I’m really disappointed. It’s already August, and I still haven’t seen Tremors yet this summer?
Psh. What’s the point of the summer months if I got no Tremors? Answer: There is none.
AWESOME: Education Connection
The other night I saw a commercial. An everyday occurrence to be sure. But this commercial, this was different.
I was amazed by the green screen effects only slightly better than my local meteorologist. There was the girl, it looked like at one point on roller skates, with mustard and ketchup containers running around, and then she starts this really weird ….rap-esque diddy about how she wants money.
In case you’re deaf, occasionally the words she’s singing/rapping/saying…. I don’t know flash on screen! That’s how you know they’re really important.
It’s like if I wanted to accentuate the word fuck in the sentence “fuck you”, I’d have a little ear icon right above it that, if clicked would be a recording of some guy yelling fuck. You know, subtle.
But anyways, yeah, I need money, I only have a high school degree (actually this part is probably akin to most rappers), so she goes online to Education Connection to find the right college!
For her!
Yeah…. That’s how I find the most legit places to go to college…. Through a third-party source that only advertises during [adult swim].
And that’s pretty much the entire commercial. Some scrawny white girl rapping to me (and not current rap, like late 80s-early 90s, Ton-Luc should be doing this commercial rap) in an attempt to get me to visit a website to get to college.
Did I mention I’m watching a television show starring anthropomorphic fast food items?
What the FUCK makes you think that if I’m not already in college, that I’m even thinking about it?
Shit, Girls Gone Wild runs its ads during these times and I don’t know of anyone, ever, who’s bought anything related to Girls Gone Wild.
That’s naked chicks, catering to the stupid adult cartoon crowd, not selling anything.
What makes you think you’re going to sell college?!
Now, as some of you may recall, this is the awesome part of the entry. So why is it awesome?
To put it simply, it takes serious dedication to fuck up this badly on a commercial. You have to get a group of people together, firmly deciding not to think at all about logistics, demographics, or pop culture phenomena of the past 20 years to make something this awful.
That I can respect!
The commercial looks like it was made before most people even knew what the internet was!
For not getting a single damn thing right and making me laugh through the entire minute long shit-mercial, Education Connection- you’re awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Michael Cera
We get it. You’re the nerdy white teenager.
Now please, for the love of God, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
I don’t care what it is! I’m so sick and tired of seeing Michael Cera play the same role that I literally become enraged when I see trailers with him in it.
Please Michael, I want to see you do other things! Please!
For the record- I think he’s a good actor! I liked him in Superbad (when his being the nerdy white guy had not yet become cliché) and even saw him on “Tim and Eric”, and I’ve wanted to see other movies he’s been in (Juno, for one).
But I just can’t fucking take it anymore! I’m so pissed off! Because I think the visuals, the story, and the other actors that are in “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” make it look like a really kickass movie. (Note: Not “Kickass” movie- that was something else)
But no! Michael Cera just HAS to play the nerdy white teenager-guy! Now I can’t go see the movie! What a shitload of fuck…
Oh, and for the record, he’s 22.
Not that I have a problem with older actors playing teenagers- Alan Ruck as Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is perhaps my favorite character/performance of all time, and Ruck was 28 when he played the 18-year-old Cameron.
But Ruck didn’t make a living playing ONLY teenage characters his whole fucking life.
You know who this reminds me of?
Anthony Michael Hall. You know him, the nerdy white teenager guy from Sixteen Candles, the Breakfast Club, Weird Science. Yeah. A generation down the line and we have Michael Cera.
OH WAIT.
NO IT DOESN’T.
ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL FUCKING TURNED DOWN GEEK ROLES SO AS NOT TO GET TYPECAST HIS WHOLE LIFE.
Good for you, man. See, the Dead Zone lasted a couple of years. Awesome.
So Micheal Cera, if you’re reading this (and I know you are- don’t lie), do something else. Grow a pair, or at least make the pair you’ve got drop. Cause deep down, I wanna like you, but right now, you’re not awesome.
Oh, and Michael… while you’re reading this, I’m very interested in playing the nerdy white guy’s friend in whatever projects you’ve got coming up.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (8-2-10)
Welcome back to another edition of Awesome/Not Awesome! As promised, there will be a new Awesome/Not Awesome EVERY WEEKDAY of this month, so keep coming back readers! If not, then fuck you!
“Last Comic Standing” would be much better if they gave the comedians humorous “weapons” and had them fight to the death “Battle Royale” style.
AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
Everybody knows this song. And everybody should, cause this song kicks ass!
For those of you who don’t know though, “Eye of the Tiger” is the fight song for one of the best sports movies of all time, Rocky III.
Obviously, being associated with Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang is a big reason why this song is awesome.
But there’s more to it than that. This song, I think, was solely written for the purpose of getting pumped up and fucking up shit. I mean, shit, just thinking about it makes me wanna go work out.
And I hate working out!
With this song playing in the background, any activity can look awesome, particularly with the intro.
The following is a short list of everyday things that automatically become badass with “Eye of the Tiger”.
1) Getting gas
2) Taking a shower
3) Mailing a letter
4) Brushing your teeth
5) Taking a shit
6) Almost getting hit by a car
This song came on the radio when I was on my way to take my Physics II final exam. And damn it, I’m never been so fucking ready to kick a test’s ass. I was going to make that test my bitch. Yeahh….
