comments
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. Everybody.
There’s always one prick out there that has to take a relatively harmless video, be it a music video, a trailer, a homemade movie, anything- and look way too deeply into it.
For example, there are videos out there of every type of nationality being portrayed as stupid, followed by the hundred or so people that must argue that a) the nationality in question is not stupid since only a few people were in the video or b) the nationality in question is stupid- since everybody acts like the few people in the video!
Fact of the matter is EVERYBODY'S STUPID.
I’ve also seen videos out there that have NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD have drawn out “intelligent” conversations arguing whether there is a God or not.
However, by far the most common argument you’ll find on youtube has to do about tastes in music, or eras in music.
Comments you’ll find range from: “Metallica sucks” to “it sux that stupid shit like Justin Bieber are popular what the fuck where’d good music go” to “goth people are gay” to “Metallica is gay”.
Here’s my problem with this: NOTHING CAN EVER BE PROVEN VIA YOUTUBE COMMENT.
These are just facts of life people:
1) Every generation says the music from their childhood/adolescence is the best. For example, I grew up in the 90s. Therefore, 90s music is best.
And that’s a fact. 90s music is the best.
2) There always exists one guy who HATES the music video/band that must comment on the video just to piss off those who do like them. For example, I don’t really like Green Day from about 2003 onward. So, what I do, is CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN THEM. I don’t go their page for their new single, and type “NEW GREEN DAY IS GARBAGE” on it. That’s just fucking stupid!
3) There always exists a strong group of people who hate current popular music. We call this group of people “Anyone who is not a teenage girl”.
So, in conclusion….. there are always going to be haters of whatever you like. But as we all know only some of them are right.
Like me.
Long live the 90s! They’re awesome!
AWESOME: Telephones from the Jetsons
These are awesome for one main reason- they don’t exist yet, at least not for mass consumption or outside of webcams.
Now, maybe some of you remember past awesome/not awesome’s where all I do is bitch and moan about scientists failing to deliver inventions or other technology that people in the past said we’ve had by now.
(Hover Board- you better be on the market by 2015)
But this time, it’s different. I don’t want to see this shit, ever.
Why?
Because then people will realize how uninterested I am in whatever they’re saying when I’m on the phone with them.
Now, in case you’ve never seen the Jetsons, their telephones are kind of like a combination between the telephone and television. Like Skype.
Alright, fair enough. That’s not THAT dangerous. I mean, when I Skype (can I use that as a verb?) with someone, I’m kind enough not to be doing a bunch of other shit at the same time.
Like writing for a shitty unknown blog!
See, I can do that when I’m just on the regular phone! You can do all sorts of things on the phone with someone else. I have friends that catch up with the relatives via phone- ONLY WHEN THEY’RE ON THE TOILET.
God bless America!
Now, imagine if when your friend calls you up while he’s taking a shit to talk- AND YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.
In the Jetsons, there’s no normal phones. ALL of them are of the TV design.
Uhh…. Ew.
Now it’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t do whatever the hell I want, but, if I do, you have to see me do it.
Unless you know, you’re into watching people shit. Then it’s a lose-win. Or something.
In any case, I’ll take the flying cars and moving walkways, but TV-phones? No thanks.
Stay out of existence- and be awesome!
NOT AWESOME: People who have “serious” arguments via youtube comments
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. Everybody.
There’s always one prick out there that has to take a relatively harmless video, be it a music video, a trailer, a homemade movie, anything- and look way too deeply into it.
For example, there are videos out there of every type of nationality being portrayed as stupid, followed by the hundred or so people that must argue that a) the nationality in question is not stupid since only a few people were in the video or b) the nationality in question is stupid- since everybody acts like the few people in the video!
Fact of the matter is EVERYBODY'S STUPID.
I’ve also seen videos out there that have NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD have drawn out “intelligent” conversations arguing whether there is a God or not.
However, by far the most common argument you’ll find on youtube has to do about tastes in music, or eras in music.
Comments you’ll find range from: “Metallica sucks” to “it sux that stupid shit like Justin Bieber are popular what the fuck where’d good music go” to “goth people are gay” to “Metallica is gay”.
Here’s my problem with this: NOTHING CAN EVER BE PROVEN VIA YOUTUBE COMMENT.
These are just facts of life people:
1) Every generation says the music from their childhood/adolescence is the best. For example, I grew up in the 90s. Therefore, 90s music is best.
And that’s a fact. 90s music is the best.
2) There always exists one guy who HATES the music video/band that must comment on the video just to piss off those who do like them. For example, I don’t really like Green Day from about 2003 onward. So, what I do, is CHOOSE NOT TO LISTEN THEM. I don’t go their page for their new single, and type “NEW GREEN DAY IS GARBAGE” on it. That’s just fucking stupid!
3) There always exists a strong group of people who hate current popular music. We call this group of people “Anyone who is not a teenage girl”.
So, in conclusion….. there are always going to be haters of whatever you like. But as we all know only some of them are right.
Like me.
Long live the 90s! They’re awesome!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-10-10)
Piranha 3-D? Shouldn’t this be airing on Sci-Fi? (Oh, excuse me ‘Sy-Fy’ or however they call themselves nowadays)
AWESOME: Power Walking
Don’t worry everyone. It’s not just cause it looks awesome!
In case you’re an idiot, power walking is kind of like regular walking except you overemphasize your arm movements like you’ve got a crick in your back and you’re desperately trying to get rid of it, while overemphasizing your swinging hips/ass like you’ve just discovered the modern club scene after spending a bunch of time in 70s disco’s.
In other words, you look like a complete dipshit when you power walk.
Now, if that doesn’t scream POWER I don’t know what does.
In fact, in early drafts of He-Man, Prince Adam would simply grab his sword… whatever it’s name is, and yell, “I have to POWER WALK!”
Oddly, this made the show slightly less shitty.
But I digress. Anyway, power walking kicks ass!
It’s so awesome that it should have its own commercial, which I imagine would go something like this:
“Everybody wants to look their best right? But no one wants to work for it!. Well now you can pretend to exercise with the POWER WALK!
Regular walking is easy but it can be so boring, and people may not even notice you trying to lose weight! Running on the other hand can be difficult and strenuous, and quite frankly, you don’t care nearly enough about your body to suffer for it! So get the best of both worlds by using the patented power walk!
The Power Walk gives you all the attention of the runner with all the comforts of the walker! All you have to do is sacrifice all your grace and self-respect! That’s Power Walk- walk with power (but without goals)!”
So, why is this awesome?
Easy. It takes serious balls to power walk. Who wants to admit they power walk? No one. But they do it anyway. They really don’t care what anyone else thinks- if they did, they wouldn’t power walk! And that’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “Speed Enforced By Aircraft”
You’re kidding right. Aircraft.