Result, you ask?
I aced it. Got an A in Physics II.
Thanks “Eye of the Tiger”!
NOT AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
This marks a first in Awesome/Not Awesome history. The same thing is both awesome and not awesome on the same day. Cheah.
Wrap your head around that.
But here’s the problem I have with it:
This one song has probably caused the most one-sided, most needless, most senseless fistfights in the history of the universe.
It’s a good thing I was on my way to my physics test and not on my way to say…. The Hardware Bar or some shit like that.
Because
a) I fucking hate the Hardware Bar, and
b) I would have been punching tools left and right
Which would, of course, lead me to leaving the Hardware Bar in a stretcher.
Not that tools can fight, but get a horde of them together, and my prediction: pain (for me).
I cannot be the only person who’s wanted to fight someone or a group of someones, for little to no reason, after hearing that song.
Song’s fucking dangerous!
“Eye of the Tiger” is the only song which seems to be its own cliché or parody. The lyrics are 80s-awesome, but just so damn corny too. It’s somehow overly-manly while still containing the right riffs to make it beloved by all, and having just enough of whatever it is that makes me want to kick somebody’s ass.
Alright, so, you may be asking yourself if the song is both awesome and not awesome…
What is my final verdict on “Eye of the Tiger”?
Still totally fucking awesome. Awesomeness heavily outweighs the not-awesomeness.
So what do I think of the guy who doesn’t like the song, then? Do I hate him?
No, no, I don’t hate him, but I pity the fool.
“Last Comic Standing” would be much better if they gave the comedians humorous “weapons” and had them fight to the death “Battle Royale” style.
AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
Everybody knows this song. And everybody should, cause this song kicks ass!
For those of you who don’t know though, “Eye of the Tiger” is the fight song for one of the best sports movies of all time, Rocky III.
Obviously, being associated with Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang is a big reason why this song is awesome.
But there’s more to it than that. This song, I think, was solely written for the purpose of getting pumped up and fucking up shit. I mean, shit, just thinking about it makes me wanna go work out.
And I hate working out!
With this song playing in the background, any activity can look awesome, particularly with the intro.
The following is a short list of everyday things that automatically become badass with “Eye of the Tiger”.
1) Getting gas
2) Taking a shower
3) Mailing a letter
4) Brushing your teeth
5) Taking a shit
6) Almost getting hit by a car
This song came on the radio when I was on my way to take my Physics II final exam. And damn it, I’m never been so fucking ready to kick a test’s ass. I was going to make that test my bitch. Yeahh….
Result, you ask?
I aced it. Got an A in Physics II.
Thanks “Eye of the Tiger”!
NOT AWESOME: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
This marks a first in Awesome/Not Awesome history. The same thing is both awesome and not awesome on the same day. Cheah.
Wrap your head around that.
But here’s the problem I have with it:
This one song has probably caused the most one-sided, most needless, most senseless fistfights in the history of the universe.
It’s a good thing I was on my way to my physics test and not on my way to say…. The Hardware Bar or some shit like that.
Because
a) I fucking hate the Hardware Bar, and
b) I would have been punching tools left and right
Which would, of course, lead me to leaving the Hardware Bar in a stretcher.
Not that tools can fight, but get a horde of them together, and my prediction: pain (for me).
I cannot be the only person who’s wanted to fight someone or a group of someones, for little to no reason, after hearing that song.
Song’s fucking dangerous!
“Eye of the Tiger” is the only song which seems to be its own cliché or parody. The lyrics are 80s-awesome, but just so damn corny too. It’s somehow overly-manly while still containing the right riffs to make it beloved by all, and having just enough of whatever it is that makes me want to kick somebody’s ass.
Alright, so, you may be asking yourself if the song is both awesome and not awesome…
What is my final verdict on “Eye of the Tiger”?
Still totally fucking awesome. Awesomeness heavily outweighs the not-awesomeness.
So what do I think of the guy who doesn’t like the song, then? Do I hate him?
No, no, I don’t hate him, but I pity the fool.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Special Not Awesome (3-23-10)
Today was a bad day.
I know it's only 12:30, but here me out.
Obama passed the health care bill.
Now I'm not upset by this in it of itself. I think it's a good idea of theory- in practice, we'll see.
But the problem is, a special news report was aired covering the historic event. Which leads me to a very special not awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Shit that Interrupts "The Price is Right"
Why does all this crap have to happen during one of my favorite shows- the ONLY show I ever watch during the day time.
I mean, I like Ellen a lot, but if I had to choose between TPIR and Ellen, TPIR is going to win every time.
So how fucking unlucky do I have to be for this to be consistently interrupted by other events, knocking it off the air?
I mean what the hell!
WHY DOES "IMPORTANT" SHIT ONLY HAPPEN DURING THE ELEVEN A.M. HOUR?!
As I previously mentioned, today Obama signed the health care bill. Like it or not, this is a newsworthy event. I'm man enough to admit that.
But Goddamn! It wasn't the fucking State of the Union address!
I don't know who was in attendence during the press conference, but DID EVERYONE HAVE TO APPLAUD AFTER EVERY OTHER WORD JOE BIDEN OR BARACK OBAMA SAID?
I imagine halfway through Obama could have said something like this:
"I"
APPLAUSE!
"took a"
APPLAUSE!
"two-flush"
APPLAUSE!
"mega-shit earlier."
APPLUASE!
"Buffalo wings."
UPROARIOUS APPLUASE!
All this applause wastes time! Appluase is not newsworthy! I don't care whether the people in the room support the bill!
I COULD BE MISSING FUCKING PLINKO! LET'S MOVE THIS SHIT ALONG!
But, at least this was the President of the United States of American getting between me and my beloved game show. I mean, he's not just anybody. This was real honest to God news- something I hadn't really seen in a while.
NOT LIKE THE LAST FUCKING TIME TPIR GOT DICKED OVER.
Tiger Woods- maybe a lot of people have forgiven you- but not this guy! You are now on a my shitlist. And that's a hard list to get off, fuckwad.
It was a Friday morning- looking to start off the weekend right. Get my Price is Right on. BUT WAIT!
Tiger Woods is breaking his silence!
QUICK!
Get this man a podium and the national news!
Let's let him speak to us about shit that doesn't concern us in the slightest for fifteen minutes!
He's a celebrity!
Oooohhh, ahhhh.
WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?!
I don't care who Tiger Woods boned OR how often his wife beat him, it's not as good as watching the little hiker guy fall off the cliff in "Cliffhanger".
The following is a list of things it's okay to interrupt the Price is Right for:
1) National Security Issue!
2) Osama was captured!
3) Aliens discovered/invading!
4) Horrific Amusement Park Accident!
5) Breaking News: Sean Connery dies!
6) Assassination!
7) Kurt Cobain discovered living with Osama!
8) Kurt Cobain discovered living with aliens!
9) Kurt Cobain discovered living!
10) Breaking news: Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Sean Connery actually same person!
11) Fabio hit in the face by another goose!
Yep, that's pretty much it. Those are things it would be okay to stop airing of TPIR.
You know what's not on the list?
TIGER FUCKING WOODS, AND THE GODDAMN HEALTH CARE BILL!
It's not that I don't care about these things-
Well, it's not that I don't care about the health care bill-
But can't it at least wait until 12?
Cause you know what's on at 12?
Infomercials.
That's right, infomercials.
So let me ask you this, Internets:
If we can't trust the government and major news outlets to eliminate infomercials and ensure that we get our Price is Right, then what the fuck can we trust them with?
What the fuck are they good for?
Absolutely nothing!
Not awesome. For sure.
I know it's only 12:30, but here me out.
Obama passed the health care bill.
Now I'm not upset by this in it of itself. I think it's a good idea of theory- in practice, we'll see.
But the problem is, a special news report was aired covering the historic event. Which leads me to a very special not awesome.
NOT AWESOME: Shit that Interrupts "The Price is Right"
Why does all this crap have to happen during one of my favorite shows- the ONLY show I ever watch during the day time.
I mean, I like Ellen a lot, but if I had to choose between TPIR and Ellen, TPIR is going to win every time.
So how fucking unlucky do I have to be for this to be consistently interrupted by other events, knocking it off the air?
I mean what the hell!
WHY DOES "IMPORTANT" SHIT ONLY HAPPEN DURING THE ELEVEN A.M. HOUR?!
As I previously mentioned, today Obama signed the health care bill. Like it or not, this is a newsworthy event. I'm man enough to admit that.
But Goddamn! It wasn't the fucking State of the Union address!
I don't know who was in attendence during the press conference, but DID EVERYONE HAVE TO APPLAUD AFTER EVERY OTHER WORD JOE BIDEN OR BARACK OBAMA SAID?
I imagine halfway through Obama could have said something like this:
"I"
APPLAUSE!
"took a"
APPLAUSE!
"two-flush"
APPLAUSE!
"mega-shit earlier."
APPLUASE!
"Buffalo wings."
UPROARIOUS APPLUASE!
All this applause wastes time! Appluase is not newsworthy! I don't care whether the people in the room support the bill!
I COULD BE MISSING FUCKING PLINKO! LET'S MOVE THIS SHIT ALONG!
But, at least this was the President of the United States of American getting between me and my beloved game show. I mean, he's not just anybody. This was real honest to God news- something I hadn't really seen in a while.
NOT LIKE THE LAST FUCKING TIME TPIR GOT DICKED OVER.
Tiger Woods- maybe a lot of people have forgiven you- but not this guy! You are now on a my shitlist. And that's a hard list to get off, fuckwad.
It was a Friday morning- looking to start off the weekend right. Get my Price is Right on. BUT WAIT!
Tiger Woods is breaking his silence!
QUICK!
Get this man a podium and the national news!
Let's let him speak to us about shit that doesn't concern us in the slightest for fifteen minutes!
He's a celebrity!
Oooohhh, ahhhh.
WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?!
I don't care who Tiger Woods boned OR how often his wife beat him, it's not as good as watching the little hiker guy fall off the cliff in "Cliffhanger".
The following is a list of things it's okay to interrupt the Price is Right for:
1) National Security Issue!
2) Osama was captured!
3) Aliens discovered/invading!
4) Horrific Amusement Park Accident!