We have police toting around in small planes and helicopters trying to catch speeders on the interstate. As if they’re not enough cops on the road, now we gotta put them above us!
What’s next? Fucking jetpacked police?!
Out of all the things the government wastes money on (and as everyone knows, that includes PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING), this has got to be in the top ten stupidest, most unnecessary offenses.
How many speeders can you get flying over a stretch of road in an hour? Is it going to be enough to justify the cost of the fuel you’re spending FLYING over them?
I really doubt it.
I mean, c’mon, even if you could catch a shit-ton more speeders, do you really want to be that fucking guy?
People hate cops- or at least they do when they get pulled over for speeding.
So you could imagine how much it must fucking suck NOT to get pulled over doing 85 in a 60 when that ticket comes by mail three weeks later explaining that the object you thought was the local news’ traffic copter is out to get you.
You thought you could get away with it!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU DID. FUCK THIS SHIT.
How lazy do you have to be? You want my speeding ticket money, you want to reach your quota, come out here and get me you sons of bitches. That’s right- oh, boo hoo hoo, at my job I can’t just chillax in a plane until somebody fucks up, I actually have to do something!
Although you know what, I’ve actually never seen a “flying cop-ter” (ha- you get it, it’s like policeman is a cop and the “cop” in the helicopter and man I’m so creative!), so maybe this isn’t that big of a waste of money (and lack of balls) as I thought.
In which case…. Why would you put up such a stupid fucking sign with such a hilariously bad idea if you’re never going to do it anyway?
You think the sign alone is going to stop speeders? Fuck no!
Hell, even if you do use aircraft to enforce the speed limit, it’s not like they’re going to land the fucking plane on the interstate and then proceed to pull the offender over. In the end, the speeder is going to get to speed to wherever he wants and get fined later for it. It doesn’t make the roads any safer. It doesn’t do jack shit!
Alright so here’s the deal; this is my challenge to you, law enforcement pilots- catch me speeding from your lofty seats. You want me to believe in this horseshit, that you actually do monitor the roads like this, then fucking prove it. I ain’t afraid of you or your copters.
You all may enforce speed limit from aircraft, but I enforce my awesomeness right here from the road. And there ain’t shit you can do about it.
Until I receive that ticket three weeks later. Not awesome.
AWESOME: Power Walking
Don’t worry everyone. It’s not just cause it looks awesome!
In case you’re an idiot, power walking is kind of like regular walking except you overemphasize your arm movements like you’ve got a crick in your back and you’re desperately trying to get rid of it, while overemphasizing your swinging hips/ass like you’ve just discovered the modern club scene after spending a bunch of time in 70s disco’s.
In other words, you look like a complete dipshit when you power walk.
Now, if that doesn’t scream POWER I don’t know what does.
In fact, in early drafts of He-Man, Prince Adam would simply grab his sword… whatever it’s name is, and yell, “I have to POWER WALK!”
Oddly, this made the show slightly less shitty.
But I digress. Anyway, power walking kicks ass!
It’s so awesome that it should have its own commercial, which I imagine would go something like this:
“Everybody wants to look their best right? But no one wants to work for it!. Well now you can pretend to exercise with the POWER WALK!
Regular walking is easy but it can be so boring, and people may not even notice you trying to lose weight! Running on the other hand can be difficult and strenuous, and quite frankly, you don’t care nearly enough about your body to suffer for it! So get the best of both worlds by using the patented power walk!
The Power Walk gives you all the attention of the runner with all the comforts of the walker! All you have to do is sacrifice all your grace and self-respect! That’s Power Walk- walk with power (but without goals)!”
So, why is this awesome?
Easy. It takes serious balls to power walk. Who wants to admit they power walk? No one. But they do it anyway. They really don’t care what anyone else thinks- if they did, they wouldn’t power walk! And that’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “Speed Enforced By Aircraft”
You’re kidding right. Aircraft.
We have police toting around in small planes and helicopters trying to catch speeders on the interstate. As if they’re not enough cops on the road, now we gotta put them above us!
What’s next? Fucking jetpacked police?!
Out of all the things the government wastes money on (and as everyone knows, that includes PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING), this has got to be in the top ten stupidest, most unnecessary offenses.
How many speeders can you get flying over a stretch of road in an hour? Is it going to be enough to justify the cost of the fuel you’re spending FLYING over them?
I really doubt it.
I mean, c’mon, even if you could catch a shit-ton more speeders, do you really want to be that fucking guy?
People hate cops- or at least they do when they get pulled over for speeding.
So you could imagine how much it must fucking suck NOT to get pulled over doing 85 in a 60 when that ticket comes by mail three weeks later explaining that the object you thought was the local news’ traffic copter is out to get you.
You thought you could get away with it!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT. YOU DID. FUCK THIS SHIT.
How lazy do you have to be? You want my speeding ticket money, you want to reach your quota, come out here and get me you sons of bitches. That’s right- oh, boo hoo hoo, at my job I can’t just chillax in a plane until somebody fucks up, I actually have to do something!
Although you know what, I’ve actually never seen a “flying cop-ter” (ha- you get it, it’s like policeman is a cop and the “cop” in the helicopter and man I’m so creative!), so maybe this isn’t that big of a waste of money (and lack of balls) as I thought.
In which case…. Why would you put up such a stupid fucking sign with such a hilariously bad idea if you’re never going to do it anyway?
You think the sign alone is going to stop speeders? Fuck no!
Hell, even if you do use aircraft to enforce the speed limit, it’s not like they’re going to land the fucking plane on the interstate and then proceed to pull the offender over. In the end, the speeder is going to get to speed to wherever he wants and get fined later for it. It doesn’t make the roads any safer. It doesn’t do jack shit!
Alright so here’s the deal; this is my challenge to you, law enforcement pilots- catch me speeding from your lofty seats. You want me to believe in this horseshit, that you actually do monitor the roads like this, then fucking prove it. I ain’t afraid of you or your copters.
You all may enforce speed limit from aircraft, but I enforce my awesomeness right here from the road. And there ain’t shit you can do about it.
Until I receive that ticket three weeks later. Not awesome.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-9-10)
I think that “hippo” is the most dangerous of all the silly-named animals. Just saying.
AWESOME: Prometheus and Bob
Nickelodeon of my youth, oh where have you gone?
There used to be a show called Kablam! (I believe the exclamation point was a part of the name. Does that mean there should be a period after that? Because I’m not too excited about saying that. It’s a statement. Maybe quotes will help?)
There used to be a show called “Kablam!”. (That looks awful. Oh well. Deal.)
And on this show, they had various segments/sketches, some of which were good and some of which sucked ass.
This was, in mine most humble opinion, their crowning glory: PROMETHEUS AND BOB.
It was a series of claymation videos depicting an alien, nicknamed Prometheus after the Greek god that supplied fire (see: knowledge) to mankind, trying to educate a caveman, nicknamed Bob after ….. Bob is a funny name for a caveman, about various topics like plumbing, boxing, farming, etc.