5) Breaking News: Sean Connery dies!
6) Assassination!
7) Kurt Cobain discovered living with Osama!
8) Kurt Cobain discovered living with aliens!
9) Kurt Cobain discovered living!
10) Breaking news: Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Sean Connery actually same person!
11) Fabio hit in the face by another goose!
Yep, that's pretty much it. Those are things it would be okay to stop airing of TPIR.
You know what's not on the list?
TIGER FUCKING WOODS, AND THE GODDAMN HEALTH CARE BILL!
It's not that I don't care about these things-
Well, it's not that I don't care about the health care bill-
But can't it at least wait until 12?
Cause you know what's on at 12?
Infomercials.
That's right, infomercials.
So let me ask you this, Internets:
If we can't trust the government and major news outlets to eliminate infomercials and ensure that we get our Price is Right, then what the fuck can we trust them with?
What the fuck are they good for?
Absolutely nothing!
Not awesome. For sure.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (3-20-10)
I have an idea for a movie called "March Madness".
It's a comedy-horror flick, in which so many upsets occur in the NCAA Men's Basketball Div. I Tournament that the human mind fails and mass insanity occurs, with only the most strong-willed and intelligent left to survive through the chaos of the crazy.
Oh, come on, it can't be that bad!
AWESOME: Rickrolling
Ah, the wonders of the internet. You can information on virtually every topic known to man, watch TV, keep in touch with your friends, even find someone to fuck!
In fact, it's really easy to share something interesting with your friends via the internet. For example, you can post in an e-mail to a friend:
"Hey friend,
Check out this really cool blog I found. This guy is really funny and interesting. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ"
And if the friend is like most people, he doesn't even bother to look at the link and just blindly clicks it, and...
BOOM!
Now he's watching Rick Astley's music video for his 80's hit, "Never Gonna Give You Up", a hilariously awkward thing to be caught watching at your place of work, or a school library.
For those of you who don't know, Rick Astley is a scrawny nerdy looking white guy with a voice that you would typically associate with a heavy set black guy. Really, that doesn't even do it justice. Everybody who's heard this song is shocked that this man is singing it. I don't know what that says about our perception of people, but it's kinda like hearing a Snoop Dogg song and then finding out that it wasn't Snoop Dogg at all. It was Weird Al.
It hurts the mind.
But it's so entertaining to cause other people to experience the mindfuck and shame accompanied with a Rickroll. "Never Gonna Give You Up" is the perfect song to do something like this.
So whoever thought of this, I salute you.
You're a genius and you're awesome.
Why you thought of doing this?
I'll never know.
NOT AWESOME: Time
Fuck time! It can kiss my ass! It always does the same fucking thing, and it's way inconvenient!
How come really enjoyable things go by so quickly and shit that fucking sucks lasts forever?!
And don't give me any bullshit about perception or anticipation being the cause. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but if time wasn't such a bitch it wouldn't matter!
But that's not all. There's never enough of it.
I never get the shit I want or need to get done in a given day accomplished. I swear time conspires to sabotage me.
I mean, look at the blog!
You think I like that I've hardly written anything since October?
NO!
But that's what time does to you. You got responsibilities, and a fixed number of hours in the day. So as responsibilities go up, time should too! But it doesn't. Something's got to give, and unfortunately this blog probably won't get me good grades or a job, so see ya, Awesome/Not Awesome.
In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Azkaban (you know, the HP book that kicked major ass but the film that blew ass chunks), Hermione has this hourglass that allows her to time travel a few hours back, so she can get more shit done or find time to sleep or something.
I need that! Dude! I'm sick and tired of being time's bitch!
Although, if I'm gonna time travel, I want to do with some style.... a DeLorean!
And then Awesome/Not Awesome wouldn't have to die because I ran out of time.... wait a minute, I got all the time I want, I got a time machine! I could go back and warm myself!
Time's a piece of shit! Gotta go!
starckie!
Noooooooo, you bastards!
Not awesome!
It's a comedy-horror flick, in which so many upsets occur in the NCAA Men's Basketball Div. I Tournament that the human mind fails and mass insanity occurs, with only the most strong-willed and intelligent left to survive through the chaos of the crazy.
Oh, come on, it can't be that bad!
AWESOME: Rickrolling
Ah, the wonders of the internet. You can information on virtually every topic known to man, watch TV, keep in touch with your friends, even find someone to fuck!
In fact, it's really easy to share something interesting with your friends via the internet. For example, you can post in an e-mail to a friend:
"Hey friend,
Check out this really cool blog I found. This guy is really funny and interesting. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ"
And if the friend is like most people, he doesn't even bother to look at the link and just blindly clicks it, and...
BOOM!
Now he's watching Rick Astley's music video for his 80's hit, "Never Gonna Give You Up", a hilariously awkward thing to be caught watching at your place of work, or a school library.
For those of you who don't know, Rick Astley is a scrawny nerdy looking white guy with a voice that you would typically associate with a heavy set black guy. Really, that doesn't even do it justice. Everybody who's heard this song is shocked that this man is singing it. I don't know what that says about our perception of people, but it's kinda like hearing a Snoop Dogg song and then finding out that it wasn't Snoop Dogg at all. It was Weird Al.
It hurts the mind.