Important to note was that none of the videos depicted Prometheus OR Bob trying to get car insurance from Geico.
But of course, no matter what the topic, prehistoric monkeys would come and distract Bob or otherwise fuck things up, and Bob never learned how to do anything right, often hurting himself or others in the process.
SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT. But so good. Seriously, these still make me laugh uncontrollably.
Prometheus speaks English, but it sounds like he’s using Autotune before they perfected it. Some words are understandable, but most of the time it’s random electronic sounding noises. This is in sharp contrast to Bob, whose only spoken word appears to be “Hey!”. (There is it again, an exclamation point followed by a period. Is that right? Are there any grammar fanatics reading this?)
This is, of course, hilarious.
One of these days at work I’m only going to communicate with “Hey” and see how far that gets me. It can’t be as bad as the day I pretty much only communicated with noises from Banjo-Kazooie characters.
“See this, starckie, we’re going to clean up this bathroom.”
“Hey!”
“Hey. Now grab some Liquid Plumbr and a sponge.”
“Hey! Hey. Hey!”
“HEY! Go get that shit, will ya.”
(Pointing to the hall) “Hey!”
And right about there is the gunshot that ends my life.
So, anyway Prometheus and Bob is kinda like the Three Stooges, except that it has even less of a point. It’s so fucking good in ways I can’t even describe. I know it’s on Youtube. Give it a shot, cause it’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Crosswords
You know, every day I think, maybe this is the one.
The one time that I’m actually going to complete the fucking crossword in the newspaper.
But nooooooo!
They always have to throw some shit in there about famous British composers of the 1930s! You win this round, crosswords….
It’s by far the hardest activity in the newspaper, which is why it’s that much more frustrating WHEN I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.
Sudoku? Eh… basically it’s the same shit over and over again. I mean, I like Sudoku, but unless it’s 4 or 5 stars, you don’t really get that satisfaction of completing it.
Jumble? Slightly more variation, but still. Same shit. Although there’s more satisfaction in completing it on a day to day basis.
Cryptoquote?
Actually I fucking love the cryptoquote. Nobody talks shit about the cryptoquote.
But the crossword? A variety of clues designed to induce answers that artistically fill in spaces in a grid!
Sexy!
But unfortunately, I can’t do it. I just can’t.
I SWEAR THEY PUT IN ONE OR TWO CLUES A DAY THAT I HAVE NOT A FLYING FUCK OF A CHANCE TO GET.
They keep me trying, they taunt me, those teases.
Thank God it’s free!
Except for the whole cost of the newspaper thing.
Hmmm.
In that case.
DAMN YOU CROSSWORDS! HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE I WASTED ON YOU!!!!
Maybe I’m just not cut out for the crosswords.
Maybe I just don’t have the mental capacities to fill in little squares with letters in the hopes that they’ll look really cool when it’s done.
Maybe I should accept the fact that my inability to do this every day challenge is a sign that we are all diverse human beings with talents that vary just as much as our likes and dislikes, and I unfortunately did not land the crosswords gene.
Maybe I’ll just accept that I have limitations.
Cheah, and maybe if I try really really hard I can forget that Star Wars Episode 1 ever occurred.
Yeah fucking right!
I can do the crosswords!
Stop laughing!
I can! I’ll show you!
Newspaper crosswords . . . One day, I shall kill you.
That will be awesome . . . .
AWESOME: Prometheus and Bob
Nickelodeon of my youth, oh where have you gone?
There used to be a show called Kablam! (I believe the exclamation point was a part of the name. Does that mean there should be a period after that? Because I’m not too excited about saying that. It’s a statement. Maybe quotes will help?)
There used to be a show called “Kablam!”. (That looks awful. Oh well. Deal.)
And on this show, they had various segments/sketches, some of which were good and some of which sucked ass.
This was, in mine most humble opinion, their crowning glory: PROMETHEUS AND BOB.
It was a series of claymation videos depicting an alien, nicknamed Prometheus after the Greek god that supplied fire (see: knowledge) to mankind, trying to educate a caveman, nicknamed Bob after ….. Bob is a funny name for a caveman, about various topics like plumbing, boxing, farming, etc.
Important to note was that none of the videos depicted Prometheus OR Bob trying to get car insurance from Geico.
But of course, no matter what the topic, prehistoric monkeys would come and distract Bob or otherwise fuck things up, and Bob never learned how to do anything right, often hurting himself or others in the process.
SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT. But so good. Seriously, these still make me laugh uncontrollably.
Prometheus speaks English, but it sounds like he’s using Autotune before they perfected it. Some words are understandable, but most of the time it’s random electronic sounding noises. This is in sharp contrast to Bob, whose only spoken word appears to be “Hey!”. (There is it again, an exclamation point followed by a period. Is that right? Are there any grammar fanatics reading this?)
This is, of course, hilarious.
One of these days at work I’m only going to communicate with “Hey” and see how far that gets me. It can’t be as bad as the day I pretty much only communicated with noises from Banjo-Kazooie characters.
“See this, starckie, we’re going to clean up this bathroom.”
“Hey!”
“Hey. Now grab some Liquid Plumbr and a sponge.”
“Hey! Hey. Hey!”
“HEY! Go get that shit, will ya.”
(Pointing to the hall) “Hey!”
And right about there is the gunshot that ends my life.
So, anyway Prometheus and Bob is kinda like the Three Stooges, except that it has even less of a point. It’s so fucking good in ways I can’t even describe. I know it’s on Youtube. Give it a shot, cause it’s awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Crosswords
You know, every day I think, maybe this is the one.
The one time that I’m actually going to complete the fucking crossword in the newspaper.
But nooooooo!
They always have to throw some shit in there about famous British composers of the 1930s! You win this round, crosswords….
It’s by far the hardest activity in the newspaper, which is why it’s that much more frustrating WHEN I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.
Sudoku? Eh… basically it’s the same shit over and over again. I mean, I like Sudoku, but unless it’s 4 or 5 stars, you don’t really get that satisfaction of completing it.
Jumble? Slightly more variation, but still. Same shit. Although there’s more satisfaction in completing it on a day to day basis.
Cryptoquote?
Actually I fucking love the cryptoquote. Nobody talks shit about the cryptoquote.
But the crossword? A variety of clues designed to induce answers that artistically fill in spaces in a grid!
Sexy!
But unfortunately, I can’t do it. I just can’t.
I SWEAR THEY PUT IN ONE OR TWO CLUES A DAY THAT I HAVE NOT A FLYING FUCK OF A CHANCE TO GET.
They keep me trying, they taunt me, those teases.
Thank God it’s free!
Except for the whole cost of the newspaper thing.
Hmmm.
In that case.
DAMN YOU CROSSWORDS! HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE I WASTED ON YOU!!!!