But it's so entertaining to cause other people to experience the mindfuck and shame accompanied with a Rickroll. "Never Gonna Give You Up" is the perfect song to do something like this.
So whoever thought of this, I salute you.
You're a genius and you're awesome.
Why you thought of doing this?
I'll never know.
NOT AWESOME: Time
Fuck time! It can kiss my ass! It always does the same fucking thing, and it's way inconvenient!
How come really enjoyable things go by so quickly and shit that fucking sucks lasts forever?!
And don't give me any bullshit about perception or anticipation being the cause. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but if time wasn't such a bitch it wouldn't matter!
But that's not all. There's never enough of it.
I never get the shit I want or need to get done in a given day accomplished. I swear time conspires to sabotage me.
I mean, look at the blog!
You think I like that I've hardly written anything since October?
NO!
But that's what time does to you. You got responsibilities, and a fixed number of hours in the day. So as responsibilities go up, time should too! But it doesn't. Something's got to give, and unfortunately this blog probably won't get me good grades or a job, so see ya, Awesome/Not Awesome.
In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Azkaban (you know, the HP book that kicked major ass but the film that blew ass chunks), Hermione has this hourglass that allows her to time travel a few hours back, so she can get more shit done or find time to sleep or something.
I need that! Dude! I'm sick and tired of being time's bitch!
Although, if I'm gonna time travel, I want to do with some style.... a DeLorean!
And then Awesome/Not Awesome wouldn't have to die because I ran out of time.... wait a minute, I got all the time I want, I got a time machine! I could go back and warm myself!
Time's a piece of shit! Gotta go!
starckie!
Noooooooo, you bastards!
Not awesome!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Awesome/Not Awesome (2-24-10)
Gotta make this quick. USA vs. Switzerland at 3:00 in Men's Hockey. Goddamn Swiss. We're gonna make Jonas Hiller look like Swiss cheese! Cause you know we'll be scoring goals through the holes he gives us and there's holes in Swiss cheese and...
Fuck you.
AWESOME: LED TVs
Something remarkable happened the other day. I plugged my N64 into my family's new LED TV and for the first time since 1996, I was blown away by the graphics of a 64 bit system.
I don't know how this works, but the definition on this TV makes everything so much clearer and sharper I think my sight might actually improve while I'm watching TV!
This has some pretty funny effects.
For starters, I can't take the Geico commercials as seriously (not that they were very serious to begin with). You know the ones with that spokesman who comes out and says, "Could switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance?"
Yeah. Can no longer watch it.
The clarity makes the commercial look so important and impressive that it boggles the mind. I get confused and scared by High Def Geico! I think this man might actually be serious!
Luckily, I'm not at that point where I can't watch "regular" TV. And I hope I never get there. I hate those snooty-ass fucks that are always going, "Yeah, I got Sirius and I can't do F.M. radio anymore."
Fuck you!
Without F.M. there would be no satelite!
So coming full circle, let's not forget what got us here. LED TV is awesome and if TV gets any clearer then we'll never have to look at anything else again. But standard TV still works just fine. Just like my N64. It just works better in pixels.
Man, I bet the Wii looks fucking nuts.
But I wonder- will it really be awesome?
Does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle?
NOT AWESOME: Alice in Wonderland
Before you crucify me, hear me out.
I like Alice in Wonderland- it's a classic story which everyone can appreciate. Futher, the upcoming movie is visually stunning and a large part of me wants to see this movie. It's the first movie in a while that feels like an "event" to me.
(Note: Twilight doesn't interest me, so the next closest event would be the 4th Indiana Jones. Although that would have been more epic if it came out 10 years earlier. But I digress)
Anyways, if I'm interested in this movie, why is it in Not Awesome?
Three reasons:
3) Tim Burton
2) Johnny Depp
1) People who have such a hard-on for them that they've got to shove their greatness down my throat.
And really, #1 is the only real problem. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, to me, are both very creative and talented, but just because I'm not bending over backwards for everything they do doesn't mean I'm intellectually or creatively inferior to anyone who does.
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp seem to be continually selling the same product, but at least it's a good product. Most of their movies are at least decent, if not outright good or great.
Not like that fuck Ben Stiller.
But anyways, I get pissed off when people insist something is going to be great just because their names are on it. The trailer for the movie looks great, but right now, it's just a trailer. Let's hold off on this orgy until you see the movie.
So leave this bullshit out. If I want to see the movie, I will. You don't need to convince me. But if I don't go the day it comes out and I'm not bouncing off the wall for it, don't fucking judge me.
If I do see it and I think it's just okay, that doesn't mean I'm mentally ill.\
But this sort of fandom and judgment is just the kind of shit that turns me off to the movie itself, for no reason other than some of the fans are fucking obnoxious. So, sorry Tim and Johnny, the weight of everyone's expectations and the hype associated with Wonderland has collasped in on itself. This movie is never going to be accurately assessed- there's just too much fucking build-up associated with it.
So, no. I don't plan on seeing Alice in Wonderland when it comes out. Or even during its theatrical run.
Maybe I'll see it a few years when this cult formed around it has dissipated. Or gained some validity.
Whatever the case- right now, Alice in Wonderland is not awesome.
Don't try to change my mind. If that's going to happen I'll do it on my own.