Maybe I’m just not cut out for the crosswords.
Maybe I just don’t have the mental capacities to fill in little squares with letters in the hopes that they’ll look really cool when it’s done.
Maybe I should accept the fact that my inability to do this every day challenge is a sign that we are all diverse human beings with talents that vary just as much as our likes and dislikes, and I unfortunately did not land the crosswords gene.
Maybe I’ll just accept that I have limitations.
Cheah, and maybe if I try really really hard I can forget that Star Wars Episode 1 ever occurred.
Yeah fucking right!
I can do the crosswords!
Stop laughing!
I can! I’ll show you!
Newspaper crosswords . . . One day, I shall kill you.
That will be awesome . . . .
Friday, August 6, 2010
Top Ten Most Awesome Cover Songs
I recommend that you listen to ALL the songs on this list- just so you know where I’m coming from.
Now, before we get started, let me make the rules clear.
The popularity of the original or the cover does not affect the list.
The list is mostly determined by how much I like the songs. Once I got my ten songs down, they were insanely hard to order, and if I had to do it again, it would probably be different.
I love cover songs, and really- if you think I fucked up or had a “how could you leave that out?” problem, let me know. I’m open when it comes to shit like this.
Cause covers? They’re awesome.
10) “Take on Me” (a-ha) [Reel Big Fish]
I have always been a fan of a-ha, the Norwegian trio most known here in the United States for their 1985 #1 hit “Take on Me” (and its music video which was one of the most memorable of all time). Reel Big Fish tried their hand at the song in 1999 for Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s film BASEketball. Their most recognizable aspects of the cover are the substitution of the synthesizer for Reel Big Fish’s ska horn section, and RBF frontman Aaron Barrett’s inability to sing as high as a-ha’s Morten Harket. It is easily recognizable as a cover of the original, although the ska energy that RBF brings to it is just plain different than the New Wave energy. Often criticized for taking the love and emotion out of a classic, RBF’s cover of a-ha’s “Take on Me” sits at #10 for two reasons: staying true enough to the original while putting their mark on it, and it’s just a fun song. Plus, I fucking love ska.
9) “I Love Rock N’ Roll” (The Arrows) [Joan Jett and the Blackhearts]
I know what you’re thinking: This was a cover? The Arrows released the original in 1975, which was met with much…indifference, and to this day, I have not heard the Arrows version in its entirety. However, you’d be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard of Joan Jett’s kickass cover, which was a #1 hit for seven straight weeks back in 1982. This song made Joan Jett- her solo career soon followed, and she had several more hit songs. However, Joan Jett will always be remembered best by her famous “original” cover with the Blackhearts.
8) “Mony Mony” (Tommy James & the Shondells) [Billy Idol]
From one kickass icon to another, Billy Idol’s “Mony Mony” is at #8. Interestingly, both were extremely popular; the original was a top ten hit back in 1968 and the cover was a #1 hit almost 20 years later in 1987. Both songs still receive considerable airplay, although it is likely Billy Idol’s version has surpassed the original in popularity, bringing the next generation as well as the punk scene into “Mony Mony”. Tommy James & the Shondells had several other top ten songs as well as two number one songs. Many of Billy Idol’s songs continue to be played today, but “Mony Mony” seems to have the farthest reach into pop culture; it has been parodied by Weird Al Yankovic as well as sampled in the popular Youtube video, “The Evolution of Dance”. At #8, the only number one single for Billy Idol, his “Mony Mony”.
7) “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” (Solomon Burke) [The Blues Brothers]
The Blues Brothers only performed covers, and entering the pop culture hall of fame like the Blues Brothers did, one of their songs had to appear in my top 10. It was really a toss-up between this and “Soul Man”, the 1967 Sam and Dave song most people would probably associate with the Blues Brothers. However, for me, this was the better cover, so here we go. Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” was a minor hit back in 1964. It should come to no surprise that Burke was a Philadelphia minister, just doing what he does best- singing about love and how it should be a part of our lives. The Blues Brothers covered it several times at concerts in the late 1970s, and the song also appeared in the Blues Brothers movie released in 1980. Jake Blues revealed his inner Burke to get the energy up, and Elwood’s insistence that we “signify our feelings with every simple caress” is something that stuck with me. Even if everyone else happens to be a “Soul Man”.
6) “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails) [Johnny Cash]
If you’re looking for a song to cry to, look no further. “Hurt” is a song of desperation and loneliness, what you’ll find when pleasure evades you at every turn. Trent Reznor’s (of NIN) “Hurt” strips down the industrial rock sound that Nine Inch Nails is known for to crush your soul in a simple melody both haunting and beautiful at the same time. Despite never being released as a single from the 1994 album The Downward Spiral, the song gained considerable popularity. But most shocking was Johnny Cash’s 2002 cover. I didn’t know that someone could take such a crushing song and make it even more crushing in a completely different way. One of the last songs commercially released before Cash’s death, it seems to be a reflection on his entire life- the music video shows clips spanning his entire career- and it makes you wonder what the legend thought of his life shortly before it ended. His trademark voice, his frail body, the imagery of the video- when you put it all together, I actually find it difficult not to cry. Reznor said of Cash’s recording that “Hurt” was no longer his song. I don’t know if I’ll go that far, as both versions are awesome, but damn. Fucking intense. Be right back. I need a tissue.
5) “With a Little Help From My Friends” (The Beatles) [Joe Cocker]
“Billy Shears” (Ringo Starr) sings the original version from the band you may have heard of from this little album they had. You know, the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, regarded by many to the best album of ALL TIME. If you haven’t heard this song, fuck you. Seriously. I don’t care if you like it, but everybody should have heard this song at least once in their life. Released in 1967, it wasn’t released as a single for the Beatles until much later, but that didn’t stop Joe Cocker from covering it at another little known musical event, something called….. let me get my notes here…. Woodstock. You’ve probably heard this version too (which went to #1 in 1968) and regained popularity in the late 80s as the theme song for “the Wonder Years”. It’s interesting to note the show’s first season took place in 1968, which I’m sure is no coincidence. Both versions of the song are musical achievements, and if you don’t know them then a) again fuck you and b) check it out.
4) “Mad World” (Tears for Fears) [Gary Jules]
Something about the depressing songs… I guess they just make for good cover songs. “Mad World” by my personal favorite band of the 1980s, Britain’s Tears for Fears, is the second track and first major hit for the band off their breakthrough album “The Hurting”. “Mad World” is sung from a teenager’s angry, confused eyes as he looks at the world around him and finds it an unappealing, scary, and chaotic place. When Gary Jules stripped down the 80s classic to a single piano in 2001, it gains the haunting effect and a whole new yet familiar depression. The song appeared in commercials for video games, and most famously was used in Donnie Darko (set in the 1980s). Coming in at #4, “Mad World” proves that 20 years later, we’re all intimidated by the world around us.
3) “Walk This Way” (Aerosmith) [Run D.M.C.]
First released in 1975, “Walk This Way” was a pretty good song at first glance. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a huge Aerosmith fan, but I do enjoy the song which tells about a boy losing his virginity. You know, original! Now, I feel like this song is kinda not really a cover, as both versions are so close, but ehhh deal with it. Fast forward to 1986 when Run D.M.C. who didn’t even know who Aerosmith was heard the song when they were freestyling over the Aerosmith album Toys in the Attic. The rest, as they say, is history, which only resulted in one of the biggest freaking deals in music history. The collaboration between Aerosmith and Run D.M.C. revitalized Aerosmith’s career which was steadily going downhill at that time, but more importantly, the song was hip-hop/rap’s first foray in the top 5, and showed people that hybrids like this could work. Liked Linkin Park and Jay-Z’s shit? Well you can thank this record. Major groups who still had many good years of music in them, “Walk This Way” was the crossroads of the century in music, and lands at #3 as a result.
2) “Twist and Shout” (The Top Notes) [The Beatles]
I bet you didn’t even fucking know this was a cover. The original 1961 recording….. kinda sucks actually. The Top Notes original recording sounds nothing like the version you’re probably thinking of right now. Honestly, the original actually sounds like nothing. There’s no real hook and it just sounds bland. A year later in 1962 the Isley Brothers covered the Top Notes' original, and it started taking the form that the Beatles would fucking own with in 1964. You’d think that would be enough for the song, which was a hit for the both the Isley Brothers and the Beatles in the 60s, but when the Beatles’ version appeared in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (a movie avid Awesome/Not Awesome readers know I fucking love) the song AGAIN took to the charts in the mid 80s. Oh, and to top it all off, another cover got the song to #1 in 1994! Damn! That’s a lot of action for one song! Too bad the original sucked ass! Cause it was a hit for everybody but the Top Notes apparently!
1) “Smooth Criminal” (Michael Jackson) [Alien Ant Farm]
Alright, so what do you get when take a kickass song from 1988 with a kickass synthesizer line about a kickass subject matter with a kickass music video with kickass vocals and cover it? Usually you get a steaming pile of shit. How the fuck are you going to top that?! I mean, c’mon the anti-gravity lean? Fucking classic. Say what you will about Michael Jackson (and I have- see 10/22/09 Not Awesome) but this song . . . Is the shit. About a girl named Annie who gets hit, or perhaps struck, by the “smooth criminal”, the song remains possibly my favorite MJ song. But 2001 rolls around, and Alien Ant Farm splashes onto the scene with a rock cover of Smooth Criminal which takes the original and somehow makes it even more fucking badass. Not everyone agrees with me here- in fact, a lot of people think AAF butchered the song, but not this guy. This cover gets me pumped the fuck up, and I’m ready to fight people like I’m listening to “Eye of the Tiger”! So Alien Ant Farm, congratulations! You have the most awesome cover song according to starckie’s wholly unknown Awesome/Not Awesome blog! I’m sure you guys will have a long and prosperous career with many more hits to come!
There you have it. I hope you enjoyed this list as much as I agonized over making it, you sadistic bastards. Here are just a few of the songs that didn’t make my cut- maybe they’ll make yours:
“Boys of Summer” (Don Henley) [The Ataris]
“Somebody’s Baby” (Jackson Brown) [Phantom Planet]
“Bizarre Love Triangle” (New Order) [Stabbing Westward]
“Come on Eileen” (Dexy’s Midnight Runners) [Save Ferris]
“Radio Ga Ga” (Queen) [Electric Six]
“Careless Whisper” (Wham!) [Seether]
There’s probably a whole fuck-ton of songs I missed that could completely change my list. But c’mon I’m only human. It’s not like I’m getting paid to do this shit.
See you on Monday for another installment of Awesome/Not Awesome!
Now, before we get started, let me make the rules clear.
The popularity of the original or the cover does not affect the list.
The list is mostly determined by how much I like the songs. Once I got my ten songs down, they were insanely hard to order, and if I had to do it again, it would probably be different.
I love cover songs, and really- if you think I fucked up or had a “how could you leave that out?” problem, let me know. I’m open when it comes to shit like this.
Cause covers? They’re awesome.
10) “Take on Me” (a-ha) [Reel Big Fish]
I have always been a fan of a-ha, the Norwegian trio most known here in the United States for their 1985 #1 hit “Take on Me” (and its music video which was one of the most memorable of all time). Reel Big Fish tried their hand at the song in 1999 for Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s film BASEketball. Their most recognizable aspects of the cover are the substitution of the synthesizer for Reel Big Fish’s ska horn section, and RBF frontman Aaron Barrett’s inability to sing as high as a-ha’s Morten Harket. It is easily recognizable as a cover of the original, although the ska energy that RBF brings to it is just plain different than the New Wave energy. Often criticized for taking the love and emotion out of a classic, RBF’s cover of a-ha’s “Take on Me” sits at #10 for two reasons: staying true enough to the original while putting their mark on it, and it’s just a fun song. Plus, I fucking love ska.
9) “I Love Rock N’ Roll” (The Arrows) [Joan Jett and the Blackhearts]
I know what you’re thinking: This was a cover? The Arrows released the original in 1975, which was met with much…indifference, and to this day, I have not heard the Arrows version in its entirety. However, you’d be hard pressed to find someone who has not heard of Joan Jett’s kickass cover, which was a #1 hit for seven straight weeks back in 1982. This song made Joan Jett- her solo career soon followed, and she had several more hit songs. However, Joan Jett will always be remembered best by her famous “original” cover with the Blackhearts.
8) “Mony Mony” (Tommy James & the Shondells) [Billy Idol]
From one kickass icon to another, Billy Idol’s “Mony Mony” is at #8. Interestingly, both were extremely popular; the original was a top ten hit back in 1968 and the cover was a #1 hit almost 20 years later in 1987. Both songs still receive considerable airplay, although it is likely Billy Idol’s version has surpassed the original in popularity, bringing the next generation as well as the punk scene into “Mony Mony”. Tommy James & the Shondells had several other top ten songs as well as two number one songs. Many of Billy Idol’s songs continue to be played today, but “Mony Mony” seems to have the farthest reach into pop culture; it has been parodied by Weird Al Yankovic as well as sampled in the popular Youtube video, “The Evolution of Dance”. At #8, the only number one single for Billy Idol, his “Mony Mony”.