In a few years.
Fuck you.
AWESOME: LED TVs
Something remarkable happened the other day. I plugged my N64 into my family's new LED TV and for the first time since 1996, I was blown away by the graphics of a 64 bit system.
I don't know how this works, but the definition on this TV makes everything so much clearer and sharper I think my sight might actually improve while I'm watching TV!
This has some pretty funny effects.
For starters, I can't take the Geico commercials as seriously (not that they were very serious to begin with). You know the ones with that spokesman who comes out and says, "Could switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance?"
Yeah. Can no longer watch it.
The clarity makes the commercial look so important and impressive that it boggles the mind. I get confused and scared by High Def Geico! I think this man might actually be serious!
Luckily, I'm not at that point where I can't watch "regular" TV. And I hope I never get there. I hate those snooty-ass fucks that are always going, "Yeah, I got Sirius and I can't do F.M. radio anymore."
Fuck you!
Without F.M. there would be no satelite!
So coming full circle, let's not forget what got us here. LED TV is awesome and if TV gets any clearer then we'll never have to look at anything else again. But standard TV still works just fine. Just like my N64. It just works better in pixels.
Man, I bet the Wii looks fucking nuts.
But I wonder- will it really be awesome?
Does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle?
NOT AWESOME: Alice in Wonderland
Before you crucify me, hear me out.
I like Alice in Wonderland- it's a classic story which everyone can appreciate. Futher, the upcoming movie is visually stunning and a large part of me wants to see this movie. It's the first movie in a while that feels like an "event" to me.
(Note: Twilight doesn't interest me, so the next closest event would be the 4th Indiana Jones. Although that would have been more epic if it came out 10 years earlier. But I digress)
Anyways, if I'm interested in this movie, why is it in Not Awesome?
Three reasons:
3) Tim Burton
2) Johnny Depp
1) People who have such a hard-on for them that they've got to shove their greatness down my throat.
And really, #1 is the only real problem. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, to me, are both very creative and talented, but just because I'm not bending over backwards for everything they do doesn't mean I'm intellectually or creatively inferior to anyone who does.
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp seem to be continually selling the same product, but at least it's a good product. Most of their movies are at least decent, if not outright good or great.
Not like that fuck Ben Stiller.
But anyways, I get pissed off when people insist something is going to be great just because their names are on it. The trailer for the movie looks great, but right now, it's just a trailer. Let's hold off on this orgy until you see the movie.
So leave this bullshit out. If I want to see the movie, I will. You don't need to convince me. But if I don't go the day it comes out and I'm not bouncing off the wall for it, don't fucking judge me.
If I do see it and I think it's just okay, that doesn't mean I'm mentally ill.\
But this sort of fandom and judgment is just the kind of shit that turns me off to the movie itself, for no reason other than some of the fans are fucking obnoxious. So, sorry Tim and Johnny, the weight of everyone's expectations and the hype associated with Wonderland has collasped in on itself. This movie is never going to be accurately assessed- there's just too much fucking build-up associated with it.
So, no. I don't plan on seeing Alice in Wonderland when it comes out. Or even during its theatrical run.
Maybe I'll see it a few years when this cult formed around it has dissipated. Or gained some validity.
Whatever the case- right now, Alice in Wonderland is not awesome.
Don't try to change my mind. If that's going to happen I'll do it on my own.
In a few years.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Special Awesome: Cameron Frye
The following was written for a composition class back in 2007.
Cameron Frye is, of course, awesome. I relate to him more than any other film character.
So here's my tribute to this character, one of my favorite (if not my favorite) character of all time.
Cameron Frye is perhaps the most realistic character in John Hughes’s 1986 teen classic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Although the movie is a comedy, Cameron serves as one of the only doses of reality in an otherwise surrealistic movie; he is a hypochondriac and social outcast with trust issues, parental problems, and a negative outlook on life. Without a doubt, the anxiety-ridden Cameron is much more than just a foil to the care-free Ferris; he represents all teenagers dealing with the same feelings he has, and he is the only one of the film’s three protagonists (the other two being Ferris and his girlfriend Sloane) that undergoes a major change in thinking in the film.
Cameron’s view on life can be explained by two basic factors: his relationship with his father and his social life. First, let’s consider his social standing in high school. Cameron is first mentioned during roll call, but it is not even shown if anyone knows where Cameron is. Compare this to Ferris, whose absence from class was immediately noticed; by first period it was common knowledge that Ferris was extremely “sick.” Since it wasn’t even shown if anybody cared that Cameron was missing, it’s likely that no one did. This is further corroborated by the rest of the scenes in the high school, where Cameron’s name is never mentioned. It really does seem like Ferris and Sloane are his only two friends; to everyone else he doesn’t exist.
Cameron’s first appearance comes shortly after roll call. This scene perhaps more than any other allows us to understand who he really is. He appears to be deathly ill, but we soon learn that his disease is psychological more than physical. Ferris, who presumably had not talked to Cameron that day, immediately asks him over the phone how he is feeling, giving the impression that it is a common occurrence for Cameron to be “sick.” Ferris is so convinced that Cameron’s dismal attitude is causing his illness that he tells Cameron, “You’re not dying, you just can’t think of anything good to do.”