7) “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” (Solomon Burke) [The Blues Brothers]
The Blues Brothers only performed covers, and entering the pop culture hall of fame like the Blues Brothers did, one of their songs had to appear in my top 10. It was really a toss-up between this and “Soul Man”, the 1967 Sam and Dave song most people would probably associate with the Blues Brothers. However, for me, this was the better cover, so here we go. Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” was a minor hit back in 1964. It should come to no surprise that Burke was a Philadelphia minister, just doing what he does best- singing about love and how it should be a part of our lives. The Blues Brothers covered it several times at concerts in the late 1970s, and the song also appeared in the Blues Brothers movie released in 1980. Jake Blues revealed his inner Burke to get the energy up, and Elwood’s insistence that we “signify our feelings with every simple caress” is something that stuck with me. Even if everyone else happens to be a “Soul Man”.
6) “Hurt” (Nine Inch Nails) [Johnny Cash]
If you’re looking for a song to cry to, look no further. “Hurt” is a song of desperation and loneliness, what you’ll find when pleasure evades you at every turn. Trent Reznor’s (of NIN) “Hurt” strips down the industrial rock sound that Nine Inch Nails is known for to crush your soul in a simple melody both haunting and beautiful at the same time. Despite never being released as a single from the 1994 album The Downward Spiral, the song gained considerable popularity. But most shocking was Johnny Cash’s 2002 cover. I didn’t know that someone could take such a crushing song and make it even more crushing in a completely different way. One of the last songs commercially released before Cash’s death, it seems to be a reflection on his entire life- the music video shows clips spanning his entire career- and it makes you wonder what the legend thought of his life shortly before it ended. His trademark voice, his frail body, the imagery of the video- when you put it all together, I actually find it difficult not to cry. Reznor said of Cash’s recording that “Hurt” was no longer his song. I don’t know if I’ll go that far, as both versions are awesome, but damn. Fucking intense. Be right back. I need a tissue.
5) “With a Little Help From My Friends” (The Beatles) [Joe Cocker]
“Billy Shears” (Ringo Starr) sings the original version from the band you may have heard of from this little album they had. You know, the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, regarded by many to the best album of ALL TIME. If you haven’t heard this song, fuck you. Seriously. I don’t care if you like it, but everybody should have heard this song at least once in their life. Released in 1967, it wasn’t released as a single for the Beatles until much later, but that didn’t stop Joe Cocker from covering it at another little known musical event, something called….. let me get my notes here…. Woodstock. You’ve probably heard this version too (which went to #1 in 1968) and regained popularity in the late 80s as the theme song for “the Wonder Years”. It’s interesting to note the show’s first season took place in 1968, which I’m sure is no coincidence. Both versions of the song are musical achievements, and if you don’t know them then a) again fuck you and b) check it out.
4) “Mad World” (Tears for Fears) [Gary Jules]
Something about the depressing songs… I guess they just make for good cover songs. “Mad World” by my personal favorite band of the 1980s, Britain’s Tears for Fears, is the second track and first major hit for the band off their breakthrough album “The Hurting”. “Mad World” is sung from a teenager’s angry, confused eyes as he looks at the world around him and finds it an unappealing, scary, and chaotic place. When Gary Jules stripped down the 80s classic to a single piano in 2001, it gains the haunting effect and a whole new yet familiar depression. The song appeared in commercials for video games, and most famously was used in Donnie Darko (set in the 1980s). Coming in at #4, “Mad World” proves that 20 years later, we’re all intimidated by the world around us.
3) “Walk This Way” (Aerosmith) [Run D.M.C.]
First released in 1975, “Walk This Way” was a pretty good song at first glance. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a huge Aerosmith fan, but I do enjoy the song which tells about a boy losing his virginity. You know, original! Now, I feel like this song is kinda not really a cover, as both versions are so close, but ehhh deal with it. Fast forward to 1986 when Run D.M.C. who didn’t even know who Aerosmith was heard the song when they were freestyling over the Aerosmith album Toys in the Attic. The rest, as they say, is history, which only resulted in one of the biggest freaking deals in music history. The collaboration between Aerosmith and Run D.M.C. revitalized Aerosmith’s career which was steadily going downhill at that time, but more importantly, the song was hip-hop/rap’s first foray in the top 5, and showed people that hybrids like this could work. Liked Linkin Park and Jay-Z’s shit? Well you can thank this record. Major groups who still had many good years of music in them, “Walk This Way” was the crossroads of the century in music, and lands at #3 as a result.
2) “Twist and Shout” (The Top Notes) [The Beatles]
I bet you didn’t even fucking know this was a cover. The original 1961 recording….. kinda sucks actually. The Top Notes original recording sounds nothing like the version you’re probably thinking of right now. Honestly, the original actually sounds like nothing. There’s no real hook and it just sounds bland. A year later in 1962 the Isley Brothers covered the Top Notes' original, and it started taking the form that the Beatles would fucking own with in 1964. You’d think that would be enough for the song, which was a hit for the both the Isley Brothers and the Beatles in the 60s, but when the Beatles’ version appeared in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (a movie avid Awesome/Not Awesome readers know I fucking love) the song AGAIN took to the charts in the mid 80s. Oh, and to top it all off, another cover got the song to #1 in 1994! Damn! That’s a lot of action for one song! Too bad the original sucked ass! Cause it was a hit for everybody but the Top Notes apparently!
1) “Smooth Criminal” (Michael Jackson) [Alien Ant Farm]
Alright, so what do you get when take a kickass song from 1988 with a kickass synthesizer line about a kickass subject matter with a kickass music video with kickass vocals and cover it? Usually you get a steaming pile of shit. How the fuck are you going to top that?! I mean, c’mon the anti-gravity lean? Fucking classic. Say what you will about Michael Jackson (and I have- see 10/22/09 Not Awesome) but this song . . . Is the shit. About a girl named Annie who gets hit, or perhaps struck, by the “smooth criminal”, the song remains possibly my favorite MJ song. But 2001 rolls around, and Alien Ant Farm splashes onto the scene with a rock cover of Smooth Criminal which takes the original and somehow makes it even more fucking badass. Not everyone agrees with me here- in fact, a lot of people think AAF butchered the song, but not this guy. This cover gets me pumped the fuck up, and I’m ready to fight people like I’m listening to “Eye of the Tiger”! So Alien Ant Farm, congratulations! You have the most awesome cover song according to starckie’s wholly unknown Awesome/Not Awesome blog! I’m sure you guys will have a long and prosperous career with many more hits to come!
There you have it. I hope you enjoyed this list as much as I agonized over making it, you sadistic bastards. Here are just a few of the songs that didn’t make my cut- maybe they’ll make yours:
“Boys of Summer” (Don Henley) [The Ataris]
“Somebody’s Baby” (Jackson Brown) [Phantom Planet]
“Bizarre Love Triangle” (New Order) [Stabbing Westward]
“Come on Eileen” (Dexy’s Midnight Runners) [Save Ferris]
“Radio Ga Ga” (Queen) [Electric Six]
“Careless Whisper” (Wham!) [Seether]
There’s probably a whole fuck-ton of songs I missed that could completely change my list. But c’mon I’m only human. It’s not like I’m getting paid to do this shit.
See you on Monday for another installment of Awesome/Not Awesome!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-5-10)
So…. Which channels DON’T have Family Guy airing in syndication? Damn!
AWESOME: Donkey Kong Country Returns
It takes an awful lot to excite me about video games these days. As with most things, I’m ten years behind the times or quite simply I refuse to change.
I don’t own an ipod.
I do however, has a nice little collection of cassettes.
But anyways, video games these days I could give two shits about.
Another first person shooter?
About World War II?
Great.
The gameplay in all those games combined are probably longer than World War II!
However, when Nintendo announced at the annual E3 conference (which stands for …Electronic…3) that they were making a sequel to the Donkey Kong Country franchise, I shit my pants, had a stroke, had a minor heart attack, forgot my PIN number, was late for work, and came up with a convincing proof for the existence of God.
Strangely, I did NOT ejaculate.
But Donkey Kong Country and its sequels make up one of the best series of games in existence. The first game was… the very first game I EVER beat.
Awww… a nerd moment.
But then Donkey Kong Country 2 came out, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWESOME.
DKC2 is my favorite side-scroller of all time. I’ll probably write another awesome about that game in the future- it’s THAT good.
DKC3 wasn’t bad, but it didn’t do the same thing like 2 did for me (which is tough to do, so no biggie DKC3). But sadly, the Super Nintendo was on its way out by that time- DKC3 was the last game I bought new for the SNES.
And it was the end of an era. If I wanted to play a Donkey Kong Country game, it looked like I was just going to have replay the ones I had- which I did.
Several times over.
Donkey Kong 64 was a really good game, but not the same. I need some classic shit.
C’mon!
Flash forward to 2010…. With the success of the Wii’s virtual console, they are releasing new old school games.
Seriously? This isn’t a joke? DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!
Oh my fuck, how long have I waited for this day…
Let’s see…. 1996….
Fourteen years. Two thirds of my life.
This game better be fucking good. I’m not going to wait until I’m 35 for another sequel.
Don’t let me down Nintendo! Make it awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Law and Order: LA
Okay, so SVU is Special Victims Unit, CI is Criminal Intent, TBJ is Trial by Jury, and LA is…..
Libel and Assault?
Oh, Los Angeles.
Los Angeles. That’s the best you can come up with.
Is crime THAT much different in LA than NYC that we need another Law and Order to cover it?
I mean with the other spin-offs they focus in specific crimes (SVU) or give a different perspective of the crime (CI, TBJ).
But murder… is murder. LA, NYC,…. Any TV with Jersey Shore on the screen….
But I guess it’s not all that bad. Two Law and Orders? I can get behind that. I love the series.
WHAT?! THE ORIGINAL SERIES WAS CANCELLED!
Oh, yeah I seem to remember crying uncontrollably about that back in May.
WHY GOD, WHY?!
Okay, let’s see here… the ratings weren’t great but still good enough for a 21st season… can’t see any reason why it would canceled…
OH, IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE COMING OUT WITH GODDAMN LAW AND ORDER: LA!
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, GET RID OF THE STILL SUCCESSFUL SHOW WITH ESTABLISHED CHARACTERS THAT (BY THE WAY) IS ABOUT AS OLD AS ME TO START IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN A DIFFERENT CITY WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE I CARE NOTHING ABOUT?!
That’s like if they rebooted the fucking Batman series, but instead of Gotham, they set in Charleston, South Carolina.
Eh, it could work, but… why? Why would you fuck with something that’s iconic and that works?
I think Law and Order and I think New York City. End of story.
And to top it all off:
You’re seriously asking me to buy into a new show that killed the original one?
Fuck you guys!
Law and Order! Come back! It’s really not awesome thinking of NBC without you.
I . . . love you.
AWESOME: Donkey Kong Country Returns
It takes an awful lot to excite me about video games these days. As with most things, I’m ten years behind the times or quite simply I refuse to change.
I don’t own an ipod.
I do however, has a nice little collection of cassettes.
But anyways, video games these days I could give two shits about.
Another first person shooter?
About World War II?
Great.
The gameplay in all those games combined are probably longer than World War II!
However, when Nintendo announced at the annual E3 conference (which stands for …Electronic…3) that they were making a sequel to the Donkey Kong Country franchise, I shit my pants, had a stroke, had a minor heart attack, forgot my PIN number, was late for work, and came up with a convincing proof for the existence of God.
Strangely, I did NOT ejaculate.
But Donkey Kong Country and its sequels make up one of the best series of games in existence. The first game was… the very first game I EVER beat.
Awww… a nerd moment.
But then Donkey Kong Country 2 came out, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS AWESOME.
DKC2 is my favorite side-scroller of all time. I’ll probably write another awesome about that game in the future- it’s THAT good.
DKC3 wasn’t bad, but it didn’t do the same thing like 2 did for me (which is tough to do, so no biggie DKC3). But sadly, the Super Nintendo was on its way out by that time- DKC3 was the last game I bought new for the SNES.
And it was the end of an era. If I wanted to play a Donkey Kong Country game, it looked like I was just going to have replay the ones I had- which I did.
Several times over.
Donkey Kong 64 was a really good game, but not the same. I need some classic shit.
C’mon!
Flash forward to 2010…. With the success of the Wii’s virtual console, they are releasing new old school games.
Seriously? This isn’t a joke? DONKEY KONG COUNTRY RETURNS!
Oh my fuck, how long have I waited for this day…
Let’s see…. 1996….
Fourteen years. Two thirds of my life.
This game better be fucking good. I’m not going to wait until I’m 35 for another sequel.
Don’t let me down Nintendo! Make it awesome!
NOT AWESOME: Law and Order: LA
Okay, so SVU is Special Victims Unit, CI is Criminal Intent, TBJ is Trial by Jury, and LA is…..
Libel and Assault?
Oh, Los Angeles.
Los Angeles. That’s the best you can come up with.
Is crime THAT much different in LA than NYC that we need another Law and Order to cover it?
I mean with the other spin-offs they focus in specific crimes (SVU) or give a different perspective of the crime (CI, TBJ).
But murder… is murder. LA, NYC,…. Any TV with Jersey Shore on the screen….
But I guess it’s not all that bad. Two Law and Orders? I can get behind that. I love the series.
WHAT?! THE ORIGINAL SERIES WAS CANCELLED!
Oh, yeah I seem to remember crying uncontrollably about that back in May.
WHY GOD, WHY?!
Okay, let’s see here… the ratings weren’t great but still good enough for a 21st season… can’t see any reason why it would canceled…
OH, IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE COMING OUT WITH GODDAMN LAW AND ORDER: LA!
YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, GET RID OF THE STILL SUCCESSFUL SHOW WITH ESTABLISHED CHARACTERS THAT (BY THE WAY) IS ABOUT AS OLD AS ME TO START IT ALL OVER AGAIN IN A DIFFERENT CITY WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE I CARE NOTHING ABOUT?!