Cameron’s hopelessness and his weakness as a person are further emphasized when Ferris threatens to end their friendship if he doesn’t come over; Cameron replies, “You’ve been saying that since the fifth grade.” There’s much more to this statement than meets the eye. Indirectly, Cameron recognizes his own difficulty in finding friends with that reply. He keeps coming back to Ferris and certainly values their friendship, but perhaps only because he has no one else to go to. Later, while visiting the Art Institute of Chicago, we see Cameron’s longing for additional human connection as he looks at the pointillist painting A Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte. He stares at this painting for several minutes, his focus on a little girl in the center, the only person in the painting looking back at the viewer. It appears that this little girl is the closest thing he can find to friends outside of Ferris and Sloane, and this may be why he has attached himself to Ferris “since the fifth grade.” Ferris, a much stronger person than Cameron, is a stabilizing force in Cameron’s life, and though never actually stated, it appears that Cameron definitely admires or at the very least envies Ferris’s spontaneity, worry-free nature, and determination to have a good time. During the parade, Cameron reveals to Sloane,
“As long as I’ve known him (Ferris) everything works for him. There’s
nothing he can’t handle. I can’t handle anything… school, parents,
future.”
It is seeing Ferris succeed where he has failed that causes much of Cameron’s unhappiness. He is just looking to break away from his inhibitions, and a day off to enjoy himself is perhaps just the thing that can help him do that.
The other reason why Cameron acts the way he does is his relationship with his parents, in particular his father. Cameron’s father is not exactly a family man, and Cameron’s pessimistic view of marriage stems from seeing his parents interact. Cameron goes so far as to say that his father “loves the car, hates his wife,” and it seems like his father has a similar attitude with him. In addition to his father’s contemptuous view of his own family, he also exhibits untrusting and anxious behavior that seemingly knows no bounds; Cameron mentions that his father never has trusted him and never will, and the license plate of his father’s beloved Ferrari is “NRVOUS.”
It is obvious Cameron inherited his father’s trust issues and nervousness. For example, when they are going to park the car in the garage, some of Cameron’s concerns are legitimate (“It (the car) could be wrecked, stolen, . . .”) but others are ridiculous (“ . . . breathed on wrong, a bird could shit on it).” This statement is a prime example of just how much Cameron worries, and also demonstrates his insecurity and lack of proper reasoning. He always assumes the worst in a situation, and he only starts to enjoy his day once they are taking the car home, once he is certain that something terrible didn’t happen. However, when he sees the mileage on the car, it proves to be the breaking point of his previous outlook on life. He later explains:
“…I was just thinking things over….I was like…I was like meditating….then I
sorta watched myself from inside…I realized it was ridiculous, being afraid,
worrying about everything, wishing I was dead, all that shit, I’m tired of
it. This is the best day of my life.”
In the movie’s climax, Cameron’s inner struggle to break free of his nervousness becomes manifest in his destruction of the car. He only intends to go so far, just damaging the hood. However, he and Ferris accidentally cause the car to be completely destroyed. The complete destruction of the car is representative of the day off- Cameron would have loved to go on his own willpower, but Ferris had to help him. Cameron continues:
“ . . .I put up with everything . . .my old man pushes me around….. I never
say anything! Well he’s not the problem, I’m the problem . . . . I gotta
take a stand against him. I’m not gonna sit on my ass as the events that
affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m gonna take a
stand. And I’m gonna defend it. Right or wrong, I’m gonna defend it.”
In his final minutes of the film, Cameron is seen smiling as he awaits the confrontation with his father. It’s obvious that he has wanted this for a long time but was too weak a person to do it. Ferris would later say of the situation, “For the first time in his life, he’s gonna be okay.”
Cameron is by far the most realistic character in the movie. No one expects to be as carefree as Ferris is, but everyone can relate to Cameron in some way. His transformation in the movie gives hope to all those struggling to better themselves, and when we start to worry about trivial things, we can remember Cameron and realize what’s truly worth worrying about.
Cameron Frye is, of course, awesome. I relate to him more than any other film character.
So here's my tribute to this character, one of my favorite (if not my favorite) character of all time.
Cameron Frye is perhaps the most realistic character in John Hughes’s 1986 teen classic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Although the movie is a comedy, Cameron serves as one of the only doses of reality in an otherwise surrealistic movie; he is a hypochondriac and social outcast with trust issues, parental problems, and a negative outlook on life. Without a doubt, the anxiety-ridden Cameron is much more than just a foil to the care-free Ferris; he represents all teenagers dealing with the same feelings he has, and he is the only one of the film’s three protagonists (the other two being Ferris and his girlfriend Sloane) that undergoes a major change in thinking in the film.
Cameron’s view on life can be explained by two basic factors: his relationship with his father and his social life. First, let’s consider his social standing in high school. Cameron is first mentioned during roll call, but it is not even shown if anyone knows where Cameron is. Compare this to Ferris, whose absence from class was immediately noticed; by first period it was common knowledge that Ferris was extremely “sick.” Since it wasn’t even shown if anybody cared that Cameron was missing, it’s likely that no one did. This is further corroborated by the rest of the scenes in the high school, where Cameron’s name is never mentioned. It really does seem like Ferris and Sloane are his only two friends; to everyone else he doesn’t exist.