That’s like if they rebooted the fucking Batman series, but instead of Gotham, they set in Charleston, South Carolina.
Eh, it could work, but… why? Why would you fuck with something that’s iconic and that works?
I think Law and Order and I think New York City. End of story.
And to top it all off:
You’re seriously asking me to buy into a new show that killed the original one?
Fuck you guys!
Law and Order! Come back! It’s really not awesome thinking of NBC without you.
I . . . love you.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-4-10)
WHEN THE HELL DID THEY GET RID OF THE PINBALL GAME? I THOUGHT THAT CAME STANDARD WITH MINESWEEPER AND SOLITAIRE? FUCK!
AWESOME: Mailboxes
That’s right. Mailboxes!
Why?
They’re…. cool.
The way I see it, mailboxes are good for one thing and one thing only:
1) They’re really fun to destroy.
Oh, that, and getting and sending mail is also good.
Now before I go any further, I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING TO MAILBOXES ANYWHERE.
But I am saying that the one time like ten years ago when my neighbors and I stuck a whole bunch of fireworks into his mailbox- was AWESOME.
There’s something about mailboxes…. Like, why does the idea of destroying them hold so much appeal?
How many television shows have shown its characters taking a baseball bat to mailboxes from the passenger seat while another guy drives?
A shitload! That’s how many!
In addition, mailboxes are kinda like cars in that you really know a lot about people from them. Seriously, mailboxes come in such a variety of styles, colors…. Shapes? (maybe?), it’s just fucking cool.
I want three or four mailboxes. Really personalized. Like maybe….
1) The DeLorean time machine. Parallel to the road, you open the door (which swings upward of course) and put the mail in. So simple, a caveman could do it. Oh, and if you need to send mail, just bring the hook out- which obviously connects directly the flux capacitor. However, it might also send your mail back to 1955.
2) Buffalo Bills logo mailbox. Unfortunately it only receives mail about 5 out of every 16 business days since 2000. Trying to send mail? Forget it.
3) A circular container simply saying “semen” on the lid attached to a pole. Rain nor sleet nor dead of night- how about jizz?
Now that would be awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “kthanksbye” and similar horseshit
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. According to an official study I just made up, approximately 70% of females use “kthanks” or “kthnx” regularly when on facebook or another social networking site, and 163% of females have used it at least once.
Here’s the problem. It’s not cute. It’s just annoying.
Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. It was probably cute at some point. But it quickly morphed into the “That’s what she said” of the internet; once everybody started doing it, it lost almost all of its appeal.
Thankfully however, “kthnxbye” seems to be contained to the female side of the human race. Guys (to my knowledge) only use it ironically.
Anyways, the point of this ridiculous sign-off seems to be… only to be cute. Fair enough, but…. If the point of what you’re saying is to be cute, say complimenting another girl on her appearance, shouldn’t your compliment ALREADY be cute? Why do you need to spice it up?
It’s like when angry fucking people randomly insert profanity into their Goddamn rants!
If you need to use “kthnxbye”, then I can only conclude that you are probably not cute yourself, not creative, or likeliest of all, had nothing original to say anyway.
AND BY THE WAY,
Who says goodbye anyway on facebook?! This isn’t a conversation like in real life where people naturally have to go their separate ways and say bye. People have conversations that can extend indefinitely, no need for goodbye.
It’s just fucking stupid!
Although by far the worst instance is when IT DOESN’T APPLY. I’ve seen people put it BEFORE they stop typing. Like…
“Hello. You’re a big sack of shit. Kthanksbye. Fuck you.”
Obviously that’s not what they actually said. Although the more I read that, the more I want to say it. Cause that’s pretty awesome.
AWESOME: Mailboxes
That’s right. Mailboxes!
Why?
They’re…. cool.
The way I see it, mailboxes are good for one thing and one thing only:
1) They’re really fun to destroy.
Oh, that, and getting and sending mail is also good.
Now before I go any further, I AM NOT TELLING ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING TO MAILBOXES ANYWHERE.
But I am saying that the one time like ten years ago when my neighbors and I stuck a whole bunch of fireworks into his mailbox- was AWESOME.
There’s something about mailboxes…. Like, why does the idea of destroying them hold so much appeal?
How many television shows have shown its characters taking a baseball bat to mailboxes from the passenger seat while another guy drives?
A shitload! That’s how many!
In addition, mailboxes are kinda like cars in that you really know a lot about people from them. Seriously, mailboxes come in such a variety of styles, colors…. Shapes? (maybe?), it’s just fucking cool.
I want three or four mailboxes. Really personalized. Like maybe….
1) The DeLorean time machine. Parallel to the road, you open the door (which swings upward of course) and put the mail in. So simple, a caveman could do it. Oh, and if you need to send mail, just bring the hook out- which obviously connects directly the flux capacitor. However, it might also send your mail back to 1955.
2) Buffalo Bills logo mailbox. Unfortunately it only receives mail about 5 out of every 16 business days since 2000. Trying to send mail? Forget it.
3) A circular container simply saying “semen” on the lid attached to a pole. Rain nor sleet nor dead of night- how about jizz?
Now that would be awesome.
NOT AWESOME: “kthanksbye” and similar horseshit
Everybody knows what I’m talking about. According to an official study I just made up, approximately 70% of females use “kthanks” or “kthnx” regularly when on facebook or another social networking site, and 163% of females have used it at least once.
Here’s the problem. It’s not cute. It’s just annoying.
Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. It was probably cute at some point. But it quickly morphed into the “That’s what she said” of the internet; once everybody started doing it, it lost almost all of its appeal.
Thankfully however, “kthnxbye” seems to be contained to the female side of the human race. Guys (to my knowledge) only use it ironically.
Anyways, the point of this ridiculous sign-off seems to be… only to be cute. Fair enough, but…. If the point of what you’re saying is to be cute, say complimenting another girl on her appearance, shouldn’t your compliment ALREADY be cute? Why do you need to spice it up?
It’s like when angry fucking people randomly insert profanity into their Goddamn rants!
If you need to use “kthnxbye”, then I can only conclude that you are probably not cute yourself, not creative, or likeliest of all, had nothing original to say anyway.
AND BY THE WAY,
Who says goodbye anyway on facebook?! This isn’t a conversation like in real life where people naturally have to go their separate ways and say bye. People have conversations that can extend indefinitely, no need for goodbye.
It’s just fucking stupid!
Although by far the worst instance is when IT DOESN’T APPLY. I’ve seen people put it BEFORE they stop typing. Like…
“Hello. You’re a big sack of shit. Kthanksbye. Fuck you.”
Obviously that’s not what they actually said. Although the more I read that, the more I want to say it. Cause that’s pretty awesome.
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