Cameron’s first appearance comes shortly after roll call. This scene perhaps more than any other allows us to understand who he really is. He appears to be deathly ill, but we soon learn that his disease is psychological more than physical. Ferris, who presumably had not talked to Cameron that day, immediately asks him over the phone how he is feeling, giving the impression that it is a common occurrence for Cameron to be “sick.” Ferris is so convinced that Cameron’s dismal attitude is causing his illness that he tells Cameron, “You’re not dying, you just can’t think of anything good to do.”
Cameron’s hopelessness and his weakness as a person are further emphasized when Ferris threatens to end their friendship if he doesn’t come over; Cameron replies, “You’ve been saying that since the fifth grade.” There’s much more to this statement than meets the eye. Indirectly, Cameron recognizes his own difficulty in finding friends with that reply. He keeps coming back to Ferris and certainly values their friendship, but perhaps only because he has no one else to go to. Later, while visiting the Art Institute of Chicago, we see Cameron’s longing for additional human connection as he looks at the pointillist painting A Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte. He stares at this painting for several minutes, his focus on a little girl in the center, the only person in the painting looking back at the viewer. It appears that this little girl is the closest thing he can find to friends outside of Ferris and Sloane, and this may be why he has attached himself to Ferris “since the fifth grade.” Ferris, a much stronger person than Cameron, is a stabilizing force in Cameron’s life, and though never actually stated, it appears that Cameron definitely admires or at the very least envies Ferris’s spontaneity, worry-free nature, and determination to have a good time. During the parade, Cameron reveals to Sloane,
“As long as I’ve known him (Ferris) everything works for him. There’s
nothing he can’t handle. I can’t handle anything… school, parents,
future.”
It is seeing Ferris succeed where he has failed that causes much of Cameron’s unhappiness. He is just looking to break away from his inhibitions, and a day off to enjoy himself is perhaps just the thing that can help him do that.
The other reason why Cameron acts the way he does is his relationship with his parents, in particular his father. Cameron’s father is not exactly a family man, and Cameron’s pessimistic view of marriage stems from seeing his parents interact. Cameron goes so far as to say that his father “loves the car, hates his wife,” and it seems like his father has a similar attitude with him. In addition to his father’s contemptuous view of his own family, he also exhibits untrusting and anxious behavior that seemingly knows no bounds; Cameron mentions that his father never has trusted him and never will, and the license plate of his father’s beloved Ferrari is “NRVOUS.”
It is obvious Cameron inherited his father’s trust issues and nervousness. For example, when they are going to park the car in the garage, some of Cameron’s concerns are legitimate (“It (the car) could be wrecked, stolen, . . .”) but others are ridiculous (“ . . . breathed on wrong, a bird could shit on it).” This statement is a prime example of just how much Cameron worries, and also demonstrates his insecurity and lack of proper reasoning. He always assumes the worst in a situation, and he only starts to enjoy his day once they are taking the car home, once he is certain that something terrible didn’t happen. However, when he sees the mileage on the car, it proves to be the breaking point of his previous outlook on life. He later explains:
“…I was just thinking things over….I was like…I was like meditating….then I
sorta watched myself from inside…I realized it was ridiculous, being afraid,
worrying about everything, wishing I was dead, all that shit, I’m tired of
it. This is the best day of my life.”
In the movie’s climax, Cameron’s inner struggle to break free of his nervousness becomes manifest in his destruction of the car. He only intends to go so far, just damaging the hood. However, he and Ferris accidentally cause the car to be completely destroyed. The complete destruction of the car is representative of the day off- Cameron would have loved to go on his own willpower, but Ferris had to help him. Cameron continues:
“ . . .I put up with everything . . .my old man pushes me around….. I never
say anything! Well he’s not the problem, I’m the problem . . . . I gotta
take a stand against him. I’m not gonna sit on my ass as the events that
affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m gonna take a
stand. And I’m gonna defend it. Right or wrong, I’m gonna defend it.”
In his final minutes of the film, Cameron is seen smiling as he awaits the confrontation with his father. It’s obvious that he has wanted this for a long time but was too weak a person to do it. Ferris would later say of the situation, “For the first time in his life, he’s gonna be okay.”
Cameron is by far the most realistic character in the movie. No one expects to be as carefree as Ferris is, but everyone can relate to Cameron in some way. His transformation in the movie gives hope to all those struggling to better themselves, and when we start to worry about trivial things, we can remember Cameron and realize what’s truly worth worrying about.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Awesome NFL Predictions: Wild Card Weekend
Alright, Wild Card Weekend in the NFL.
I know some of you must be wondering, what does starckie think is gonna happen?
And just so you guys know, I have never been wrong about any predictions. Ever.
Here we go:
Jets over BENGALS
COWBOYS over Eagles
Ravens over PATRIOTS
Packers over CARDINALS
You can all congratulate me on my 4 for 4 later.
I know some of you must be wondering, what does starckie think is gonna happen?
And just so you guys know, I have never been wrong about any predictions. Ever.
Here we go:
Jets over BENGALS
COWBOYS over Eagles
Ravens over PATRIOTS
Packers over CARDINALS
You can all congratulate me on my 4 for 4 later.
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